26 January 2012

righteous tenderness

Sometimes after a big ramp up to an event or deadline, I find myself in sort of an energetic never never land. Not aimless, but a bit unmoored. Sometimes this shows up as a pathological need for sleep. Sometimes (ok, often) a need for chocolate cake.  Usually cured very quickly by a project, idea, goal that coalesces in that place not too far out there called the near future.  But before the coalescence, there is a bit of in-betweenness. And with that comes some tenderness.
I always forget this and am caught off guard when it happens every  single  time.
I ask myself: it is the phase of the moon? (tiny sliver of a crescent, so lovely last night in a twilight sky clear as glass)
I wonder about hormones.
I wonder about life purpose.
I look for something to blame.

But really, it's all me. Me, in-between. Me, doing this part of the energetic pattern. Ramp up. Frenzy. Decline.

So, here I am on the downside slope after a big ramp up and long-ass day trip to a trade show in Chicago that I will write about soon, and, surprise! I am feeling tender today. Not raw, but I noticed I am quicker to tears, quick to respond or react emotionally.   As always, I looked around for something to blame, forgetting all I know about how this goes. Ignoring the pattern until I sat down just now and decided to really take a look at what is going on for me.
Ah ha. Oh yes, I remember now.

I have to remind myself that my sensitivity is one of my best attributes, even if sometimes it is a giant pain in the ass.

I wrote to a dear friend today about sensitivity/fierceness and how I think they are related. But after I hit send, as some sort of proof of my hypothesis, I searched my soul for fierceness. Hmm. Hello?

I guess I can be fierce: fiercely protective of loved ones and freedom of speech. I can be fierce, but I am not fierce. I am not fierce in any way that anyone else would recognize.

So what? So. I guess in that moment, in this moment, I realized I want to redefine fierce to make it something I can feel I can be.  I like fierce. I covet fierce. Fierce is not mean or predatory. Fierceness has intensity of purpose, focus, clarity, righteousness. Fierce is energetic. Fierce is strong. Fierce Does Stuff. Fierce is protective, maybe even (gasp) proactive.

So today as I attempt to make amends with my tenderness, I want to say that, upon reflection, I have a righteous tenderness. A fierce tenderness. And somehow this little bit of reframing/redefinition makes me sit up a little straighter.


sprogblogger said...

Dear Kate, anyone who fought as hard as you did to bring a little being into this world is fierce with a capital F. Anyone who has survived what you have survived in your life, (shoot, in this past YEAR) is fierce. Fierceness is determination, and courage, and strength, and you have enough of ALL of those qualities to qualify for fierceness--and then some.
Thinking of you and hoping that the tenderness abates a bit.

markmarv2004 said...

Fierce you are; sensitive you are; me too, but never explained or understood as well as you just did. Thanks. Pa

Elizabeth said...

Sweet Kate -- no one gets through IVF and all the rest of it with out being fierce. You are, and you are lovely-ly fierce in your very own way. It's perfect!

Michele said...

I second Sprogblogger!!

tireegal68 said...

I would have loved to have met you in Chicago!
We have a similar thing going on over here. Huge deadline for DW finished. Two more month's til her four years of school finishes for good. Looking forward to the end of this deadline as some new life. Anti climax. Tenderness. Arguing. Not great. But new goals will help!
Hugs to you:)

tireegal68 said...

Months not month's! Grrr.

B. said...

Y'know, even when you've been expressing vulnerability and tenderness, I would never have considered you un-fierce. In fact, I think it takes a certain amount of fierceness to be so open with sensitivity without getting trampled. And you, dear Kate, I cannot imagine ever getting trampled.

No baby yet. One of the reasons I'd like her to get here soon is so we can plan another meet-up. How does April look to you?