11 February 2011

44

Last year I was one day post-transfer, praying to the last chance fertility gods and not quite daring to hope.

In the past year, I have gotten and stayed pregnant with a miraculous and wonderful baby girl, gotten (and stayed) married to the most amazing man on the most beautiful bluff, lost a big part of my job and, in that instant, a huge chunk of stability and identity, spent a summer mired in stressed out job uncertainty and a parade of one crazy terrifying pregnancy complication after another. I worried about selling the house in a market filled with auction houses and we realized we had to wait if at all possible.

Summer turned to fall and I (finally) gave birth to Della over the course of a few days, with first snow flying and birch trees outside the window that I did not see until it was over. Breastfeeding was a nightmare at first, delayed milk, trauma of a hungry baby and a body that was in shock from surgery, compounded with badly timed bad advice. By the time it was working I felt broken.

I spent two months at home with Della and Doug, using my vacation time, learning how to be This kate, this one who is in a constant state of not knowing.

At the turn of the new year, I lost half of my job again, and realized This kate, this one, this one wants more.
if I am trading time with Della for it, work needs to provide more. At least, I sure want it to. We began to think about putting the house on the market in the spring, realizing the likelihood of a short sale, since my income no longer covers the mortgage.

Then water came in the walls and the ceiling in 4 out of 5 rooms, pieces and parts have been ripped down, and now,
we are in a state of in-between-ness. Rebuilding waiting until after ice season so we only have to do this once.

And today, after one of the most amazing and difficult and transformative years of my life where just about everything I knew changed, today, I turn 44.

19 comments:

sprogblogger said...

Oh god, Kate - year 43 has been such a blessing in the most important ways - Doug & Della - but such a suckfest in other ways. So sorry about the house - we had water damage too last week, & are anticipating more when we get up there this afternoon. This is one hell of a winter.

Thinking of you, hoping the damage is cosmetic, not structural, and hoping that when you find a new place, it's not far at all from us.

xoxoxox

Gil said...

What a year it's been! Wow. From job stuff, pregnancy and delivery, house reno (ugh, not something you want to have to tackle right now, I'm sure) and so much more, it's been a ride, that's for sure. Wishing you a wonderful 44th birthday... and your first as Della's mommy! Happy Birthday Kate!

It is what it is said...

Happy Birthday, Kate.

I hope that your 45th year brings calmer waters. I can say that Della will be the great equalizer. Nothing is insurmountable because of her.

Emily Erin said...

Happy Birthday dear Kate; may you be as strong as you've shown yourself to be as you face new and uncharted waters this year.

Joannah said...

Happy birthday, sweet friend. This year is going to be a good one for you.

Nic said...

Happy birthday!
You are so strong and been through so much.

KathyB said...

Happy Birthday, Kate! The world is better and brighter because you are in it. May your 45th year bring the prosperity and stability you so richly deserve.
Love, KathyB

Michele said...

happy birthday!!!

Jem said...

Happy Birthday, oh ever-evolving-Kate. Trusting the next year will be less eventful and you can settle into new-Kate.

Embrace the change!

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Happy Birthday!

You wear the changes well.

What IF? said...

Happy birthday, dearest Kate. May this year ahead bring stability and fulfillment on the job front that surpasses your wildest dreams.

Kristin Noelle said...

I can't even believe what you've done this year. Cannot believe it. Sending so much love and gratitude for your life.

irrationalexuberance said...

It has been quite the year, hasn't it? I hope that, as the snow recedes, that things start seeming more manageable. But congratulations on the birthday and on surviving -- and thriving -- during this past year.

tireegal68 said...

What a momentous year!
over here too!
Good luck with ALL the changes and new and old things:)

Grade A said...

Happy Birthday! You can get through whatever gets thrown your way, Ms. Amazing.

linda said...

Happy Birthday Kate!!!

On "not knowing" and This Kate... we're always in a state of not knowing, each one of us, but there are very very few that are aware of this. :-)

B. said...

43 was memorable, wasn't it? And regardless of the job and house worries, you have Doug and Della with you for the coming year and beyond. I wish you a year of fulfilling changes and continuous wonder and the constant warmth of love surrounding you. Happy Birthday, Kate!

karen alonge said...

Happy Birthday!

(another) karen said...

Happy Belated Birtday! May it be your happiest year ever!

karen