22 June 2013

on not weaning, part... heck, I've lost count...


Yesterday Della woke to a stiff neck. As a reminder for those of you who might have missed some salient points, we co-sleep (a most excellent plan that helped us survive her infancy, and a most shitty plan when it comes to making or even envisioning changes), and are still nursing especially at night since I am like an all-dessert exhausted buffet.

So, her stiff neck was horrid. A full hour of shocked horrified tears, full blown, so very sad and horrible to not be able to do anything to help (no! don't rub it. no! no warm compress...). She tried to nurse to soothe, and each time she tried, it hurt really badly and she cried harder (not good for either of us).

Her neck THANKFULLY improved as the day went on, but a midday attempt at nursing still hurt, so...

We tend to nurse to wind down before sleep, but last night.... no. She said she was done.

And then we went to bed, and for the first time ever, she fell asleep next to me and not on me, and I cried hard and lay awake for hours trying to come to grips with this sudden change.
I was not ready to have it break off like that, associated with pain, and Oh, it was bad for me.

Midnight, she turned and nursed one side.
3am she nursed the other.
(Engorgement pain is no joke, and I was surprised and grateful)

Then, this morning, we're up and going and I guess I won't know where we stand until tonight.
I do know this: change is part of every moment, and while some of this is about me holding on to things I will never do again, and a kind of closeness that is one I have never experienced, and a connection with her that I know will transform, but this I know... this transition is one of the most fraught with emotional complexity that I have ever dealt with philosophically or in real life.
This is really, really, really, really hard.


sprogblogger said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. That just sounds difficult--more so than it would be otherwise to have the ending be about pain. (and pain for you both, because you've probably been prepared for pain on your end.) Thinking of you.

tireegal68 said...

I'm with you on this 100% although I weaned Isobel in January to get the mammo and get ready for treatment - which took forever - god knows how it got to be June. It was painful and tearful and panicky for both of us. We had to have lots of ice lollies on hand - they seemed to soothe her.
In a wistful missing my boobies moment ( I rue the day I ever called them boobies because now everyone knows what she is talking about when she asks for them) I relented ( once my milk was gone) and let her feel them. Now she does this at bedtime and nap time and when she is feeling tired and also suckles too. I am embarassed to say so but she loves the comfort. It's not comfortable for me really except it feels good to comfort her. We were going to put a stop to it when we came back from being out of town, but we are working on getting her off her chocolate habit and that is more important I tell myself. We also have to wean her off the ipad habit too. I had no idea that toddlers could love something with a passion that I have only a mild interest in. It's scary. I read your post about no and yes recently and it really resonated with me a lot. We just thought we could casually let her have chocolate like we do - in small portions and after a meal. No not true. Same with I pad. And we use it as a crutch when we are tired and need to zone out. Our excuse is we don't have any or much unpaid help but we are all just tired and don't want to deal with that battle.
Anyway, sorry to hi jack your post. Hope Della is feeling better now:)
Yes, the panic and the engorgement. Awful. Being engorged when you wean is like feeling like you have a secret horrible disease. it's so painful but you can't talk to your co workers about it and your boobs feel like huge liabilities. But it does get better. When you are ready of course. And it can be a long long time away. Big hugs!