25 February 2013

Just for now, not for always

snow and stillness
motion now just snow falling off of wires and branches
drips dripping from icicles
otherwise, it is the kind of still that feels nearly unnerving, like looking at a frozen ocean. It reminds me of the million tiny movements that we get accustomed to... movement of trees, sky, grasses....even light.
This milky sky and shadowless ground.... so     very     still


thank you all for your great recommendations for Della's hair-- coconut oil! Frizz 'Fro indeed-- what a perfect description!
for your support about reading/videos/longing.... the one thing I know is that whatever I know today may or may not have any bearing on tomorrow... Della changes, and changes and changes, and it is for me to be sensitive, aware, and adjust.  Re-offer the food re-offer the book and activity that may not have been right yesterday. The ruts are often mine based on concluding rather than just resting in the moment.  This is our truth right now, I need to remind myself. Just for now. Not for always.

We memorialized my grandmother this weekend. And I swear, I feel as if she is just in the next room. I keep waiting for her to pop in and see if we need anything, tea or cookies... her voice is so present in my heart. My favorite moment from the service-- ok, there are three:  Della, in her big voice, pointing at the minister saying Who's that man? And then calling him a superhero (standing up high, wearing a cape-like-object, he really did look like a super hero);  a sudden loud organ chord that had us all levitate and then laugh....;  and the most beautiful bells.  I had never heard anyone play the bells, not alone, not christmasy, and wow... it was totally hauntingly lovely and emotionally right on.

Doug's beloved grandpa is suddenly failing, so Doug is off on a plane today after deciding, scheduling, getting more phone calls, and changing the flight to be much sooner...  This is such a sad season of transitions and losses I don't like it one bit.  Papa (Doug's grandpa) is a real character, I mean it, the kind if I wrote him everyone would think I'd gone too far, was too extreme...  I will always think of his laugh, head thrown back, full throated, joyful.... as he recounted how he met Doug's grandma.
We were all going to go in April. At least, that was the plan. Plans, shplans... we will change what we need to change, knowing the whole time that those things are not at all the things we would change right now if we could...


markmarv2004 said...

Thanks for letting me be there Saturday, via phone, sitting right between you and Sarah, listening to Della's burbling, the music, most of the words--but mostly inviting me to feel family love. I'm grateful. xox Pa

Emily Erin said...

With you in this challenging time of transition; letting go of what once was and being open to what just might be. Holding you up in light.

tireegal68 said...

Here to offer support and hugs. So sorry for your loss and for Doug's grandfather too.