17 January 2013

Surfing the longing

So here I am, luckiest person in the world and I *STILL* twinge uncomfortably with news of someone's pregnancy. WTF? Can I just grow out of this please? Can I just be happy for me, for them, for all of us who are so lucky?

Oh yes, I wish it were different. I wish I were totally emotionally unhooked. I wish I knew that there is no conservation of fertility law, where someone's pregnancy means someone else will wait. I wish I knew with every certain fiber of my complex being that where I am is exactly where I want to be.

Months ago, Mel wrote one heck of a piece on traveling with her ghost child that left me teary and stunned.

I remember at the beginning of the whole IF journey doing some hard work with visualization, and imagining very clearly two children, two "spirit babies"-- a very spunky girl (boy howdy was that on target), and a very shy boy a few years younger who kept hiding behind my legs.

And I think sometimes, a usually very quiet part of me feels that he is missing... somehow, somehow... that somehow there is a piece of our family story that I imagined coming true. Othertimes, oftentimes this is not at all in my awareness; I am fine fine fine with no longing at all.

Believe me, we have our hands and hearts full.
We have the most amazing child in the whole universe.
We are blessed beyond measure, beyond imagining. I am not actually missing anything. I am full to overflowing. Logistically, financially, physically, energetically, it would be *so incredibly challenging* if we had more than one little one.

And yet, there is this whispery recurrent ghosty longing.

If we map this longing, I bet dollars to doughnuts it is a 28ish day cycle, landing smack dab on trigger day. I'm just sayin'.

So it comes and goes. Whispers and wanes.
Like grief I guess.  Yeah.  Just about exactly like grief.


Michele said...

I still have the twinge... Still, even after my own 'suprise- you're pregnant' moment. I feel guilty posting on FB, even as my friends beg me to post more and complain I dont post enough pg things. It's a strange place to be.

I always saw a brood running around my feet... I always saw us graying and tossing the last of many into the air to play... Shared bedrooms and not enough bathrooms yada yada yada. I think those ghosts haunt us forever, even if we eventually make the dream.

Hugs, dear one... Hugs...

Emily Erin said...

Yes. This. I feel you on this, and I don't know if it will ever go away. I wish you peace, and fewer twinges, and hey, while I'm wishing, maybe a surprise magic pregnancy and your shy son, while I'm wishing for rainbows and unicorn farts.

So I have nothing insightful to say but "I feel you" and I honor your ghost child.

Carrie1074 said...

I understand. Our son is 8 and was our 4th pregnancy.....we were able to get pregnant right away all 4 times, but I miscarried the first 3 times. I always wanted at least 2 children, so just before he turned 2, we started trying again.....almost 7 years later, he is still the only child. I don't cringe at the people who are pregnant who will be great parents and who deserve to have babies, but I do cringe at the ones who really are not or will not be good parents and are pregnant for the umteenth time and don't need to be having babies. I am truly thankful and blessed to have such an amazing son, but sometimes I still feel sad about only having 1 child.
So, although I don't have anything wonderful to say, my point is, you are not alone, many of us understand and have similar feelings.

pepper said...

Yep. Dead on. So thrilled with my life. And still... The twinge. So relieved I am not alone. Thanks for sharing.