birth class and irony

Today ended softly, with a pearly gray sky and perfect stillness. I lay on the sofa and watched a tiny glimmer of light through the layered leaves of trees and the stillness was profound.

My uterus has been making itself known again with more frequent contractions but no sustained frequency that triggers the "call now" criteria. Just under the wire with up to 4 an hour, and last night one hour with 5-- I drink, I lie down, I pray.

The baby is incredibly active so I know that makes this more likely for me, these contractions are more likely with an active little one on board.

Today we spent in birth class, and I felt, as I most often do, as "other"-- older, the only IF couple who spoke of it, the only couple facing the known possibility/probability of a c-section.

It felt largely superfluous, but you never know. And the tour of the calm arena of normal deliveries felt like those artful photos of houses for sale, ideal, larger, cleaner, calmer than any reality ever is or can be...

We're thinking about delivering at Dartmouth, or Boston. There are three level 3 NICUs in New Hampshire (who knew?)- but I want to be in the safest place, and safest means skill and plenty of positve outcome experience not just with me, but with worst-case-scenario-baby care. I hope Tuesday brings clarity, a plan, and a referral, and not just a nebulous neither-here-nor-there that requires me to become ferocious. But if I need to, please know that I will, oh I will.

Tomorrow? Week 30 begins.

peachy

Hello folks!

I invite you to stop by my other blog, heartwork, starting tomorrow afternoon for a chance at a giveaway-- a few free passes to Beginning: the journaling e-workshop I hope to be running the weekend of the 16th. Come by and comment, and I'll be either giving the free passes to all of you (if there's 3) or three of you if there's more.

Of course, if you are already blogging, you have this journaling thing down. But.... if you're interested, please stop by.

******

On a baby note, we had a great ultrasound on tuesday- baby looks perfect, and, get this, the placenta has moved a little!... so, we'll look again in a month.

The doctor I saw is one of the ones I like most, a little more cautious, a little more informative, a little less kneejerk sunshine and roses. But he was really positive, not necessarily about the placenta about which he was cautious, but in general. My contractions (blessedly) have still maintained their slower pace (Baby Steps, I hope yours have too! And I hope you are finally past 24 weeks!)

I am tired though, deeply-- but that also has to do with life stuff. My boss told me this week that not only did he decide to cut my benefits (after saying he wouldn't) but also that my job will not be there for me when my "maternity leave" is over come January-- basically I'll be using up all of my accrued vacation and then... no job and no safety net. (He said I was always welcome part time but then would categorically not specify what part time meant). It was a shitty conversation. So I am scrambling, panicked, trying not to be or feel or, more importantly, act desperate.

I'm working my network slowly, starting with folks who know me best. Trying to use enthusiasm or interest as a barometer for what jobs to seek.

I'd just like to say how much I hate this confluence of emotionally charged events-- this wondrous miraculous pregnancy, and this shitty work situation. I am feeling really overwhelmed, like I'd like to be able to step aside from the job issue for now, but now I can't. I had been trying to do just that, I'd decided to deal with the 4 days and pay cut and figure it out later. But now, I have three months to get something ready for "after" (or sooner) if at all possible.

So, this week? Blessed beautiful baby news, and work shite. And tiredkate.

But tomorrow, friday, is My day. I have two appointments and much to do, but it will be at my pace.

Tonight once I got home, I sat out on the stoop and looked at the glorious garden-- I garden like this: there is a sparse area, I find a hearty perennial I like, plant it, water it once or twice, and then... it becomes part of the garden if it so chooses. The garden is surprisingly lush considering my hand's off approach, and tonight, as the sun set, big fat bumble bees were bumbling around the huge mound of catmint, and I have coneflower in bloom already (not usually until August!), and everything just looks so great. Yes, there is a sparse area that needs attention sometime, but that will have to wait. I chose to focus my attention elsewhere.

The cat has spent the evening at the front window yowling piteously for a neighbor cat that sometimes braves our big woods to come and visit.

And the windows are all open, fans are on, air is moving

and I have the taste of fresh peach in my mouth from one I thought I needed to put in the compost, and just at the last minute decided to bite in and see how bad it was--

totally

astonishingly

quintessentially

lusciously

peachy.

honestKate

So after all that, the contractions calmed significantly after about 3 or 4 days of increasing hell. And, for whatever reason, the contractions are less frequent still-- maybe 12-14 a day (instead of 4 an hour)-- oh, they still make me feel crappy (weirdly lightheaded and vaguely queasy) but since they are so few comparatively speaking, I feel relieved. I can manage these.

They are worse in the car for some reason. When I drive (even peaceful country driving) I get them in clusters about 15 minutes apart or less. Must be the position? Not sure.

All in all I am feeling ok-- very tired since sleep is interrupted by peeing and the pelvic pain (good lord, pelvic symphasis horror show).

My belly is big and getting bigger daily, and I finally caved in and got new bras-- much much bigger than my usual. So I look like a complete stranger from neck to crotch. Seriously. A totally different body.

I am still enjoying wiggles and bumps and can see them more and more often.

And I am still amazed each and every day that this is Me and I am Pregnant.

It feels impossible.

It is also impossible for me to forget my target of July 11th, which is my 24 week day---- I have my eye on that date with such intensity I am sure this next week will crawl by. I just want to get to viability please (I say, knowing that it is not ALL I want, just what I want next).

So tomorrow is week 23.

tuesday is my monthly OB appointment with bonus placenta check via ultrasound.

I've gained 10 lbs or so according to my scale. I am sure they will say it is more.

and today I had to take off my brandy new wedding ring since my hands were swollen from a combination of the little one and the heat.

Ok-- honest kate time:

I feel a little dislocated. I imagined at this point I would be sitting and rubbing my belly and just blissing out. Instead, the previa, the contractions, all of my inherent and acquired neuroses, they all conspire to have me just a bit on edge, a bit disbelieving. I sit and try to think of what to add to our registry and I worry I may be acting too soon, assuming too much. Gosh darn.

And even when-- even when I have wiggles and bumps, I feel a little weirdly distant sort of stillness, a watchfulness.

I know some of this is from the heat.

Some is from the acute and now ongoing stress of the work situation and my intermittent success in managing my tenderness and reactivity.

Some is from truly feeling astonished that this pregnancy actually happened, that this pregnancy is actually happening.

Some is from my worry about the previa (most initial bleeds are significant and median date for such a bleed is week 32).

And my worry about this not working out. That it was all a pipe dream. That somehow disaster will strike.

I think about names and then think about what it will mean to carry this little one strapped to my belly, and in the next breath, panic that something Bad will happen.

It is really hard to write about this.

I want to be all sunshine and roses.

All optimism, the hard part is over! Stats are in our favor! Tra la!

But I can't help but be afraid. Not paralysis-afraid, just afraid enough to keep me unsettled.

I wanted to write a funny post about the things I had not expected about expecting-- and perhaps I will another time. I am not reading pregnancy books at all. Just the Your Baby at .... Weeks since I love knowing that this little one is now over a pound! and would require two of my hands to hold. So my list is probably known to all of you pregnant ladies out there. But for me? Boatloads of surprises.

For now, wishing you all a very safe holiday weekend.

Our lightning bugs vanished after those few days with just one.... I am hopeful they'll return.

22 weeks

22 weeks.

It was a day of contractions and wiggles and kicks and a nice long walk and a nice long lunch with a friend who is simply easy to be with... I laughed hard which was great, and it surprised me that it felt so unusual. I am a big loud laugher. And I guess the stresses of the past few weeks have made that a whole lot less likely, less easy- more of a surprise.

When things change, when I am in an uneasy transition like the one I have with work, I often lose touch with the parts of me that I like best. My big loud laugh, for example.

And I also lose touch with the things that help me feel grounded, help me stay present and centered, things that make me feel good. It's as if, in the melee, I simply forget what I know.

So today, time spent outside in the fresh air surrounded by trees, breathing, moving, talking.. and oh yes, laughing....

it feels so good to remember.

respite

So yesterday afternoon, the contractions slowed-- sure, I still had them, but not nearly as often, and had an almost ordinary evening. I went to the grocery, came home, did laundry, made myself dinner. As each contraction came, I noted the time, but the spacing was so far apart that I felt the knot inside my soul loosen.

Today, it was the same until about 2 hours ago, now they are more frequent again (every 15-20 minutes), but the break? By some miracle I felt myself heal in those spaces between contractions.

Today I got a call from the Dr's office, no urinary tract infection- so this is all about spasms.

This whole thing has made me wonder if folks who have colitis/IBS are more susceptible to irritable uterus. I wonder if the same sensitivity, the same predisposition to spasms makes it more likely.

I did add magnesium (slow mag) to my daily diet-- I do not get enough leafy greens. And my prenatal has only 1/3 the daily recommended dose, so I added just enough to be 100% of RDA-- two pills, just one in the morning one at night, that way at least I won't be making this worse by depletion.

So-- my soul feels better. Even with the return of the more frequent contractions, it's as if during that break, I got my feet under me somehow. I am not sure if this feeling will last, this improved calm, this feeling of almost-having-it-together-ness, but in this moment, I am grateful for the relief.

reassurance

First- thank you.

Thank you for your kindness- truly. Babysteps-- do you have a blog? if so please leave the address in a comment so we can offer you support --and Jamie, I am so sorry you had this for so long. It is truly exhausting emotionally. This means you were dealing with this when I met you and I am so sorry. I know I would not have understood but I would have been sympathetic. It is so darned hard.

I saw the doctor today and here's what I learned:

It is not the strength of these that counts, the back pain, etc, but the frequency-- the gating item, the trigger would be 5 or more per hour that persist after lying down and making sure I'm hydrated. Then I call, then they will see me.

Pre-term contractions (their term for this) are not the same thing as pre-term labor.

Pre-term contractions (or irritable uterus) are in no way related to incompetent cervix. (Mo, this is one of my biggest fears too after two D&Cs and an internet filled with scary stories).

These are incredibly common-- many women have them and don't even know it.

Today they swabbed me for fetal fibronectin -- which came back negative. (This awesome test indicates with high accuracy the probability of delivery in the next two weeks- negative means not much chance which is awesome).

They tested my urine for bacteria since apparently even a little can cause this to be worse--

results back in the next few days after culturing.

They looked at my cervix (yes, an internal peek even with my previa) and it is long and closed.

I told her I was worried about the internal because of my previa and had read that it was a terrible idea, and she said only if I am dilated. And I wasn't but she did not know that until she was in there... but it all turned out fine. No spotting even which surprised me.

My challenge is to manage my stress reaction, and to manage these contractions in a way that feels somewhat ordinary.

Baby steps-- if they don't see a change in the cervix, and in the absence of other bad things (bleeding, leaking fluid), they simply don't take action most of the time. For them it IS ordinary.

Online I read about folks with irritable uterus who are on bedrest, or on medications, on this and that-- and I do not think there is one universal truth-- but I do know this: they scare me, they wear me out and wear me down. I am so worried about losing this little one, having pre term labor so early would be unthinkably horrible. BUT she insisted that this is so normal as to be totally unalarming to them as doctors.

I agree with all of you-- I am trusting my guts and erring in the direction of caution- lying down when I need to to slow things down. Yes, even at work.

If lying down slows things, in some ways it is incredibly affirming of the fact that these are the irritation contractions, not the real thing.

Also, she said an active baby can cause more contractions- and my baby is active all right, so there's that.

And a full bladder can make it worse, so pee before you *have* to-- a totally obnoxious balance of massive hydration and a not-overfull bladder. Ha.

At the end of the exam, she did a nice thing: dopplered my little one and said the heartrate was "perfect"--- and when I asked about how to manage my anxiety, she told me that it was up to me to believe her or not about the ordinariness of the contractions. She has a point.

So I am reassured. I have a long closed cervix and a plan. I will try to learn to manage this with more objectivity than panic. I give myself a 50/50 chance of success with that, but this stress level sucks ass and I need to figure out how to manage it better and regain some semblance of my previous pseudo-zen.

Moonlight through the trees, and me? Off to bed.

squeezes

30 so far today

22 yesterday

they tire me out just by existing, make me stressed, worry me-- I am envisioning a long closed cervix, but really? I need to know.

So although I gave my OB office the day off today (called sunday and yesterday) tomorrow I will call again.

I am home and on the sofa and, in this moment, am not contracting. Delightful! It feels miraculous.

I had to lie down at work for a while yesterday and again today once I triggered the "if 5 an hour" criteria.... sucks to be on the ground this big but it helped both times. I am totally hydrated, nearly clear pee-- and peed every 15-20 minutes all day. So this is about horizontality. I also noticed I don't have them as often standing up.

I've read a lot about irritable uterus and I am the poster child-- wish I could say it is nice to be typical.

Anyway, I am in need of reassurance.

Impatient Kate, I know you dealt with this forever, I bow to your persistent sanity in spite of it-- anyone else out there with it now or who had it when...? How did you deal with it?

Anyone with irritable uterus plus previa? I am in want of good news not horror stories.