13 June 2013

where I've been

I know I have been somewhat absent here comparatively speaking-- I've been "on assignment", posting daily over at heartwork. I've spilled a lot of content over there, things i would have said here about my grief stuff. I am consolidating, sort of, as I think the grief work I am doing is somehow tied in with the Workwork I am supposed to be doing.

These past few weeks have been chock filled with stressors-- I have been sick for several weeks, first with a nasty cold, then with a sinus infection that laid me out. Just finished the hallucinatory antibiotics last night and hope I am done. It was about 3 or 4 weeks start to finish.

I've also been working very hard at moving my own personal grief work forward, and well, I over did it.  Too many long trips in real time/space, too many long trips in memory space, and too many complications because of financial and emotional needs and those various conflicts, and well, shit.
Breaking point.

Two nights ago I had a panic attack, my first ever. And let me say this to all of you who have had them:
DAMN. I have never experienced anything like it, where I felt so hijacked for so long, so powerless, and so horrid.

Doug is now up in Maine for the summer, and we were to visit today. But daycare has a new barfing flu thingy going around, so I am staying home since I do not want to get sick there, on the way there, or on the way back or bring it to a summer camp (Opening day bonus gift!!! sick staff!, um, no).

So last night I slept some with the help of Rescue Remedy and a lot of safety nets in place.
I am totally exhausted, insanely so.
Will be home today with Della, praying that the barf gods pass us by.

Once safely on the other side of the barf zone, having flown over or slogged through, I think this will be a time of reconsidering- I cannot continue to ignore my stress signals, clearly, but am not sure how to give myself permission for better self care. I am a world-class-should-er and it is really hard to decide not to use such a well honed skill.

Just wanted to let you know where I've been.


sprogblogger said...

You've also been in my thoughts. Here's hoping that the barfiness passes you both by. Take care of yourself in all ways.

It Is What It Is said...

I am sorry for the panic attack...I had one (well more than one) when my husband and older son were away. It was NO fun.

I, too, hope that the stomach bug passes you by. NO fun.

Good to hear from you here.

Queenie. . . said...

You know, it's okay for you to give yourself permission to let go of some of it. Do what you need to, rather than what you think you should do. Your happiness and mental health and physical health are the most important things, for you, and for Della, and for Doug. Sometimes that means we have to put some things in a box a while longer, and that's okay.

tireegal68 said...

this sounds like such a difficult time and to deal with it alone must be hard - though perhaps that is how you must do the grief work.
Are you going to be up in Maine with Doug any of the summer? I hope you do. It sounds like a healing place.
I hope that barf passes you all by and that you get some time and space and peace to yourself. Della is as lovely as ever. Big hugs:)