23 December 2015

it is all of me, yes it is.

Remember me? Small, fuzzy, red, big hearted? Yes well.  Ah hem. I was missing for a long while and I know it. And I was missing this, this connection, this space.  I started to feel self conscious about what I was posting. Aware that bitching about anything felt stupid when my world has Della in it. Aware that new bosses and co workers may find this content offensive. But the truth is, this is me. This is the Me of the me. The underlayers. The soft underbelly. The truth. The backbeat. The back story. The inner story.  The tender bits and the flawed bits and the struggles and the cautious joy-- all true, all me, all mine.


here I am. 

I know, I know, I may be speaking to crickets at this point. And that's ok too. I welcome a place to just be.

Since last I wrote, perimenopause threw me a 100day cycle, and perhaps my last (IRONIC) pee stick negative ever in the history of me. Since it was, of course, negative. And my heart, of course, broke.  And it is funny that no matter what, who, when, how, stats, no stats, history, truth, experience, I could still think that maybe a one in a bazilliion chance that... well.  Never mind. Fuck you perimenopause.

Since last I wrote, Della turned 5. She lost teeth. 2 before she turned 5. Her new ones are mostly in. She is astonishing, of course. I am humbled, of course. I am outgunned, of course.

Since last I wrote we adopted a dog, who bit me and was menacing toward me and scary and had to go back.

Since last I wrote we adopted a puppy. Also a rescue from a box by the side of the road in alabama, shipped up to vermont.....her name is Piper, and she is chewing something to bits behind me but I will not look because i promised myself this time to write.

Since last I wrote my work has settled into a really nice rhythm of too much in too little time but with good people and for pay and WOW I will take it thankyouverymuch.

Since last I wrote we have spent over 15k insulating and reroofing the house, because the only way to insulate was from the outside in.  And that went on credit cards and I feel stupid and now don't know how to unbury myself from this deep stupid hole. At least it is an insulated hole.

Since last I wrote I have made a million resolutions and ah has about what i want to be when I grow up when really, I am still figuring that out.  It is a coalescing cloud of yeses and I am waiting, needing to wait, to have them coalesce into actionable items.

Meanwhile, it is december, post solstice, and it is warm but i built a fire in the fireplace because it is also cold.  It is like happy sad.  yes, it is all possible, yes it is, all at once.

May you be well.  May we all be well. May I be back before too long, I've missed you. I've missed me. I feel like I am coming out of a deep tunnel of wherewasI?  oh yes. Here.  I was here.