the end of the year

so here we are at the end of the year, and I am thinking about what i have learned. I learned I need to create, in ways that feel creative to me, as I am doing the work, letting the work through me, it is not optional. it is nourishment. it is essential. I have learned that too much work is not the blessing it may appear to be, but can impact everything in ways that feel like suffocation. that right work in right amounts is delicious. i have learned that my body and mind are brave and that my panic was/is pain trying to express itself. be heard. be understood. be accepted. and pushing it down and away is impossible. pull up a chair and listen, katekate. That is what it needs. after panic I need rest. full rest. sleep or distraction. I need to refill. i have learned I am not good at that. I bullshit myself. I am excellent at that. time to trade a little of my excellence in bs into excellence in self care. unapologetic. simply necessary. i have learned that I need connection that is simple. and I need conversations that are complex. that I need beauty that is simple. and beauty that is beyond imagining. I need to make space(s) for myself and within myself to hold who I am growing into, so I don't take the shape of an old container like a pot bound plant. I define the shape by my growing. i have learned that loving others is what I am here to do. and that others includes me. i have learned that doing my best work means telling the truth, even silently to myself. i have learned that I can speak, and that the listening is not up to me. but that I can speak in ways that make it more likely to be heard. I have learned that my enthusiasm can be a deterrent. too much. and the best I can do is laugh and call it what it is, and know that it is a filter. if I am too much, then maybe the work is not the right work, or the person is not the right fit, or the time is not right. my enthusiasm is a gift. but so is my conscious awareness of others. let me bring both together more harmoniously in the new year. i have learned that my changing body does not mean I have to reject myself because I am no longer familiar. it is an invitation to renew my own familiarity with this place I call home. recognizing I am in a time of rapid and chaotic transition. my needs will change as fast as my topography and my chemistry, and i need to cultivate self compassion, curiosity and fluidity in adapting. I have learned that love can be deep and distant, can be simple and complicated. that I can love and be loved and not understand or be understood. and that understanding is simply not as necessary as acceptance. If I wish to be accepted as myself. i need to accept others as themselves too. it goes both ways. both. in and out. out and in. like breath. i have learned that my mosaic of friends and family create the reality of my support system. that no one can hold the whole of my needs and no one should. I have learned to be a better piece in the mosaic of others'. I cannot be everything to anyone else either. i have learned that i know shit about parenting and my history of abuse and codependence makes this so so hard as I dance the crazy impossible certain to fail dance of conflict avoidance... but am doing my best with a smart sensitive spirited sprite whose energy outpaces mine like an Australian sheep dog. i am learning the difference between reacting and responding. this, my friends, is slow painful learning. i have learned how much of my life is tethered by a self I tend to so rarely. the one who is me. not the roles, the duties, the actions, the work. but this kateness, this one. this one who sits and writes and words come out like salty water of tears of joy and relief, face turned upwards toward whatever is out there, that connects with all and the everything, including all that is in here.

My real books just came.

My books, my real books just came. Not the proofs. Not proof #2 or #3 or #4.
Holy shit people, my book is on Amazon.

This, for me, is beyond huge. Getting this work out into the world feels crucial, and yet, getting it out into the world means telling my story out loud.
Funny thing about this: folks say YAY! what's your book about?
and I choke.
I am happy. I am sad. I am complicated and complex. This is a heart wrenching and yet cathartic and healing thing to do, to offer, to expose.

So. I am being gentle with myself, and hoping that the book finds its way into the hands that need it, and that my words, my journey, somehow offer solace to someone else.


***

A Field Guide to Grief: If you’ve lost your partner to suicide

Available now in paperback, or Kindle
by Kate Johnson
Link:http://amzn.com/1511433442

 

Losing a partner or spouse to suicide is shattering. This small book speaks directly to the survivor, starting from the beginning of the grief journey. Offering compassion and acknowledgment, survival tools and suggestions, these are kind and wise words from someone who’s been there.

 “if you have lost a partner to suicide, you will find a new friend named kate in these pages. out of the hard-won wisdom of her own loss, she offers you this field guide. a field guide, truly, as the pages feel like a field… breathable, open, + paradoxically peaceful. the rhythm of it all works beautifully between the ebb of uncluttered white space + flow of helpful words… a needed + good book for anyone walking through this heart-rending loss.” –rachel awes, psychologist, author, + art playgroundist rachelawes.com

“…a lovely resource for folks who are fresh into big pain. I’ll be happy to recommend this [book] to my clients.” –Dr. Martha Jo Atkins honors the deeply spiritual experience of death by providing compassionate witness to the dying, and support for healing transformation to the bereaved. marthaatkins.com

My note to you: This is a difficult book. A sad book. A real book informed by love and understanding that in grief, there is no time to sift through case studies and anecdotes. I get right down to the core. It is about acute grief and navigating the immediate experience of loss. It is about living with grief and living with loss and the loss of identity. It is about self protection and permission. It is about survival. My own experience was one of breath-by-breath choices, to keep moving forward, to not lose myself, to choose to heal and go on, over and over and over again. If you need this book, I am so sorry. But if you need this book, I am so glad you have found your way here,  and I hope beyond hope that my words offer you solace.

 

If you are not in grief and want to support me by buying a book, please do (and thank you!). Please consider donating it to an organization or individual who works with folks in acute grief. A funeral home, for example… I could have used this book the second day if not the first. Someone else may too.

what we want, what we are wanting

Hi Folks! I have a guest post up at Seek Your Course!
I'd love it if you'd pop over and check it out. It is an empowering meditation about wanting.
It is always a bit surreal to see my words packaged in such a polished fashion, but I also have to confess a bunch of sheepish pride.

falling, saving myself, great fits and starts

once I wrote that flying is just falling and saving yourself over and over again, and I thought i was pretty clever but, of course, a bazillion other clever people have seen it the same way

so here I am
falling, saving myself, falling, saving myself.

I realized that I was stressing myself out, being crazy busy, working as hard as I could, putting in the biggest effort possible-- more hours of daycare meant more time to work, more hours of daycare meant I needed to work more time... and clients come and go, projects come and go... and
finally, after working like that-- there came a moment when I realized if I cut back on everything, that really, the only thing that would be different is my stress level.
Financially we'd be no better or worse off, but my days would get unwound from the crazy insanity of go go go go go go that I've been running, to something maybe more manageable.

Then, in the middle of that, there is summer, and Doug being away, and serial Della sickness and barfinesses thanks to daycare that kept me/us from being able to go and see him, and finally
yes
stop.
rebuild.
slowly.

Along with this, a new client who is a great fit.
And, my own heartwork, developing it fits and starts, culminating in a workshop I gave yesterday on everyday mindfulness that 11 brave and wonderful women attended... I was absolutely where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing.
Right fit.

So, I am in a rebuilding and regrouping phase. Daycare is not an option for summer, and I need to just know that and plan for it if Doug is away.
Working like a crazy insane person to pay for daycare to come out even or behind is actually crazy and insane of the option for working like a slightly less crazy and insane person leaves me in the same position.

Lesson learned.
For now.
Because right now I am in the saving myself part of the program.

where I've been

I know I have been somewhat absent here comparatively speaking-- I've been "on assignment", posting daily over at heartwork. I've spilled a lot of content over there, things i would have said here about my grief stuff. I am consolidating, sort of, as I think the grief work I am doing is somehow tied in with the Workwork I am supposed to be doing.

These past few weeks have been chock filled with stressors-- I have been sick for several weeks, first with a nasty cold, then with a sinus infection that laid me out. Just finished the hallucinatory antibiotics last night and hope I am done. It was about 3 or 4 weeks start to finish.

I've also been working very hard at moving my own personal grief work forward, and well, I over did it.  Too many long trips in real time/space, too many long trips in memory space, and too many complications because of financial and emotional needs and those various conflicts, and well, shit.
Breaking point.

Two nights ago I had a panic attack, my first ever. And let me say this to all of you who have had them:
DAMN. I have never experienced anything like it, where I felt so hijacked for so long, so powerless, and so horrid.

Doug is now up in Maine for the summer, and we were to visit today. But daycare has a new barfing flu thingy going around, so I am staying home since I do not want to get sick there, on the way there, or on the way back or bring it to a summer camp (Opening day bonus gift!!! sick staff!, um, no).

So last night I slept some with the help of Rescue Remedy and a lot of safety nets in place.
I am totally exhausted, insanely so.
Will be home today with Della, praying that the barf gods pass us by.

Once safely on the other side of the barf zone, having flown over or slogged through, I think this will be a time of reconsidering- I cannot continue to ignore my stress signals, clearly, but am not sure how to give myself permission for better self care. I am a world-class-should-er and it is really hard to decide not to use such a well honed skill.

Just wanted to let you know where I've been.

3:3, percussive reset

Well then,
now where were we?

Ahh yes, percussive restart.
Barforama
Yes, it got me too. I thought I would *die* and I wish I were exaggerating.  Worse than labor, and kidney stones. I felt well and truly poisoned, and very very close to passing out many times.  But. Done with that and expecting a rapid recovery. Della is much better, although still off her food, and Doug, who was last to get it and had a different version, is tired as can be but is ok.
Somehow, we are ok.
Tired tired tired with no stamina, but ok.

But The Dread was exhausting and draining and the experience was intense and frightening,
and now, it is over and I feel nearly giddy
and would dance a bit, you know, if I could imagine lifting my feet off the ground. I'll jiggle and weave a bit now, sitting. It feels safer.

On a very plus note, after a few months of increasing discomfort and panic, culminating in a trip to see a new counsellor for some EMDR once I identified my triggers as triggers...I took action.
I made some hard choices as the year wrapped up about how I can best and realistically deal with my financial situation and feel relieved. I realize there might actually be a balance between what my brain knows sometimes and what my heart needs, and this time I feel I found it.

I also did some creative collecting this weekend-- a few opportunities to gather some images as fodder for my paintings.

It was fabulously foggy, with snow, and wet bark, and mmmmmmmmmmm
texture of corn fields, and dried weeds.

yes, I know I am nutty, but this stuff actually feeds me.

And for once? I allowed myself to be fed, to take the time to notice, take it in, and actually grab a few snapshots so I can evoke some of the same mmmmm in the future.

So-- yes, barfing and decluttering and trying to find some balance, and choosing pretty carefully (in this moment) what to put back in.

I really missed my campfire gathering, but felt I made progress this weekend finding my way back to what I know.

Hard to realize just how easy it is to lose sight of things that work when things aren't working.

language spigot

"Tammy and Mason are coming to play tonight".

Suddenly, sentences.
Earnest, whole, and wow.

We've had a few before ("this one is momma's pillow"), and loads of fragments... but it is as if some language spigot was turned on and whoa baby, SENTENCES!

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of abbreviated communications: "Nurse, Ferb, TV" (she wants to nurse while watching Phineas and Ferb on the TV)

But the ratio suddenly shifted radically.

Coolest.thing.ever.

***
Hey, there's a Free Campfire Weekend coming up over on Heartwork January 11-13!
If you haven't stopped by that blog for a while, I'd love it if you'd check it out-- my new design makes me happy and I'm having some fun over there. Today's post celebrates small changes.

Scrambly

Sometimes treading water looks like you aren't going anywhere, because, well, you aren't. And the not going anywhere can very easily look like not very much... can seem like lack of progress, lack of effort, lack of busy-ness and productivity.  But there is a lot of scrambling motion under the surface keeping you from drowning, and boy howdy, that sure counts.

Inside, I am feeling all sorts of scrambly.

There's a lot of motion under the surface. A lot of inner work, adjustments, re-realizations, some discomfort, a new cold, many projects, not quite enough time, and no where near enough down time.

There is no down time.
I need to figure out how to figure that out. How to allow for it.  Make space for it. Fill the space with down time that feels like down time. I am working against myself at the moment, filling filling filling. Running out of time feels like a daily deal.

Even my dreams have been frenetic and over-filled. I wake puzzled by the flood of images, quests, seeking, complexity and nonsense of them and their too muchness.

Today I am trying to get some things off my list.  Some of the too much.  Some of the weight of unfinished business.  I am trying to avoid avoidance. Do stuff that has been dangling and lingering.  Just hit send, just hit publish.  Just put it out there, not waiting until or unless, but just trying to get things done *enough*, enough for now.

One of my new updates today is to my heartwork creativity blog.  Please feel free to check it out.
Note the new tab for consulting.
Note the new tab for coaching.
Note the coaching is currently FREE for an email exchange.  Interested? Contact me!

Back to my scramblings and do-ings, just have really missed being here.
Really.
Really, really.

An invitation

I want to invite you all to join me on March 23,24 and 25th for a completely free virtual weekend retreat. Wherever you may be, let’s join psychic forces and share the intention to move one of our creative projects (or more!) closer to completion.  

Most of us have a backlog of unfinished business.

Most of us have creative projects, not quite abandoned, but left in some intermediate point between the sweet intensity of the beginning of a creative endeavor and the equally sweet but often loaded end.

Some projects may be close to being done but we just have not been able to do that last thing… or we have hesitated to call it “done” so we can move on. Having the project remain open and unfinished is often important to us.

Maybe over the course of the weekend we can finish something, wrap it up, release it…. or maybe we can move one of our projects closer to completion… or maybe the most we can do with the time available is to make an honest assessment about what it will take to bring one of our projects to some sort of closure…

And let’s take advantage of  the moment and the shared experience to expand this to a more general atmosphere of assessment and release: What habits of thought or work habits or avoidance habits are no longer serving us? What can we let go of so we can more forward with a little less weight?

The retreat will open with a virtual campfire friday night the 23rd with a video greeting from me (view it anytime!)– and throughout the weekend I’ll be posting several videos and short entries to support the difficult but rewarding work of finishing and letting go.

The hope is that no matter where you are, no matter what your time zone, or family situation, or amount of energy or time, we can join together with the shared intention of addressing challenges in our creative lives with whatever time we have- 5 minutes, fine! a whole day? magnificent!

Even if you have just a few minutes to join in, stop by at my heartwork site or at that place we go for a little support and community building (please share comments!)– I’ll be trying something new this time and I’ll be cross posting in both locations.

Know someone who might be interested? Please pass it on! The invitation is open!

0, Week 40 (wow)

I posted a free mini journaling exercise over at heartwork yesterday- yup, FREE. Go take a look if you've been interested in checking it out. It's about fear.

My night wakings had lots of pressure, some new back sensations, and much big peeing (yay--worth getting up for)- and this morning I slept in. Dreamed almost solely of work... and now I am still so tired and it is still so soft and dark outside I may try to sleep a little longer and perhaps dream of something else (please dreamgods).

Week 40, just like that.

I cannot believe it, would not have bet this little one would have waited, and here we are- amazing.

28 weeks

28 weeks.

And this little one is not so little anymore

all elbows and knees

turning just below the surface like a whale, long slow rolls...

then the next moment, bracing feet on hipbone, it reaches up, across on a diagonal to push hard enough so I am shifting, moving, adjusting. Most of the action is in my upper right quadrant-- getting kicked or thrashed somehow right now enough to make my belly jump, quick,sharp... my belly button is now buck toothed and angled so I can see into it, which is the oddest thing ever. We are not familiar, my belly button and I. It has always been an inny and super sensitive so I've left it alone. And the only way I'll know if I have stretch marks is to look in the mirror. There is no way to see the underside of The Belly otherwise.

Spent the morning doing work work and then saw my mom for a great visit (how lucky I am)-- a hot day but the air kept moving.

And now home and trying to orient myself- feeling pulled to do Work and wanting more than anything to do heartwork instead- but I wonder if I'll let myself. I need to get ready for next friday's kickoff of the next workshop (one more day in the giveaway if you've been on the fence-- just comment on heartwork by tomorrow evening!)

I'm in need of technical assistance-- anyone know how I can add a forum to wordpress? I've found some info, but am open to any help you can offer. I don't have the time I want (or the fast internet connection I need) to explore and iterate.

Momentary rain, now a cool breeze.

bliss.

rain

The cat is licking rain from the screen door

rain that came down hard and fast, washing gravel onto the roads, the dirt from my car, petals from the dry coneflower onto ground so parched with thirst it is not dirt but dust...

Finally rain.

What we need is a 6 hour soaker- rain that comes and falls and stays, not floods and hammers, but I'll take it.

The little one woke early, had an hour of wild thumping that made me laugh even though it was dark out and I wanted to be sleeping more than almost anything

almost anything except to spend an hour lying with my hand on my belly, watching and feeling this wild animal rollicking around just under the surface. What is it thinking? Does it realize it has very little time to stretch before it gets so jam crammed in there that this sort of acrobatic kinesthetic frenzy won't be possible?

It is my friday night, my beginning, my doorway into a creative evening and friday... I'll be posting a new post up at heartwork shortly, announcing a giveaway for next week's journaling workshop.

Please stop by for the beautiful images if nothing else-- I love finding photos I love, and I love getting permission to use them! I've found that image seeking is one of the things I like best.

evolution

Here I am, midweek through week 25, and I cannot quite believe it.

I am starting to catch myself thinking "baby" more and more often, and imagining what may come next. I get in my car with my tiny little bag and my keys, and imagine, soon, I will have a baby and baby bag, baby carrier, breast pads, maxi pads, STUFF....

I travel light (no, not my own personal baggage, that takes a caravan) but in my daily life, I don't carry much around with me that is visible-- a wallet, chapstick, keys, cell phone. Even anticipating this change in "stuff", this change in what I'll be carrying is an odd thing-- it is making this whole (holy crap) "baby" thing more tangible, more possible, more real...

I have this dreamy bed, I bought it when I moved into this wonderful little funky house with no furniture except a love seat-- the first thing I did was I splurged and got a really good mattress. It is the kind of thing that usually nearly moves me to tears with its perfection. I sink in, and feel totally comfortable, a truly magical, blissful bed. But now, I look at it as a necessary evil.My whole pelvic everything feels broken when I am lying down. I am better sitting, standing... The best part of the bed right now is that I sink enough so that my belly is supported without having to stick any additional pillows under it, so that's good. And apparently I've learned to sleep for several hours without moving a muscle-- I wake stiff but the stillness keeps the pelvic pain at a minimum. So, sleep is still sucking, dreams are odd and mostly filled with weirdness and sadness and work.

I miss the love affair with the bed, I really do.

Can we talk about the toe cramps? Any toe will do. Always at night. Often over and over.

And the calf cramps?

And oh the bloody horror of my gums?

All temporary, I know. I experience all of this with wonder-- experience it all as being hijacked by some other force that is taking over all my knowns and shaking me up a bit, here and there, this and that, letting me know that CHANGE IS HAPPENING.

holy shit, yes it is.

***

So-- one word on the workshop: bliss.

It was wonderful. Better than I could have hoped for. More rewarding, more hard work, more intense, more of a feast for the writing kate, the thinking kate, the feeling kate... how cool to feel so many of my pieces and parts working in concert.

I had to let go of expectations (not easy for me, oh, not easy at all), and compromise (ooooh another toughie)-- but it still worked out even if the path I ended up on was not the one I expected.

HEAR THAT SELF? IT STILL WORKED OUT EVEN IF THE PATH I ENDED UP ON WAS NOT THE ONE I EXPECTED.

amen.

24 weeks, HURRAH!

24 weeks!

and a katebelly picture. My mom took this of me today - it was dang hot so I am wearing very little but a big-ole-grin. Those are not my real boobs, they are my impostor boobs. They feel fake mostly, except the ouch factor. Otherwise they are entirely unlike my usual ones.

I want to thank you all of your outrage and up-welling of support for me in the job situation. And thank you sweet new commenters as well as older friends. this does, indeed, suck rocks. And, I do have an update for you and for those of you eager for me to sue, I have some bad news: I do not have a leg to stand on. I reviewed the laws and rules today (thanks to sprogblogger) and in each one there is a loophole my boss can legitimately drive a tank through--something called business necessity. In this economy, with this difficult time financially, we are being financed by him at this moment and not our customers (we are a very very small company so this is possible)- he is personally bankrolling our pay and hoping for improvement. As such, honestly, this can be seen as an obvious business necessity-- both the pay cut and the impending job loss.

And, even if I did feel I had footing to lodge a complaint (which I don't), my friends work there.

And I have to work there until I am either asked to leave or have somewhere to go and have no desire to make things harder/more awkward between now and then. (Did I mention how small the company is? 10 of us, 2 of us with reduced hours, one remote staff member just laid off, and me, notified my job is ending in January)

So yes, it feels unfair, it feels like I've been singled out for a worldclass screwing, but .... if I step back, yes, I have been screwed, but others have been screwed too. I also see that there are no good options at the moment.

In light of my personality and my desire to make-the-best-of-it-between-freakouts, this weekend I read a career book and have spent probably 20 hours job searching, researching and networking. (Anyone out there doing management/organizational consulting for technology companies that needs a creative and intuitive person on staff who has a technical background? Drop me a line! I am very good at what I do which is translate between different kinds of engineers, management, real life workerbees, clarify goals and issues, create and propose solutions, and foster mutual understanding for organizational and individual benefit). (PS I promise I have professional work clothes too).

I have whittled a bunch of things out from my initial go-to list of assumptions and expectations-- as a result of all of this work, I realized just how much I've changed and just how much the parts of me that values connection and creativity want to come out and play. And I realized just how much I want to care about what I do. I mean really care.

So- I'm working on it.

I have an on-line writing workshop coming up next weekend over at heartwork (still time to sign up!)-- I am very excited about it! But I find I am also wrestling a bit with performance anxiety. Breathe kate, all will be well. This is not vascular surgery. This is journaling. This I know.

So tonight as I celebrate 24 weeks with the biggest exhale ever, I am sitting on my stoop, sunlight filtering sideways through the trees. My garden perked up a bit from yesterday's rain. Oh! this morning? First light caught a million tiny raindrops that were tucked up high in the trees, and all was sparkle and delight.

There is so much beauty.

Please please universe, don't let me lose touch with this.

peachy

Hello folks!

I invite you to stop by my other blog, heartwork, starting tomorrow afternoon for a chance at a giveaway-- a few free passes to Beginning: the journaling e-workshop I hope to be running the weekend of the 16th. Come by and comment, and I'll be either giving the free passes to all of you (if there's 3) or three of you if there's more.

Of course, if you are already blogging, you have this journaling thing down. But.... if you're interested, please stop by.

******

On a baby note, we had a great ultrasound on tuesday- baby looks perfect, and, get this, the placenta has moved a little!... so, we'll look again in a month.

The doctor I saw is one of the ones I like most, a little more cautious, a little more informative, a little less kneejerk sunshine and roses. But he was really positive, not necessarily about the placenta about which he was cautious, but in general. My contractions (blessedly) have still maintained their slower pace (Baby Steps, I hope yours have too! And I hope you are finally past 24 weeks!)

I am tired though, deeply-- but that also has to do with life stuff. My boss told me this week that not only did he decide to cut my benefits (after saying he wouldn't) but also that my job will not be there for me when my "maternity leave" is over come January-- basically I'll be using up all of my accrued vacation and then... no job and no safety net. (He said I was always welcome part time but then would categorically not specify what part time meant). It was a shitty conversation. So I am scrambling, panicked, trying not to be or feel or, more importantly, act desperate.

I'm working my network slowly, starting with folks who know me best. Trying to use enthusiasm or interest as a barometer for what jobs to seek.

I'd just like to say how much I hate this confluence of emotionally charged events-- this wondrous miraculous pregnancy, and this shitty work situation. I am feeling really overwhelmed, like I'd like to be able to step aside from the job issue for now, but now I can't. I had been trying to do just that, I'd decided to deal with the 4 days and pay cut and figure it out later. But now, I have three months to get something ready for "after" (or sooner) if at all possible.

So, this week? Blessed beautiful baby news, and work shite. And tiredkate.

But tomorrow, friday, is My day. I have two appointments and much to do, but it will be at my pace.

Tonight once I got home, I sat out on the stoop and looked at the glorious garden-- I garden like this: there is a sparse area, I find a hearty perennial I like, plant it, water it once or twice, and then... it becomes part of the garden if it so chooses. The garden is surprisingly lush considering my hand's off approach, and tonight, as the sun set, big fat bumble bees were bumbling around the huge mound of catmint, and I have coneflower in bloom already (not usually until August!), and everything just looks so great. Yes, there is a sparse area that needs attention sometime, but that will have to wait. I chose to focus my attention elsewhere.

The cat has spent the evening at the front window yowling piteously for a neighbor cat that sometimes braves our big woods to come and visit.

And the windows are all open, fans are on, air is moving

and I have the taste of fresh peach in my mouth from one I thought I needed to put in the compost, and just at the last minute decided to bite in and see how bad it was--

totally

astonishingly

quintessentially

lusciously

peachy.

the slow reveal

So I think I've got the whole pelvic pain thing figured out-- parsed into 3 distinct categories:

• tendons/ligaments/connective tissue that are all just pissed off royally
• a sebaceous cyst - hurrah
• and a very very low baby+previa = massive pressure low

Yes, I called the doc, and yes I asked to be seen and no they didn't because they are truly unalarmed. Due to the baby position, the pressure I am feeling is not worrisome to them since it is totally expected from their perspective- and as long as there are no contractions, bleeding, seeping, or other misbehaviors, all is well. The doc I spoke with is the one who saw my ultrasound last week and is confident.

Me? I am not so confident, still worried, but I feel as if I can stand down from the worry a little, but not the vigilance (constant vigilance!) as if somehow by paying attention I can save myself.

Speaking of saving myself, please note my nifty new button click through thingy upper right taking you to my heartwork site. It is under construction (and conceptualization) but in want of readers-- it is an offshoot of my usual stuff, you're sure to recognize my voice there, just not much talk of pregnancy, crotch tendons, or IF stuff. I am hoping to use that space to focus on the broader act of creativity, being in the world, and things that bring me joy or move me in a direction of positivity.

You may see some echoes of things I have posted here--

Please check it out.

I hate wordpress but a friend says he will help with customization. If the site moves, I'll change the link with the button.

I wanted to wait until there was *more*, have a big reveal, but really? Life is a slow reveal, a fan dance anyway, so there you go.

I have just two posts up, and one skeletal page for an e-workshop in the works. Feedback is more than welcome-- please please please.

I came apart at work today, cried hard, and took some time to put my pieces back in the same bag-- I do not feel together but I feel gathered. It is a fine start. See, the thing about grief, no matter what kind, is that it bubbles and seethes, it does not just leave cleanly. And while I am good at coping, great at denial and diversion and redirection, I am mortal. My professional facade cracked. Sadness flooded faster than I could staunch the flow. I left work, drove home, cried enough, and then met a friend for dinner. See? I say to myself, see? I'm ok. And with the lump in my throat down to the size of a onion set, I can believe it to be true.

No, actually, I know it to be true. I can feel like shit and be ok and have both be true. I have enough room.

new things

Thursday afternoon I left work when my hours were up, which felt so odd and off. I felt so sad leaving, not like WHOO HOO but dang.

I'd been feeling some odd low pressure all day. Finally called the doc who instructed me to drink lots of water and lie on my left side-- so I did, and I took it easy physically yesterday and tried to drink more, but I still feel off-- thankfully no contractions, no bleeding or increased discharge, just an odd low heaviness and a feeling like all of my low down muscles and tendons are vaguely to moderately pissed off. So I am basically forcing liquids, doing kegels (all this pressure down makes me want to do everything I can to pull everything back up)-- and just trying to take it easy. When I move, (stand/walk) everything feels more off.

Yesterday was my first work-for-myself friday and I headed "downtown" to revel in high speed wifi to get my Linkedin summary written and posted, and then to work on my new website. But after writing the summary, I realized I could not connect, so home again to upload (better slow than none) and then do website work. I hate wordpress. I'm just sayin'. I am pretty sure they could make it less user friendly by, say, requiring me to use unix (grep, I say, grep). So, anyway, in some ways it is good to go slowly since my brain has time to multitask-- what do I want of this new endeavor? how do I present it and to whom?

So after some thinking, I bought 3 months of sponsorship on BohoGirl's blog starting in July (see? must have something ready to share with the world by then!)-- and worked on my button:

And also worked on my much-less-fun header, and tried to understand what I can and cannot do with the site. I have a friend who will help me for real, but I wanted a placeholder... so...

so it was a very productive day in the directions of workwork and heart-work, and I feel good about that.

But it was so dang odd.

I drove up north today, up early early, to donate my left over medications to my old clinic. I met with my sweet nurse, Sharon, and we had a great visit. When last she and I were in touch I wanted to cycle just one more time and she was the one to tell me they wouldn't. And it took a long time for my wounds to heal enough to be in touch...time and the fine distraction that is success.

Today is all gentle rain and low raggedy clouds, the woods are so green and lush with new growth (every single tiny ending of every single branchlet on every hemlock is bright green with an inch or two of new needles)-- it is so lovely.

Feet up

Cat on my shins,

computer on my lap

the little one is wiggling and poking

Week 20 tomorrow, halfway-- a simply astonishing fact.

...time to get back to work.

heartwork

Yup, that's the logo I came up with for my new adventure, and I must say I am pretty psyched. Spent some time last night getting notes together, gathering the ideas that have been flying around inside my head, starting to think about a place-holder website-- this new project feels good. Feels like heart work. Stay tuned for more.

Week 19 starts today, can you believe it? We have the big ultrasound tomorrow (anatomy)-- again, I hope we do not find out the gender but I know it could happen. I am trying to be ok with knowing. So odd-- I am usually much better knowing than not, but in this case? I wanted to keep it mysterious for a while longer, until, say, late October.

Movements have been so much fun, so magical. By far the best part of this whole journey up until now (since the positive tests which still win).

I've gained 5 lbs, and am very happy to have no chance at all of holding in my stomach, and no way to worry about belly fat or whatever-- my body is doing what it needs to to accommodate for this amazing being, and I am humbled by the entire experience. I watch my body change with a mixture of awe and trepidation-- good lord, how big will I get? holy crap, I am already big. Big enough so people are surprised when I tell them I am due in October.And, like most women, I worry about stretch marks. But I also know that what will be will be.

I am both vain and zen. More vain, admittedly, but a wee bit zen.

Sleep is intermittent, so I am AWAKE at 4am and tired to the bone at 7...

My back aches sometimes, but nothing horrible.

I am stiff when I move after some time of stillness.

I just made plans to visit my dad in Denver for a brief weekend in early July- very very happy about this, and I planned a trip with stops so I can get up and walk.

No other complaints at all-I am so very lucky.

A lot of stuff is weird, unfamiliar, odd, but all very dealable.

Tomorrow too is The Conversation at work- boss+office manager (HR person)+me.

I dread it, and am trying to figure out how to go in with my emotional guard up and firmly in place.

Just found out we need a new roof. And the realtor today confirmed what I suspected- that the house, in this economic situation, is worth considerably less than I owe. I love the house and do not want to leave it, and now-- knowing that our only option is a short sale, well, we'll do all we can to keep it.

Rental would cover less than half of the mortgage so that is not an option either.

Looking ahead to all of the good things, and trying very hard not to get discouraged by the tough stuff right now. Sometimes, sometimes I succeed.