falling, saving myself, great fits and starts

once I wrote that flying is just falling and saving yourself over and over again, and I thought i was pretty clever but, of course, a bazillion other clever people have seen it the same way

so here I am
falling, saving myself, falling, saving myself.

I realized that I was stressing myself out, being crazy busy, working as hard as I could, putting in the biggest effort possible-- more hours of daycare meant more time to work, more hours of daycare meant I needed to work more time... and clients come and go, projects come and go... and
finally, after working like that-- there came a moment when I realized if I cut back on everything, that really, the only thing that would be different is my stress level.
Financially we'd be no better or worse off, but my days would get unwound from the crazy insanity of go go go go go go that I've been running, to something maybe more manageable.

Then, in the middle of that, there is summer, and Doug being away, and serial Della sickness and barfinesses thanks to daycare that kept me/us from being able to go and see him, and finally
yes
stop.
rebuild.
slowly.

Along with this, a new client who is a great fit.
And, my own heartwork, developing it fits and starts, culminating in a workshop I gave yesterday on everyday mindfulness that 11 brave and wonderful women attended... I was absolutely where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing.
Right fit.

So, I am in a rebuilding and regrouping phase. Daycare is not an option for summer, and I need to just know that and plan for it if Doug is away.
Working like a crazy insane person to pay for daycare to come out even or behind is actually crazy and insane of the option for working like a slightly less crazy and insane person leaves me in the same position.

Lesson learned.
For now.
Because right now I am in the saving myself part of the program.

thanks dooce. I needed that.

Ok. besides being behind in my own writing...  I am more than a bit behind satisfying my online addictions of reading about other people's lives.
And when I do get online in stolen moments and I've sent comments that mysteriously disappear or send mid sentence, keep tabs open indefinitely waiting and wanting to comment and just never actually doing it, then the system crashes, and so does my mind, and there we are.

But yesterday, a momentary foray in the world of dooce, brought me to the singularly most hysterical quote about parenting I have ever read.
Resonating, no doubt, with this mother of a 2 and a half year old wildly spirited multi personality-ed spit fire of a holy moly how can That big a Soul fit in that body???

And today, laughing again just thinking about it (the quote), I spent 10 minutes finding it again to share with you.

Without further ado I give you:

"
Whoever invented parenting is the same type of fucker who would hand you a whisk and a stapler and demand, “Make fire.”
"
Excerpted with gratitude from http://dooce.com/2013/01/22/her-name/

Copyright © 2013 Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved.

 
http://dooce.com/

100 breaths, micro meditation

Hello loves,
I recently posted this over at Heartwork, but realized we could ALL use a bit of relief, so I am cross posting it here.  I am using it every day. Sometimes only for a breath or two, but sometimes for longer, and it really does help.

There are downloadables at the bottom.

100 Breaths: Experience the power of micro-meditation

Meditation can seem mystifying and mystical…  The benefits unattainable or something that can only be attained after years of practice and patience and… well…real life (for many of us) does not include easy access to that sort of space and time.

In the same way as nearly almost any other thing worth doing (even loving and allowing ourselves to be loved), practice does indeed help. But here’s a secret: hardcore intense practice is not necessary for you to experience some very real benefits of meditation. You can do it right now. No kidding.

Ready? Don’t overthink this, just give it a go- no preparation is required.

Simply watch your next breath come in and release.

Don’t try to change your breath, or force it, or hold it, or prolong it or even examine it. Just witness it. One breath, in and out.

Try witnessing two breaths. Breathe in. Then Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Just witness, don’t change anything except your attention.

Things that help:  Closing my eyes often helps me focus, but I just as often practice this with my eyes wide open.

For some of you, it may help to listen or hear yourself count (“1”, “2”, or say “inhale, exhale”). For some of you it will help to watch each number float in during the inhale, and float away during the exhale. For some, feeling your way around a string of beads or knots will help.

Mind wandering? Getting lost? If you lose track, don’t panic. Just begin again at some number near where you think you left off to go wandering.

I find that I often exhale, yawn, or sigh around breath #9.

When I find my mind has wandered off (and it always does), I just bring it back to witnessing my breath, choose a number close to where I think I wandered off… and just simply come back to counting.

A gentle invitation: Today (right now?), start with one breath or two. See if you feel some unraveling, some release, or maybe a moment of unexpected quiet.

Next time, try witnessing ten breaths.

Each time you return to this practice, add a few more breaths—maybe 5 or 10… By the time you reach 100 breaths? Congratulations! You will be doing 10-15 minutes of mystification-free meditation.

Here's a link to a downloadable version of the piece.

And here is a link to an audio file.

 

copyright 2013, Kate Johnson

www.kate-johnson.com

I-me

Flurries today, little snowflakes flying in all directions, sunshine one moment, clouds the next... but it is warmer all of a sudden, and there is just the faintest breath of wind.

I feel like I have my feet more underneath me today- feel more gathered up than broken down.

I know so many of us have written about this, how new grief so often brings up old grief, and sadness begets sadness. It is easy to get lost in it. Undertow.

Instead of resisting this time, or pathologically searching around for pockets of unhealed hurt to poke, I just leaned into it with compassion, yes, I said, yes, I know, I know. This *does* suck. That did suck. There is pain and there was pain.

And for once, the knots loosened instead of tightening.

I am an avoider of pain. I hate pain. I know, most of us are.
I am an avoider of things I do not want to be true.
I have no peace with the fact of loss. Except, maybe, this time. This time there was something to feel peaceful about, a bigger loving over arching something that said, no more suffering.
And this is as true as I can know it to be.

***

Now I want to write about Della for a moment, how she refers to herself as I-me.

I-me
I-me do it.

Covers a lot of bases.

She is into big time possession mode-- things are hers, not to be shared, and sadly missed when gone. These things include things at daycare so it is more than awkward.

She is dreaming now, and tells us her dreams sometimes.

When she wakes, she often says things about the previous day as if we are in mid-conversation.

Yes, we are still co sleeping.

Yes we are still nursing. Weaning will happen when we're ready, or when one of us is. And right now, we just aren't.

She is magnificent.  She is fierce and determined and funny and bossy and tender.
Nice boots mom!
Good job dad!
She pats me and my heart melts.

I cannot believe her immensity ever wasn't here, being, visible.

Today in my new groundedness, I am able to look up and see the snow falling down, in no way linear, back and forth, crisscrossing, meandering, no rush....
and am trying very hard to imagine embodying that kind of non-effort, even for a little while.

a moment of quiet

3:3, percussive reset

Well then,
now where were we?

Ahh yes, percussive restart.
Barforama
Yes, it got me too. I thought I would *die* and I wish I were exaggerating.  Worse than labor, and kidney stones. I felt well and truly poisoned, and very very close to passing out many times.  But. Done with that and expecting a rapid recovery. Della is much better, although still off her food, and Doug, who was last to get it and had a different version, is tired as can be but is ok.
Somehow, we are ok.
Tired tired tired with no stamina, but ok.

But The Dread was exhausting and draining and the experience was intense and frightening,
and now, it is over and I feel nearly giddy
and would dance a bit, you know, if I could imagine lifting my feet off the ground. I'll jiggle and weave a bit now, sitting. It feels safer.

On a very plus note, after a few months of increasing discomfort and panic, culminating in a trip to see a new counsellor for some EMDR once I identified my triggers as triggers...I took action.
I made some hard choices as the year wrapped up about how I can best and realistically deal with my financial situation and feel relieved. I realize there might actually be a balance between what my brain knows sometimes and what my heart needs, and this time I feel I found it.

I also did some creative collecting this weekend-- a few opportunities to gather some images as fodder for my paintings.

It was fabulously foggy, with snow, and wet bark, and mmmmmmmmmmm
texture of corn fields, and dried weeds.

yes, I know I am nutty, but this stuff actually feeds me.

And for once? I allowed myself to be fed, to take the time to notice, take it in, and actually grab a few snapshots so I can evoke some of the same mmmmm in the future.

So-- yes, barfing and decluttering and trying to find some balance, and choosing pretty carefully (in this moment) what to put back in.

I really missed my campfire gathering, but felt I made progress this weekend finding my way back to what I know.

Hard to realize just how easy it is to lose sight of things that work when things aren't working.

language spigot

"Tammy and Mason are coming to play tonight".

Suddenly, sentences.
Earnest, whole, and wow.

We've had a few before ("this one is momma's pillow"), and loads of fragments... but it is as if some language spigot was turned on and whoa baby, SENTENCES!

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of abbreviated communications: "Nurse, Ferb, TV" (she wants to nurse while watching Phineas and Ferb on the TV)

But the ratio suddenly shifted radically.

Coolest.thing.ever.

***
Hey, there's a Free Campfire Weekend coming up over on Heartwork January 11-13!
If you haven't stopped by that blog for a while, I'd love it if you'd check it out-- my new design makes me happy and I'm having some fun over there. Today's post celebrates small changes.

Della at 2

Blog-to-book, save 10%

Want to make your blog into a book?

I am sure there are some platforms that will work better than others (it looks, in fact, like it is a blogger-only-thing), but, here's an opportunity to save some money if you'd like to give it a try.

I am not an affiliate, and I have not done it myself, so this is just FYI.

I got their permission to post this here because I think so many of us pour our hearts out in the blog world, and it is worth considering capturing that content in some other form for posterity.

The process is super easy and you can preview before ordering, so there is no downside in checking this out.

Link to create book!

cow-baby

Della's third bottom tooth erupted yesterday, along with two big developmental steps--Della spent the day rather suddenly pulling up one handed and then shocked us by walking with daddy while he held only one of her hands.

We went to the fair, met pigs, chickens, ducks, bunnies, cows, horses and a seriously cute mini burro. Della also met fried dough. YUM.

Before I forget, there are so many things I want to say-- things that have helped, things that didn't...

Aveeno unscented diaper cream. Thick, unscented totally.... works. UNSCENTED> Hurrah!

Pampers sensitive swaddlers.... no disney characters, and they work *fine*. I get mine via Amazon Mom and have a subscription. I wanted to choose differently for the earth, but this is what is working for us right now and we can't (I can't) afford trial and error.

For me-- all breast pads suck. I finally got pull over sleep bras from Medela, 20 bucks each, and wear them with bamboo or cotton breast pads that look like I've stuffed pancakes in my bra. For work I wear a more structured bra that does not show the pads, and I simply remove the whole thing to pump using a pumping bra (fembot).

At night, I leak like mad, sometimes sleep bra-free just to have less to deal with but nearly always regret the sopping dripping wetness of it all.

Baby stuff we bought and wasted money on: mechanical swing, she just did not take to it. Maybe the crib? we'll see. it was cheap and maybe it will get use. I hope so.

Soft toys. MOMMA like soft toys. DELLA likes things that rattle, crinkle, make music, noise....

Clothes: she is now in shirts and pants, all cotton jersey or soy (sales on diaper.com!).... no onesies. She is robust not lanky so this is working best for us right now. Barefeet rule. Her first real shoes arrived today via Zappos amazing overnight delivery. Soft soled and I will let daycare decide when they want them on her. For now, i want her barefoot as often as possible for kinesthetic feedback, balance and walking.

Kate stuff: the in between body has been a very interesting journey and no doubt will continue to be pretty amazingly weird. I am trying not to buy things for this in between place but have needed bras (got cheap ones from hanes at walmart that work fine), needed pants for work (kohl's dockers), and am simply going to go with t shirts/tanks and cardigans for the foreseeable future. Things that fit and are comfortable are really important to me. My goal is to be unconscious of what I am wearing-- somehow achieve comfort+ appropriateness.

I was wearing maternity T shirts to cover/disguise The Belly but they are now way too big and just look bad. Shirts are still a problem for me.

I hoarded one pair of maternity pants, white jeans I love, but now the waist band feels thick and weird (which it should). But I cannot quite part with them yet.

I moved a button on a pair of jeans. This felt like progress. My weight is pre-preg but my shape is something very foreign.

Motherhood has given me everchanging breasts, but still no butt. Alas.

I wash my hair every two or three days, have it up in a barette most of the time. Floss every few days. I try to shower each day, even if it just is a rinse, and try to shave since apparently that is what sets me apart from the animals. That and cover-up.

I totally see how easy it would be to give in, give up. Stretchy pants, slept in shirts.. I walked today in my sleep outfit. But when I got home I made myself change. I think FOR ME it is important to feel as if I am "ready", which, when possible means clean teeth, deoderant, and fresh undies. When possible, it also means clothes I don't mind being seen in.

Now that I am in an apartment, folks just come to the door. Odd to be sprawled post nursing with a sleeping baby and have someone just suddenly be there. Not my favorite thing.

Pumping: I bought a medela pump on super sale but god damn it was expensive...and I still use it. I am glad I spent the money on it even though it and I are not friends. I bought a hand pump as a backup and had to use it once and I hated it completely. I have decided for sanity to pump only once a day--feed before and immediately upon returning home. I read or do work on a mini laptop while pumping. I pump in a bathroom (I did in my last job too) and it just rots. Reading/working helps a lot. Also Lynda.com is amazing for on-line learning for 25$/month unlimited access to training videos for SW and a lot of great documentaries that I hope to watch someday.

Feeding: We are still using the small medela bottles and slow flow nipples. I have med flow to try this week maybe. I will be mixing breast milk with formula, thank you What IF for the affirming suggestion! Della does not drink more than 4 oz per feeding since she is really about solids too--so we've never needed bigger bottles. I keep seeing babies drinking from them and worried (over and over) that maybe I am doing something wrong. A 22lb baby says things are fine.

New in-between car seat comes this week. I'll let you know if I like it at all once it is here. I interviewed many in real life at babys r us and gosh darn, do they HAVE to be so hard?

I am pretty sure this will not solve Della's hatred of being in the car. But it will solve the "she is too big for her baby bucket" problem if it works out.

I still have multifaceted envy but will write more about this in a different post. I met someone's newborn yesterday and felt that twinge, you know the one... and I thought goddamn it! Really? Still?

Apparently, yes. Still. Damn it.

home base

How bizarre! this post just evaporated.

So this time, no preamble, just a gift from Laura to me, from me to you:

Monday greetings!

"All that is gold does not glitter,

not all those who wander are lost;

the old that is strong does not wither,

deep roots are not reached by the frost."

(J.R.R. Tolkien)

In other words:

So many of us are less confident on the inside than we might appear

on the outside, so despite what you see, remember...you're not alone.

Just because you're not exactly sure where your headed

doesn't mean you're not on the right path. Faith, trust, and short powerful steps rock!

Tending your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical strength is the best offense...

Because when you do, no matter what life throws at you,

you might wobble, but you will not fall down!

This week, Kate, your Life Leadership challenges are as follows: stay focused on home base (aka, you). If you feel lost, focus on what you do know, and ask for the next right step. It willalways lead you in the right direction, and there will always be another next right step just beyond that one, but you may not be able to see it yet! And always, always choose what will contribute to your inner and outer fortitude, and exercise those things every day, with every choice.

Wishing you focus, trust, strength and resilience this week!

Laura

Laura Neff, CPCC, PCC

www.LifeLeadershipCentral.com

Laura@LifeLeadershipCentral.com
704.237.0782

1400 Oakdale Road, Charlotte, NC 28216, USA

dragon slaying

So I got this new software: Dragon dictate (for mac, it is dragon naturally speaking for the PC)- and it rocks. Truly. I cannot say enough good about it unless it were free. I've had one real session using it (training then playing) and was totally impressed. I promise to do a post using it soon so you can see how well it does with my babble.

But here's the story...I was playing with it after the initial training, as I mentioned, and the baby started crying. The super sensitive microphone on the headset (included, huzzah!) picked up her crying from all the way in the other room (granted, the place is small, ceilings are high, and doors are few).. and the sw started writing and and and every time she cried.

Totally cute.

On a sort of separate note, I've been thinking a little more about what it means to be a mom to a fussy baby, especially after spending time with Sprogblogger and her lovely Henry. I think we all just do what we need to, you know? This is my normal. Della is her own self, and emerged that way. And since I have no prior experience, this is it for me, this is what parenting is. I watch an easier baby like Henry with fascination, since he is more budda-like than my little one. Della has a 20 minute attention span when all is well, cries often when frustrated or bored or over stimulated... we have the shitty belly issues (literally and figuratively), but this just IS.

I am thinking of Sarah of Dreams and False Alarms, her two little tiny babies. Her time in NICU, that is what parenting is for her.

I am thinking about all of us with all of our realities, isn't this always true?

My mom said that having two babies (two years apart) was not much of a leg up either since my sister and I were so different. And I imagine that was true.

This week I thanked her for faking it-- for acting as if she knew what she was doing-- I told her I never knew until now that she was making it up every moment.

Della is asleep (!) and I need to get ready for bed.

But you know? this whole life thing, aren't we are just all making it up as best we can as we go along?

brown sugar and cinnamon

28 days since Della was born.

how is that possible?

I write a letter to Della every week, to try to capture some of the details of the week since she changes so quickly. But she is also so very much her own self in very stable and consistent ways. We are getting to know her facial expressions, and starting (slowly!) to understand her different cries.

Doug is singing to her right now, they are rapt in each other's attention.

Doug is a goateed fellow and kisses Della in a way that tickles on purpose to see her smile and laugh. Totally addictive.

Sparkle lights around the window make it dreamier.

I cannot quite believe this is real.

Yes, diapers, and laughter and tears and happiness and tired and tough moments, yes complexities, and expected radical life changes, but somehow, it feels a little like I might wake up from a Versed nap and hear a kind nurse tell me apologetically that I only had 2 eggs retrieved. Or something. And this whole thing was a dream.

Last night I spent mostly awake, uncomfortable with bladder and urethra issues, so I called the doc today, went in and peed in a cup. But I've been tested already since the delivery and there was no infection so I think it is just irritated. The catheter and I are not friends. Functionally? Absolutely. It was fabulous not to have to get up to pee that first day after Della was born. But physically? Not so much.

I'm on some numbing stuff and cranberry extract until the results come back (48 hours). Clean catch is much easier when not working around a giant pregnant belly.

I will write about my belly soon, but a different post I think.

I have been thinking, on and off, about details. They come back at strange times and in strange ways. Last night, shivering briefly in bed (I shiver when I am tired, and oh was I tired) I realized/remembered how shaky I was during the contractions, how I could not stop shaking once they got intense. How it was one of the first things Doug noticed when I woke him that morning.

I also was thinking, as I ate my morning oatmeal, of my first food after Della: oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamon. God it was good. Manna.

Of course I had not eaten anything but apple juice for 2 and a half days by then so yes, it was really really good.

And one more thing before I go-

Ok-- a small unpaid plug here for a product we like: the power of email aside, there are some folks we wanted to send real live baby announcements to, like the Boston clinic and Dartmouth, our families, etc. Our baby announcements came today from tinyprints.com. Very nice quality, shipping as specified, and really easy to do (I had 2 minutes and had it done and ordered in that time). They have great customer service although a strange grasp of grammar, they had a suggestion for a change and sent me an e-proof that I was able to review and select for printing or not as I chose. They even called to make sure I received the email with the proof and were really, really nice about it.

The default finish is matte and is very nice (card stock, very nice digital printing).

And no, I did not go to the coffee shop yet. That will probably wait (more) until I have a sudden brave urge. I promise I will let you know how it goes!

I'm ok

Thank you all for your kindness, understanding and support.

Doug, bless him, made the Jeff stuff vanish (into tubs, into the garage) but upon further reflection, as is common, I realized there was much more going on too that made things more acute: A recent death of a young man, and a psychological revisiting of a lost family home... sometimes grief brings grief, you know? I have my own mythology-- that I am FINE. Sometimes the universe reminds me that yes, I am fine sometimes, but sometimes not so much.

Some Very Good Things:

Three cheers for Mo's transfer (HOPING HOPING HOPING)

I had the most amazingly wonderful time thursday evening- My dear friend Maya Stein held a local writing workshop, and everything about it reminded me of why I love writing, how much I love hearing other people's voices, the special magical power of language and honesty, and how much a heartfelt hug, a direct eye to eye conversation, an open heart, a true and delicious connection -- how much this all feeds me. I left feeling giddy with it all and reminded, once again, of how I love to feel.

OB appointment yesterday--my glucose check, normal pregnant lady stepB swab, and, because of our IVF, a non-stress test... the NST was a treat, 20 minutes listening to that wild thumping...

And today? Since I got up, deep unabating uncomfortable menstrual-like cramping, way low, holy crap uncomfortable, no rhythm but distracting enough so I can barely read. I had tea and fake toast, and am trying to hydrate. Will try some soy yoghurt soon, but sheesh, very uncomfortable.

The doc wants to hear from me if: blood, contractions 5 minutes apart for an hour, any fluid gush or dibble--

this is none of that... this is Other-- this is just holy shit cramps that I cannot calm with position changes.

I know this could be transient and simply pass, or it could last days or weeks.

All I know is Things Are Happening, even if I do not know the time frame.

Excited, not ready, curious, terrified, hopeful....

Yeah, what she said....

Sprogblogger just wrote the most amazing piece on motherhood and DE. Eloquence, truth, love. Bring tissues.

Baby Interrupted's recent post 34w5d is completely awesome. So all I can say is please go there, read her. And her most recent post included this poem which rocked me back on my heels. I'd read it before, but this time it hit home.

Things to Do in the Belly of the Whale

Measure the walls. Count the ribs. Notch the long days.
Look up for blue sky through the spout. Make small fires
with the broken hulls of fishing boats. Practice smoke
signals.
Call old friends, and listen for echoes of distant voices.
Organize your calendar. Dream of the beach. Look each
way for the dim glow of light. Work on your reports.
Review each of your life's ten million choices. Endure
moments of self-loathing. Find the evidence of those
before you. Destroy it. Try to be very quiet, and listen for
the sound of gears and moving water. Listen for the sound
of your heart.
Be thankful that you are here, swallowed with all hope,
where you can rest and wait. Be nostalgic. Think of all
the things you did and could have done. Remember
treading water in the center of the still night sea, your
toes pointing again and again down, down into the black
depths.

Dan Albergotti

Jen Lee, fresh back from Squam Art Workshops, is sharing some fabulous reminders for soul-care and other deep truths on her site. A recent favorite:

"It's okay to not know what to do next. Laying down is always good for the not-knowing moments."

And in other news:

So, every once in a while I get OCD about something-- where I fixate and decide if only I can find the perfect _______ then All Will Be Well... this has never actually worked out in such a magical way, and the Quest can be insane and insanely consuming. I've grown up enough to know when it is happening, and heck, I can even laugh at myself as I am doing it. I sometimes give myself permission to seek and search, sometimes I cut myself off and haul myself out into the world as a distraction.

This time, I realized I wanted a baby book for our little one, but I did not want it to be kittens and bunnies or Pooh or "mommy and daddy", I did not want the presumption of christianity, heterosexuality, or of marriage, or of anything really. I did not want to feel overwhelmed. I wanted simplicity, flexibility, beauty, contemporary design-- something the grown up baby could have on his or her shelf and not have it scream BABY BOOK, and thus began my search. Through some stroke of luck after a long long search I landed on etsy, and through some other stroke of luck I found a shop called Ednamae (so help me I want to call it edamame).

I ordered a book, chose my cover color, my inside modules, and inside design, and kindly asked that my second choices be used to help with expedited shipping as needed since I was not sure when this little one might arrive but it might be soon (part of the OCD is/was me NEEDING THE BOOK TO BE HERE WHEN THE BABY COMES).

Two days later, the book arrived, expedited, from Oregon.

Perfection.

I wrote a love note to Kobie and she sent me the kindest reply including this gift for you. (Yes, YOU):

"

Thank you so much! I'm so glad you love it!
You can let your readers know they can have a coupon code on my new website,
ModernBabyBooks.com
coupon code:
NewWebsitePromo

for $5 off."

If you are thinking of a gift for yourself or a loved one, please please check her site out.

One more thing about this that makes it even more magical: THREE RING BINDER-- yes folks, that kind of flexibility.

So, kate, what about the lake?

Yesterday morning, wildly windy, rainy, insanely warm, we made our way to the specialist's office for the first appointment of the day. I'd carefully scheduled with the ultrasound lady from last time and was ready to hear what had to be said about the current state of my placenta.

First thing, we get called back by a different US tech, and I thought, well shit. And I tried to give up the control I was trying to wield. I did ok, but I was nervous as hell. The new lady did not help me feel calm although she was nice.

Doc came in and they did the internal together, just like last time (did I mention how much I like him?)

Bottom line:

baby is looking great at 6lbs+, head thoroughly wedged in my nether regions.

Lake is resolved.

what?

yes, the lake? resolved. Yes, I have a bit of extracurricular vascular activity that will require some vigilance immediately post-partum, but in this moment?

NORMAL PREGNANT LADY.

What does this mean?

no early scheduled c-section, no cause for undue alarm, just the usual let's-wait-and-see-how-this-plays-out scenario.

Hot diggity dog.

Beauty

Happy Equinox (yesterday)-- and happy Autumn- the season in which I will become a mom.

Holy moly folks. It is starting to feel more and more like this is really going to happen. Here we are, halfway through week 34. And every bit of this feels magical, miraculous and dreamy (dreamy also means a bit surreal and I wish I felt more like it is really happening moment to moment, but it's as if I can't quite let myself believe it. To which I say: fuck you, infertility).

So-- since timing is often odd, the weekend after Justin's truly fun balloon photos, our dear friend Susan Mullen, who was our insanely talented elopement photographer, had a free day and asked us to come to Maine for family pregnancy photos (it was the last day of week 32 I guess). How could we say no? So we spent the afternoon with her, taking family photos and laughing hard and simply enjoying the salty air and the slanting sun. Spending time in the company of both my beloved and a dear friend, what could be better?

We spent the night up there, slept not at all on a hard hotel bed with my broken-feeling pelvis, and headed back the next day.

Then she sent these.

Holy shit people-- want to see more? Since we've sort of outed ourselves here with our actual identities, I feel more open about sharing than I did. So, here's the link. And if you are thinking of southern Maine, and photos, and are happy and easy going, please think of Susan. She is a wonderful warm talented person, so easy to work with, so kind and generous, and so wonderfully FUN.

We had a great time and the images are simply breath taking. I cried, no kidding, when I saw them. How often do we get to see our own love, right on the surface? Bliss.

summer storm

Tonight we had the most magical summer storm-- rolling thunder nearly full time for an hour, sudden cold breezes, rain and rain and rain. Lightning and a very dark sky--

the power went out

and then the sky turned the most magnificent tangerine color, I cannot begin to describe it in a way that would do it justice, everything was aglow-- we lay on the floor looking out through the big window in the living room and just watched as the sky changed so slowly and lightning kept cutting through.

The power just came back on and I wanted to check in-- I've been busy with work, but also preparing for the online workshop I am hosting this weekend (it started today)-- it is going really well. I wrote for 5 hours today, pure bliss, the kind of writing that spills out and feels like the real thing. So while I worked hard today and am tired, it was really rewarding.

I know that if I could choose something, I would love to make a living doing "this"-- writing.

I've been enjoying a LOT of baby movement, thumping, alien rolling under the surface, the occasional kick to the cervix. I am loving it.

My darlin' works extra in the summer, spending nights away, so for him I am a time lapse experience-- he rediscovers my big belly each time he comes home, and his face lights up. I am not sure anything is cooler than the look on his face.

Ok, must sleep-- but did not want to go too long being quiet.

recipes for happiness

a walk early in the morning, that was so great, I turned around and did it again...

cool breezes during the walk, enough so long sleeves were in order...

a home made iced decaf soy chai latte served to self with straw...

a very smart momma who taught me early on to close a house on a hot day, pull the windows down (I have no shades or curtains), and the house will stay cooler. I did, it did. It probably saved my life today...

two paintings that came out as if they'd been waiting...one that I love...

cleaned paint brushes drying in a jar by the sink, paints still on the table, I don't think I'm done...

a day of peacefulness- no chaotic need to Do or Accomplish or Achieve...

a whole book read in a day....

a cat who wanted to snuggle in spite of the heat...and for a while lay across The Belly while the baby moved around...

two servings of the best possible gluten free peach crumble (it started its life as an attempt at pie, and, well, you know.... crumble happened)...

a cool evening, windows thrown open, fans on, all new air....

sitting on the stoop talking to my sister, who, two states away, was sitting on her deck...solace in sharing the same evening...

another walk, this one slower, but a walk...blessed movement...

a thrush singing right now in the woods as night falls...

independence day indeed.

meeting in the middle

Sometimes you meet someone and it feels as if they are already familiar to you, a missing piece, some sort of recognition, some easy meshing of gears, yours to theirs. Words just spill and silences feel like comfort or possibility not like awkwardness.

Last night I got to meet someone I've liked for a very long time--long ago in the strange place that is the internet, I had stumbled on her blog somehow and found the most remarkable, honest, amazing, beautiful writing.

As I told her, her writing almost always knocks me flat and leaves me breathless-- Maya Stein was in town and we shared a couch and an hour of truly wonderful conversation--

I am lucky in that I do not get star struck exactly, I get almost the opposite-- star avoidance?

But Maya invited me, and I said yes. And as I walked barefoot and brave into the house, I found she is real and present and just simply wonderful to spend time with. I feel really lucky.

She's going around the country starting in September, taking her 10 line tuesdays work/play on the road for readings and workshops. I encourage you to keep your eyes open for a workshop or reading near you--I promise you, I promise, it will be worth it.

Thank you Maya!

Size 6, my ass. Not.

11w 1d.

Still quite mired in the pooped-out-holy-crap-my-arms-are-leaden experience of early pregnancy. Intense feelings of crapiness, but again, no better reason in the world.

Wore maternity jeans all weekend which felt like pure bliss.

Fit note: old navy, WTF? thanks for taking my very clearly always size 10 kateness and making me a maternity size 6. Makes for much sending of stuff back and forth. Size 6 my ass.

But the shirts? TINY. silly tiny. doll tiny. not sure what is up with that. gave up with old navy tops.

The jeans, boot cut, low, worn in feeling/looking, stretchy but not messy, $25. I bought short, I am 5'4".

Found one great, basic t-shirt at gap online, a little tight in the arms but how great to tent over The Belly-- basic V neck with stretch, short sleeve, comes in 3 colors (knock yourself out gap)-- black, white, and kelly green. I got white. 12.50. Ordered another. The long sleeve version is only available in black and white and not white in my size (M). SO help me, if I were independently wealthy, I'd design and sell basic clothes in many colors. They have a cute overstiched u neck t-shirt in great colors-- a great purple-- whose fabric is so clingy and thin that you can see the details of my inny belly button without trying. Not recommended unless you are into that sort of thing. Soft soft soft, but dang. 19.50. Might sleep in it.

Since I am not out at work yet, I do this trick with an elastic band on my ordinary pants-- around the button through the button hole twice and back around the button. I know that soon I will not be doing that second wrap through the hole-- it is easy, simple, works, stretches since The Belly grows during the day, shrinks back over night....

Started worrying about the little one for no good reason other than it has been a week since my last reassuring glimpse and I am feeling so worried about my heart should anything bad happen-- I feel *almost there*, almost into the second trimester-- just a few more weeks, right? But being almost there makes me fear the universe's cruelty. I know you know what I mean.

I have a tilted uterus, so now, at week 11, do you think I might have luck with a doppler? Or should I wait? Anyone out there similarly tipped who can advise?

And spring! magnolia buds are cracked open enough to see pink...

frost due tonight though

peas to plant in a sunny spot on the south side...

things are greening up, budding out, maples dropping their red blossoms... the sun is warm even when the wind is cold like today-- it feels hopeful, it really does.

the other morning the sky was moving so fast, clouds whipping by up there, holes of blue dragged across behind the trees.... it always amazes me when the sky moves like that and I am sitting in stillness, trees at rest, no roaring wind.

I miss my magical hikes, but they are inherently darned strenuous for fit-not-pregnant kate, so they are off-limits until I have the little one in a pack-- I look forward to maybe trying yoga again soon (I cut out everything since all of my energy has been simply gone)-- but now, psychologically I am feeling ready to move, at least a little, and I hope my body begins to want to too....

Sorry I've dropped so low and have been so quiet and so off-line- I hope to resurface soon. But for now, quiet, low, slow all seem to be necessary not optional.