I can't whistle: the most beautiful

09 February 2016

the most beautiful

I want to say that life is beautiful. Life is a beautiful unfolding. I want to say we know so much more than we give ourselves credit for. I want to say we just don’t believe ourselves when the pattern does not match something we’ve seen before. Or the thing we thought we wanted. Or the thing we were told we should want. Not knowing is scary scary scary. But not knowing is also a knowing.

"
from my book in progress, lost and finding.

writing is hard hard these days. the spigot feels off rather than open. I wonder why it floods sometimes and sometimes just drips or does not drip at all and just laughs dryly.

Anyway, trying to show up and allow it when time allows and feel blessed when it comes and try not to feel disappointed when it doesn't.

Hey there people. I am two days away from turning 49. 49. what the holy wow.

Mid life, no joke, and probably past it. And suddenly realizing that my not knowing has mostly been about not believing it is possible to be passionate about so much... as if the plurality itself made it not count. crazy. for me, life is about this plurality. this love of science and art, of space and earth. inner and outer exploration. beauty. love.

1 comment:

markmarv2004 said...: It is this plurality that makes me know you are my genetic daughter. Holy Wow to that too!; February 11, 2016 at 12:35 PM

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About this blog

I started this blog during struggles with infertility--struggles that resulted in countless IUIs, medications, procedures, 5 attempted IVF cycles, 2 pregnancies, one heartbreaking loss, and one miracle baby.

Parenthood left me feeling like I was not sure what to do here, with this amazing community. To talk about parenting felt boastful for those still and forever struggling. To not talk about it felt disingenuous. So here I am. I want to talk about my real life. Parenting. Midlife reassessment. Flailing. Finding myself. Mucking about.

So yes, I am a midlife parent of an amazing child.
Yes, I battled infertility and will be forever changed by every single moment of that journey.
I am imperfect and life is messy, but it is also so beautiful.

Among many other things, I hope to reconnect to myself through writing here. And I hope to connect with you too. Others out there, parenting maybe later in life. Maybe after struggling. Maybe struggling still. We can all use a safe place and a lot of compassion. That's what I am offering to you. I hope you'll stick around.

inside out

"The key is, starting from the inside out. Often you say, “I don’t know what to do.” True, you don’t know what to do. There are infinite possibilities. And a bunch of them haven’t worked for you. A lot of them have been tried, and they haven’t worked under what you think are the same conditions. And so, you sort of pace around, you don’t know what to do. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want to have. But you always, you always, if you will stop and think about it, you ALWAYS know how you want to feel."

--Abraham