19 October 2012


last night i dreamed of wolves.
one, in the yard, advancing toward me in spite of the noise I was trying to make, the menace I was faking.
I was just simply scared, but all of my fear filled and desperate arm waving and yelling made no difference.
it came closer and closer, so close, finally, it put its muzzle in my hand, and then we stood there in the doorway, me, stroking the soft fur of this fierce and fearless wolf

it was thirsty so I invited it in.
not much later I turned to find my house was filled with wolves.
fat ones and skinny ones, big ones and small ones. ones with spots.

today is rain and dark after yesterday's glorious everything.
light! oh, the light this time of year, low and slanty, setting hillsides into glow as a million million oak leaves turn color from brown to every kind of gold and berry.

fog lifting from every waterway
then high wispy clouds

today is very dark and flat and close
by 6am the sky was not even pretending to lighten
so I've turned on my christmas lights and am sitting in their glow, trying to gather myself for my day.

work has not been working, not as I've imagined it might.
I realized I took a detour this summer, a detour into imagining alternatives that never coalesced into actionable identifiable directions.  so now, several months into the detour, I am returning with panic to what I am already doing, gathering myself, trying to define, refine, communicate.

there are many inherent delights in this mosaic of different work for different people-- lots of stimulation, smart people, ideas, projects to wrangle. but there is fatigue in it too. switching so often from project to project means no sustained push, no immersion, and no sustained connection with co-workers. and there is loneliness in it too: I'm feeling lonely, I guess.  A part of many somethings but apart from them too....

A new creative project for a friend feels like a deep breath.
But I still need to re-organize my other work, and figure out how best to balance everything in a way that makes sense. I've got all sorts of wolves circling.
the best thing about the dream last night was that it meant that I was sleeping after several nights of anxious waking.


Sprogblogger said...

I love your wolves dream--such a lovely/terrifying image for your sleeping mind to come up with! I hope things ease for you this winter, that the calm season brings you some clarity and peace. You're in my thoughts, my friend.

Elizabeth said...

Hello you - wolves, wow. I love wolves, I mean, I know they're terrifying and all, but, really so wild. And the idea of all of them in the house. . .and one with spots. Aren't dreams completely wonderful and strange?

Liam watched a nova special about dogs recently (Don't ask.) and was captivated by the idea that dogs came from wolves. One of the researchers tried to raise wolf puppies as if they were dogs and by I-can't-remember, 12-16 weeks maybe, the puppies were so clearly not dogs that they had to go back to the wolf sanctuary. They kept jumping onto the tables and into the refrigerator to get at food.

Do you remember that line from the book about Beryl Markham, about the "pet" lion which ate someone/something it should not have? The jist of it was something like "he was a perfectly good lion, it's just all these people and their ideas that are crazy."

They're perfectly perfect wolves, right? They're strong and beautiful and practical and loving and they are absolutely at all times where and what they are. You too, dear one. I hope you're getting lots of sleep, and that all things mental, physical, and work-related just take a little break and calm the fuck down for a day or so at least. Sending much love,