reality and dandelion seeds

I kinda feel like an ass admitting this, but I trust you folks and want to put it out there I guess.

To be honest, this mainly does not feel real.

I know, I know, I know, gosh we worked hard to get here. Gosh that was a lot of injections...and a lot of this and that and the other thing, and more than a lion's share of luck... but it really does not feel real.

I still look like me, still feel like me only more tired and with occasional waves of car sickness (what a great description from one of my internet posse)-- some pretty persistent (but thankfully low grade) crampiness.
I swear if it were not for the drama of the twice daily progesterone suppositories and their attendant intestinal oddnesses, I would feel,
well,
decidedly non pregnant.

I am not sure what I expected. Flowers and gold dust maybe, angels singing (maybe I just can' t hear them)-- I thought that by seeing the little one it would help make it all feel more real, or seeing the heart beat, or allowing myself to buy some luscious belly oil.... but really, no.

I hate saying this.

I want to say I am all blissed out and mired in the right now experience of Finally Being Pregnant.

But it goes unnoticed for hours, and then I re-remember. And I am so surprised. But even then it does not feel like it is happening to me. It just doesn't. I want it to be immediate: HERE, RIGHT NOW, GROWING INSIDE ME. I feel awe and immense humbleness because of what I know is happening. But I do not feel that it is happening to me.

I guess I wanted to put this out there, since I expected to be overcome with abiding joy (not really abiding, but the kind where you can't stop grinning). Or even relief. Or excitement. And instead I have a feeling of..... well.... I guess I don't know. A very cautious and intellectual sort of optimism with a liberal sprinkling of emotional distancing.

Hope is such a fucker-- we get so driven forward by what we want and that is so incredibly intense. Then finally FINALLY here we are and...

I worry, gosh I worry about things going wrong, or how the hell I will deal with my nutty boss, or the horrible tug of war about needing to work and just wanting to be able to stay home...
and I was so scared about what we might see during the scan that before the ultrasound I cried and cried.
This worry, and all these the various fears-- well, in many ways I find those are my most tangible connections to this incredible miraculous process taking part inside me.

Your enthusiasm, your celebrations, your congratulations, those are keeping me emotionally connected to this in ways I do not seem to be able to maintain on my own.

It all feels so fragile. And it is so scary. Like, yeah, so, for now maybe, but then what? Look at all than can go wrong! So maybe this feeling of separateness from this process is in some way self protective. Like if I allowed myself to feel all that is really there, maybe I would be overwhelmed.

Someone else recently mentioned PSTD when it comes to infertility issues, and I wonder how much that has to do with so much of what we all go through.

Because I am kate, I spent some time yesterday doing visualization, and also asking the little one to help me connect. I immediately imagined dandelion seeds, one in particular, lofting in an unseen breeze, and the question came right that very moment-- I asked, are you the seed? or the breeze? Am I trying to hold something unholdable right now? Like light? Like air? Like all the things we wish for?

perfectly great

One embryo, in the right place, measuring 6w 2d. And we got to see the heartbeat (HOLY SHIT FOLKS).
One bittersweet moment: seeing an empty second sac. That explains a lot of what I was feeling and supports my own intuition. So while it was affirming, it was very sad.

But it was the best news possible to see our little one defying the odds just by being there.

The doc laughed, beamed, smiled and shook his head, said he SURE would not have bet on it.

And with that and a small lecturette on prenatal nutrition, I officially graduated from the faraway fertility clinic to the much more local maternal and fetal medicine guy since I am of advanced maternal age. I already know that I like him a lot, having met him once before all of the fertility/IVF hootenany. He is geeky and competent and has a very no nonsense no bullshit way about him while still being humane. Am waiting back to hear when our appointment will be.

I promise to post a photo later on.**updated as promised! This baby is zoomed waaaay in. That gestational sac is about 1.6cm along the long avocado axis.**

sunday night

And all is well. I slept last night in spite of being bundled on a sofa and being saranaded by a whining and then barking crated dog. BUT no big cramps, just me and sleep just like we used to be. It was a nice break.
I am nervous about tomorrow, I admit. Even though I tell myself that I am not expecting bad things, I also have to admit I still fear bad things. So, it will be good to have it over with so we can know instead of worrying (at least about this part and this moment).

Connecticut has spring already, yellowing willows and spikes of skunk cabbage and trilling red winged blackbirds. I even saw forsythia and daffodils in bloom along with a maple tree. Our trip north was a rewind back into the familiar landscape of late winter, into snow patches in the shadows in the forest, and a snow flurry from some low hanging clouds. Tonight is just dang cold.

I'm having some formatting troubles on my wee computer so I will end here. I expect I will update tomorrow once I am back in the southern part of the state. Thanks for all of your reassurance. I really am thinking of these sensations as positive in general. Just scary when they get so intense. Just like life..

tough night

So I have to admit, last night was really tough, big big cramps that kept me awake. Not waxing and waning like period cramps. Just cramping. On and on and on and on. The kind that I had to breathe through for an hour or more. It all started when I got up to pee-- the cramps moved from background noise to WOW this is intense. And then they stayed that way for an hour, two... and gosh I was pretty darned tired this morning. 

So clearly this is worse at night for me,  as if sprout is doing all of its growing, or my body is doing all of its accommodating once I am in bed and it is the middle of the night. But the persistence of it, the intensity wore me out and wore me down. At least period cramps come and go, even when they are awful (and mine often are) they let up, there are moments when breathing can happen (and of course there is magical advil)--

But, I've had no bleeding (thankfully) and no intense cramping today so that's a relief!

I am heading down to see my wonderful sister this evening for the night-- then tomorrow we'll drive from there up to Dartmouth for the monday morning ultrasound. I will probably check in from there if not before and I will certainly let you know what's up after the scan. I am still cautiously optimistic. Still feel that things are ok. But I admit it is harder to think of the cramping as a good thing in the middle of the night when it is so consuming. I am going to try like hell to believe it is all good.

Wishing all of you a wonderful weekend. For me, I am celebrating that I only have about 100 sq ft left of snow. I went outside today and worked in the yard (gently) moving more sticks from the ice storm, and put my hands in the last of the snow. Bittersweet.

sisterhood

Wow, thanks K! thanks EB! My very first award. How sweet of you!

So,
the "rules" are:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award

Many of my posse have already been nominated- so can I nominate them again? I say yes! since this is all about acknowledgment. And yes, I know, I know, I am just supposed to nominate 10. I am not a very good rule follower. I'd rather follow my heart. So Kate's rules? Feel free to pass this on as you see fit. In other words, feel free to ignore the rules.

A sincere thank you to all of you who have offered so much support to me since this wild ride began. I love hearing from you here, and reading your words about your own journeys on your brave and honest websites. Thank you for all that you are willing to share-- such immense generosity! I am blessed.

sprogblogger
Joannah
GradeA
WhatIF
In Vitro Veritas (Maredsous)
In Vitro Veritas (one pink line)
Little bit of something
strongblonde
onwardandsideways
Jenn and Jim, Jim and Jenn
Elizabeth

Baby smiling in back seat
IVF 40+
bb of baby go round
baby bunts
for the flavor
meinsideout
searching for serenity
Nic of trying for a baby

and while not IFers

I bestow the sisterhood award on my two blogging in real life loves

iseebeauty and karen alonge

Now I am worried that I might have inadvertently forgotten someone. If so, my apologies, let's chalk it up to the hormones. Cady, do you have a website? Please feel free to leave it sometime if you do. Good luck tomorrow with your ultrasound.

nearly normal

Apparently, thanks to all of you who commented, I am actually normal! How cool is that? I am feeling MUCH much better about the cramping thanks to all of you-- I am looking at it is as very positive sign and a wonderful reminder that something is actually happening in there.

Yesterday I had a truly shitty and unexpected non-pregnancy related stress bomb-- the kind that sends adrenaline surging through your system, heart pounding hard and fast, crazy shaky stress. I kept saying to my self, calm down calm down you have to calm down for the baby. But it took a while, 45 minutes maybe, for the episode to be over and the whole time I was so incredibly pissed off at the person who catalyzed it since it felt like it had put my pregnancy in danger, and I was so worried I might be harming this little being I am growing, and good lord it was stressful. I'd already read a long time ago about gestation and acute grief (I had come across the paper quite by accident) and the study I read showed no ill effects on the developing baby, but goodness, I am sure it effects it somehow-- talk about being awash in chemical soup! I just tried to calm down as quickly as I could. I kept saying to the little one, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, this will pass quickly, don't worry, hang in there.

But it highlighted a really amazing change that has happened here. I am a pretty self centered person. Not in a *bad* way but in the way that happens from being single for a long while, living by myself, being independent and only needing/wanting to rely on myself sort of way (I am fun to be in relationship with, let me tell you- no laughing Jane). But in that moment? Instead of worrying about me and being self-protective, I was worried about the baby.

Holy shit folks, I think I may actually be pregnant.

crampy question

Yesterday's worry "vacation" was divine. I highly recommend it. I did pretty well. A few moments of whatiffing, but mostly, I did just fine. And I was right, everything I worry about was right where I'd left it. I thought maybe it would run off, but no.

So I have a question/concern- (trying not to use the word worry)
I have been crampy on and off since soon after my unexpected positive and I am just wondering about whether this plagues the rest of the world. A quick search on Dr Google freaked me out so I've given up on that. It is worse at night-- calmer during the day. Sometimes it wakes me like the past two nights. There is no spotting at all (thankfully!), but it is at the level where it feels just like period cramps, the kind I would take something for. Insight anyone?

I am sleeping so lightly it seems that anything can wake me and then I lie awake for hours. When I do sleep, my dreams are filled with crazy and complex scenarios. Sometimes it feels like I am focused on old loves, as if I am cleaning out the file cabinets.

I know all of this is normal to some degree. My body is adjusting to my new sprout. In general I think I'm ok-- feeling a little bit low (maybe just tired + fragile), but I admit (timedly) that I am also starting to feel cautiously optimistic. Monday's number was such an immense relief.
And this past week and a half seems like a month and a half-- so much happening! Phew. I find myself fantasizing about the weekend and being able to sleep late and nap.

Sweet commenting Susan, do you have a blog address?