hear ye hear ye

Della pooped on the potty.




there will be cake.

permission

I am so tired of this work thing-- it's like a long, drawn-out breakup.

I am all emotionally fuddled, find myself feeling perpetually chemically altered (sorry baby!), and really really wish this were different. I am sad, grieving in a way, trying to figure out how to fix it. I find I am working hard at trying to help, trying trying trying, and what I really need to do is to give myself permission to stop.

Just stop.

I can still work hard and in the best interest of the company, but I can stop trying to fix something that it is not in my power to fix. This is not a mess of my making.

Honestly, this whole thing showcases my residual and ancient disfunction in the most embarrassing way-- the most codependent bullshit dance I dance is this one. I am so much bigger than this. And it is impossibly hard to see this old me doing this old dance one more time.

My sweet sister gave me a really helpful pep talk last night, encouraging me, and letting me know she thinks I am almost ready to let this feeling of co-responsibility go. And I know I will feel lighter. Last week was a preview- I felt detached, but not absent. I need to get there again.

NLP includes a technique where you imagine a frame around the person causing distress, imagine zooming out, imagine turning down the volume... making the immediate experience a little more distant like watching TV.

I need to remember the self protecting skills I have, and remember to use them. The most important thing here is not to FIX THIS but to hold myself apart-- yes, protect myself--including against my own impossible expectations and ancient habits and tapelooping brain.

I remember lying in bed many nights after Jeff's death, wishing I could just shut off my brain. I was harming myself with my brain tape loops, hurting myself over and over... I learned to say STOP, right out loud, and to see a big stop sign. And repeat that as often as I had to. Sometimes it took what felt like a million tries.

But the intention here is really important, and I need to reinstate that technique, albeit more quietly. I am harming myself by trying so hard to fix this, by thinking and thinking and thinking...

(shhhh, katekate, hush).

hear me, me: You have permission to let this go. You are bigger than this.

How about you? If you could let one thing go today, one thing that is weighing you down, gobbling or nibbling away at your lifeforce, what would it be?

*** updated message for us all to hear from a great comment from It is what it is:

Also, think about the abundant space that will be created in your heart, mind, and consciousness for other, more life affirming things, if you let this thing go...

Ohh my, THANK YOU. Yes, you are SO RIGHT.

hiatus hiatus

Yeah, so, my wonderful, long, more-than-36-hours abject fear hiatus passed this morning when I woke up feeling all was lost.
No idea what clicked over, but I had that heavy feeling of doom. Maybe because I had no cramping, maybe because lying still I felt nearly normal...
As I drove in, nausea would come in waves, and in between, I would say see? All is lost. As if that made any sense at all.

I am insane, people.

I think Sprogblogger's comment yesterday was so wise, and I am trying to imagine myself sort of like an IF blind justice, with joy and hope in one hand, fear in the other, and realize that both have their place and that there is room for both.

I know this, of course. I have no issue with the knowing. I have issue with the feeling.

***

The stream is still up over the banks, and running so fast and crazy it is ignoring the turns and going through the woods instead, seeking straight lines, water yellow with dirt from the fast melt. But at my house I still have big snow in the back yard.
My drive goes through different seasons-- winter at my house, then early spring. And here, at work, the clover is getting green just outside the door in the warm sheltered spot by the side of the building. And the buds on the trees are getting big.

Last night I pulled off the road to talk with my sister (I lose signal on my way home) and the sky was nearly black with pinpoint bright stars. Orion over the western edge of the trees. And it was so quiet and still and dark and dazzling.