Weather report

Cloudy, misty rain with a bit of funky offness, skin too tight-ness, heart too tender-ness.
So, I have made myself ginger peach tea, and a bowl of oatmeal with pumpkin pie spice (CLOVES) and brown sugar, and I made sure I am warm enough and am now trying to recalibrate my mood.

Outside it is looking a lttle novembery but it feels more like spring.

I realize, once again, that I have put myself in a position where I don't feel I can do my best for everyone I have said yes to. So I am strategizing. Trying to figure out how I can salvage the situation to make myself feel better, more under control, more capable, less conflicted.

It starts with time. Do I have enough? How do I make more available? What is the tradeoff? Is it worth it?
And it also starts with a simple question that makes me uncomfortable:

Is this bringing me more joy and satisfaction or less?

Hmmm. Think I will go drink my tea and distract myself a bit.

**if you want to watch me babble about this, head over to heartwork for a video. **

11 months

Della, you are 11 months and 5 days old.

And today? Today you WALKED.

You love peas more than anything, except, of course, your dad. And nursing. You get frustrated more and more quickly when you are trying to communicate and we do not understand what you are saying fast enough. You are a total delight, allow me to snuggle you, kiss me with a big open mouth, shake your head no all the time no matter if you mean yes... the you that has been there all along is just getting bigger, and it is so amazing to witness.

And today, you walked.

my first video hello

5 leaf clover

It is raining.
I am watching the drops gather and fall from the eave right above my window.

A beloved friend's mom died today and I feel as if I've been taken out at the knees. Sending love is all I can do. I cannot change a disease or the way the day dawned or take away the sadness.

Instead, I find myself having to bring myself back to right now, this moment, this mug of tea, this clacking keyboard, this breath.

I went to vermont on friday. I walked through Manchester with Della on my not-so-hippish hip, and got shoes and some pants for della and felt very much away but no where near at home.

I went to vermont on sunday, to putney this time, home for me in the early 80s and I walked around the school and felt peaceful and open and full of possibility. I looked up in the faculty lounge and was treated to ART hanging from the ceiling-- an angel, wireframe, a pen and ink sketch that felt weightless and magnificent and oh how I love being surprised like that.

I found a 5 leaf clover as I walked through knee high pasture
and
carried Della on my not so hippish hip and for once she felt weightless.

and you know what? for a while, so did I.

Today? Vermont!

While Doug sprays our fleabag (literally) apartment with cedar oil flea spray that we could eat but smells like funky old rotting buildings,  I will be heading to the fine state of Vermont to spend my gas money and snack money somewhere where it counts, and be somewhere I love, and pray to the carseat gods that Della does not cry the whole way there and back.

Sunshine, fast moving clouds... me? partially cloudy with chance of ephiphany.

intermittent awareness

The equinox came, and where was I? Suddenly it is the beginning of Della's first full autumn on the outside, and I missed the moment. I know, I know, moment schmoment, there are many, many days in autumn, but for me, someone who is so used to being so in tune with nature, I suddenly feel like I missed a step.
We have stumbled into earlier sunsets, and later sunrises, this I know.
I know Orion is tracking a different path across the sky.
I know the sun is rising down the pine row from when I moved in.

But me? I feel a bit lost-in-space. I am doing, moving, being, feeling, but I am somehow disconnected.

So, tomorrow, I drive up north, I will soak up the beauty in my new drive.
I realize I am exactly the right sort of person to drive the same drive every day since I love watching how things change, and let my eyes touch that river, those hills, that paddock filled with horses.  But I am also the right person to take a new road, when a turn brings a surprise barn on a stone foundation, or a picket fence faced with mounds of lavendar or sage.

This new drive is both familiar and unfamiliar. I somehow need to get grounded.
I guess I start by knowing that.

ground fog

Heavy gray sloggy

I am still sick and feeling bluegray and sort of leaden. I am not so deep in blue that I cannot see my way out, this is more like a ground fog, the kind that makes things mysterious.

Yesterday, on my way to work, my long rainy drive took me up through mountains and past some bogs that were wearing full fall color, reds and oranges, all still fully leafed and glorious. I could only see right by the sides of the road, so I could not be distracted by long views. Everything visible was immediate.

I am trying to make my way through this day that way, looking at what is in front of me, and trying not to be distracted by my mood or the long views that cause my heart to race.

Anxiety has been vibrating in my body, and I want to hear what it is telling me.

That's a lie. I want to be able to listen without having to DO anything about the information it is providing. So we are at an impasse. I am looking away, legs and arms crossed, foot dangling. I am humming.