So last night, the ambiguity ended. I am now officially on cd1.5. Officially back on the IVF bandwagon. Officially irritated as all hell that I allowed myself to be duped into thinking that maybe, just maybe, I would get off with some sort of miracle. That maybe this would just work out.
Today I slept late, suited up and took a long slow hike in a windy soft rain up along the ridge. The overlooks were totally obscured in clouds. There was such a hard wind from the south that I could almost lean into it. It is so odd to feel so much space, to know that the mountain ends where I was standing, but to be able to see nothing, just feel the push of wind that felt like it had gotten a running start. By the time I got home it was pouring, I was soaked to the skin and ready to be warm again. Sometimes when I hike I hike for the exercise and the simple joy of being outside, and sometimes it is more like therapy, more an unraveling, or a untangling. Today there was some of each- the joy of being outside in the beautiful woods on one of the last warm days before winter, and a feeling like I needed to allow myself to come to some sort of acceptance of where I am compared to what I was hoping. And I think I did.
The rain has let up and the woods are nearly dark already even though it is only mid afternoon. I'm making bread. Making pie. Doing laundry. Settling in. At least now I know where I am.