12dpo, all things old are new again. kind of.

The peach?
MAGNIFICENT.

And eating it took a lot longer than 10 seconds and included juice dripping down my chin.


I am interested in memory, how it shifts, and how I re-discover things, see things as if for the first time, have Ah Ha! moments that I have had before and forgotten, reached conclusions I have reached before without realizing I am tracing the same paths over and over. I think OK now I KNOW something, but do I really? I forget it, put it aside, then find it again later and think OK! Now I ....
Yeah well.

Ahh the thrill of rediscovery. I think I might be doing that with my IVF clinic search. I might be searching and researching just to talk myself out of it. Fear of work disruption, fear of logistical complexity, fear of failure at a place with a better track record and a bigger price tag. Gosh darn.

I've done this before, and not too long ago-- my CCRM and Boston IVF consultations.

So--this time? Shady Grove: IVF until 43 y 11months. Hear ye hear ye
and 9,500 per cycle (since I am too old for shared risk, that ends at 39 for all you youngsters out there). Their stats are *fine*, not sure they are good enough to make me change clinics but I will go ahead and have a phone consult (sept 21st).
DE: Their shared DE program that I am interested in is their 1:3 (one donor per 3 recipients)-- 29,000 for 6 cycles, live take home baby or your money back. You can opt out at any time and get your money back if you just burn out. Max age? 51.

(none of this includes my meds or pretesting of course).

IVF New jersey is sending an info packet in lieu of answering my question more directly about eligibility (age limits) and costs for both IVF and DE.

Chicago AFC is next. (Thanks Onward!)

See, for me it is not just about stats, (they matter a LOT), it is about life too-- how to keep my boss happy while I try to do this surreptitiously (9 people in the company, the boss is The Boss), and also how to do this in a way that makes sense considering Everything. Ideally, I would be able to let this be my full time job- do this thing with all my time and energy, including resting and not always striving and panicking. But in real life, it is only one of the things I am doing. Which I hate, but is real.

Anyway, as I said, it is not just about stats, it is about logistics and finances and tradeoffs of time and travel and money and stats, and it is also about the experience I will have there. I wish I could be all clinical about this, but I am not, I am kate. I am tender and want to feel cared for and about. So this matters to me too.

But all of this is for later (not much later necessarily, but later). Next cycle we'll do a medicated cycle here-- with IVF as the intent, IUI as the backup. Hope the cysts are gone. My darlin' wants to give it a real go here and so do I, since we have not had a real IVF yet, not really, the first IVF was canceled with no eggs retrieved, the second canceled late stim with a lead follicle and was converted to an IUI that worked! for a while! with heartbeat! then we lost the pregnancy and my heart broke. But we have not done a proper true no kidding multiple eggs (or even one) retrieved IVF. It sure would be nice to try.

Of course, I would rather just be and stay pregnant already and not have to DO any of this other crap. It is now 12dpo, I've had only one urge to pee on a stick, an urge that passed. I think I feel resigned to failure this month, realistically. One egg at most, if that, crazy late ovulation, blah blah not sure how to feel, afraid to bother feeling hopeful. Know my temp will drop and that will suck and we'll be off again on the next cycle.
Still tired, still weird about food, still broken out, still headachy. Still emotionally tender/touchy/softhearted...

My bloodwork came back fine so I guess I have to deal with blueness that is blueness. Which I HATE. This truly messes with my sense of self. I think I am kate, a happy person, optimistic, buoyant, resilient. So to have a stretch where I feel so down sucks ass. Messes with my self perception (almost wrote self protection, hmmmmmmmmm).

So anyway,
about that Brett Favre...

On a different note, or maybe not, I realize that I write stuff again and again and again. I am so sorry. I repeat myself. And tend to be redundant at temporally infrequent intervals. Did I mention I am sorry about that? I can hear you all now, yeah yeah, foggy mountain, yeah yeah, blue kate, financial worry, shitty work stress, yeah yeah we know we know we know.

But I swear, in the moment I am writing, it does not matter if I wrote it before, it is what I am thinking and feeling. But I also realize it is probably not so great from a reader sensitivity perspective, unless you are into deja vu-ishness.

At 5am, the sky lightens just enough to see the trees separate from the sky, dark gray from dark gray. I have seen it every morning, sometimes at 4, sometimes at 7 depending on the season. I am sure I have written this before.
But this morning, the sky turned from charcoal to pearl, the trees from shadow to texture. And it feels like magic, like something brand new, and in that moment, I do not care if I have seen it before, if I noticed it before, and now, I will try not to care if I've written about it before. For me, in that moment, it was all brand new.

11dpo

Happy september everyone-- I am glad to be in the countdown of unfortunate anniversaries and just want to be on the other side of all of this.
I am not (ordinarily) a wish my life away person-- but this season has been particularly shitty and yes, I am holding out for mid september.

I am tired to the bone. Allergies? depression? long term hormonal flux? not sure-- want to say maybe pregnancy? but then I'll just be blowing sunshine up my own skirt and even with all of my yoga that would be quite a stretch. I did go to my GP last week and said I know it is probably depression, but can you just check me for other obvious issues that could cause this immense fatigue- and she and I talked for nearly 45 minutes, and she took a lot of blood and agreed with me, that it is most probably depression-- well earned I might add-- and that it is still worth ruling out other causes. Bless her. No results yet, but I feel better having asked.

No interest in food and it tastes weird or bad when I do eat. No cramping to speak of, no sore breasts, no thing... but tired, and headachy, broken out and emotionally tender-- oh right! these could all be pms. But the food thing is weird. and I am not a headache person and this is day 3 of this headache.

I will not pee on a stick until the end of the week I think, or maybe I will let my temperature tell the story.

My period is due saturday (but oh, remember the fun we had last month? so who the heck knows...) so I asked my clinic if the holiday weekend mattered for CD2 baseline stuff and they said go right ahead and call on day 1, you'll get a scan day 2-- might be up north, might be manchester, but there will be a scan. I already have half my meds (from last cycle's shortened stim portion of the program)-- so no delay there.

But, in the mean time
today is gloriously beautiful- and last night's moon! The shadows were so dark, the woods look so magical in moonlight-- bright as noon but monochromatic, dreamlike. It was still and chilly made me think of apples and falling leaves. But all is not beautiful, I also get a weird stomach clenching school dread when the temperature cools. What the hell is that??

My most recent 10 seconds of nowness and joy: fondling a ripe peach-- it is heavier than I would expect, ready to be eaten. It is pure yellow at the stem, falling to freckled amber on one side, burgundy on the other, the peach fuzz is pollen colored, a dusty yellow. I am trying to decide if I am ready to give it a try, fearing/expecting I will hate the way it tastes... yeah, so not very affirming but very very true. I usually love peaches but my tastebuds have been thoroughly hijacked.

Acupuncture tonight after a week off while they went on vacation- hoping for balance and a good night's sleep with no tortured dreams. It goes without saying that tortured dreams, no matter how fascinating and creative, truly suck rocks. I feel hungover from last night's epic trauma/drama dream, dogged, draggy. Ok people, off to step outside and stand in the sunshine and eat the peach.

things we love for 10 seconds at a time

In my quest to be more present, and to open myself to more joy, I've been trying to spend just 10 seconds really tuning into a moment, a sensation.. and I invited you to come along and try it out.

Here is what you shared:

music- really, really listening to the lyrics, and hearing hope there, and the wonder and power of Yes

imagination-- letting ourselves open to an idea or experience that we can imagine and connect with, one we would like to experience

clouds-- watching them pass slowly overhead

fully experiencing a wonderful sensory bath of yielding cushions, gentle breeze and humming fan

reading something thought and joy provoking (aww thanks!)

breathing, deeply and consciously, slowing down, and being in the moment
and reveling in successes, like really challenging ones of habit breaking...especially those right at our fingertips!

Thank you so much for sharing your ideas and experiences!
See? and what did it cost? 10 seconds. So worthwhile I think. I just hope I remember to do it!


I had a wonderful, healing energy balancing session last night that felt like the right key turned in the right lock and I am much better. I think the trifecta of taking care of myself through the intellectual and emotional side (therapy), the physical side (yoga) and the spiritual side (energy balancing)-- just the very act of doing these things has helped. I feel much less mired.

I have one more big hurdle to pass, one of those shitty anniversaries: September 11th for obvious reasons but also for much more personal reasons-- it would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. I just have to remember to keep taking care of myself and reaching out for help and support when I need it. Sometimes being or acting independent and strong is great, but sometimes it is bullshit and alienating, and sometimes it is nice to open myself up to feeling supported.

*

Remember how I said I was not really expecting success this cycle so the 2 week wait was sort of un-loaded? Still mostly true, but as I move into this sweet spot of potential implantation, I am aware of being aware, I am aware of being watchful, and hopeful, and on sort of an oblique I'm-not-really-peeking lalala symptom watch.
So, yeah, good intentions and all that. But I am not all wrapped up. Yet. Tonight I found myself being bad in a tiny little way (green tea with dinner)-- and realized I am kinda tired of doing all the right things (dhea, yoga, diet, no caffeine, acupuncture...) and having it not work, so apparently I was feeling like cheating just a tiny little bit.

So yes, countdown to the end of August, I will not miss you.
And count up to the next few weeks and overall September craziness.
But for now? For 10 seconds I will watch my darlin' while he's not looking, and just really enjoy being right here, right now.

no nonsense

Sorry for my silence and absence, but I have not really known what to say. I was lying in bed sunday night, looking at the white twinkle lights in the living room through the windows, and thinking how much better I feel sometimes after dark when my options are more limited. I cannot see the garden that needs weeding, or the roof I worry I might need to replace, or this that or the other thing. My scope gets closer, I can only see so far. I do not feel as torn to do this or that. But as my outside life gets simpler- but that is when my inside life gets a little more intense. That is when my demons walk around. I have been sleeping badly, having a hard time getting to sleep which never happens, I am used to waking, not having a hard time sleeping, but then when morning comes, I feel like shit, so bone tired, I wake sad. And this is so NOT ME. Not the me I know and like. This is like being hijacked by my not favorite self.

I spoke with Patricia, the IF therapist from NYC, last night, our inaugural conversation- she is sharp, people, sharp and direct and knowledgeable. She knows the lingo, the people, the places, she knows the struggles, she knows the stats, she is not someone who blows sunshine or who strives for warm fuzzies at all costs. She is human and funny and seemed to really get me, get the split between my brain and my heart. It was so great not to have to explain myself, to worry about spending time describing the technicalities.

I had homework, and I have done most already-- easy stuff, look up the stats for DE and IVF in IVF New Jersey (anyone here go there? they have some pretty amazing stats), write to CCRM and see if they are willing to tell me what protocol they would have used if I could have afforded to go there (um, no, thanks for asking, and no, there are no studies for women my age that I can take part in).

Patricia affirmed that that is the dream place, for almost anyone in any circumstances, and that they are doing amazing things. She goes to the conferences, she has met most of the players. It was interesting to have the inside view of both her professional opinion and then the additional insight from her work with patients.

I told her I did not know what I was really after in our conversations, just that I feel like shit. And that was ok too. In that moment, that felt like enough. I did not need a big clear agenda.


I hated going over my history, hate that it sounds horrible all condensed like that. I hate that I cannot just answer something groovy-- life has been great, I just waited too long-- instead there is this tangle of other plot lines, of having and losing and distrusting and waiting and wanting and hoping and having and losing and..... not all about babies, but it sucks to revisit the powerlessness of so much of it. The blind hope, and then.

So, that part sucked.

Now I am babbling so I will stop.
Just wanted to say hello. And to any of you who wonder if it is worth talking with her, I say a resounding yes- as long as you are not after warm fuzzies and gentle affirmation, this is more about acknowledging the suckitude, gathering information and taking action.

dungeons and dragons

My temp is up halfway this morning and my second line was fading fast when we got home so I think maybe I did ovulate yesterday sometime-- so the timing on the IUI was fine. It was our first unmedicated IUI and not at all fun. My cervix did not want to play along and it was ouchy and pinchy and crampy. Apparently drugs of any kind help with that. BUT it is over, and this two week wait feels pretty unloaded since I have no expectations that it might actuallly work (unlike the last one with the injectables where I really thought it might since it had before).
So hopefully I will not make myself insane riding the crazy rollercoaster of symptom watch and pee stick o rama. Just two weeks that need to pass before we begin again. Universe? Please feel free to surprise me in a happy way, I'd be ok with that.

The genetic news is not as clear cut as I hoped based on the phone conversation I had with the nurse pre-appointment yesterday.

While no variant was mentioned at all (leaving me to believe that it wasn't one) the mere fact of having now had a chromosomally abnormal embryo, my chances of having a little one with down syndrome (if by some miracle we do procreate) is now 1 in 26 from 1 in 40 for my age.
this sucks shit clearly.

The cost of knowing? higher stress I guess. A feeling that one less thing is ok-ish. But at least I know. Knowing or not knowing would not change the statistics, only my ability to respond to them intellectually or emotionally.

So.... that being said, I sure do wish it were different.

Statistics are crazy, I know it is all about populations and not individuals, but I also know it is the best predictive model we have for many things, and obviously the foundation of any sentence that starts with: the chances of ....

We have such long odds to get pregnant at all with IUI (even medicated)-- at most 4-5% (4-5 chances in 100) and we pray like crazy those odds will fall in our favor somehow. (This rises to 15% it IVF which is why I want to get back on That ride asap).

Then if pregnant, the odds shift in a lovely way- at that moment, even at my age it is more likely than less that we will have a real life take home baby (the chance of miscarriage for me at my age is around 40/100) and now this shitty chromosome bullshit of about 4/100 for down syndrome which seems like a very smal thing except it is also the same chance as getting pregnant in the first place.
Gah..

hope This falls that way
and That falls this way
and
hope hope hope hope hope
fucking crapshoot with dungeons and dragons dice.

Illanare bestowed upon me a Lovely Blog award for which I am grateful. And I have ignored it not to be mean or snooty but because I have been feeling so off, so unlovely, that I thought I would wait until I surfaced out of this morass. BUT in the spirit of trying to haul my ass out rather than waiting to float, here it is:



Thank you Illanare!
The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I've had some new and kindhearted commenters lately which have lead to me discovering their blogs. And while I am not out seeking new blogs since I want so much to provide the support (intermittent but sincere) to the posse that I began this public journey with-- I would like to acknowledge you kind folks:

Phoebe at Tales of the Phoenix
Pundelina at Pundelina Kafoops Lives Here
Billy at My Pathway to Motherhood
Peaches who has a private profile, but has sent such kind words...
And Illanare, of course. Thank you for finding me and for being so sweet.

I might have missed someone, and if so, it was not intentional.

Because I am kate I will not follow the rules entirely, of course, so I will not be leaving this in the comments-- BUT please know I am grateful.

Love to all of you who support me so often along this sometimes very shitty journey. Thank you for being out there.

progress

...and heartache. you know, since they so often come in pairs...

CD18 and for the love of all that is holy (thanks Sherrie!)

2 strongish lines, and, while not a surge yet, it will be. And the IUI is on for this afternoon since sometimes when things are this delayed, it happens quickly so says my supernurse.

I got a call yesterday with the results from the cytogenetic testing: trisomy 14

Yesterday's news was a little ambiguous. That while it was trisomy 14, apparently it was an unusual variant that they felt might indicate something more serious about our potential (or lack thereof) for reproductive success and that they strongly suggested we meet with the genetic counselor (GC) to talk about next steps which freaked me the fuck out to say the least. But today making the appointment, the GC told my coordinating nurse that I only have a slightly increased chance of this happening again over the general population of old ladies who are trying to get knocked up (my words not hers), but she could see why I would want to meet with her first. um. ok. we will then, and I will drop the alert to defcon 3.

But we have scheduled a meeting with the GC before the IUI this afternoon because I like to have my bases covered, you know, unless I am swimming.

onward.

Other progress:

IF therapist intake scheduled for monday evening with Patricia Mendell. Yes she is in NYC and she does phone sessions and could not come more highly recommended. ( http://www.patriciamendell.com).

Energy balancing scheduled for thursday evening (www.nowhealing.com), Elma is a sweetheart people, she makes me feel calm and cared for, 25 minutes of bliss. Suspend disbelief and try it once. I do not care why it works. I do not care that it feels odd to have someone talk about energy blocks. But if you can wax metaphoric, it is so worth it.

I wrote to Shady Grove (whose name so much sounds like a cemetery I swear it sounds like a joke) to talk with their shared risk DE coordinator to start to find out if I can qualify, but she is on vacation until the 25th. But hey, I made contact! I also asked my group here at Dartmouth if they would coordinate monitoring as needed if I do a DE cycle elsewhere when the time comes and the answer was yes.

My happy moment today (besides the second line and the GC saying nothing alarming yet) was my amazing coordinating nurse sort of letting it drop that she spent 21 years as a lactation consultant in labor and delivery, and also has been a Doula for some folks, and I exclaimed I would beg shamelessly when the time came and she said she would be honored. How cool is that?

First of all: I really really like her. She is human and humane and sharp and smart and funny. Second: it was as if we both believe I will be pregnant.

Yesterday sucked shit- I hated those conversations about genetics and my miscarriage. I hate that it happened and hate that it could happen again.

And last night sucked shit-- I realized that so much of this makes me feel old and broken and I am really neither in general and I DO NOT LIKE IT. It does not feel true to who I am.

But today I am home for an hour or two, then I'll head north for the festivities of the day. Hope I do not learn anything too scary from the GC, and hope we go forward with the IUI. I am ready to be on to the next thing, oddly looking forward to the two week wait.

Oh-- before I forget: THANK YOU

Michele- I will ask for the gender of our baby in an envelope and put it with the ultrasound photo, you are very right. I want to have it, even if I do not want to know it.

And Mad Hatter-- goodness, and I call myself creative? I never thought for ONE MOMENT I could "workshop" here on my own (even though I have in the past)- I was so stuck in the Workshop or Work mode of thinking, I never for one moment thought-- ok, if I don't go, I can be here doing things I love and that feed me creatively! So THANK YOU, sincerely,for reminding me of stuff I should have figured out on my own if my head was not quite so far up my ass.

Not at work not at work not at work

and pretty darn relieved (dare I say happy?) about that.

thanks for listening.

plan shmlan

CD17
ferchrissakes
and just
one
friggin
line
on the OPK pee stick

So...............................
WTF? I don't meant that loudly, more like a sigh.

Schedule shmedule, I do not even know what this week looks like, I don't know why I am bothering to stress out about September. That seems crazy.

Four decisions:
I contacted a therapist who specializes in IF stuff courtesy of my dear friend A who has been trying to get me to talk to this person for what is actually now probably years. She is in NY, I am in NH. She does phone consults, praise the gods/goddess/all that is. I do not know what I am looking for. I do know I feel like crap. My therapist here is wonderful, but (and) this is not her specialty. So....

I also decided to do another energy balancing with Elma. I do not care why it works to make me feel better, it just does. I owe myself that.

And I called the doctor yesterday to find out the results of the cytogenetic testing on my miscarriage, and I hope and do not hope that they will call me back. I do not want to know. I do not want to think about it or talk about it or anything. But, on the slim chance it was something I need to know about, I have decided to pretend to be brave and get the report... but I do not want to know the gender, I do not want to reconnect like that right now to what might have been. It is all I can do to read blogs of lovely folks who were cycling near me that month, whose bellies are now big, and whose babies are moving. I do all I can NOT to imagine that that might have been me, if only....

And finally, after looking ahead to september, I decided I do not have to do anything right this moment. I may have to schedule something for work sometime soon, but I do not have to do that right now.
For the rest, I can wait until my period comes or doesn't. I do not have to cancel the art workshop just because it is the one thing I have control over. I do not have to freak out about it. Canceling today or one day before have the same outcome-- so just in case I can go, I want to leave that option open as long as I can. I will buy paints and brushes as if I am going.

Yes folks I feel like crap
but there is this one VERY good thing:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANE!!

regret management

CD15
still just 1 line
A note from my sweet nurse, Sharon, said the cyst may be wreaking petite havoc with ovulation, that is maybe why the delay-- and it is good to have a "why", a reason, since otherwise I start to wonder about the voracity of my own personal persecution complex.

My heart is feeling shitty still, and last night was a fragile one. Yes, work is hard right now, but I spent a lot of time talking and thinking and really, it is so many other things too that are causing the backdrop feeling of overwhelmedness. It is all of it, not just one thing. The bitch of it is, that there is not much I can do about This without horribly impacting That. And this inability to find a solution is extra hard. I am screwed either way. This, like so much, is about regret management. What will I regret less?

My darlin' and I talked about what's next, since the hourglass feels like it is running fast, and these next few months will move by so quickly. Dartmouth will not cycle with me with my eggs after 43. I imagine they may consent to unmedicated IUIs but otherwise...
So we talked about donor eggs, and I will be in touch with Shady Grove- we will need to finance this no matter what, and they offer the best program in terms of number of chances for the same cost as a single cycle here. I am not ready, I am not. But I will lay the ground work so I will not only know what is likely next, but know what is involved, already know how we might pay for it, know the next steps, and have the folks there know me. My darlin' had a good point, come February, why wait? Let's just move forward.

I just want this to work, internet people, I really do. I just want to get pregnant and stay pregnant for the correct amount of time, give birth to a healthy being, be healthy myself, fall into the day by day, moment to moment learning of a never-before-parent and curse the day I thought this was a good idea... I want ice cream and kites and sidewalk chalk and screaming craziness in the supermarket. I want sugar crashes and ugly plastic toys from neighbors and a teddybear that cannot be washed.

I do not want my little pony, but I will cross that bridge when I must.

Leaves are starting to change color in the swampy spots and on the branches that are broken from last year's storm. It is odd to look out through the august haze and see red maple leaves falling. But I have learned that seasons overlap, that cicadas start to buzz and hum way before I am ready, and that not everything happens when I want it to.

my own inconvenient truths

Surfacing, but still scattered. I am trying to sweep pieces up with my bare hands, and keep having to pick out slivers that make me bleed, leave me bruised. But the month is passing.
I am the kind of bone tired that if I did not know me better, I would worry. I would say: anemia? virus? But I know it is just the weight of things. Time is passing, it will get better.

CD14 and no second line on the OPK yet.
At this point, my next cycle (see my cynicism?), my september cycle will fall exactly wrong for my plan to attend squam art workshops and my need to attend a conference, october will fall exactly wrong for my annual writing trip to maine with my dear friend Tammy...both fun things are already paid for, both are non-refundable.
Each day that slips by moves the whole schedule forward into the "damn it, will I be able to leave the art workshop for an insemination/ET or should I not even go? what the hell will I tell my boss about the conference? in october, will I be able to get ultrasounds and bloodwork in Bangor?
I do not like to think of this whole bullshit ride as one of convenience or inconvenience. It is what it is. It needs to happen. It is not predictable. But it impacts my job every time I need to be somewhere or cannot go somewhere, and this is exactly the wrong time to be saying "no" economically speaking. The un-fun conference is a command performance, I opted out, thought I was off the hook, but my boss opted me back in. To say no, to back out will be a big problem.
But, the biggest but, the but that drives all else: I cannot afford to skip cycles. I have, at most, 5 left.
I am now officially 42.5. I will play this out until I am 43 with my own eggs. I wish I could win the lottery and go farm eggs in Colorado until we know we have a handful or two of good ones to put back in. But instead we have to just take one cycle at a time, and make the most of each cycle while we can.
This cycle will result most possibly in an IUI these next few days if the surge ever happens. I do not even have a ghost of a second line on those sticks yet. And I never ovulate late-- often I ovulate early. Just going to show that the only thing I can count on in this journey is that whatever I would like, whatever would have been convenient (just this once), it sure as hell will be different than that.

sadness and protocols

I am still shaken to the core for Mo and Will and their loss. Truly devastated. I put so much hope in success for you all-- I truly do. And I swear, if there were points to be had for tenacity and resilience, goodness gracious, they would win some sort of prize. I cannot imagine it, Cannot and do not want to.

Some of you have asked kindly about the lack of protocol this month, this month of LH surge and IUI. My clinic offered monitoring and triggering if I wanted it (after I asked)-- but the truth seems to be that since I do surge, there is no statistical benefit in triggering. It would only be helpful if I never had a detectable surge. Otherwise, literature says there is a better chance of success with my body doing the work rather than the hCG trigger--
Granted, the odds truly suck either way. But by doing the IUI at least I feel I am doing something to improve the chances over a natural cycle.
I talked to my darlin' about it all since he is discourged too, since even clomid IUIs never worked for us. He will help me decide if we need to do something differently, but to be honest, the papers I read indicated no improvement with triggering for a non--super-ovulatory cycle so I am not feeling compelled.

As I said a few days ago, this month is one of survival, of grief management, of distraction. The TTC thing, while present, is not consuming this month. The lack of injections helps it take a back burner since most days this month, I will "need" to do absolutely nothing-- just wait, just be. And that is too bad really, since I could use it being consuming this time around.

Odd how I bitch about it one month, and long for it the next. Sillykate.

Yeah, August. You may bite me.

August

So today I did the baseline stuff. I'll skip the details and cut to the chase: one whopping big 17mm follicle on my left, and a second only slightly less whopping follicle on the same side says.....no meds for me this time around.
The right ovary had about 5-6 normal sized ones, so that was heartening for next time.

So, this will be a "natural" LH surge/ unmedicated IUI cycle if all goes well and if a surge is detected. One never knows, damn pee sticks feel like the enemy at the moment.

And yeah, you know how I thought I was taking this ok? Good old pragmatiKate? um, not so much. It caught up with me last night, tears flowed all over my sweetie's shoulder, and he was good enough to just hold me tightly. Hear me roar.


I am struggling anyway this season. I hate August. I do not use the word hate lightly. In fairness, some very very good things have happened in August. Jane was born in August for example, a wondrous occurrence that we should all celebrate just because it made the world a better place just to have her in it, and I celebrate beyond that because by knowing her I learned what love could feel like at its very best even if I was stupid about it at the time. August is when the president was born. And when my sweet darlin' was born too. So see? not all of August is bad. But for me it is a quagmire of memory, of losses on so many levels, a time when my marriage came apart, when I lost my husband to suicide, when I came apart so fully I was sure that there was no way to ever ever put myself back together. And in some ways I was right, I am not the same person as before. This one, this one is different. I like to think of the cracks as something beautiful, the glue as evidence of strength, the holes as openness to new things, the stains as evidence of mistakes I will not be making again.

But the slant of the light and the milky sky, the moon rising, the smell of the air, the sounds of late summer insects, the feel of everything, they all conspire to take me right back and I am floundering, trying to stay present in the NOW of my wonderful life. But all the sticky fingers of memory pull me back again and again and again and it is such an effort to extricate myself. So I feel sloggy and heartsick and like I just want to sleep through these next few weeks and wake up whole.


BUT sisterlove starting tomorrow with a nice long visit, a wonderful, timely distraction. This next week is the worst and then I'll be out the other side. I try not to give it this power, but it is stupid of me to deny what I feel even when I so much want to feel differently.

So yes, a hard time. A time that will pass again. I am buoyant and inherently positive, but I know this dance. I don't like it much. Sadness and I are well acquainted but we are not good friends. I know there are gifts, there almost always are. But the cost.
Oh, the cost.