Weather report

Cloudy, misty rain with a bit of funky offness, skin too tight-ness, heart too tender-ness.
So, I have made myself ginger peach tea, and a bowl of oatmeal with pumpkin pie spice (CLOVES) and brown sugar, and I made sure I am warm enough and am now trying to recalibrate my mood.

Outside it is looking a lttle novembery but it feels more like spring.

I realize, once again, that I have put myself in a position where I don't feel I can do my best for everyone I have said yes to. So I am strategizing. Trying to figure out how I can salvage the situation to make myself feel better, more under control, more capable, less conflicted.

It starts with time. Do I have enough? How do I make more available? What is the tradeoff? Is it worth it?
And it also starts with a simple question that makes me uncomfortable:

Is this bringing me more joy and satisfaction or less?

Hmmm. Think I will go drink my tea and distract myself a bit.

**if you want to watch me babble about this, head over to heartwork for a video. **

11 months

Della, you are 11 months and 5 days old.

And today? Today you WALKED.

You love peas more than anything, except, of course, your dad. And nursing. You get frustrated more and more quickly when you are trying to communicate and we do not understand what you are saying fast enough. You are a total delight, allow me to snuggle you, kiss me with a big open mouth, shake your head no all the time no matter if you mean yes... the you that has been there all along is just getting bigger, and it is so amazing to witness.

And today, you walked.

my first video hello

5 leaf clover

It is raining.
I am watching the drops gather and fall from the eave right above my window.

A beloved friend's mom died today and I feel as if I've been taken out at the knees. Sending love is all I can do. I cannot change a disease or the way the day dawned or take away the sadness.

Instead, I find myself having to bring myself back to right now, this moment, this mug of tea, this clacking keyboard, this breath.

I went to vermont on friday. I walked through Manchester with Della on my not-so-hippish hip, and got shoes and some pants for della and felt very much away but no where near at home.

I went to vermont on sunday, to putney this time, home for me in the early 80s and I walked around the school and felt peaceful and open and full of possibility. I looked up in the faculty lounge and was treated to ART hanging from the ceiling-- an angel, wireframe, a pen and ink sketch that felt weightless and magnificent and oh how I love being surprised like that.

I found a 5 leaf clover as I walked through knee high pasture
and
carried Della on my not so hippish hip and for once she felt weightless.

and you know what? for a while, so did I.