Boston

I got up in the dark and drove into the sunrise, it was so lovely and still and clear today. I saw two coyotes crossing the ice on a lake, their bodies low and their gait exact--

the sun was bright orangey red and blessedly, the traffic was really light. And I got there early.

Today's appointment was so interesting-- the Waltham office of BostonIVF is tucked into a weird road in an unexpected place, and just about as different from the Boston office as possible-- it is clean and new and pretty-- a very nice receptionist with a great smile, a talented phlebotomist (8 vials? 9? good lord), then a very nice but very very pokyjammy wand lady- my one big beef? no second screen for me during the ultrasound. what the hell. Not good. Not good at all. Hated that. I want to see, to assess, to critique. Alas.

But I waited not one second, was early, did not even sit down, was whisked in there and was out in about 20 minutes. The whole thing was dreamy and weird, been somewhere else, done this, but not here, not with you.

Funny to be at a fertility clinic rather than an OB/GYN office, in this case, the only reason any of us are there is fertility, no guessing, knowing. So your eyes skim over the other folks, heads are low, so are voices. I made a point of looking at and smiling at people. This sucks enough already to have to feel alone in the midst of folks in the same struggle.

For my next trick I do a sonohystogram the day after I get back (cd11), down at the boston office (boo), then meet with doctor O on the 11th for the consult with my darlin too. The testing covered everything for all options that include my body, so, we'll see. The results will be interesting I am sure. I expect the donor egg route will be suggested if not required, he said I'd be a great candidate when last we met. I hope I will be.

It is odd to go from 0 to 60 like this. Waiting then... whammo-- appointments and tests and go there and do this and... yeah. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm tired, but I am also curious about what will come next. I am tired of feeling sort of victimized by this process. And tired of feeling so beaten down by our serial failures. I am ready for two lines, a growing belly, a baby, a person. So, 2010, bring it on.

I will be away starting waaaaay early friday morning through next wednesday night, so if there is long quiet here, no worries. Just imagine me bundled up sitting by the ocean listening to the waves, practicing being present. And sprogblogger, just because I am away does not mean I will not be pulling for you in every second. I'm just sayin'. And Maddy? feel free to buck the odds and do this the old fashioned way. I would be so thrilled for you.

Just in case I do not post tomorrow, I am wishing you all a very very happy and safe new year.

staying vertical

Sending this magical piece onward since it is too precious to hold

from the magical and wickedly talented Maya Stein via the magical Jen Lemen.

how to climb a mountain
by Maya Stein

Make no mistake. This will be an exercise in staying vertical.
Yes, there will be a view, later, a wide swath of open sky,
but in the meantime: tree and stone. If you’re lucky, a hawk will coast overhead, scanning the forest floor. If you’re lucky, a set of wildflowers will keep you cheerful. Mostly, though, a steady sweat, your heart fluttering indelicately, a solid ache perforating your calves. This is called work, what you will come to know, eventually and simply, as movement, as all the evidence you need to make your way. Forget where you were. That story is no longer true. Level your gaze to the trail you’re on, and even the dark won’t stop you.

Tomorrow morning, 8:30, day 3 bloodwork and US down in Boston. And just like that, the next chapter begins.

Gratitude and love

Oh yes EB, you are so right, and thank you for the gentle reminder-- so many many good things Have happened this year. I met most of you- and have enjoyed such an amazing community of women mostly with the occasional manperson, and such amazing understanding and warmth and love and support and kindness and an occasional thoughtful and kindhearted kick in the ass.

So many of my lovelies are pregnant or will be soon (SPROGBLOGGER) and so many had such beautiful babies this year.

If we go by my blog list alone, out of maybe 50, 30 have gotten pregnant, stayed pregnant and have had babies or are darn near about to. I have on my list triplets, 7 sets of twins at least, and bunches of singletons. GREAT statistics ladies! Some have gotten derailed by life, or health, or both... others are like me, waiting and hoping and trying with various bits and pieces.

See? there really is so much to celebrate. I celebrate all of you, and our tenacity and resilience and hope. I celebrate passion and friendship and love in all the various ways it shows itself.

I even honor fear for trying so hard to keep us safe.

So yeah, while this year was not all sunshine and daisies, it sure has held a lot of love. And for that I am profoundly grateful.

I was going to write about fear and stumbling and identity (still, again, forever). I will wait. And I will wait perhaps until the new year to ask for your help with finding my true calling and a new way to make a living that does not eat my life force for breakfast. But not today.

Today,

thank you.

and thank you 2009. I learned more this year than I ever would have imagined, and endured more than I thought I could. I also felt the amazing astonishment of pregnancy and saw two lines on that crazy pee stick and a magical heartbeat. Nothing can take away that experience and that awe and wonder. And there was so much beauty. There always is. It is just so hard to remember to look.

My 10 seconds today:

this, you, thank you. I am totally present with gratitude and you all make my heart bigger.

played

my period is late

and yesterday my temp was still up

way up

and my hopes? ahh my silly hopeful hopes went up too.

maybe, just maybe we'd snatched victory from the jaws of defeat

maybe we'd hit the jackpot

grabbed the brass ring

but today, my temp was halfway down and I felt my heart fall, I peed on stick for confirmation (not in the mood for ambiguity or wasted hope or whatiffing), no. Negative. And now I feel played.

I wonder at my own insanity that I would even think it was possible, that I would allow myself to get suckered in by hoping for such a long shot.

I feel really stupid. Like going on one more date with that guy who seemed to have such potential even though he never calls or does anything he promises just because maybe maybe he could turn out to be the one. Yeah, no.

I had a very lifechanging holiday but am not quite ready to talk about it. Odd how vulnerable I can feel even with good things.

And today I cried hard, had a long cathartic and insight ridden talk with my wonderful sister, and then took to the woods.

I had a wonderful metaphorical hike, want to hear about it?

It was raining here, hard sometimes, light mist others, oddly warm. We still have loads of snow, so the rain just makes it heavy and slushy, and the trail was a mishmash of running water, ice, packed snow, slush, and this double layer of thick snow crust with water flowing underneath high enough to flood into my shoes when I stepped through.

Each step I took slid backwards some, and it took so much skidding slipping sidestepping effort to get up to the overlook. I sat on a wet rock and looked out through fog, and thought about how when I'm hiking, if that way does not work, I go this way, I step over the fallen log, walk around the dog shit, walk through the high snow when the trail is too icy. It is not a crisis, it is a hike. But for some reason, in *real* life, any obstacle feels like failure or the end of the road. I need to remember to just look for the alternatives as if they are part of the process not the exception. But I get so single minded. This way, this way. But now it is all about alternatives.

My referral should be all sorted out this week, so I should have an appointment with Dr. O sometime later in January. I wish I could do bloodwork or something or anything toward whatever is next sooner than that. But I guess I am- I am making an appointment and that needs to count.

2009 sucked ass in many ways. I came across a blog I used to read back in the day, it used to be called I can't believe I wasted all that birth control and is now called Uppercase Woman. And she ends her most recent post this way:

2009? Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Amen.

Eve

Admittedly, I am much more of a solstice gal

But, on this christmas eve, I wish on you, each of you, an extra heaping dose of love and peace.

10pm

Gosh, 10 already, I feel like I blinked and here it is, late, night, time for bed.

I moved an inch today, called boston IVF, called to see if I can just get the testing done we talked about back in August when I met with Dr Oskowitz, their doc who specializes in older mom wannabes such as myself.

So, I called, left a message.

Several hours later they called back- kind but not warm, and yes, they found my file and oh, my referral ran out friday. So, I needed a new referral. And, as such, I need to make another appointment for another consultation. Which is fair but annoying since, gosh, friday?? But I was barely ready to call today. So, waiting is ok. (waiting is ok, waiting is ok, waiting is ok, waiting is ok...)

So, I have a new referral, they will call with an appointment time and day sometime for mid January. My next cycle starts this weekend. But it will come and go, no tests. That's ok, but I was kind of hoping I could sneak up on this.

Why Boston IVF? you folks have all been wonderful with suggestions, and Boston IVF was in the running for the top 3 and a place I'd already made contact with and been examined at... So I figured I would start there. Next will be Fertility Centers of New England.

So one inch forward, some more waiting, and some time for breathing. If I look at this the right way, I will have a few moments between now and then when this is not the first thing I think of each time I wake in the middle of the night, the first thing I think of in the morning, or when I pause or stumble... I want a break, even if for a little while, but I also want so much to be on the other side of this.

Sending weblove to Sarah at Dreams and false alarms for her shitty recent loss, and for Illanare for hers, and sending love to Sprogblogger as she is on the cusp of her IT WILL BE SUCCESSFUL transfer, and to Traci and her monsters, love to Nic who is healing and Mo who is on the cusp of a CCRM adventure and Elizabeth whose days are filled with love and uncertainty and K with her two and Dawn and her one and Beth who I will meet sometime soon I hope and Kate who is impatient and Kate who is sunflowering and Melissa and Michele and Phoebe and Eileen and Billy and Jules and Jem and t and Elle and Onward, and Backseat, and Whatif and one pink line, and Pundelina, and Maredsous (missing you!) and bb and Meinsideout, and Joannah, April, Sarah, Sassy and Serenity,Megan and Jenn (miss you and hope you are healing!) and Maddy and EB, music maker and Magsy and scifi, and future mom, and Amber and Dirk.... all of you I wish I could read more often...and I hope to catch up soon.

And to all of you who stopped in to offer suggestions and to let me know who you are-- sharing three little words-- how wonderful and heartfilling! Thank you so much for playing along.

Kate, tired but hopeful, resilient when not falling apart, ready, waiting.

solstice

I have been off line and out of touch-- I was away at a faraway customer visit that was fraught with technical challenges and long days, and then a stormy return trip this weekend had me spending saturday night in the newark airport (could not even escape by train or taxi, the lines were too long and it was too late)--- finally I was able to catch a very late train home yesterday.

Thank you all for your wonderful support and suggestions for the next phase of our journey.

I am crazed with work and needing sleep so it will take a few days to catch up.

But on this day, this shortest daylight day, I want to wish all of you a very, very happy solstice.