Scrambly

Sometimes treading water looks like you aren't going anywhere, because, well, you aren't. And the not going anywhere can very easily look like not very much... can seem like lack of progress, lack of effort, lack of busy-ness and productivity.  But there is a lot of scrambling motion under the surface keeping you from drowning, and boy howdy, that sure counts.

Inside, I am feeling all sorts of scrambly.

There's a lot of motion under the surface. A lot of inner work, adjustments, re-realizations, some discomfort, a new cold, many projects, not quite enough time, and no where near enough down time.

There is no down time.
I need to figure out how to figure that out. How to allow for it.  Make space for it. Fill the space with down time that feels like down time. I am working against myself at the moment, filling filling filling. Running out of time feels like a daily deal.

Even my dreams have been frenetic and over-filled. I wake puzzled by the flood of images, quests, seeking, complexity and nonsense of them and their too muchness.

Today I am trying to get some things off my list.  Some of the too much.  Some of the weight of unfinished business.  I am trying to avoid avoidance. Do stuff that has been dangling and lingering.  Just hit send, just hit publish.  Just put it out there, not waiting until or unless, but just trying to get things done *enough*, enough for now.

One of my new updates today is to my heartwork creativity blog.  Please feel free to check it out.
Note the new tab for consulting.
Note the new tab for coaching.
Note the coaching is currently FREE for an email exchange.  Interested? Contact me!

Back to my scramblings and do-ings, just have really missed being here.
Really.
Really, really.

wolves

last night i dreamed of wolves.
one, in the yard, advancing toward me in spite of the noise I was trying to make, the menace I was faking.
I was just simply scared, but all of my fear filled and desperate arm waving and yelling made no difference.
it came closer and closer, so close, finally, it put its muzzle in my hand, and then we stood there in the doorway, me, stroking the soft fur of this fierce and fearless wolf

it was thirsty so I invited it in.
not much later I turned to find my house was filled with wolves.
fat ones and skinny ones, big ones and small ones. ones with spots.

***
today is rain and dark after yesterday's glorious everything.
light! oh, the light this time of year, low and slanty, setting hillsides into glow as a million million oak leaves turn color from brown to every kind of gold and berry.

fog lifting from every waterway
then high wispy clouds

today is very dark and flat and close
by 6am the sky was not even pretending to lighten
so I've turned on my christmas lights and am sitting in their glow, trying to gather myself for my day.

work has not been working, not as I've imagined it might.
I realized I took a detour this summer, a detour into imagining alternatives that never coalesced into actionable identifiable directions.  so now, several months into the detour, I am returning with panic to what I am already doing, gathering myself, trying to define, refine, communicate.

there are many inherent delights in this mosaic of different work for different people-- lots of stimulation, smart people, ideas, projects to wrangle. but there is fatigue in it too. switching so often from project to project means no sustained push, no immersion, and no sustained connection with co-workers. and there is loneliness in it too: I'm feeling lonely, I guess.  A part of many somethings but apart from them too....

A new creative project for a friend feels like a deep breath.
But I still need to re-organize my other work, and figure out how best to balance everything in a way that makes sense. I've got all sorts of wolves circling.
the best thing about the dream last night was that it meant that I was sleeping after several nights of anxious waking.