Reprieve

Thank you for your lovely comments on the last post and hello new people! Dear B. had a really good point about perspective, that while we can get distracted looking too far and miss the beauty up close, and we can get lost looking too close and the long perspective is the one that needs remembering. I think the main thing for me is to try to stay open, to keep fluid. I tend to feel rigid pretty easily, fragile, brittle, stuck. And so for me, so much is about trying to be flexible and staying present. Challenging!

Today's meeting with Dr 0? Surprising.

A 45 minute wait (no surprise after reading your blogs about other IF clinics and their wait times)...then, into the office with the very polite Doc and a nice student who will be a great doctor if his technical skills are anything like his excellent people skills.

Dr. O reviews our history (I brought a copy with me, ta da) asks some questions then immediately begins talking about protocol, long lupron to suppress since I tend to stim quickly, talks about adding medrol at retrieval, talks about another medication I need to look up, starts talking dates and day 21 and day 1 and day 2 baseline and stims and

wait I say, not wanting to really, but needing to (really),

Ok so we're talking IVF here? So there is nothing in my testing that makes this a really bad idea (crazy)? (Basically, why are you not talking to me about donor eggs?)

So I bring up donor eggs, and tell him what my last clinic said, and how I felt and....

and he says, well, donor eggs, if you want to go that way, you'll get a 50-60% chance of success per cycle, so if you need to maximize your chances of success this cycle, do donor eggs. A cycle with your own eggs? 5% chance of success. Let me know if and when you want to do donor eggs, but let's talk protocol.

And

so

wow.

What this felt like was a reprieve, a chance to do the one last cycle the way I wanted to. Mind#1 (the rational) says waste of money, crazy, won't work, Mind#2 (the one more tightly associated with the heart) says WHOO HOOO Bring it ON!

and

so, we talked with the surprisingly nice nurse (signed consent forms), talked with the finance lady (and also talked with her about the cost and financing of donor eggs, unlike what I thought I understood they have no shared risk plan and their DE service includes the necessity to work with agencies... and there is a lot of uncertainty about the final cost so....)

So at this point? We begin lupron on sunday. Yes. This sunday.

5 units not 10 per day. Trying to keep things from running away like they tend to do (I tend to stim quickly and often have a few frontrunners). Then? CD2 baseline and if all is well (please let there be some antral follicles and no cysts) start stims (higher dose than what I've had) plus lupron to keep things in check.

no shit.

I might even be pregnant before my birthday. You know, a girl can dream.

IN THE MEANTIME AND IN PARALLEL we will be exploring donor egg programs and options nearby (the shadygrove shared risk program with in-house donor pool looks dreamy except for the fact it is so far away and will eat my vacation days like potato chips). I can't remember, anyone here work with reproductive centers of new england?

So, we'll work in parallel. This one last cycle with my eggs will allow us to feel that we tried everything. Dr O thinks we have learned a lot from the other cycles. The protocol is just different enough to make me think hmmm... maybe? And then we can move on without that lingering feeling that we did not try everything we could.

Insane? Yes, but shit, this all is. But for my psyche? My heart? This matters.

It was so incredibly nice to have a decision (any decision) feel calm and clear and cool and right.

So universe? thank you for a second chance at reaching closure on My terms.

battling urgency

I've been conversing with my magnificent friend Karen about Urgency, that feeling that you have to do something (decide something, invent something, go somewhere, make a change) Right Now.

And it has been an interesting exercise letting that go a little bit. Sort of a hurry up and wait way of transmuting it into something less laden with adrenaline and built-in craziness. And so now, as I feel the RIGHT NOW alarm go off, and I say, Really? Right now? or can I wait a while? Can I breathe first?

And you know what?

it makes room for me to not be totally reactive, totally desperate, both of which work always and forever against my highest and best.

So I am learning to wait. And the transformation is amazing to watch-- ideas/choices/actions that feel critical and obvious end up feeling open to interpretation. I feel that each time I wait, even if it is for a breath, I am making space for other options, other information, including learning how I really feel at a deeper level once the panic of I-must-do-this-now-or-all-will-be-lost stops.

I hiked today, and it was magical- diamond snow sparkling everywhere, the only footprints on the trail, mine and a rabbit that followed all the way up the hill, squirrels, two deer throughways, and a mouse tunnel....

The sky was the kind of blue that looks crazy, bluer than any sky I have ever seen. And the wind, whistling, pushing, pulling, forcing my face into stillness and my breath into clouds that were pulled away faster than I could see them.

I stood up at the overlook, with the wind and a chickadee, I made a snow angel, and then instead of looking out at the glory of the bare hills, the deep dark green of the pointy pines, the roll of the land, I turned around and looked at the bare scrub of the bushes, the trees in hibernation, the snowballs held in the lee arms of the pines. I let my eyes play with the snow, see the blue of the shadows, because you know what? Even though there is such immense beauty out there, over there, on that far hill, or at that horizon, there is such beauty right here, right here where I am standing. And it felt so good to honor that as well.

the Catheter, the Speculum, and the Wand

Honestly, it is hard to know what to write after yesterday's fabulous news of Sprogblogger's positive, and then Eileen's too! Damn ladies, almost nothing makes me happier than when one of us gets (and stays) pregnant. It delights me and fills up my heart. Thank you!

I had a shit day yesterday besides all that bliss, felt off kilter and spent the day chasing myself in circles. Got really badly lost in Boston, long stupid story, got found, got two, count'em two, hystosonogram catheter threadings, two. Why two? Because it hurt so badly the first time she stopped part way during attempt#1 in hopes it was in far enough. Nope. So, out it came, and in the next one went (you know, along with its friends, the Speculum and the Wand)-- that time, it went as far as it needed to, I was hot pink and sweating, and then, it was a bunch of wand waving, and hip lifting, images taken and printed and then I was done and outta there with a "cavity" that was pronounced "beautiful" and "open" and "clean" and my lining is tri-whatever and all that is Very good stuff.

Sore, and glad that is over.

So, next step, ovulation planned for this weekend (saturday night, say, around 2am--ha! yeah, no.) Then monday afternoon's meeting with Dr. O, where I need to remember the test results are objective, but the interpretation and conclusion are often subjective and all that. But really? I am curious about the results AND the interpretation. Hope I do not cry.

HAPPINESS

So happy for sprogblogger's positive that I could bust.

Seriously now.

SO HAPPY!

home safe

I am home safe and sound as of this evening, just as darkness fell.

My lip is healing and my finger is totally back to normal.

In spite of the hazards large and small (small and furry), we had a good time even though we froze. So good to get away from work, away from house upkeep and panic, from the daily dailyness of the fertility shite.

But, now that I'm back, it all comes back in a rush. I am trying to remember to breathe. Tomorrow afternoon I have the sonohystogram down at Boston- so that is something to look forward to having be over... I did not like my last one one bit, pretty much hate having anything threaded up my cervix, and this time? Since they've not done this with me before, they do not know the territory and have no notes to help them and I am just simply hoping that it will be ok.

I have so much to write about but find words are slow in coming tonight- I can say this: it is good to be home, favorite mug filled with hot water, cat on shins, in my own crazy orange room with white christmas lights sparkling and a very clear sky filled with stars just out side.

New snow and stillness. I really am happy to be here.

Looking forward to catching up with all of you.

kate vs wildlife

I suppose I should begin by saying that I have this fantasy that all wild creatures should recognize me as a kind and gentle person and come from the woods into my clearing to frolic with me. This is not a disney thing since I grew up largely without it, but more of a deep and abiding love of creatures great and small.

So on a walk yesterday, a squirrel came over looking inquisitive so I bent down, and it came closer! I bent down farther and then it came even closer instead of running back into the woods.

I put my hand out and it came over and sat up in front of me

it put it's little paws on my finger and looked at me imploringly-- i read it as -- LOVE me kate, you know you want to! so my heart melted just a little and then it bit my finger hard enough to snap me back into the reality of unrequited love, and Poor Doug did not laugh but I have no idea how not. Later, he said he needed NEEDED to talk with someone who would understand so he called my sister.

My sister then sent me a link to a website with "dangers of florida" and while it does include things like scorpions, water snakes and alligators, fails to mention the wily and suavely seductive squirrel. I feel so used.

Just so we're clear about how much of a leg I do not have to stand on about the cold: it has not been much above 50 if it has at all, and the wind is really cold. But the sun is warm so I am all sunblocked and bundled up. I am managing better now that I am not fighting reality here, yes, it is cold and often really really cold (low 30s at night). but at home? 10 and snowing and blowing so I will now shut up about it.

brrr

Yeah yeah, I know I do not have a beach chair to stand on here, but dang it is cold. Bundle up in all your clothes that you brought because you thought it was going to be warm cold.

Ha. I am in a turtleneck. And long pants. And wool socks. And when we head out, I'll be in two light jackets and a scarf too. So much for warm. But we do have sand, and palm trees, and the sun setting over the gulf. And pelicans. And no snow. So I should shush.

But warm? not so much. Because of the unexpected cold and the kate, I have been feeling pretty brittle rather than relaxed which sucks rocks. BUT away counts for a lot.

I did not tell you how this started, did I.

In the plane, I reached down to help the woman next to me extract her bag from under the seat and at that moment, the tray fell, and I smacked my mouth on it so hard, I saw stars and cut myself rather dramatically right above my lip (vertical cut, nostril to lipline), bloody hell, bloody mess, headache and now? It is healing fine, more drama than damage. But what a start.

But, let's talk about the beauty- the waves crashing, green with the sun high, a steely blue as it sets, the big moon, the stars, the palm trees, the damn wind that makes everything lovely but the actual being outside part....

it is salty here, and wide open.

And we can walk for miles with nothing but wind and waves and the crush of shells (sorry shells) under out feet.