So, I had good intentions.
Before Della was born, before I knew who she was, I imagined creating a world for this new being that was full of yeses.
I imagined making the kind of space that would allow for free ranging (with supervision of course) but without the million navigational "nos" that I had seen others use.
Yes, a fantasy, a FANTASY created by me, kate, with no prior experience with kids.
So, I tried yeses.
As many yeses as I could.
I yessed whenever possible, and sometimes spend energy making a no situation into a yes situation just so I could stick to my oh-so-innocently-conceived party line.
Then, inevitably, the Nos came.
They had to, right?
and they were met with shock.
Really? No? What does that even mean? (I could hear her infant brain asking with stunned surprise).
I had one of these too during my teenage years. A clear memory of a No that came out of left field, the shock that came with it, and the hurt that felt as if I was not trusted.
(I know so much more now, I know that was not the case, sometimes limits are protective in other ways).
So here we are, navigating a sea of Nos that corresponds to 2 and a half, an unbelievably willful child with a clear vision of what she wants.
And I confess this:
I have, in the past 3 days, begun to use 5 chocolate bits as a once-a-day outright bribe. Nothing awful-- I say-- standing at the top of yet another well-intentioned slippery slope. Nothing bad--I say-- since I am just trying to get out for a walk, or wait a few hours before nursing (another post for another day on not weaning)...
And I am aware as I am doing this that the solution that feels the most harmonious right now, may simply screw me in the near future.
I did not realize how much of parenting is survival in the now, and regret in the soon.