First and foremost: thank you! thank you for understanding my vanity-rant, by bathing suit blues, my obsessive redirection (look over there!) when other things (summer!) are too uncomfortable to contemplate.
The truth is, the bathing suit thing sucks. So, some swim shorts are on order (the last suit was skirted and horrid). If the shorts "work" I'll simply (ha) find a top that works with the shorts. If not, well... I'll cope.
Della is still sick but better than she was (fever gone thank goodness). We had three nights in a row that were horrid (HORRID) with her waking every 3-9 minutes (I timed it) to flail, choke and cry. Awful.
Enter realization that we had stopped the reflux medication when we started her last course of penicillin a few weeks back for the throat infection, so yeah, we are so sorry Della. But this realization was not before two things happened: I had a terrifying dead baby dream that left me reeling, and Doug absolutely freaked himself out over the possibility that we might have black mold in our apartment (if you look it up, prepare to be terrorized by the awful litany of bad health things it can cause).
Samples have been collected and sent to labs, and all surface mold has been cleaned with renewed vigor. An air scrubber has been procured and deployed. Sunshiny beautiful weather means windows are open, air is moving through the apartment, life is better.
I'm sick but getting better. At least I am better now than last night. This morning I felt like crap, but the general trajectory is one of improvement.
Doug had a day of chills and feeling fevery yesterday, but believes it was just exhaustion. We slept apart last night to help us all gather some sleep (and Della had a half dose of Benadryl to help with her cough and congestion on the suggestion of the doc she saw yesterday). The benadryl was not the solve-all-things miracle I hoped for, but it sure did help the cough and snot. A lot. So while there was her usual waking and flailing, there was no choking and gasping and crying. Hear hear. Let's hear it for improved sleep for all of us!
***
Ok-- the call goes out: Co-sleepers, how and when did you transition? And how did you deal with your own separation anxiety?
14 March 2012
11 March 2012
sickness and vanity
Poor Della is sick again, this time with a fever, snot, and juicy cough. It feels as if we have been sick in some form since September. I know it is typical for daycare folks to experience this. And if we did not experience it now, I imagine we would when *school* started, but I am feeling pretty beaten down by the perpetual nature of the sick. Poor Della. So much snot. Holy moly.
Bad sleep several nights in a row, almost as if she cannot stay still, and moans/cries/flails from frustration/exhaustion. But during the day, she is better. Today she woke from an unanticipated morning nap (prefaced by a half hour of unending crying) rejuvenated into a total powerhouse and delight.
But me? my ass is dragging, even after several hours of gift sleep this morning thanks to Doug.
And Doug? He is now asleep under Della for the afternoon nap.
We missed our first birthday party today. A lovely invite from one of Della's classmates. It was to be today, at a kid's gym about an hour away. I wrote last night to cancel, and the day opened up as a result. I was able to finish gathering the tax stuff from our transition filled year (holy crap) and stuffed it in an envelope for our tax guy. I was able to follow up with emails for a bunch of potential clients for one of my current bosses. And I was able to sit and have lunch with Doug and Della AT THE TABLE which was insane, since as of two days ago, there was no table top visible. I cleaned hoping to see my mom yesterday (also canceled due to The Sick). I was able to put the bathing suit that needs to be returned in the envelope thingy and fill out the return form and stick the overpriced pre-paid sticker on the outside and tape it up.
Ahh yes, the bathing suit.
The bathing suit which is also insanely overpriced a quest I am forever in the midst of-- a suit that suits my body in this inbetween place of middle age plus post-baby still nursing desk jobs... good lord. The bathing suit that would indeed be insanely cute on a pregnant body, but not on a body that just looks that way. And although I have no butt to balance my front, it does seem to have melted and slid down about 6" from where it used to be. The curple has fallen to mid-thigh, what the hell? WHO INVENTED GRAVITY ANYWAY and why did they not include life long elasticity of tissue in their miracle invention list? a butt that stays put?
It's been a tough few months body-image-wise for me. Pilates makes me feel long and lean and taut, but in reality I am none of those things. I am kate shaped. it is not awful but for some reason I go through periods of time where I can hardly stand it. And right now I am mostly in the midst of one of those seasons of ug. of ooph. of geez.
My sister wisely says that no one should look too closely at their own legs in february in the northern hemisphere. She's right, of course.
And since I am a very spotted but nearly translucent whitewhiteperson, I can see the blue tracery of my vein-age and lord, it is not pretty. Also, the spots? what the heck, age spots? dime sized freckled colored spots that are suddenly there and there and there and there and there?
I think I am in hormonal flux too--
So about the bathing suit
it is a familiar quest- and one that invariably ends badly.
last year I got a suit for camp (soon, we will be back in the summer schedule of Doug away, remember that whole thing? gah) that was *fine* but too big by the time summer came.
this time I figured my shape is less in flux, so I'd try to get something again--- I chose one, it came. it's the right size, cute print, and truly vastly horrible on me, horrible horrible horrible.
I might give up.
yeah.
No, I won't. I know me better than that. It is too symbolic. I will try to find a suit with something akin to obsessiveness, and make myself feel like shit in the process. An annual ritual combining vanity and self-disgust.
Sometimes it is easier to focus on something like this, even with symbolism and self-loathing, than to deal with thorny issues of work identity and the looming summer logistical nightmare of single parenthood and how will I possibly do it?
Don't worry
all will be fine. A suit will happen or it won't. I'll be fine either way. I only swam once last year anyway.
and pilates is making me stronger no matter if it shows or not. and I love it with a passion that is a little weird.
and about summer. It will happen. it will be fine. time will pass. fall will come. we will figure it out. it is just very very hard.
ok then!
Thanks for listening.
Bad sleep several nights in a row, almost as if she cannot stay still, and moans/cries/flails from frustration/exhaustion. But during the day, she is better. Today she woke from an unanticipated morning nap (prefaced by a half hour of unending crying) rejuvenated into a total powerhouse and delight.
But me? my ass is dragging, even after several hours of gift sleep this morning thanks to Doug.
And Doug? He is now asleep under Della for the afternoon nap.
We missed our first birthday party today. A lovely invite from one of Della's classmates. It was to be today, at a kid's gym about an hour away. I wrote last night to cancel, and the day opened up as a result. I was able to finish gathering the tax stuff from our transition filled year (holy crap) and stuffed it in an envelope for our tax guy. I was able to follow up with emails for a bunch of potential clients for one of my current bosses. And I was able to sit and have lunch with Doug and Della AT THE TABLE which was insane, since as of two days ago, there was no table top visible. I cleaned hoping to see my mom yesterday (also canceled due to The Sick). I was able to put the bathing suit that needs to be returned in the envelope thingy and fill out the return form and stick the overpriced pre-paid sticker on the outside and tape it up.
Ahh yes, the bathing suit.
The bathing suit which is also insanely overpriced a quest I am forever in the midst of-- a suit that suits my body in this inbetween place of middle age plus post-baby still nursing desk jobs... good lord. The bathing suit that would indeed be insanely cute on a pregnant body, but not on a body that just looks that way. And although I have no butt to balance my front, it does seem to have melted and slid down about 6" from where it used to be. The curple has fallen to mid-thigh, what the hell? WHO INVENTED GRAVITY ANYWAY and why did they not include life long elasticity of tissue in their miracle invention list? a butt that stays put?
It's been a tough few months body-image-wise for me. Pilates makes me feel long and lean and taut, but in reality I am none of those things. I am kate shaped. it is not awful but for some reason I go through periods of time where I can hardly stand it. And right now I am mostly in the midst of one of those seasons of ug. of ooph. of geez.
My sister wisely says that no one should look too closely at their own legs in february in the northern hemisphere. She's right, of course.
And since I am a very spotted but nearly translucent whitewhiteperson, I can see the blue tracery of my vein-age and lord, it is not pretty. Also, the spots? what the heck, age spots? dime sized freckled colored spots that are suddenly there and there and there and there and there?
I think I am in hormonal flux too--
So about the bathing suit
it is a familiar quest- and one that invariably ends badly.
last year I got a suit for camp (soon, we will be back in the summer schedule of Doug away, remember that whole thing? gah) that was *fine* but too big by the time summer came.
this time I figured my shape is less in flux, so I'd try to get something again--- I chose one, it came. it's the right size, cute print, and truly vastly horrible on me, horrible horrible horrible.
I might give up.
yeah.
No, I won't. I know me better than that. It is too symbolic. I will try to find a suit with something akin to obsessiveness, and make myself feel like shit in the process. An annual ritual combining vanity and self-disgust.
Sometimes it is easier to focus on something like this, even with symbolism and self-loathing, than to deal with thorny issues of work identity and the looming summer logistical nightmare of single parenthood and how will I possibly do it?
Don't worry
all will be fine. A suit will happen or it won't. I'll be fine either way. I only swam once last year anyway.
and pilates is making me stronger no matter if it shows or not. and I love it with a passion that is a little weird.
and about summer. It will happen. it will be fine. time will pass. fall will come. we will figure it out. it is just very very hard.
ok then!
Thanks for listening.
07 March 2012
An invitation
I want to invite you all to join me on March 23,24 and 25th for a completely free virtual weekend retreat. Wherever you may be, let’s join psychic forces and share the intention to move one of our creative projects (or more!) closer to completion.
Most of us have a backlog of unfinished business.
Most of us have creative projects, not quite abandoned, but left in some intermediate point between the sweet intensity of the beginning of a creative endeavor and the equally sweet but often loaded end.
Some projects may be close to being done but we just have not been able to do that last thing… or we have hesitated to call it “done” so we can move on. Having the project remain open and unfinished is often important to us.
Maybe over the course of the weekend we can finish something, wrap it up, release it…. or maybe we can move one of our projects closer to completion… or maybe the most we can do with the time available is to make an honest assessment about what it will take to bring one of our projects to some sort of closure…
And let’s take advantage of the moment and the shared experience to expand this to a more general atmosphere of assessment and release: What habits of thought or work habits or avoidance habits are no longer serving us? What can we let go of so we can more forward with a little less weight?
The retreat will open with a virtual campfire friday night the 23rd with a video greeting from me (view it anytime!)– and throughout the weekend I’ll be posting several videos and short entries to support the difficult but rewarding work of finishing and letting go.
The hope is that no matter where you are, no matter what your time zone, or family situation, or amount of energy or time, we can join together with the shared intention of addressing challenges in our creative lives with whatever time we have- 5 minutes, fine! a whole day? magnificent!
Even if you have just a few minutes to join in, stop by at my heartwork site or at that place we go for a little support and community building (please share comments!)– I’ll be trying something new this time and I’ll be cross posting in both locations.
Know someone who might be interested? Please pass it on! The invitation is open!
04 March 2012
01 March 2012
Metaphor warning
We got a lot of snow here in Peterborough, New Hampshire. We had almost 10" by this morning, and it snowed all day. This is not like the giant snows of my childhood, but it is the biggest snow by far this winter.
The last snow we had like this was in October.
I picked Della up at daycare today, and as I drove down the slippery streets, I realized that I never approach anything else like I do driving in snow.
In snow, you get a little stuck, you rock the car. You get pushed out. Or towed.
You stop at a stop sign or light, you can start up in second, a little lower RPMs, a little less likely to slip...
If there's a ridge, you can back up and then shoot over/through it with the power of momentum...
When I am driving in snow, I just do these things. I don't think OBSTACLE, GOD/GODDESS/ALL-THAT-IS MUST NOT WANT ME TO DO THIS, or I FAILED, or I SUCK, or I KNEW IT/I DESERVE STRUGGLE.
No, I just drive and it is really pretty peaceful as long as I am not out of control, can still brake, and am not in any danger.
So there I was, rocking the car a bit to get unstuck, starting up in second, backing up to make it over a hump and I realized just how much I need to channel this rather matter of fact kate into this much more quick to assume I'm incompetent kate.
And for a while I felt pretty smug about my realization.
Then tonight, Della had a tantrum that had her crying so hard she threw up on Doug and I was right back to the I SUCK part of the program.
She's fine, sleeping now, was lovely afterwards. I do not know the actual trigger, it was baffling. Just suddenly there, full blown, boneless baby flinging herself and crying so hard it was scary. All I could do was corral her into a safe area while she flailed. It sucked.
It is times like these that I feel starved for a WHY. Just so I can understand what happened.
But, there is no why that I can understand. We are still learning to speak the same language. I have to be ok with not knowing. Or be not ok, it does not change the not knowing.
You can bet I'll be visiting the helpful links that folks shared last time I confessed that the potential for the dreaded tantrum is apparently now something I need to be mindful of... I'm a pretty tender person, this takes real strength that I need to foster from somewhere, dig deep, do this thing. I have to admit, I really, really wanted to get off easy.
The last snow we had like this was in October.
I picked Della up at daycare today, and as I drove down the slippery streets, I realized that I never approach anything else like I do driving in snow.
In snow, you get a little stuck, you rock the car. You get pushed out. Or towed.
You stop at a stop sign or light, you can start up in second, a little lower RPMs, a little less likely to slip...
If there's a ridge, you can back up and then shoot over/through it with the power of momentum...
When I am driving in snow, I just do these things. I don't think OBSTACLE, GOD/GODDESS/ALL-THAT-IS MUST NOT WANT ME TO DO THIS, or I FAILED, or I SUCK, or I KNEW IT/I DESERVE STRUGGLE.
No, I just drive and it is really pretty peaceful as long as I am not out of control, can still brake, and am not in any danger.
So there I was, rocking the car a bit to get unstuck, starting up in second, backing up to make it over a hump and I realized just how much I need to channel this rather matter of fact kate into this much more quick to assume I'm incompetent kate.
And for a while I felt pretty smug about my realization.
Then tonight, Della had a tantrum that had her crying so hard she threw up on Doug and I was right back to the I SUCK part of the program.
She's fine, sleeping now, was lovely afterwards. I do not know the actual trigger, it was baffling. Just suddenly there, full blown, boneless baby flinging herself and crying so hard it was scary. All I could do was corral her into a safe area while she flailed. It sucked.
It is times like these that I feel starved for a WHY. Just so I can understand what happened.
But, there is no why that I can understand. We are still learning to speak the same language. I have to be ok with not knowing. Or be not ok, it does not change the not knowing.
You can bet I'll be visiting the helpful links that folks shared last time I confessed that the potential for the dreaded tantrum is apparently now something I need to be mindful of... I'm a pretty tender person, this takes real strength that I need to foster from somewhere, dig deep, do this thing. I have to admit, I really, really wanted to get off easy.
29 February 2012
Happy leap day
Snow
Fever
Mindful return to the fungie (7 minutes is my magical number)
Heater cranked up against my achy chills
Lights on against the dark
Hot water with a shot of chai (a dreamy drink, try it sometime!, not a latte) scenting the room with spicy wonderfulness.
A great talk with my sister to kick off the day.
I feel shitty, but things do not suck. So I'm up when maybe I should be down...but I kind of don't want to sleep through it!
I just sort of feel like things are brewing and things are possible, even if I don't know what. Maybe just tea with toast and cinnamon, maybe a wild rush of work that needs doing will get done. Maybe all of that wonderful soul work I've been working on will be percolating away in my periphery, about to blurp out something ah-ha-tasitc.
Even if today just brings the feelings of possibility and unsuckiness and the magic of snowfall?
I'm in.
Fever
Mindful return to the fungie (7 minutes is my magical number)
Heater cranked up against my achy chills
Lights on against the dark
Hot water with a shot of chai (a dreamy drink, try it sometime!, not a latte) scenting the room with spicy wonderfulness.
A great talk with my sister to kick off the day.
I feel shitty, but things do not suck. So I'm up when maybe I should be down...but I kind of don't want to sleep through it!
I just sort of feel like things are brewing and things are possible, even if I don't know what. Maybe just tea with toast and cinnamon, maybe a wild rush of work that needs doing will get done. Maybe all of that wonderful soul work I've been working on will be percolating away in my periphery, about to blurp out something ah-ha-tasitc.
Even if today just brings the feelings of possibility and unsuckiness and the magic of snowfall?
I'm in.
Happy leap day everyone.
26 February 2012
Dodgeball
Della is sick again, a fevery snotty thing, where she is holding her mouth open and drooling copiously. Today was a day of fitful napping and much crying, snot and drool, and not letting me let her down even for a moment. This is hard, and I'm tired, and sad for her for feeling shitty *again*-- I swear it feels like we get something new just as the last thing is starting to feel resolved. I feel so bad for her for feeling so bad so often these past months. Daycare is a blessing, it really is, but there are parts of it that totally suck. This tour of viral infestations is certainly a major downside.
Doug has arranged to stay home with her tomorrow. We try to take turns with this. All I can say is that I now feel like a time bomb... with our track record so far, she and I tend to share bugs. Doug, with his superhuman, works-with-kids immune system, seems to dodge more than he catches.
In happier news, she is talking a lot more-- many words are coming out besides armpit. We also have elbow, "oss" or "osh" for "off", she says "upanda" for up and down, things that are hot or cold she says are hot, there are bowls now and she knows how to whisper. She holds her finger up and says shhhh. She wants to be swaddled a million times in a row, but let out immediately please. She still says "mo" for more, with the sign, but instead of the Grommet-esque fists, she now bounces her fingertips together, my big girl.
She gets intonation; to ask questions in her Della-language, she knows to go up at the end.
She is totally amazing, adorable, growing too fast, and simply rocks my world.
Now, please excuse me while I go drink some elderberry and pray to the virus gods to spare me.
Doug has arranged to stay home with her tomorrow. We try to take turns with this. All I can say is that I now feel like a time bomb... with our track record so far, she and I tend to share bugs. Doug, with his superhuman, works-with-kids immune system, seems to dodge more than he catches.
In happier news, she is talking a lot more-- many words are coming out besides armpit. We also have elbow, "oss" or "osh" for "off", she says "upanda" for up and down, things that are hot or cold she says are hot, there are bowls now and she knows how to whisper. She holds her finger up and says shhhh. She wants to be swaddled a million times in a row, but let out immediately please. She still says "mo" for more, with the sign, but instead of the Grommet-esque fists, she now bounces her fingertips together, my big girl.
She gets intonation; to ask questions in her Della-language, she knows to go up at the end.
She is totally amazing, adorable, growing too fast, and simply rocks my world.
Now, please excuse me while I go drink some elderberry and pray to the virus gods to spare me.
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