booklove

Ok sweet people--Thank you!
Sarah, thank you! I have never heard of Unaccustomed Earth, and IF Optimist, I have never heard of The Eight. Melissa-- I loved Middlesex and Water for Elephants but have not read the others on your list (thank you for stopping by! Love your Happy news). Nic, I really enjoyed His Dark Materials and have not heard of the other trilogy, can't wait to check it out-- and EB, The Bone People is one of my favorite favorites ever but have not heard of Away... So I welcome your suggestions heartily and am very excited! Thank you all!

The universe gave me a gift today-- it delivered a copy of a daily pregnancy journal that I ordered back when it was relevant. I decided to look at it as a good sign. I decided it will be relevant again soon.

And the verdict is.....

... since I just do not stim well enough to make IVF a good option, we're on to IUI#5, with injectables... to start with my next period (break out the white slacks). Another max dose gonadtropin + antagon cycle which is fine- many less days of injections and no birth control pills. Subcutaneous injections (thankfully not intramuscular again), until the trigger.

5% chance of success, but hey, it worked once.

Hear me roar.

Colorado consult tuesday of next week-- and perhaps that will result in a plan B, and you know me, I am all about options. I am ready to get going, I just don't want to sit a cycle out if I don't have to.

PS: Thank you for your sweet comments and book suggestions! Please keep 'em coming, this summer is bound to be chock full of 2 week waits.

agnostiKate and the babyspirit

The wind is rustling the leaves today, a background shhhhhhhhhhh that is almost like water. And this morning's blue blue sky has given over to clouds. This is where I take solace, in slices of sky and the crazy green of cinnamon ferns unfurling in my back clearing, in the big moon rising last night, or as I hiked yesterday, noticing the blueberries have set fruit, and the crazy calliope song of the woodthrushes that makes my heart flutter that I listened to the entire hike. On the far hills that I can see from the top, I can see every single birch tree standing out against the green, each trunk bent and curved under the memory of the weight of last winter's ice storm. They will not straighten again. Once bent like that, bowed under sustained weight, they stay bowed.

Right now I am having a moment of stillness after fits and starts of non-linear activity. Moment by moment, the sun dapples through and is blanketed again by clouds. At the end of every hemlock branch, I see there is a light green cluster of needles, new growth. 

House has been cleaned and vacuumed and swiffered and the toilet has been scrubbed, laundry has been done and done and done, flowers transplanted, garden weeded and watered, trellis reinforced, mortgage refinanced, hills hiked, legs shaved, toenails painted and I still feel as if I need to DO something. I am rereading harry potter, from the beginning since book 6 (where I was in my previous re-read) was just too dark for my current tender mood. I needed escape, and something that will not make me cry.  And so far, this is working just fine. But it will only last so long: I am open to book suggestions. 

I am not manic, just trying to manage this time of in-between. I am about 5 days away from my period, most likely. I imagine it will come friday or saturday. I am no longer harboring fantasies of being pregnant this month by miracle or divine intervention.  My temperature rise has been too sustained. And ovulation was too early, before we were cleared for sex. 

But I look forward in some odd way to getting my period, and feeling as if things are working. Tomorrow we may know more about what's next.  Our RE appointment is at 10. I am already belly-flutteringly butt-tinglingly nervous, as if it is an interview for a job I need to get. My blood work this week showed the hCG falling but not fallen-- 21 is clearly not under 5. So I will re-do the bloodwork this week. I am not sure we can proceed until it is low enough, but maybe I'll get lucky. And still, and yet, I am not sure what the RE will agree to. He had said he was done. BUT as sweet Sarah from For the Flavor (now in her 20th week!) so sweetly pointed out, maybe he will be willing to try something after all since we did, in fact, conceive. And he agreed to meet with us. So, I am hopeful and scared. 

As for my heart, the low grade blueness has been pretty sustained. But during mediation during yoga this past thursday, I did a little visualization- put it out there to the universe that I am ready to connect with babyenergy, or whatevertheheckIshouldcallit, and I was looking waaaaay up, imagining looking up into the clouds and not really expecting anything, just being. And then I heard a snarky little "hello!  I'm right here!"  from right in front of me, from an arm's reach from my belly. And I felt like one of those times where someone is pointing at something excitedly and you look too far away at the horizon wondering what it is you're supposed to see and almost get hit by a bus.

And I was hit instead by quiet relief. And an odd kind of quiet peace-- and I asked questions, of course, because that is what I do-- and I got the answers, of yes, this will be hard but not as hard.  I also kind of felt another presence behind me, shyer, much less snarky/playful/inyourface... so I am not sure what it means or what it is or whatever, but, I do know this: I felt better. I feel better. And my blueness pretty much just vanished.

So, poor agnostiKate says this: I don't care what or why or if or whatever. I am not going to let my brain's desire to call it all complete bullshit undermine and erase it.  I just am glad I feel better. Ok little snarky spirit, we're on. Just please don't make it too hard.

still point

Apologies for not making a link in my previous post --EB, CCRM is Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine, and they are known for working with troublesome older folks such as myself with great success at great cost. And sweet Maredsous, since I am in New Hampshire the initial consultation will be over the phone-- so rescheduling is as easy as changing which day I need to be by the phone and letting work know. (If it had been a plane ticket I would be crazed. Oh, wait, I am crazed. Need to find something else to blame....)

Since the Colorado option whateveritmaybe will take considerable planning and scheduling and will require more thinking depending on the suggestions they make for treatment considering my lack of response. It may simply be that we cannot afford it. And it may be that they say donor eggs or not at all, in which case I will wait and do more treatments locally if I can.
And, summertime is my darlin's busiest season, so that matters too.

In the interest of getting on with it, I've decided that whatever our doc will support us in doing, we will do-- and we will do it the next cycle he allows it. And I also realized that I am ok just asking for IUIs if he does not want to do IVF. I would ask for monitoring and triggering just to make the most of it, but he could say no to that too. In any case, I will take what I can get as soon as I can get it.

I hate not knowing really where the hell I am in my cycle. Hate it. Watching the BBT do it's thing, but why no LH? Not enough to darken a line worth mentioning at all this month. I started wayyyy early. And nothing. I do not think I would have such a nice BBT chart if I did not ovulate. And, if the chart is to be believed, we missed it. BUT I swear if I did not think it was impossible I would wonder if I am pregnant. Unfortunately pmsy stuff feels a lot (for me) like early pregnancy stuff... so my belly and guts feel weird, I feel weird, and am really tired and out of it.

I will get my hCG and prolactin levels today (**got them, hCG 21, prolactin 25**) most likely from yesterday's bloody blood draw. My last two have soaked through gauze, the one last week also soaked through two shirts in a very horror movie sort of way. After yesterday's I was more alert and kept my sleeve pulled up, and it only soaked through the wad of gauze.

So anyway, I assume my weirdness is PMS (but my heart wishes something else). I am eager for monday's meeting and also scared he will say he does not suggest/will not support treatment that includes my eggs. I am not ready to hear I am done in that way. And yes, I want to speak with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM, because I want to hear from someone who has a lot of experience treating folks like me.


Ok, yesterday I posted the "baby" opportunity card from my tarot. It makes different sense in context. So here's the challenge card:

the Builder
Structure, boundaries, foundation

You are being challenged to make decisions through intellectual reasoning, rather than your emotions or intuition. Ask yourself: "What am I building? Are the foundations of my life based on strong structures? Are my boundaries clear and well tended?" You are being challenged to take responsibility for a project where you have authority over others, and where your leadership skills can shine. What kind of a leader do you want to be? Do you lead by example or by dominating? Are you secure enough in your own abilities that you can share power with others? Do you take into account the longterm consequences of the decisions that you make?

And the resolution:

the Wheel
Cycles and seasons

Resolution comes with change. One part of a cycle is becoming another. What is passing away in your life right now, and what is coming into being? Where do you stand right now on the Wheel? Can you see that what is happening does not happen in isolation, but is part of a pattern? Sometimes the change that is coming is obvious and striking. More often, it creeps up on us when our attention has been elsewhere — the trees are suddenly bare and we didn't even notice when the first leaves began to fall. So this card also challenges us to be mindful. Keep track of the cycles of the sun and moon, which mirror our own inner cycles. If things seem chaotic and disorderly in your life, focus on the still point of the turning wheel. Remember that with prayer and the magic of sustained focus, all things are possible.

Ahh sweet inquiry....

opportunity

Just a quick post today-- late yesterday I asked Gaian for another tarot (my first since before the pregnancy), you know, just because I am exploring other ways at looking at things.
I asked about Baby-- did not know how to couch the question so it ended up being just that.
And while I will not share the whole thing here at the moment-- Death is the opportunity card. This time I read the whole thing.

Death
Dying and being born

You have the opportunity to become aware that while something in your life is dying, something else is nearing its time to be born. Take the time that you need to grieve for that which is dying, whether it is a cherished dream, a relationship or a belief system. Don't rush the process or deny all your turbulent feelings. Death isn't pretty; it hurts. It's painful. Whatever dies, is dead, and it will never return again in the same form. But just as the Dark Moon gives way to the New, and Winter gives way to Spring, Rebirth will surely follow Death. When you are ready to let go of grief, you will find yourself emptied out and clean, and ready for the next stage of your journey.

CCRM rescheduled for the 16th. We see the local RE on monday.

emotional exhaustion and the royal road

So, I went to counseling last night for the first time since the miscarriage. I have been finding solace in body-centered work these days, hiking, yoga, sleeping, making a lap for the cat... but talking? Not so much. It feels almost re-traumatizing. But last night I wanted to kind of get it all out, talk about what sucks and what is working. And try to gird my loins (indeed) for whatever is to come.

As a semi verbal person, I know I can bullshit myself with my talk talk talk talk talk about all that is or is not working and why, and I can sound all clever and insightful and like I am working on it, but it is bullshit. I rarely allow myself to feel it, to be with it, and then, to truly face and start to address or change it.

I told Connie, my sweet therapist, that I felt blue, and I started with the talk talk. Maybe it is the old grief, maybe it is the crazy hormones, or the lack of sleep or maybe

it is because this really, really, really sucks.

Ha. In that moment, I realized something I had not truly realized-- that of course I feel blue. There is nothing wrong with me that I do, it is a perfectly justifiable response to something that deeply and truly sucks. And I also reasserted to my stubborn self that feeling blue is not the same thing as being blue. It is something that I feel, it is not who I am.


Today I read about angel-voiced Susan Boyle being hospitalized for "emotional exhaustion" and thus began a quick internet search as to what the heck that is. Wikipedia has a good overview of what appears to be the job burnout interpretation, but I am interested in the concept more generally. What does it mean to be emotionally exhausted?

So-- I stumbled across this link which reframes depression as emotional exhaustion. It is from whence this little gem comes:

"Grief is a profound, painful, complex response to a major loss the loss of a loved one, of a relationship, of physical health or competence, of a life goal, of a community. Grief often involves powerful emotions, e.g., anger, sadness, forgiveness, hatred, confusion, moments of new clarity. These emotions can be contradictory and yet follow in swift succession. Despite rational inconsistencies, each emotion reflects a partial truth. Grief can shock and confuse us. We may have emotions that we did not know ourselves capable of and that may be in conflict with our values and self-identity.

Grief may frighten us because we cannot control the experiences and we may fear they will define us; for example, we might worry that once we begin crying, we will never stop. Grief confronts our deepest values. We must confront who we are now, and what is important in life now without this relationship, or that career, or life situation. We must confront our sense of meaning; what is the meaning or importance of life now? No one likes to go through this process and we may minimize or deny it. But blocking a genuine emotional need does not make it disappear. Furthermore the effort to avoid important emotions, such as grief, will result in psychological exhaustion. Grief, which can be resolved, is replaced by depression which cannot be directly resolved. Ironically, while grief often confronts us with our greatest psychological challenge, it holds the possibility of change and increased self-understanding. Grief can be a royal road to meaning and wisdom."

So, there. I remember last time I grieved so deeply, it took weeks and months to realize there were gifts in it. AND THERE ARE-- remember all those many days ago (a lifetime, say, like, 3 weeks or so) when I said next time I would revel? If that is not a gift, I am not sure what is.

I am intrigued as hell by the idea of shifting self definitions-- I face this all the time. I say to myself, I can't do that, I never... or I always... or I am.... and quite a while ago, I started to ask myself if this is still true? It may be, but maybe, just maybe it isn't. And wouldn't it be cool to see roads open up where there were none before?

Having changes things-- and so does losing. It can clarify and muddify, it can make stronger or break things into pieces too tiny to mend.... but the one thing I know for sure: it does not leave things as it found them.


So on this day, this one, I am trying to see myself for what I am and where I am, not what I wanted and what I lost. Trying to peel away the pile of shoulds that stick and sting like nettles. I am succeeding in 2 nanosecond increments but, you know? That is better than I expected.

rice-a-roni

I was writing to sweet Magsy of Grade A and realized that perhaps a big part of my pain here is that it feels like I dreamed it. I made it up. It never happened.

There was so much about getting pregnant that felt impossible, the odds, the conversion, the intensity of my sadness the day we did the hail mary, rice-a-roni (thank you for playing, here's your parting gift) IUI.

The positive test was pure joy, no question. I jumped up and down and squealed like a girl. Very unlike me.

But then, then there was my inability to believe it was actually true, that it was actually happening. Except for the exhaustion and my expanding waistline, it felt impossible. I just simply could not believe it. And then we saw the heartbeat. But in the interest of full disclosure, by then (the weekend prior) I felt I had lost the connection with the babyspirit (I do not know what else to call it), and that flicker on the screen, miraculous, wonderful, amazing, did not feel truly real either. It almost felt outside of me. (There, up on the screen, not here, inside of me right this very moment).

But then a few weeks passed and I tried so hard to be open to creating a different connection with the baby and I almost felt I was succeeding.
And I felt bigger. My body started to change in ways that others could see. I started to imagine this working anyway, even without my complete trust that it would. I counted the days until I would be done with the first trimester and could relax a little. I bought maternity pants. I imagined that little flicker. And then that day of the 9w scan when I expected to see everything was ok, and that it was me who was making worry out of nothing, that ultrasound, that flicker free 6w sac... oh yes, the miscarriage felt real. I felt such immense loss that it was only my previous experience with big grief that let me know I would survive it and not just disintegrate into a billion pieces.

But now, a mere 3+ weeks later, it feels impossible. Not the loss, but the having.

I am not saying this well.

I think this is part of my struggle-- having had something and losing it. But the hole is also from my lack of feeling that it was really happening. I feel like I missed it.

Today I re-read Dooce's post on her 2007 miscarriage.
And now I get it in a way I certainly did not at the time.

And then I read her uplifting and hopeful piece on her current pregnancy that made me feel like things are possible. In part she says:

"I think I've realized that most of the mechanics of this process are out of my control, and while I can ensure that I am physically and emotionally as healthy as I can be, a lot of this is left up to the mercy of nature. And I have experienced an almost overwhelming sense of freedom and calm in letting myself go to that notion."

Right after my miscarriage, my mom told me something a doctor had told her when she was carrying me and bleeding heavily (and she is pretty sure she lost a twin)-- she said her doctor told her that when this is going to work there is almost nothing you can reasonably do to mess it up, and when it isn't, there is nothing you can do to change that either.

Dooce seems to have plugged into the first point, and me? I have to make sure I somehow don't become paralyzed in fear of point #2.

Made the appointment with CCRM for a consult next week after our meeting with our RE.
Am wondering too about SIRM, anyone have experiences at any of their clinics? They seem to have a wide range of protocols they consider for folks like me.

I was sold on medicated IUIs, but having scared myself with shitty statistics and commentary about lack of success for folks my age, I am reevaluating.