barf barf barf barf barf, repeat

Oh poor sweet Della.
12 hours of barfing.
seriously, 3-4  every half hour, then every hour... then...maybe..maybe
she is done with the active part I hope, maybe, but I am *done* and sure to be next since I did not sleep more than about 45 minutes.

For those of you who thought you might take part in the Campfire gathering over at Heartwork this weekend, I'm admitting my mere mortal status and rescheduling. Too much barf, too little sleep, not the best foundation for this work.

For those of you out there with kids who had this, is it 12 hours? or are we just taking a break here and I should get ready for a second round?

so help me.

3 days

ok, to be fair, it will be closer to 4 days
but
for sanity's sake: 3 days away from Della. 3 nights.
My first time away from her for the night EVER.
By away I mean, away at all...
Except one night many months ago that Doug slept with Della until 4am in the living room.

I am getting reacquainted with the pump.
I am getting reacquainted with separation anxiety (MINE)
I am getting reacquainted with feelings of vulnerability, fragility, uncertainty, worries...

I am interested to see how I do-- travel to a different time zone, sleeping alone instead of our co-sleeping, the weirdness that is inherent in travel... business stuff, networking, grown up shoes.

But the time away? Oh. Heavy heart.
As if perhaps she will forget me.
Or find out that this really was a dream after all.


***

In search, I mean support, of my sanity, I will be using travel time to sleep if possible, journal, read, do some projects that include a kind of focus that the internet and a baby do not inherently support.

I fly through atlanta to las vegas ferchrissakes
and back by dinner on thursday.

Hoping for smooth sailing, good inner work, minimal tears, sleep, sufficient food and an opportunity to wear my bathing suit in an actual pool, for more than one minute.

on carriages and pumpkins

I am at home today, all razor throat and snottiness day 3. Not pretty. I do not fold easily, and damn, I give, it wins.

I was up a lot last night thinking, THINKING thinking thinking.

Thinking about how, let's call it interesting, shall we? how interesting it is to be on the downhill slope from a season of nearly unconscious enoughness.

When I first bought the house, I was making good enough money to make up for whatever misgivings I might have had about my job, career, etc. I was able to do things- fly to see my dad in Denver, fix the car, fill the oil tank. Bigger projects took some planning and foresight, some accumulation, but I could do them. I'd been in big debt before, and had dug out, twice in fact. One was immense stupidity debt that I brought on myself trying valiantly and futilely to buy someone's happiness. Actually, now that I think about it, the second wave was the same as the first (some lessons are learned harder than others). But my point is that I had enough money to not be worried about in-the-moment money. I was also only in debt with the house, which, I hoped, would become my main investment. And that is where my money was going.

OK first, YES I do realize how lucky I was! (and am!)-- at the time, single, childless, good paycheck... in some ways very lucky. In others, not as much.

Enter reality, stage left.

So, in real life, we are now well and truly screwed, immense fertility debt taken on (would not change it) since I did not have time to accumulate in those days of wine (whine, is more like it) and roses (thorns aplenty), and house underwater (literally, wet basement today, and figuratively, as it is now worth less than we owe), and job dwindling....savings finite and small, clock ticking.

I am in the pumpkin phase of this. Don't get me wrong, I like pumpkins, love them actually. But getting back onto the panicked-about-money rollercoaster sucks ass. I'm just sayin'. Truth be told, today there is nothing new, no trigger event, no anniversary, just the ongoing and fast-growing realization that no matter what magical thinking I apply, reality is winning.

So universe, I hear you. I cannot act as if it is not happening. But I also know that panic is not going to help solve the problem.

Erin, your thoughtful link to the quote about the trapeze was right on target- there is a moment between, when letting go, when you have to *trust* that there will be something. But when you are in between, really, all you can be is in between. Scary.

Lovely commenter in Maine, thank you! Thank you for the link to the family center in Portland. Looks like I might just be in the neighborhood this summer and it is great to have such a wonderful recommendation.

All in all, Mr. Pumpkin (this one feels male), I'm just trying to gather my thoughts. This blog is often the place I think of to record and sift and rant. So for now? I declare this episode of miscellaneous katebabble complete.

Another quick update

Almost mid-way through week 29, and looking forward to next tuesday's appointment for many reasons. I'll get a glimpse of this wild animal currently inhabiting my midsection, and hopefully get a clearer picture of all that is happening in placenta and vessel land.

A recent search on google scared the crap out of my beloved sister, and, shortly thereafter, me. I have been SO GOOD and not googling stuff, and, well, yeah. So on Tuesday, unless the news is quite different regarding the vasa previa (news like, "we never said that!"), I'll be asking for a referral for a high risk OB/Maternal fetal medicine specialist to talk diagnosis and strategy. Anyone out there with a POSITIVE OUTCOME story (positives only), please please comment or write to me. Reassurance would be most welcome.

In this moment, the baby is rolling under the surface, and doing flutter kicks with the occasional wallop on the old cervix. Love love love love love this kind of reassurance more than I can say.

Genevieve, my email is icantwhistle at yahoo dot com--please feel free to write. I'd be happy to help however I can. Do you have a blog? You could even blog anonymously--the support you'll get is beyond anything you can imagine. Have you gone to cyclesista? You'll find others cycling at the same time you do, and it really helps. I swear without this on line community I would have gone completely nuts.

I am pretty convinced that this is a numbers game and is as much about luck as anything. Luck and tenacity and magic. How I wish for all of us that it were simpler.

peachy

Hello folks!

I invite you to stop by my other blog, heartwork, starting tomorrow afternoon for a chance at a giveaway-- a few free passes to Beginning: the journaling e-workshop I hope to be running the weekend of the 16th. Come by and comment, and I'll be either giving the free passes to all of you (if there's 3) or three of you if there's more.

Of course, if you are already blogging, you have this journaling thing down. But.... if you're interested, please stop by.

******

On a baby note, we had a great ultrasound on tuesday- baby looks perfect, and, get this, the placenta has moved a little!... so, we'll look again in a month.

The doctor I saw is one of the ones I like most, a little more cautious, a little more informative, a little less kneejerk sunshine and roses. But he was really positive, not necessarily about the placenta about which he was cautious, but in general. My contractions (blessedly) have still maintained their slower pace (Baby Steps, I hope yours have too! And I hope you are finally past 24 weeks!)

I am tired though, deeply-- but that also has to do with life stuff. My boss told me this week that not only did he decide to cut my benefits (after saying he wouldn't) but also that my job will not be there for me when my "maternity leave" is over come January-- basically I'll be using up all of my accrued vacation and then... no job and no safety net. (He said I was always welcome part time but then would categorically not specify what part time meant). It was a shitty conversation. So I am scrambling, panicked, trying not to be or feel or, more importantly, act desperate.

I'm working my network slowly, starting with folks who know me best. Trying to use enthusiasm or interest as a barometer for what jobs to seek.

I'd just like to say how much I hate this confluence of emotionally charged events-- this wondrous miraculous pregnancy, and this shitty work situation. I am feeling really overwhelmed, like I'd like to be able to step aside from the job issue for now, but now I can't. I had been trying to do just that, I'd decided to deal with the 4 days and pay cut and figure it out later. But now, I have three months to get something ready for "after" (or sooner) if at all possible.

So, this week? Blessed beautiful baby news, and work shite. And tiredkate.

But tomorrow, friday, is My day. I have two appointments and much to do, but it will be at my pace.

Tonight once I got home, I sat out on the stoop and looked at the glorious garden-- I garden like this: there is a sparse area, I find a hearty perennial I like, plant it, water it once or twice, and then... it becomes part of the garden if it so chooses. The garden is surprisingly lush considering my hand's off approach, and tonight, as the sun set, big fat bumble bees were bumbling around the huge mound of catmint, and I have coneflower in bloom already (not usually until August!), and everything just looks so great. Yes, there is a sparse area that needs attention sometime, but that will have to wait. I chose to focus my attention elsewhere.

The cat has spent the evening at the front window yowling piteously for a neighbor cat that sometimes braves our big woods to come and visit.

And the windows are all open, fans are on, air is moving

and I have the taste of fresh peach in my mouth from one I thought I needed to put in the compost, and just at the last minute decided to bite in and see how bad it was--

totally

astonishingly

quintessentially

lusciously

peachy.

honestKate

So after all that, the contractions calmed significantly after about 3 or 4 days of increasing hell. And, for whatever reason, the contractions are less frequent still-- maybe 12-14 a day (instead of 4 an hour)-- oh, they still make me feel crappy (weirdly lightheaded and vaguely queasy) but since they are so few comparatively speaking, I feel relieved. I can manage these.

They are worse in the car for some reason. When I drive (even peaceful country driving) I get them in clusters about 15 minutes apart or less. Must be the position? Not sure.

All in all I am feeling ok-- very tired since sleep is interrupted by peeing and the pelvic pain (good lord, pelvic symphasis horror show).

My belly is big and getting bigger daily, and I finally caved in and got new bras-- much much bigger than my usual. So I look like a complete stranger from neck to crotch. Seriously. A totally different body.

I am still enjoying wiggles and bumps and can see them more and more often.

And I am still amazed each and every day that this is Me and I am Pregnant.

It feels impossible.

It is also impossible for me to forget my target of July 11th, which is my 24 week day---- I have my eye on that date with such intensity I am sure this next week will crawl by. I just want to get to viability please (I say, knowing that it is not ALL I want, just what I want next).

So tomorrow is week 23.

tuesday is my monthly OB appointment with bonus placenta check via ultrasound.

I've gained 10 lbs or so according to my scale. I am sure they will say it is more.

and today I had to take off my brandy new wedding ring since my hands were swollen from a combination of the little one and the heat.

Ok-- honest kate time:

I feel a little dislocated. I imagined at this point I would be sitting and rubbing my belly and just blissing out. Instead, the previa, the contractions, all of my inherent and acquired neuroses, they all conspire to have me just a bit on edge, a bit disbelieving. I sit and try to think of what to add to our registry and I worry I may be acting too soon, assuming too much. Gosh darn.

And even when-- even when I have wiggles and bumps, I feel a little weirdly distant sort of stillness, a watchfulness.

I know some of this is from the heat.

Some is from the acute and now ongoing stress of the work situation and my intermittent success in managing my tenderness and reactivity.

Some is from truly feeling astonished that this pregnancy actually happened, that this pregnancy is actually happening.

Some is from my worry about the previa (most initial bleeds are significant and median date for such a bleed is week 32).

And my worry about this not working out. That it was all a pipe dream. That somehow disaster will strike.

I think about names and then think about what it will mean to carry this little one strapped to my belly, and in the next breath, panic that something Bad will happen.

It is really hard to write about this.

I want to be all sunshine and roses.

All optimism, the hard part is over! Stats are in our favor! Tra la!

But I can't help but be afraid. Not paralysis-afraid, just afraid enough to keep me unsettled.

I wanted to write a funny post about the things I had not expected about expecting-- and perhaps I will another time. I am not reading pregnancy books at all. Just the Your Baby at .... Weeks since I love knowing that this little one is now over a pound! and would require two of my hands to hold. So my list is probably known to all of you pregnant ladies out there. But for me? Boatloads of surprises.

For now, wishing you all a very safe holiday weekend.

Our lightning bugs vanished after those few days with just one.... I am hopeful they'll return.

respite

So yesterday afternoon, the contractions slowed-- sure, I still had them, but not nearly as often, and had an almost ordinary evening. I went to the grocery, came home, did laundry, made myself dinner. As each contraction came, I noted the time, but the spacing was so far apart that I felt the knot inside my soul loosen.

Today, it was the same until about 2 hours ago, now they are more frequent again (every 15-20 minutes), but the break? By some miracle I felt myself heal in those spaces between contractions.

Today I got a call from the Dr's office, no urinary tract infection- so this is all about spasms.

This whole thing has made me wonder if folks who have colitis/IBS are more susceptible to irritable uterus. I wonder if the same sensitivity, the same predisposition to spasms makes it more likely.

I did add magnesium (slow mag) to my daily diet-- I do not get enough leafy greens. And my prenatal has only 1/3 the daily recommended dose, so I added just enough to be 100% of RDA-- two pills, just one in the morning one at night, that way at least I won't be making this worse by depletion.

So-- my soul feels better. Even with the return of the more frequent contractions, it's as if during that break, I got my feet under me somehow. I am not sure if this feeling will last, this improved calm, this feeling of almost-having-it-together-ness, but in this moment, I am grateful for the relief.

squeezes

30 so far today

22 yesterday

they tire me out just by existing, make me stressed, worry me-- I am envisioning a long closed cervix, but really? I need to know.

So although I gave my OB office the day off today (called sunday and yesterday) tomorrow I will call again.

I am home and on the sofa and, in this moment, am not contracting. Delightful! It feels miraculous.

I had to lie down at work for a while yesterday and again today once I triggered the "if 5 an hour" criteria.... sucks to be on the ground this big but it helped both times. I am totally hydrated, nearly clear pee-- and peed every 15-20 minutes all day. So this is about horizontality. I also noticed I don't have them as often standing up.

I've read a lot about irritable uterus and I am the poster child-- wish I could say it is nice to be typical.

Anyway, I am in need of reassurance.

Impatient Kate, I know you dealt with this forever, I bow to your persistent sanity in spite of it-- anyone else out there with it now or who had it when...? How did you deal with it?

Anyone with irritable uterus plus previa? I am in want of good news not horror stories.

solstice, 21 weeks today

Contractions today, enough to scare me. 4 in one hour this evening as I was driving home from a wondrous if brief festival of sisterLove. Enough to have me talk with the OB on call (who, I kid you not, called back in 2 minutes, huzzah!)-- and enough to have me lying on my side, typing awkwardly, but reveling in no contractions now for two hours plus....

I'd like to say this about contractions-- they are so incredibly bizarre- an interior hardening, pulling inward, a sudden impenetrable bowling ball sort of solidity, pulling in and up on all of that stuff that, at least on me, does NOT want to be pulled.

Back pain sometimes, kidney pain sometimes as a bonus... and it sucks to have to drink so much water since the contractions happen more often when I have to pee and my bladder is full.

Clearly, I need to learn to stop and lie down. Drinking more water does not do it alone-- water in some ways makes it worse (see previous point), but I need to give myself permission to stop. Lie down. Relax. Oh this is very very hard for me. Feels like slacking.

I've been having contractions sporadically since the big low-down down-low pressure event of 6/10, but I did not realize it. My stomach is, indeed, mammoth, but most of the outer layers are displaced guts, fat, organs...not baby, not uterus. Not yet. So this is quite an internal experience. Discomfort, sure-- but I have had such multifaceted discomfort of late it was impossible for me to know what was what.

But now? now I know.

The OB told me the sporadic contractions are normal and not alarming (I scoff and retain my right to defcon 3 and even possibly defcon 2 alarmedness), apparently the ones that cluster are the ones that are worrisome. So I will remember to use the tools at my disposal, PERMISSION TO LIE DOWN.

Gosh kate, you can do this.

Doctor's orders.

I told Sarah, my beloved sister, that I fight with every iota of my being the medicalization/disability mentality of pregnancy as a medical condition, rather than a natural process, blah blah blah (this, with every hint of major irony from a chick knocked up via no natural process whatsoever), and I want to show (who?) that I can still DO EVERYTHING NORMALLY. This, of course, is total bullshit. I, for example, can no longer bend at the waist. BUT I want to. I want to try. I want to do. I want to drive long distances, sit in labs all day, stay upright. I want to show (who?) that I am not even remotely disabled by this, and am perfectly capable of carrying on as if I am ready for anything. Enter reality, stage right. Reality: Tough shit katekate. Suck it up.

Lightning bug on my windowsill right now.

Pardon me while I go revel in the magic of baby movements and lightning bugs.

Oh, yeah, and suck it up.

monday ultrasound

fear really sucks ass.

I'm just sayin'.

So-- while I am feeling MUCH better, the brown stuff got more and more copious last night and this morning which just freaked me the fucq out. I called the OB office first thing this morning, spoke with someone who was kind, and one of the docs called me back a short while ago-- happily she is unalarmed. Thinks it is most likely due to some, shall we say, unaccustomed activities over the weekend. Often the brown goop shows up 3-5 days later freaking people out. Like me, for example. So.. even with that, I said, so you are sure it is nothing alarming? And she said, most likely it is nothing alarming, and the only way to know for sure is to take a look. I asked if I could come in, but the ultrasound person was leaving for the day so I have an appointment for monday afternoon- the earliest they could get me in. So although she said "I don't need to see you", I said, yeah well, I need to see you. So, there you go. 2pm monday. BallsyKate.

The doppler was ordered (amazon) on tuesday right after our good appointment and is en route. That will help me I know. So will the ultrasound.

So help me, this is really really hard. All of it. I keep waiting for the easier part. But I can hear my sweet sister-- this is good training.

Thank you for all of your sweet words. Serenity, thank you for your story, it sounds scary but made me feel a bit more ok-- I will try not to let the brown stuff panic me. At least, maybe, not quite so much.

salt over shoulder

So, after our fabulous and miraculous ultrasound we told everyone who needs telling that we could think of-- the big reveal- and, as it turns out, just like last time, I feel like I jinxed it.

My 36 hours of bliss passed this morning when I woke up and realized I already felt like shit. I felt really off. Insanely tired and icky and, well, off. This is usual for me at night but not morning. Morning = tired, and morning = needs food-- but nothing like this usually. So, me, being me, (I being I)...

I went to work-- made it about 20 minutes before I realized I was being really stupid---

then came home and got into bed. But not before noticing tan-ish mucus (sorry Dad) which I've had a few times this week.

So, I read a little, slept a little, and finally ate something mid afternoon.

Not sure what happened here- some sound theories about eating a banned substance (casein hidden in soy cheese) in sufficient quantity at last night's dinner to cause my body to rebel-- also maybe just not getting enough protein last night and not eating enough this morning.

And I know I am in a bleeding mode- bloody blood draw on tuesday, and bloody acupuncture-- so the mucus is probably just cervix stuff. But.... sheesh.

No matter why, I wish I had done two things differently: I wish I had stayed in bed this morning instead of trying to go to work, and I wish I had called the OB about the mucus and the change in ick pattern just for reassurance. I assure you, I will tomorrow.

Now? Off to bed.

Promise to do a better job posting soon.

in need of reassurance

rain and sleet and snow and howling wind
today brought a million reasons to stay in and stay put
I slept late, and that was a fine thing even though my dreams were wracked with collisions and catastrophes.

I am trying not to freak out that today has been largely nausea free, just whispers where the past days have been filled with very loud HELLO! I'M YOUR SALIVARY GLANDs! I"M YOUR SEIZING/CLENCHING BELLY!
just trying not to panic that all I am is tired. Food still holds no interest, but I finally ate anyway.
Odd how salty chicken broth feels like magic. Not the smell, but the taste.

I know symptoms come and go, I posted a link here myself way back when.... I know, I know but knowing does not stop the panic. OK so internet, feel free to say calming reassuring things about nausea coming and going... not fond of feeling like shit, but scared that it let up today.

I have The Bloat, Doug even laughed last night as I stripped down since The Belly was so obviously protuberant.

so tomorrow we head to Brookline to a hotel that will either be great or sucky, a good story either way-- and monday morning, get this, our ultrasound is at 9:30 then the appointment with the NP is at 11. um. what? so we will wander for an hour with big good news firing us up or sad news pulling my heart down into my belly like a stone. Or worse, will they not show and tell us anything? I thought the NP would be at the US and then we'd just talk after about what next...

Once again, needing to give up the need to know ahead of time, and just go with it. But oh, how I suck at that.