hear ye hear ye

Della pooped on the potty.




there will be cake.

Journeys: Tenderness

Being with a being who is dying is profound.

I have dealt with life.

I have dealt, on some level, with the aftermath of death.

But I have never dealt with, been with, allowed myself to contemplate the process, the fact of dying.

I am tender in the tenderest ways. Teary and broken open. Wanting to not fuck this up, wait too long to intervene, not wanting to intervene if intervention is not necessary.

I want to honor this creature's innate wisdom and cathood.

I want to honor our relationship and the vast love I feel and have received.

I want to honor ALL of this, the being and now, the transition into whatever is next.

He feels more and more internal now, quiet and often sleeping. He has stopped eating. I have stopped forcing him to try. I feel he is spending more time on whatever is next, and less time here, on being here, staying here. But he is still here, still jumping up onto the bed, still drinking water, still looking at me in a way that shows he is still here with me in those moments.

I know everyone would make different choices, but I am trying to make the right ones here and now for this person (me) and this amazing creature (Finn), and navigating this feels like the most awesome space of not knowing, wishful thinking, and something like intermittent acceptance. This sucks. But this is what it is. In this moment, he is curled up, not too tightly-- I can see the fluff of his surprisingly white belly, and the stripes that curl down his sides that are the deepest black. I can see the white line down the bridge of his nose, his white whiskers, how his breath moves his sides so slightly I can barely see it.
He seems peaceful, in this moment. In this moment, I am not. I feel all tied up, knotted with grief, and so very unsettled since I am allowing myself to be present in a way I would not have expected.

I am astonished at the depth of what I feel, the complexity one moment, the simplicity the next. LOVE< I keep telling myself, move from there. Witness from there. Choose from there.

And sometimes it means running in circles wailing. And sometimes it means sitting and not poking him, but enjoying his quiet companionship, even just in this moment. Even if it is just for this moment.

non weaning, yes, another update

after that shitstorm of emotion, that instantaneous shift that I was clearly not ready for...
well,

she's nursing again.

so.
what does it mean? it means I got a front-row preview of my actual process, and while it does suck, I will live.
tears don't kill us, thank god/goddess/all-that-is
but oh! there is grief
and gosh darn, how much I don't want to slog through that.... but I will, and I will live, even if it is astonishing in its complexity

but since i am in the habit of looking for hidden gifts, it also means I got a glimpse into what it might be like to sleep without the weight of my not-so-little-one slung across me, and, well, in some ways that will be nice. hello deep breath, I remember you.

it also means that I am aware of the fact of my own complexity, and at least I can practice (and practice and practice) self compassion...

thank you for your kind support while I struggle my way through this

week 41, update

So yeah, our first trip to L&D!

And home again.

A little gush of very warm fluid, then another-- not urine, so I called and they told me to come in to see if it is amnionic fluid. Nope. They said Lochia maybe...but that does not make sense. So I have no idea.

But I am contracting every 5-6 minutes (they feel like B&H with some fun intense moments with major cervical sensation), and I lost my mucus plug at the hospital...

and while they did check (good lord) I am not at all dilated. Just not.

So-- home to rest and eat and drink and walk and shower and rest more..

they said to call again when the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart, intense, and lasting a minute each. Or if another gush of fluid...

They said they think they'll see us before morning, but if not...we have a morning appointment if nothing happens between now and then.

Babe looked great on the monitor

and that is what matters MOST.

Contraction right now, wow. Feels surreal. But I also know it could be days yet.

So-- I do realize this: regardless of how this plays out, I am not sure when I will update. If I don't, my sister or my darlin' eventually will.

Thank you all for your amazing support and encouragement and kindness.

This whole thing is one hell of a ride.

week 41, +7

Woke today to a hyper awareness of my grumbly colon-- not new news for me, since, well, most of my life has been consumed by hyper awareness of my colon.. but it is new news for me since my radical life change (aka gluten free/dairy free) a few years ago. So I am a little back achy/tight, a little too much colonic awareness, and will sort of stay close for a bit.

Then, if it feels possible, Doug and I will walk in a while-- (don't want to be on the far "out" of the walk to find my colon thinking that this would be a FINE TIME to express itself fully-- been there, done that, but I could walk not just waddle and could disguise myself better in the woods).

Anyway, all is well.

Week 41. Who would have guessed we'd make it this far?

With utmost love to Alyssa and Sprog, wednesday would be fine, but so would tuesday, or monday or say, today. I'm still feeling fine, but discomfort is a fine motivator.

Cloudy and chilly-- the sun came out for a moment of warmth then went right back in.

But no rain today- a fine day for a walk. And a fine day to make apple pie. Hope I get to do both, you know, unless I'm busy.

+6

Yup, I am actually peaceful

with, you know, moments of maniacism (maniac-i-tude?)

but mostly peaceful.

So-- it is not your imagination: I went from FREAKING THE FUCK OUT thinking almost nothing but impending doom unless we get the baby out RIGHT NOW and persistent front row DBTs to thinking wait a minute.. we're paying attention, we're doing BPP/NST monitoring, so maybe just maybe, everything really is ok (right now).

I am trying to focus on the peaceful side, and the Tired sure is helping. Hard to run in circles when you're this big and this tired.

Out into the world then home to nap (I hope)--

+5, post doc

All good news: Baby is thriving, fluid fine, I am fine, not swollen, BP OK...so... I asked, then why are we going to induce? And, well, at this point there is no medical reason to do so....So as of this moment we'll have an "end date" of next wednesday/thursday instead of sunday/monday, which gives us a few more days for this little one to choose to come on its own...

the hospital does inductions monday-thursday and they don't want me going into week 42 since that puts me back in a high risk zone none of us want me to be in so, there we are.

Accupunture again tomorrow...

NST/BPP and cervix check again on monday, then again wednesday...

and, maybe not oddly at all, I feel MUCH better. Even with my free floating anxiety. Seeing the results today may buy me some breathing room--gosh I hope so.

And, as an added bonus, NO cervix check today, AND, as an added measure of happy success, for the first time ever, I did not pee on my own hand during urine sample collection.

As Linda so rightfully (gently, respectfully) reminded me, this is the BEST WAIT EVER. We cannot believe our luck.

(Ok baby, it's up to you now).

+5

I am not used to the change in light- it happens so fast these days! Dark at 5pm, dark still at 7:45-- just light enough to see trees against sky. My whole self wants to tuck in, sleep deeply and late, or get up and turn on ALL of the lights to signal to myself it is time to wake.

This morning we have an OB appointment: NST, BPP, then cervix check (gah).

I'll update later with where we are and where we're going.

+4

cold beautiful rain--- just above freezing. I am sure it shows just how pathologically questionable I am that I was hoping for snow- not SNOW just snow- almost nothing is as beautiful here once the leaves are down.

My last day of work today- wearing PJ bottoms, a long cozy sweatery thingy, wool socks, drinking hot real tea...

A little mucous and pinkness this morning, all new. All expected. A little upset stomach (queasyish)- nothing dramatic. I am just Aware and aware of my awareness.

Doug and I talked last night about the baby maybe just not being ready- and it made me feel more conflicted about the possibility of induction. But I am not going to dwell- I will lose myself in a work a bit, then in a book. I cannot impact this with rational thought or irrational fixation.

If I were to try to reframe this part of the experience toward what it truly is, it is simply and purely magical. Of all of the technology that brought us here, this part? This part is purely up to "nature" (unless we intervene for sanity or safety or both)--

and it is pretty darn cool to have this feel like other folks may feel (except the dead baby panic hovering in my peripheral vision like an energy sucking thief)-- this wondering when, how, how will it start, how soon would I know, what will it feel like, what will happen, how will I be...

So I am trying to step back--

my darlin is worried about timing for logistical reasons, but if you think about it, logistics are OUR construct, right? Nothing to do with the baby. The baby just is.

I am trying to not try *quite* so hard, and I am trying not to feel like I am Waiting.... instead, I am opening.

So-- with that-- work and tea and warmth and rain on the roof...

then books and rest and calm breaths, and tea and warmth and rain on the roof.

+3

A cold morning, only 25 with the sun well up- thick frost.

Acupuncture today after my half day of work, then a late lunch with sweet Tammy-- then...

home to rest I hope!

The TIRED is impressive-- almost as impressive as my desire to ignore it, work through it, fight it, do other things. I really suck at certain kinds of self care. Right now, I cannot afford to suck at it. So... Today I hope to actually rest, since sleep is sucking rocks right now, and lying down just feels bad in general.

Psychologically, I admit I feel better with an end date-- I do. I know my last day of work is tomorrow (half days this week), and I know that by early next week, the baby will be here. I have preferences still, strong ones, but I keep reminding myself of the most important goals that have driven me all this long way: healthy baby, healthy kate.

+2, election day!

One very different feeling contraction in the middle of the night that made me think that maybe....

and that is the truth, isn't it?

maybe!

and

eventually.

Today looks like november with a matte gray sky and no sunlight to help the oaks show off their raspberry or copper or chestnut colored leaves.

The ash have all gone brown from their vivid yellows

and the only yellow that remains that I see are the small willow leaves on the top of the bush I planted a few years ago that drops its leaves from the bottom up.

Work this morning and then, after lunch.... voting, one errand, then rest.

I feel up for it.

+1 Happy November!

Yesterday's walk brought spitting snow, which I LOVED-- sunlight here and there, clouds over the mountain, oak leaves, pine needles down along the road the exact strange color of my hair....

I slept badly, briefly, woke hourly except for 4, stayed awake for long times in between, awake awake. Watched the stars like time lapse photography, watched the moon rise, watched orion make his way across the clearing, watched the sky lighten, watched my brain roar with one little dream loop with minute variations-- hospital, waiting, reading a menu of options...

Today I have a string of dr appointments starting at 11 but will update this evening unless, you know, I'm busy.

I'm ok when it is daytime, but night brings worries.

The maybe plan has been discarded for when the doc says induce we will do it then. Until then, walking, raspberry tea, time, patience.

I'll let you know how that goes.

0, Week 40 (wow)

I posted a free mini journaling exercise over at heartwork yesterday- yup, FREE. Go take a look if you've been interested in checking it out. It's about fear.

My night wakings had lots of pressure, some new back sensations, and much big peeing (yay--worth getting up for)- and this morning I slept in. Dreamed almost solely of work... and now I am still so tired and it is still so soft and dark outside I may try to sleep a little longer and perhaps dream of something else (please dreamgods).

Week 40, just like that.

I cannot believe it, would not have bet this little one would have waited, and here we are- amazing.

-1

So today is a day of acupuncture with my favorite needle guy.

Spotting continues but it is the old brown of insult or injury not the new pink/red of hmmm something happening.

I started to focus my worry on induction- sometimes when I am scared about things (plural) I find a piece I can focus on that seems to embody the whole thing, and that is where my attention starts to settle and coalesce.

But in this case there are two worries, right? one is induction which I hate even thinking about (see point 1 above)

and the other which eclipses all else, is the worry that something bad will happen. More in a moment.

So yeah. After a pep talk with my sister I feel vaguely better- and have the beginning of a plan.

For my sanity MAYBE, we are thinking that if monday's check is fine, MAYBE in spite of my induction fear we will MAYBE ask for an induction at the end of next week. Otherwise all I will do is worry that Something Bad Will Happen to the baby between now and birth and folks? I cannot handle that.

I may change my mind a million more times, but to have the ghost of a plan makes me feel like I am doing something, saying to the universe that I am ready, and I need to avoid calamity.

So

I called my acupuncture guy yesterday afternoon and set up an appointment that I will leave for shortly

and he will see me again monday, then every day until the baby comes however that unfolds. Perhaps the best use of credit card plastic I can think of--

Emily Erin asked about the nursery--I have a photo I cannot find at the moment.

This little house came decked out in brightly colored interior paint-- pea green hallway, purple baby's room, kitchen with pea green and Yellow, living room pumpkin, blue bedroom... not much room, but high ceilings and bright colors and it felt like falling into a crayon box when I saw it.

So the baby's room began as "the purple room"-- a dark purple so dark it was midnightish--so we lightened it up by half, painted the trim white and I started buying art from Etsy to try to tell the universe I was ready for a baby (this was as we began "trying"). Time passed- the room filled with garbage/storage stuff.... we excavated, and began again. Repeat.

The room is now ready-- filled only with baby stuff- a bassinet that my mom slept in, some shelves that Doug made, Target bins, art, and space for the desk/changing table that Doug is making. We also have a crib waiting in the mudroom closet, and a fold up sleeper thingy we will use by the bed in our room.

I'll find the photo sometime and post it.

But now? Must run and go get needled.

It is a gorgeous day. I hope to walk.

-2

Sorry for the delay--all is well here.

first, go send love to a very scared Mo-- she deserves a fear free ride, but is not being allowed that yet.

So in this neck of the woods, the baby looks great on ultrasound (biophysical profile) with adequate fluid-- 8lbs+ already. Yowza.

And my cervix was checked which really and truly sucked ass- almost not able to stand it-- only a finger dilated and very soft. Baby quite high still as of that moment. And spotting ever since (as expected).

"They" say that the cervix check can sometimes urge things along-- but nothing is a given except I really don't think they'll let me go too long. I sure would like to avoid induction. We go back monday for all the same fun unless by some miracle I deliver this weekend.

Might post again later when I can think-- right now just hungry and tired.

-3

2 guys are here ripping shingles from the roof

unsubtle symbols of transformation

ungentle

necessary

eventually good

but right now all thundery thumping and hammering, pieces falling in front of the windows, things coming apart before then can be put back together-- this time the right way please...

And last night, the moon! Oh, the moon, a half but bright as full, it traced a path high across the sky casting shadows all during the second half of the night- and I was sleeping when the clouds came back. This morning is wet and gray and still, foggy, but starting to glow as the sun is trying to break through.

I could go with imagery of things falling apart, hidden damage, or things obscured,

or

I can revel in transformation, in light, in the beauty of shadow.

Guess which way I'm headed?

Raspberry leaf tea sweetened with honey cooling in a tall mug, and a day of work ahead, I'm ok.

-4

It is the weirdest weather today- beyond warm plus dark and rainy...

all surfaces sticky with moisture in the house

steamy

I am in a t-shirt, jeans and bare feet...Yesterday's big tired persists today- but I am giving myself permission to move slowly.

Last night when Doug got home, we walked to the end of the road and back-- phew! my belly felt like it weighted a million pounds (not its usual) and me? one big braxton hicks contraction (or so it seemed) the whole way. I was thinking it meant something, and it probably does.

It means things are getting ready to get ready.

Cat on the windowsill

me, here, and a day of research ahead of me (which I really enjoy)-- so, if I can settle into that, all will be well.

(Weird how some days I feel impatient, and others, I just feel like my more usual me)

PS Emily Erin--you can email me at icantwhistle at yahoo dot com BUT for goodness sakes, comments make me happy! no need for stuff!

-5...

So, wow, only 5 days until our estimated due date...

So, sometime in the next 12 days, we'll meet our little one.

You all were so kind in sending notes and comments about my worries yesterday- none are WORRIES, you know, except for the ever-present calamitous ones. But they make up some seriously unhelpful babble that makes me feel less and less ready, less and less competent. And really, I just need to let go, and get on with being/doing and less time worrying/thinking/speculating (ahhh not so easy to do though, eh?).

One new source of worry is that the baby is moving less big movements and that is freaking me out a little, but I know it is getting tighter in there, trust me, I know. It is quieter for longer, but then, it treats me to a few minutes of intense total bladder knocking baby-frenzy or alien movement. Right now, it is pressing up and down at the same time, and that makes me very happy.

My darlin' updated his blog last night if you'd like to hear his take on all of this. Even though we talk and talk, it is always fun to see what he has to say since it always gives me a little extra insight.

Progress? I had some very regular extra tight braxton hicks contractions last night for about an hour, then gone. Some pinchy cervix stuff that came and went, and today I feel like crap again, Very tired, iffy belly, just wanting to go back to sleep. And, in fact, I may give myself permission to do so.

(NOVEL IDEA)

But, because I am kate, I am going to give it a little while first; I'll finish my tea and to see if my fog lifts.

And now, back to work.

-6

So last night I realized that maybe, just maybe, it is time for this baby to come since I am starting to do things like creating some sort of free floating wildly far-reaching and far-fetching worrystorm-- worry about being a mom, how I will deal with my very changed and changing body, what clothes if any might fit me, learning to take care of a little one....

Shit, I am even starting to worry about labor (oddly, mostly about poo-control and associated stuff like that)...

I realized it will be so much better to deal with What Is, rather than All I Worry About-- since "what is" is bound to be a smaller set of things than my expansive and creative whatiffing...and there is power in being-in-the-moment which is completely diffused when worrying about All That Out There In SomedayMaybe Land.

So with that: Baby, I now invite you to come out and play. I will not be *more* ready two weeks from now (except in the beg-the-doctor sort of way)-- so bring it on. I am so curious to meet you! (Who is this little one???)

I love being pregnant more than I can possibly say. Yes, even in spite of the hemorrhoid I accidentally named and now cannot un-name. I feel lucky beyond measure, but I also know that I will not stand down, drop my pregnancy-worry, until this little one is on the outside.

And then? Ohhhhhh a plethora of things to worry about that are new and different!

Cold and perfectly insanely still outside. Yellow leaves, dark woods, glorious tea and sweater day. I am bundled up, and very very very happy to be working from home.

-8

Hello folks!

Thanks everyone (always always) for your good wishes. It is so great to hear from some of my posse from when I first started blogging. It means the world to me that you would still check in and celebrate along with me after all of this time, all of these struggles, all of this life.

Emily Erin, thank you for the link! And yes, estimated is just that- but it gives me a number to work around, even if we go into +5, +6.... I just know they won't let me go much longer than the end of week 41 since there is no uncertainty about the date of conception.

I don't mind waiting- I know,I know, I am a freak. But really, this all seems unreal to me, and I don't have any desire to rush it. I am curious beyond measure, but also feeling very lucky. I painted my own toenails today, can still move comfortably considering my immense belly, have been blessed with low blood pressure, bladder control...

pelvic pain sucks ass (seriously) but does not hurt unless I am lounging or lying down.

But-- I guess this is the but that has faced pregnant folks forever-- not knowing when is weird.

I go out I wonder... I stay in, I wonder... I am wondering wondering wondering. Any new sensation? I wonder. A big braxton hicks contraction plus cramping, I look at the clock and I wonder... so I can definitely see how I can become consumed by wondering, by watchfulness, by peripheral attentiveness, a very low key "constant vigilance".

***

So thursday evening I finished my 30 prompts for November-- they're all scheduled and ready to go starting one minute after midnight on the 1st (go to my Heartwork site for a link to the prompts)-- for any of you doing NaNoWriMo or just wanting 30 little snippets to make you go hmmm.

Today, my darlin and I have been talking about a changing table that can change into a kid's desk... and he is off shortly for wood.

And I'll be baking cookies today for some folks who will come help Doug move wood piles around (not much fun) and then..... painting? some writing?

again, letting myself off the hook for worksearchstuff is really really hard.

dazzling sunshine and ice on the deck this morning,

the sun cleared the treetops at 8:08

and the moon last night, Oh my, the moon.