49

holy.
wow.

transfer day anniversary

6 years ago today, it was transfer day.
It was cold and snowy and we were in Waltham at the Boston IVF clinic.
I had acupuncture before and after.

2 embryos.
A nurse I detested.
A doc I had never met.
A very large and cold room.

They told us one of the embryos had "high implantation potential", HIP. And I thought, yeah, right.

But here we are.
She's at preschool.
And I am writing about her.

the most beautiful

"

I want to say that life is beautiful. Life is a beautiful unfolding. I want to say we know so much more than we give ourselves credit for. I want to say we just don’t believe ourselves when the pattern does not match something we’ve seen before. Or the thing we thought we wanted. Or the thing we were told we should want. Not knowing is scary scary scary. But not knowing is also a  knowing.

"
from my book in progress, lost and finding.

writing is hard hard these days. the spigot feels off rather than open. I wonder why it floods sometimes and sometimes just drips or does not drip at all and just laughs dryly.

Anyway, trying to show up and allow it when time allows and feel blessed when it comes and try not to feel disappointed when it doesn't.

Hey there people. I am two days away from turning 49.  49.  what the holy wow.

Mid life, no joke, and probably past it. And suddenly realizing that my not knowing has mostly been about not believing it is possible to be passionate about so much... as if the plurality itself made it not count.  crazy.  for me, life is about this plurality. this love of science and art, of space and earth. inner and outer exploration. beauty. love.