16 November 2008

Hedging my bets

As much as it was windy yesterday, it is WINDY today- the wind was roaring up the mountain during my hike this morning. I could hear it coming.
I sat at the overlook, the air scrubbed clean, and I could see all the way to Boston. The trees are nearly all bare-- just a few oak leaves and beech leaves here and there. The low bush blueberries have a few crimson leaves, and they are putting out blossoms, as if somehow there is a chance to set fruit before winter. It is so odd to see those little vase-shaped blooms, somewhere between pink and lavender, clustered on naked branches.

We talked a bit about adoption last night as I was curled around the cat. A bit about IVF.
So much of this is about hedging bets-- about trying to balance regrets. If I do not try IVF, I will always wonder if that is what would have worked. And I feel like I need to at least try. But we talked about getting more educated about adoption- I have already been on many sites, but we have not.

It feels so odd to be in this position- I did not grow up thinking I wanted to have kids, nor did I think I didn't. I just did not have a life plan or expectation like many folks do. I've taken an indirect path to where I am now- and cannot believe that while I feel so young, so not-adult, my "advanced" age is such a factor in all of this. But it is. All other tests are normal.

IVF is an odd beast- tests (only 2 more-- a sonohystogram and a mock transfer), injection class, then injections, and ultrasound monitoring and bloodwork, and then (if all goes well) retrieval, more shots, and if all goes wonderfully- transfer!
I am trying to talk myself into optimism, into whatever that mind set is that says this is possible.

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