08 June 2011


Baby is happy in this moment, so today, a two-fer.

I am flooding the house with cool air before buckling up against the heat. It is supposed to be beastly hot today, and humid too-- so right now goose bumps are a treat and treasure.

House is under contract, no kidding. Package has been submitted to the banks for consideration. I My realtor group has a lawyer and negotiators on board to do the heavy lifting, while I get collections calls every week from very nice bank of america people wondering why I am not paying. My last call to them ended with this: I do not qualify for any of their modification programs (my date of origination was after jan 2009, a magical date for making home affordable), so I needed to be 60 days late to qualify for their next tier of intervention. And so, just like that, everything I believe went to hell. Now they call and I feel like shit and they tell me the person lied, and I tell them to send that to me in writing with the name of the person I can call who will tell me what I qualify for while I pursue the short sale.... and nothing ever comes in the mail like that. It all sucks and is sucking my life force. Happily, the house is no longer being shown so at least I can leave my pump parts around, bottles on the rack, toothbrush on the sink.

The garden is magnificent, all iris are blooming. Hostas are huge and everything looks like it is thriving. I soak it in when I can.

This past week I had my first writing job in the days between workwork and going to maine to see Doug. It sucked, almost totally, but was very instructive in ways I will benefit from in the future. I don't want to dwell, but I was not proud of my resilience to the stress of it, and finally had to put on my Jen Lee shirt and my big girl pants and get a grip. Grip gotten, work submitted then a long drive north to Maine.

Maine will be for the summer only-- for me, just July and August. The cabin is cabin-y and I let myself off one hook by allowing myself to NOT try to make it home.

This weekend maybe I will look at apartments, trying to decrease costs as much as possible and knowing that for a time I can live almost anywhere. BUT having the baby changes things. (REALLY? NO SHIT KATE)

I feel fragmented and ragged, frayed and wrinkled, and tired in an achy sort of way.

A big life changing health issue in a beloved's beloved has rocked our worlds these past few weeks-- a diagnosis of MS and all of the fear and uncertainty and unfairness that that brings.

The diagnosis came yesterday, and the month really has been full of fear and uncertainty, scared of what it might be, fearing bad things, fearing worse things--
so while I sit surrounded by my own stress and bullshit, others are handling something so much more profound, so immense, that I felt I should be able to put my sadness and conflictedness and stress aside to hold room purely for an outpouring of very needed support kindness love.. but I can't. I am holding both.
I feel so selfish holding my own stressors too when they pale by comparison.

Like an etch-a-sketch, this other stuff should have toppled me over, given me a shake, cleared the screen, given me focus.

If you are reading this, beloved, I know you are thinking you are sorry. STOP THAT. I am sorry I am not managing better.

Ok, Della is done tormenting the cat, I must go. I just wanted you to know where I've been.
Unpoetically, deeply tangled, and wanting more than anything to gather myself together and just sit very still for a while or walk very far.


sprogblogger said...

Glad the house is under contract, but so sorry it's just adding to the stress in so many ways. Thinking of you, my dear, and the offer stands - if you need a place to get away from it all for a weekend or a week, come stay with us--we have the room, and would love the company, and Della & Henry could entertain each other under my supervision while you had some quiet time to yourself...

Take care of yourself, dear friend. You're in my thoughts.

Joannah said...

Well, I am sorry that life is so unsettled for you right now. Others' hardships don't mean yours are insignificant, but they can help you put yours into perspective. Just keep moving forward. Better days await you and yours.

Emily Erin said...

I agree with Joannah -- your difficulties are significant, so are your dear one's challenges with MS. Prayers for both of you. I hope that the house thing is over soon and that something lovely is waiting around the bend. So glad that you are able to soak up the loveliness of your garden, and I hope that you can figure out a way to go see Sprogblogger! Take good care dear, and treat yourself gently.

Sprogblogger's mom said...

Dear lovely Kate,

So sorry life is giving you so many intense challenges all at once.

On the issue of MS.... I have had MS for for 18 years. Have witnessed or experienced many, many different symptoms and challenges. Any questions on meds for different symptoms or lifestyle changes to deal with this very uncertain disease, email me or call me ANY TIME. SB can give you my phone number.

Love & Blessings, S

Elizabeth said...

Sweet Kate -- what to say? Sending love. I have a friend/ work colleague with MS, in the Boston area, (her daughter is almost exactly a year older than Liam, if I remember it right). Everyone is different, doubtless, but I can say that her life seems pretty full and if you want to talk with her, or ask questions I'm sure she'd try to answer them. She's delightful in every way. Sending more love,


PS: what is it with the cat; L goes through phases where he just won't leave the cat alone, will walk up and just step on her tail. It's totally and completely unbelievable and unfathomable to me. Did we DO THAT STUFF when we were 6 months? 4 years? Crazy.

Kate said...

So sorry that you're dealing with so many challenges right now. Hop hope things get better soon, and am glad your adorable Della can make things better in the meantime.

tireegal68 said...

Big hugs!
I had no idea Doug was elsewhere? Just temporarily I hope.
good luck on the apartment hunting and I hope you don't let those BofA people get you down. Don't let them give you false hope / harass you when you can have this clean break behind you ( soon, I hope)