I can't whistle: good cry

04 May 2016

good cry

confession: today I had a good cry.
confession#2: I am actually not sure if I have ever had one before.

I've cried in a billion different ways, but I never would have categorized any of them as good.
except, maybe, the hope-fueled flying penguin debacle.

I always fight it.
Always.
Today I just let it happen.
And you know what? It felt kind of good to not fight it.

but this time was different. Like I was ready to let something go. Or at least let it rise up and be seen (by me, in the privacy of my own aloneness)

So, this to say, hmmm.
Shifts shifting shiftily...subtle but not.

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About this blog

I started this blog during struggles with infertility--struggles that resulted in countless IUIs, medications, procedures, 5 attempted IVF cycles, 2 pregnancies, one heartbreaking loss, and one miracle baby.

Parenthood left me feeling like I was not sure what to do here, with this amazing community. To talk about parenting felt boastful for those still and forever struggling. To not talk about it felt disingenuous. So here I am. I want to talk about my real life. Parenting. Midlife reassessment. Flailing. Finding myself. Mucking about.

So yes, I am a midlife parent of an amazing child.
Yes, I battled infertility and will be forever changed by every single moment of that journey.
I am imperfect and life is messy, but it is also so beautiful.

Among many other things, I hope to reconnect to myself through writing here. And I hope to connect with you too. Others out there, parenting maybe later in life. Maybe after struggling. Maybe struggling still. We can all use a safe place and a lot of compassion. That's what I am offering to you. I hope you'll stick around.

inside out

"The key is, starting from the inside out. Often you say, “I don’t know what to do.” True, you don’t know what to do. There are infinite possibilities. And a bunch of them haven’t worked for you. A lot of them have been tried, and they haven’t worked under what you think are the same conditions. And so, you sort of pace around, you don’t know what to do. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want to have. But you always, you always, if you will stop and think about it, you ALWAYS know how you want to feel."

--Abraham