I can't whistle: snow and fog

About this blog

I started this blog as a place to talk about the weirdness that is this in-between place of wanting something so badly, but also not being able to make a difference in the outcome by working harder, or learning more, or hoping with more of my heart.

Many many people have been on this ride for much longer than I can even imagine. Our process was fast tracked since I began this journey in my 40s.

So far? Clomid with a natural cycle, then 3 IUIs with clomid, one failed IVF (long lupron protocol) with zero eggs retrieved (empty follicle syndrome), then a second IVF (antagonist protocol) canceled and converted to IUI due to one lead follicle and very few others-- and, against all odds: a surprising positive! A short miraculous pregnancy (we saw a heartbeat!) ending with a heartbreaking missed miscarriage at 6w+ discovered at 9w.

Since then, a natural cycle (hCG was still too high), another medicated IUI, a cyst so a non-medicated IUI and finally a gloriously perfectly played out 3rd IVF attempt with 5 embryos transferred and then... a big fat negative. A cyst so a natural cycle, then a 4th IVF, 2 embryos transferred and another negative...

One last IVF (lucky#5) in February 2010 with a new clinic and a new protocol, transferred the only two embryos we made the day before I turned 43-- and I got pregnant with one little wiggler! Holy Crap!

Beautiful baby Della was born 11/9/2010!

Who knows what's next?
Welcome to my blog.

inside out

"The key is, starting from the inside out. Often you say, “I don’t know what to do.” True, you don’t know what to do. There are infinite possibilities. And a bunch of them haven’t worked for you. A lot of them have been tried, and they haven’t worked under what you think are the same conditions. And so, you sort of pace around, you don’t know what to do. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want to have. But you always, you always, if you will stop and think about it, you ALWAYS know how you want to feel."

--Abraham

I can't whistle

16 January 2013

snow and fog

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