26 September 2009

excess baggage

Something brilliant from my momma:
"I am remembering a book about a hiker on the App. Trail
who started to jettison all sorts of weight as he went
along. His friend later asked for various items (food)
and found they were cast aside too far back to retrieve
them. Do you find this useful? Yes No [check one]"

this made me laugh out loud.
this also made me think of all the extra shit we carry just in case.
made me think about how few times I wish I had kept something I'd let go compared to how many times I curse the weight of my bag, the useless stuff I brought along,

in between

In the classic way of the mid 2ww, I feel very inbetween
I've just started having some occasional vague sensations of full-ish-ness, some cramping when I sneeze or turn too abruptly, but most of the time, just tired from the progesterone, worried about the travel, thinking about peeing on a stick alone in a hotel room a million miles from home and weighing that against watching my temp drop or starting to bleed.
I leave later today, will be gone until next friday night, next friday when my period would be due.

I will pee on a stick, I know it. I am bringing 3. But I will wait until thursday night when I am done since I have to be functional for work with clients I do not know.

As an introvert, 4 days of needing to be "on" full time is always a stretch, always hard to imagine and do. Nights pass in a blink, days go slowly. My voice starts to warble by midafternoon on the first day. I deplete and by the third day I am dragging. I would be better with 2 days or a day off in the middle to recharge.
so yeah, the travel is just travel, but the content, the needing to be on, that is what I am dreading.

I so much want this to work, want to feel the magic again. I want to revel in it, feel swamped by the wonder of it. Do more energy work to stay calm this time.

t of a little bit of something had her twins on thursday!
billy of my pathway to motherhood just got a bit big fat wonderful fabulous positive

I am trying to catch up with all of you, I can now get wordpress from home! whoo hoo! damn router setting blah blah.... but now I am heading away so I will be farther behind.

depending on my level of connection at the hotel, you may hear from me sometimes or not at all. but I'll be back for my beta, period or not, in one week and you sure as heck will hear from me then.

24 September 2009


feeling a little scared that maybe my little stars did not make it

wondering about what is happening in there, wishing I could feel it happening, feel it working

knowing there is no way to know, not now, not yet

reveling in being a little more calm and centered for whatever magical combination of reasons

hoping that I can stay calm no matter what the outcome, that this will work, and if it does not, that it will not break me

dreaming about week after next, a week off from work, a week of art and writing and tea and being outside and breathing and living at the pace of my own making

finding myself finding myself over and over, oh! I say, there I am! and that feels pretty darn good each and every time, like finding a beach stone in your pocket that you picked up warm from the sun, that is now warm from your body. You forget, go looking for keys or change, and then, your fingers find warm worn smooth. It is not so much that it was lost, just unattended to.

being-- yeah, this one is both the most effortless and the most effort-full, be-ing. So hard for someone so used to the do-ing.

An owl was perched on a dead branch on a high tree at the edge of our clearing this morning. I watched it watch dragonflies.

22 September 2009


So today is 2dp3dt. Which is very cool just because I've never been able to say it!

So, yesterday was an odd day of wonder and awe. I spent a lot of the day in awe of what I might be carrying, hoping hoping hoping. I have never known I was carrying an embryo (or 5) before- and the awareness is remarkable. I want to know I still am, and there is no way of knowing.

I realized over the weekend in one of my many miniephipanies, that I need to calm the fuck down. I realized that I need to manage my feeling of overwhelmedness better than I have, and as best I can. So yesterday was an exercise in asking myself, "what do I need to do to stay calm?" which is one hell of a different question than "what should I do?"--

and I did ok--
I kept thinking about that cluster of tiny lights nestled deep inside me and felt I owe them this, I owe Me this too--

being crazy does not actually help me do more or be more productive or be more valuable, it just makes me feel crappy. So I am going to be trying really hard to be and stay less reactive (wish me luck when my boss calls!).

Ok about refrigeration and the progesterone suppositories, they only need to be cold to maintain their shape for, um, insertion. They can get warm and not lose efficacy-- so the trip just got simpler. I simply re-refrigerate them once I arrive.

About betas and testing and pee sticks and protocols-- sweet Sharon called yesterday and said we'll do our first beta when I get back, October 3rd, which is after when my period might come but to do it anyway, no matter what. And, if I want, I can pee on a stick on the 1st.

There is sadness in the internets-- I hate some of what I found as I romped around to catch up with my blogspot friends yesterday (still no wordpress access from home)-- Eileen of we got hitched so very sadly lost her pregnancy last week (another fucking loss- I think 3 this year), and Pundelina's embryos did not make it to transfer over the weekend. I am so sorry for these losses-

And the challenges go on--Two friends are on bedrest-- Sarah (for the flavor) is on bedrest at the hospital and Magsy (Grade A) is at home.

The losses-- of pregnancies, or the possibility of pregnancy this cycle, or this lifetime, or of hope or time or certainty or identity or self. There are so many nested losses here in this dang infertility world. I wish on all of us such an easier time than seems to be possible.

I sometimes think that holding hope is like chasing mercury around on the carpet, it pools and skitters away as you try to grab it. Other times it is nearly viral, sticking with us anyway no matter what, in spite of, anyway. Breathing in awareness of sadness and losses, breathing out love and hope for healing. It is the equinox, a new season, a season of daily change here in the northeast- leaves change so fast, frost comes, leaves fall, we are bundled in sweaters and wool socks, and finding our ice scrapers, and thinking about putting on winter tires.

Last night as I was driving home late late late, two male moose crossed the road not even a mile from my house. The glitter of their shiny eyeballs way up high made me stop, their truck-sized bodies reflect no light at all-- and they gamboled across the road
less than 20 feet from my car, and vanished into the darkness of the woods. Reminding me, of course, that there is magic everywhere, all the time. Just because I cannot always see it does not mean it is not there.

20 September 2009


This morning we transferred all 5- for you fertility geeks like me-

1 3 cell B+
1 4 cell C
1 5 cell B-
1 7 cell B+
1 8 cell B

HOLY SHIT PEOPLE, I'm currently carrying a litter.

I felt so incredibly odd having them exist, but not having them inside me, and I feel much better now that we're all hanging out together, you know, until I think of the number.

Dr. R did the transfer, someone I had never met. He used to work in a big Boston clinic and do 20 of these a day, every day-- so when he said based on his experience that he would absolutely recommend transferring them all due to my age, we went with his suggestion. I have a philosophical inclination not to transfer more than it is possible to carry safely-- you know, just in case. But he is right-- because of my age, it will be lucky to be pregnant at all after this, and extra lucky to stay pregnant, and likewise, it is highly unlikely that the unthinkable would happen.

But I know this already- admittedly vehemently pro choice kate speaking here, that while it is likely/expected they will not all make it, that will make me sad- even though it would be *crazy*, untenable and impossible if they did.

Ok I need to make a comment about progesterone shots-- they suck rocks and I am really lucky my protocol includes daily suppositories (yay festive bubbly pee) rather than shots. But on retrieval day and transfer day, the give a shot of PIO. And today, I was extra lucky, I had two. The needle fell off halfway through the first shot, so I got a bonus shot. Lucky me.

I also need to make a comment on the requisite "uncomfortably full bladder" required for transfer. I am not sure I have been that uncomfortable ever. In the past, the distant past I may add, when I had to pee that kind of badly, I literally just went-- wherever-- behind a tree, in my pants, whatever. So I have never let myself get that uncomfortable and certainly not then stay that way. It was horrid. Before we began I was allowed to empty *some* (enter super human effort here) since I was so uncomfortable.
But by the time the ultrasound thingy was pressing on my bladder, the speculum was in and open, good lord. And my notorious tea-cup sized bladder was looking like a pumpkin on the screen-- gah.

For those of you who have not done this particular part- I think I want to share the broad strokes. Went in, got undressed from the waist down. It always makes me laugh when they step out to give you privacy at this point, since really, most of these folks are going to see your uvula from the inside out pretty soon anyway.

Then up on the table, progesterone shot, hair net, face mask, ultrasound (external as with this whole procedure, a nice change, you know, except for the bladder)--
while getting positioned, the doc came in and we talked about numbers and reasoning and advice-- and there was all of the confirmational stuff with the embryo lab (adjacent to the procedure room and for me, the door opening right where everyone in the lab could see my religion). Confirmation of my name, birthdate, embryo count, number to transfer....

then my doc did a trial thread of the catheter since we had not worked together before-- all ok, then he called into the embryo room. Those folks loaded our embryos in a syringe thingy, and brought it in forthwith-- this is a really quick process, there is no dilly dallying. That catheter was threaded, I could see it on the ultrasound, then, just like that, the embryos were deposited, and the cath removed and checked by the embryo lab to make sure none were lurking-- all clear, done.

And we had a great view of 5 sparkling lights in my uterus before we were done.

In at 7:45, out at around 8:30.

of course my betas are scheduled for when I am in the netherlands week after this so that is something that will need to wait-- they are scheduled for day 12 and day 14 (past retrieval). So... I will call the nurse about that tomorrow. And, as an added bonus complexification (I like my new word), I need to bring suppositories with me (yay) on my european jaunt. Somehow refrigerated. Hmmm.

About Squam-- folks last year raved that it was a lovefest, lifechanging, transformational.. and I thought ok, I hear you, but for me it will be an art workshop. But you know? I was kinda wrong. It was an art workshop, but it was not only that. My transformation was admittedly more quiet-- the reason it was life changing for me was a combination of the amazingly beautiful location and wide open sky over the lake, the permission I gave myself to play and make mistakes and try stuff anyway, and the truly lovely people that I met.

A special shout out to my amazing cabin mates-- sweet Sarah, Crissy, Sarah, Tracy, Lisa and Jess-- smart, talented, lovely and wonderful artists and people who absolutely made the week for me. And also to Denise of bohogirl fame, for our brief real life hello and for looking at me with her beautiful, warm, deep brown eyes in the midst of the dining hall sensory overload and in that moment making me feel both visible and seen, and oh, to Jen Lee-- honestly, what a blessing to have met her-- I am not sure what finally will matter more, the impact on my writing or on my heart. I imagine it will be both. Let me just say that for how difficult this was in many ways, for the old fears and discomforts and some that were new, I would not trade it. If you go next year, trust me on this, bring gloves, a hat, scarves, sweaters, a heating pad or hot water bottle- and a travel mug. I was cold most of the time indoors and out and I live in NH and have no excuse of ignorance. And for goodness sakes bring a good bright flashlight. I have never been anywhere more dark ever. Walk into a tree dark. If you are a city person and cannot imagine uninsulated cabins, or a spider in your sink, or the kind of darkness that swallows you, this may suck.

The only regret I have is not swimming- but I couldn't really-- the water was so clean and so beautiful, it begged for star spangled skinny dipping.

Thank you for your amazing support always-- I cannot tell you how much it matters, but for those of you out there, I imagine you know-- your kind words and wishes bolster me, my intermittent bravery, my resolve. Thank you. I hope to be a better blogger, and now that I am back on line I hope to check in. I feel very out of touch.

So my 5 little ones and I are going to sack out now. We were up at 5 to drive north-- the dark starry sky giving way to light and fog and frost (!) and changing colors, I am not sure anything could be more beautiful.

18 September 2009


From my darlin' who is on phone duty:

"Of the 8 eggs, 7 were mature, 5 fertilized.
Things are looking good. If they begin to look great they may reccommend a 5 day transfer which would put us on Tuesday. They will call me tomorrow on my cell and/or home number to let us know. At this point we are on for 7:45AM on Sunday."

hot diggity dog
we have fertilization!
still scared and still praying to whatever gods might be listening.

thank you all for the great wishes and crossed fingers and prayers and hopes.
I have never been in this particular in-between place, of having eggs but not IN me-- having embryos but not IN me, this is the oddest possible thing.

things are amazing here at Squam, paint under my fingers and got the hell out of my own way. made some messes, and some beauty. Both by accident, just like real life.

17 September 2009


Whoo hoo! 8 eggs! no idea anything else about them but
and I am simply thrilled
and relieved more than i can say
and scared that something bad will happen.

on a positive note, I came back to Squam and slept all afternoon,
and now, surrounded by beautiful creative people and am trying to pretend that I believe I belong.
amazing how this belonging thing, this fear of being an outsider, bites me in the ass even in my older age.

off to eat and celebrate.
thank you for your sweet notes, I look forward to reading them now that I found wifi!!!

16 September 2009

day of the night before

Trigger last night was about 90% anticipatory anxiety, 10% just perfectly fine injection (my darlin' gets a gold star)-- 15+ minutes of pre-icing is just the thing.
This morning, I woke to a sore butt and hammering heart.
I peed on a stick (dollar store) saw the instantaneous two lines, felt better about knowing the hCG is in my system.

Figured out initial logistics for the next few days- with plenty of room for adjustment as necessary. Still going to Squam, checking in tonight and staying for orientation- then we'll head over to Hanover for the night for the retrieval tomorrow morning (fingers crossed), then back to Squam if I am up for it afterwards for a very very low key thursday that could mean bed, or dock, or woods...

Class still scheduled for friday and saturday but I can change that as I need to.
I can do nothing or something as I wish and can.

Last time the physical part of ER was no big deal- I felt tired after, but really, it was the emotional part of the "no eggs" thing that really took me down. I am hopeful I will be comfortable in every way-- body and eggs retrieved please.

Good luck to everyone out there in every way-- Folks who are cycling now or are on the cusp, folks waiting for information, and folks in their 2ww, or waiting for a cyst to shrink, or waiting for the stars to align.
I wish this took a lot less luck, heck, we'd all be pregnant.

I'll be checking in as I can.

15 September 2009

breathing into a bag

Um, yeah, so, I am trying to manage my anxiety by humming quietly and rocking.
Hmmmmm hmmm hmmm

Trigger tonight at 9, ER (egg retrieval) thursday morning at 8. ET (embryo transfer), if all goes well, on Monday. Still scared out of my wits that something will go wrong and no eggs will get retrieved like last time.
Finally touched base with the finance folks at the hospital...
and found one IM needle in my bag-o-tricks
gosh. this is really something.

Pundalina, and K are just about exactly on my schedule, and sweet Traci is coming up soon if her cyst will let her get on with things.

You know how you hope for a pony, more than anything you want a pony, then maybe you get a pony and you're all like HOLY SHIT! A PONY! I feel kind of like that, please IVF IVF IVF? and then suddenly IVF! And I am all holy shit! IVF! so I am not sure what this means about my personality, I sure as hell hope I am not better and wishing than having, otherwise the next, say, 40 years or so should be interesting. I think it is more that I am used to wanting and not entirely used to getting/having/keeping (although I would like to get used to it), and I am simply not used to having the good thing happen when I get to the crossroads and it could go one way or the other.
This journey has been far from affirming.

rock, rock, rocking.
and la la la mmmmmmm la la

And, sincerely, thank you so much for all of your kind words and support!

14 September 2009



and yabber.
(because what is woot without yabber, I ask you)
holy moly I AM SO SCARED- what if there are no eggs retrieved like last time?
what if they get some but they are not mature?
or don't pollinate? I mean, fertilize?
what if they don't divide and grow?
what if
what if
what if
what if there are no eggs?
I think you get the picture, heck, you can probably hear my brain all the way over there,
somewhere between a babble and a scream.
holy moly I am so psyched. This little upgrade decision just upped our chances 2X.
And holy moly I am so scared. This ups the ante, ups the financial component too-- more to lose.

All I know: 19 16 16 14 13 13 13 12 mostly on the right, and they hope to get 4-7 if all goes well. I stim today and tomorrow morning... then trigger tomorrow night, time TBD.

oh my oh my oh my
and one "holy shit" for good measure
one very sincere "please".

13 September 2009

beauty and broken glass

so today is day what, 7 of stims, day 2 of antagon... egg white cervical mucus this morning (sorry dad)-- um, ?
So, my next ultrasound is tomorrow morning, evilly early. I need to get up at 5, and I am not a morning person. But sunrise sure is pretty to watch, and steam will be rising from the river, and there should be fog on the fields. (See? I'm trying to think of something positive)... I'm hoping we did not miss my natural inclination to ovulate early. Hoping I have enough follicles to convert. Hoping above all else that whatever the hell we end up doing works.

I want to send some extra love to Michele who had her twins 3 days ago (just shy of 28 weeks) after weeks and weeks and weeks of hospital bedrest and prayer and they are doing great in NICU. Scary and miraculous and beautiful.
Murgdan had some friggin scary bleeding but it seems to have quit. But not before she had a reassuring ultrasound showing one beautiful sac.
And sweet Elizabeth, gosh darn, she is going through a really hard time: her darlin' is fighting hard against organ rejection from his many years ago lung transplant, and what the hell do you say about that?

I am lucky and I know it. No matter what fresh hell this feels like, I am lucky. I am lucky I am lucky.

I hiked today after sleeping long and waking tired. It rained yesterday, so sun this morning meant steaminess. I hiked quickly, reveled in feeling my heart beating really hard and really fast. I just did my short hike, my "fitness hike" not my nice long sanity-recovery hike, the trail was just too busy, with waaaay too many cars parked at the trailhead.

I moved one big slug off a rock in the middle of the path, but saw (and heard) none of my usual crows, turkeys, snakes, chipmunks. I saw one tawny poodle/cocker spaniel mix with the silliest foofytopped haircut hiking with a big soft sweaty guy who kept up his side of their dialog as if he was talking to a person, completely unembarrassed by me. "Look at that view, fella", he said, "Are you looking? Do you see that? Wow"... I left them to it.

And I came back home with a handful of broken glass and one perfectly breathtaking miniature harbinger of fall. Which, really, pretty much says it.

11 September 2009

one bandaid for me, no paper clips

I had my least favorite wand mistress- and the screen I could not see, I counted clicks and guessed things were progressing.
This afternoon I got my follicle count:
3 on the right over 10-- 13,13,12

one on the left over 10--11
and a bunch of little ones (6 more?)
E2 569
Prolactin showing my pituitary tumor is being nicely suppressed...
So all doses stay the same with Antagon added in starting tomorrow morning, next ultrasound and bloodwork on monday insanely early (6:45 an hour away gah)
Asked again about IVF conversion-- my nurse is all for it, my doc says "we'll see"-- so, we'll see.

hate those friggin ganirelix shots, they sting like a mofo and look downright Frankenstein-ian in their little glass syringes.

A customer has been in these past few days and will be again on monday, a beautiful, insanely smart, very very very pregnant customer. One I just met, who is charming and blushes easily and can probably figure out how to get to the moon with two bandaids and a paperclip and a small wad of gum. She says she is in denial about her pregnancy, and that is all she's said except some stuff about the imminent timing of her upcoming leave.

I am nervous like I am on a first date, babbling idiotkate. Don't look at her belly! Don't look at her belly! Don't look....
yeah right.
so this has been challenging.

And today is a day of sadness and rawness for me, my would-have-been 10th anniversary. I am holding my heart gently this night, letting it feel as safe as I can help it feel.

Tonight I am the kind of tired that makes me tearful, bone tired, heart tired, mind tired.
So I am off to bed at 9:30 pm and hope to wake up whole.

10 September 2009

this and that

Work is nutty, my apologies for the quiet, but I am buried there and flat out and done done by the time I crawl home.

Done with day 3 of stims today, 1 honking purple bruise, otherwise ok. Ultrasound and bloodwork early tomorrow so this cycle does not run away like last time- here's hoping for fine progress and timely monitoring.

The realizations I alluded to are not very poetic, but I realized that I have tools I can use that work when I am freaking out or feeling blue, I just forget. It is as if I think something *new* will work better. I forget that what I can do does work. I also remembered I am wiser than I think. Sometimes it is as simple as asking myself, what's my gut feeling? Sometimes I need to get into the woods, move through space, hike, sometimes I need to call Elma and get balanced with her magical energy, sometimes I just need to write to Karen. Sometimes I need to be picked up and hugged tightly.

So I decided not to continue to speak with Patricia for now. Thinking about talking with her again was making me feel more overwhelmed rather than less.

And I know I will not be doing IVF at Shady Grove with my eggs, but very likely will with donor eggs, so I canceled my consult for IVF, deciding that that time/effort would be better spent at a clinic I am truly considering. Like Chicago.

I realized I am going to have to play it by ear next week, play it day by day with the wondrous art workshop. I want to know I can attend and stay, but I might not be able to go at all, or go for long, or go and stay... and I simply cannot know ahead of time any dang bit of it so I need to stay flexible. And I need to give myself permission to do or not do, to go or not go, to stay or not stay. And also, to know I may be there and not attend classes, and that can be ok too if I let it.

And, I realized that no matter how flexible I am, I am pretty sure I should cancel my Maine trip in early October since it is exactly the wrong time no matter what the outcome of this cycle, positive, negative or whatever. So. There. That sucks and I am disappointed, but I do not see myself getting ultrasounds up there, or driving around trying to find a clinic an hour or two away...so I will run away with Tammy some other weekend to try to make up for it at least a little. I value my time with her so much.

And I had a session with my sweet friend Karen- who is wonderful, intuitive, a great coach, smart as hell, a terrific friend, and she just simply gets me. To say it helped would be an understatement.

Soooo being back on the IVFy horse sucks, simply having to be on it sucks, and hoping so much that this will just work, but feeling pretty darn jaded/cynical at this moment. Hope and cynicism, the new reeses peanut butter cup.

08 September 2009


So, CD3, baseline scan this morning says 10 follicles on right (hola!) and 5 on left (whoo hoo!) and I'm off to the races. Shot up in the parking lot, and, well, felt a little jubilant. I am sure I am becoming unhinged.

Yesterday started off badly with a laugh that got edging on hysterical then disintegrated into crying hard. I hiked my hike and saved myself. Then home again. To try to outrun my demons, my darlin' and I went to the park to play. Swings, climbing stuff, badminton, shooting basketballs. And I left the day hot and sweaty and happy with only one big sprained black and blue finger. How fun to have someone to Play with. Not compete against or with, not get instructed or corrected by, not led, nor followed, just WITH.

I had some conversations and took stock and made some choices that have helped- I'll write more about them later as I right now I am sneaking time from work.

But I will say this: my drive up north this morning was through the dawn hours and fog of every kind-- ground fog on hay fields, valley fog along the river, will-o-wisp fog that tendrils up from lake water like ghosts or spirits or sprites, thick blanket fog that makes you drive 2 miles an hour and pray...
the light was glowing and dreamy, amber and gold, and the trees were just barely hints on the hillsides. It was one of my most sustained periods of wallowing in (and driving through) loveliness in recent memory.

I am damn tired after a horrid night's sleep, but the fog? Made waking early worth it.


06 September 2009


To all my dear Wordpress blogger friends- I am so sorry, I cannot get to you- I have no idea why. It has been days now, and the computer just says loading.... and never loads. I have tried my darlin's PC as well as my Mac- no dice, no joy, no idea why I am not able-- so please know I am missing you.

And to all of you --there's a great, wondrous post up by If Optimist today- it is the kind of magnificent that I am compelled to want to share.

CD1 is upon me. Temp plummeted etc etc.
Ta da.
like buttah. actually more like falling off a log, but hey...

05 September 2009

not surprised

15dpo and my temp was not decidedly down this morning, so, yes, I finally peed on a stick, and no, I am not pregnant.
So, I am in the never never land of knowing that my period just needs to come, and knowing it will, but not being sure just when.
It's ok, oddly, I am much more zen about this cycle than most. I know it will show up. I have pms from hell complete with self loathing, yes, it is imminent.

I've thought a lot about the idea of emotional preparation, -- the idea that somehow we can prepare ourselves and cushion a blow simply by knowing it might happen. Emotional preparation is something which I now firmly believe is a load of crap.
It's like this: you can anticipate an outcome, prepare for it intellectually (as in, identify it as a possible outcome), but the emotional response when it happens? Is what it is. The only thing missing is the added layer of surprise of facing a possibility one had not expected.

So, knowing this would probably most likely be negative does not mean I am not sad. I am sad, but I am not surprised.

I cleaned the toilet and the bathroom floor, went on a long heartpounding hike, wore myself out even more with lawn mowing (I have a kate-powered rotary mower thingy), and then ransacking my garden making way for some new bulbs coming soon, and digging in and moving brown eyed susans and coneflower.

Then? Errands in a town an hour away then made dinner and put in more laundry and now? Sofa.

And now, it catches up a bit, circles around and lies down just around my solar plexus. The nagging weight of ending this cycle, and starting again.

04 September 2009

full moon, 200th post

tonight the full moon
will cast shadows through my woods
like long lost sunlight

and owls will fall from trees
silently, like leaves, like wind
into the clearing, hunting mice

and I will lie there
awake in the strangeness of light and dark
of midnight and noon
and I will watch the sky and the shadows move
while the trees stand so still

and I will feel dreams come to my doorway,
images tangled with memory and hope
and I will wish myself to sleep

and I will sleep
I will sleep
I always do.

02 September 2009

12dpo, all things old are new again. kind of.

The peach?

And eating it took a lot longer than 10 seconds and included juice dripping down my chin.

I am interested in memory, how it shifts, and how I re-discover things, see things as if for the first time, have Ah Ha! moments that I have had before and forgotten, reached conclusions I have reached before without realizing I am tracing the same paths over and over. I think OK now I KNOW something, but do I really? I forget it, put it aside, then find it again later and think OK! Now I ....
Yeah well.

Ahh the thrill of rediscovery. I think I might be doing that with my IVF clinic search. I might be searching and researching just to talk myself out of it. Fear of work disruption, fear of logistical complexity, fear of failure at a place with a better track record and a bigger price tag. Gosh darn.

I've done this before, and not too long ago-- my CCRM and Boston IVF consultations.

So--this time? Shady Grove: IVF until 43 y 11months. Hear ye hear ye
and 9,500 per cycle (since I am too old for shared risk, that ends at 39 for all you youngsters out there). Their stats are *fine*, not sure they are good enough to make me change clinics but I will go ahead and have a phone consult (sept 21st).
DE: Their shared DE program that I am interested in is their 1:3 (one donor per 3 recipients)-- 29,000 for 6 cycles, live take home baby or your money back. You can opt out at any time and get your money back if you just burn out. Max age? 51.

(none of this includes my meds or pretesting of course).

IVF New jersey is sending an info packet in lieu of answering my question more directly about eligibility (age limits) and costs for both IVF and DE.

Chicago AFC is next. (Thanks Onward!)

See, for me it is not just about stats, (they matter a LOT), it is about life too-- how to keep my boss happy while I try to do this surreptitiously (9 people in the company, the boss is The Boss), and also how to do this in a way that makes sense considering Everything. Ideally, I would be able to let this be my full time job- do this thing with all my time and energy, including resting and not always striving and panicking. But in real life, it is only one of the things I am doing. Which I hate, but is real.

Anyway, as I said, it is not just about stats, it is about logistics and finances and tradeoffs of time and travel and money and stats, and it is also about the experience I will have there. I wish I could be all clinical about this, but I am not, I am kate. I am tender and want to feel cared for and about. So this matters to me too.

But all of this is for later (not much later necessarily, but later). Next cycle we'll do a medicated cycle here-- with IVF as the intent, IUI as the backup. Hope the cysts are gone. My darlin' wants to give it a real go here and so do I, since we have not had a real IVF yet, not really, the first IVF was canceled with no eggs retrieved, the second canceled late stim with a lead follicle and was converted to an IUI that worked! for a while! with heartbeat! then we lost the pregnancy and my heart broke. But we have not done a proper true no kidding multiple eggs (or even one) retrieved IVF. It sure would be nice to try.

Of course, I would rather just be and stay pregnant already and not have to DO any of this other crap. It is now 12dpo, I've had only one urge to pee on a stick, an urge that passed. I think I feel resigned to failure this month, realistically. One egg at most, if that, crazy late ovulation, blah blah not sure how to feel, afraid to bother feeling hopeful. Know my temp will drop and that will suck and we'll be off again on the next cycle.
Still tired, still weird about food, still broken out, still headachy. Still emotionally tender/touchy/softhearted...

My bloodwork came back fine so I guess I have to deal with blueness that is blueness. Which I HATE. This truly messes with my sense of self. I think I am kate, a happy person, optimistic, buoyant, resilient. So to have a stretch where I feel so down sucks ass. Messes with my self perception (almost wrote self protection, hmmmmmmmmm).

So anyway,
about that Brett Favre...

On a different note, or maybe not, I realize that I write stuff again and again and again. I am so sorry. I repeat myself. And tend to be redundant at temporally infrequent intervals. Did I mention I am sorry about that? I can hear you all now, yeah yeah, foggy mountain, yeah yeah, blue kate, financial worry, shitty work stress, yeah yeah we know we know we know.

But I swear, in the moment I am writing, it does not matter if I wrote it before, it is what I am thinking and feeling. But I also realize it is probably not so great from a reader sensitivity perspective, unless you are into deja vu-ishness.

At 5am, the sky lightens just enough to see the trees separate from the sky, dark gray from dark gray. I have seen it every morning, sometimes at 4, sometimes at 7 depending on the season. I am sure I have written this before.

But this morning, the sky turned from charcoal to pearl, the trees from shadow to texture. And it feels like magic, like something brand new, and in that moment, I do not care if I have seen it before, if I noticed it before, and now, I will try not to care if I've written about it before. For me, in that moment, it was all brand new.

01 September 2009


Happy september everyone-- I am glad to be in the countdown of unfortunate anniversaries and just want to be on the other side of all of this.
I am not (ordinarily) a wish my life away person-- but this season has been particularly shitty and yes, I am holding out for mid september.

I am tired to the bone. Allergies? depression? long term hormonal flux? not sure-- want to say maybe pregnancy? but then I'll just be blowing sunshine up my own skirt and even with all of my yoga that would be quite a stretch. I did go to my GP last week and said I know it is probably depression, but can you just check me for other obvious issues that could cause this immense fatigue- and she and I talked for nearly 45 minutes, and she took a lot of blood and agreed with me, that it is most probably depression-- well earned I might add-- and that it is still worth ruling out other causes. Bless her. No results yet, but I feel better having asked.

No interest in food and it tastes weird or bad when I do eat. No cramping to speak of, no sore breasts, no thing... but tired, and headachy, broken out and emotionally tender-- oh right! these could all be pms. But the food thing is weird. and I am not a headache person and this is day 3 of this headache.

I will not pee on a stick until the end of the week I think, or maybe I will let my temperature tell the story.

My period is due saturday (but oh, remember the fun we had last month? so who the heck knows...) so I asked my clinic if the holiday weekend mattered for CD2 baseline stuff and they said go right ahead and call on day 1, you'll get a scan day 2-- might be up north, might be manchester, but there will be a scan. I already have half my meds (from last cycle's shortened stim portion of the program)-- so no delay there.

But, in the mean time
today is gloriously beautiful- and last night's moon! The shadows were so dark, the woods look so magical in moonlight-- bright as noon but monochromatic, dreamlike. It was still and chilly made me think of apples and falling leaves. But all is not beautiful, I also get a weird stomach clenching school dread when the temperature cools. What the hell is that??

My most recent 10 seconds of nowness and joy: fondling a ripe peach-- it is heavier than I would expect, ready to be eaten. It is pure yellow at the stem, falling to freckled amber on one side, burgundy on the other, the peach fuzz is pollen colored, a dusty yellow. I am trying to decide if I am ready to give it a try, fearing/expecting I will hate the way it tastes... yeah, so not very affirming but very very true. I usually love peaches but my tastebuds have been thoroughly hijacked.

Acupuncture tonight after a week off while they went on vacation- hoping for balance and a good night's sleep with no tortured dreams. It goes without saying that tortured dreams, no matter how fascinating and creative, truly suck rocks. I feel hungover from last night's epic trauma/drama dream, dogged, draggy. Ok people, off to step outside and stand in the sunshine and eat the peach.