Today? Vermont!

While Doug sprays our fleabag (literally) apartment with cedar oil flea spray that we could eat but smells like funky old rotting buildings,  I will be heading to the fine state of Vermont to spend my gas money and snack money somewhere where it counts, and be somewhere I love, and pray to the carseat gods that Della does not cry the whole way there and back.

Sunshine, fast moving clouds... me? partially cloudy with chance of ephiphany.

intermittent awareness

The equinox came, and where was I? Suddenly it is the beginning of Della's first full autumn on the outside, and I missed the moment. I know, I know, moment schmoment, there are many, many days in autumn, but for me, someone who is so used to being so in tune with nature, I suddenly feel like I missed a step.
We have stumbled into earlier sunsets, and later sunrises, this I know.
I know Orion is tracking a different path across the sky.
I know the sun is rising down the pine row from when I moved in.

But me? I feel a bit lost-in-space. I am doing, moving, being, feeling, but I am somehow disconnected.

So, tomorrow, I drive up north, I will soak up the beauty in my new drive.
I realize I am exactly the right sort of person to drive the same drive every day since I love watching how things change, and let my eyes touch that river, those hills, that paddock filled with horses.  But I am also the right person to take a new road, when a turn brings a surprise barn on a stone foundation, or a picket fence faced with mounds of lavendar or sage.

This new drive is both familiar and unfamiliar. I somehow need to get grounded.
I guess I start by knowing that.

ground fog

Heavy gray sloggy

I am still sick and feeling bluegray and sort of leaden. I am not so deep in blue that I cannot see my way out, this is more like a ground fog, the kind that makes things mysterious.

Yesterday, on my way to work, my long rainy drive took me up through mountains and past some bogs that were wearing full fall color, reds and oranges, all still fully leafed and glorious. I could only see right by the sides of the road, so I could not be distracted by long views. Everything visible was immediate.

I am trying to make my way through this day that way, looking at what is in front of me, and trying not to be distracted by my mood or the long views that cause my heart to race.

Anxiety has been vibrating in my body, and I want to hear what it is telling me.

That's a lie. I want to be able to listen without having to DO anything about the information it is providing. So we are at an impasse. I am looking away, legs and arms crossed, foot dangling. I am humming.

notes from the trenches

Doug and Della are asleep after a very restless sleepless night.

Last night was Della's second very disrupted night this week, so we are restarting the Zantac, and praying to whatever gods might be listening.

Last night, sitting on the sofa, I realized my throat was sore, and I was achy. When I get sick, sometimes it is like that. One minute I am ok, maybe just a bit blue, the next I am sick.

I had PLANS for today, people. Painting plans. Beading plans. And all I am is tired, achy, snotty and low.

So, I will wash my brushes, and just try to be ok with just being today. Being tired. being snotty.

On a fun note, Della learned to feed herself cheerios this week. It is the cutest thing ever. It begins with a perfect pincher grip, a single cheerio, and ends up with whole hand in mouth...

It's been a week of bright moons and wild night skies here.

And two days of cold with morning frost.

Seasons are shifting so fast I feel unsteady. I just want to say wait wait wait! Give me a minute! I need to catch up!

Morning light

Feeling VERY happy this morning to be deliberately creating space for my creative self to flail about.

If you're inclined, you can join us! http://thatplacewego.blogspot.com

You do NOT have to be an artist or someone "creative" to join in the joy of shared experience. Maybe the project you've been putting off is vacuuming. I just know that time goes by so fast, and so much of life is consuming, that it is good to take a moment every now and again and see where I actually am and focus on the good parts.

My paint brushes are on the bathroom floor as distractions for Della while I am otherwise engaged.

Romantic painterly vision, no?

Sunshine on my face

ginger peach tea in my mug

possibility stretches out...

Invitation: September 16-18, 2011

Hey there internets. Creative? Unsure? Creative-curious? Please come check out my impulsive I-am-crazy-to-do-this-with-a-baby-idea for this weekend.

That place we go...

cow-baby

Della's third bottom tooth erupted yesterday, along with two big developmental steps--Della spent the day rather suddenly pulling up one handed and then shocked us by walking with daddy while he held only one of her hands.

We went to the fair, met pigs, chickens, ducks, bunnies, cows, horses and a seriously cute mini burro. Della also met fried dough. YUM.

Before I forget, there are so many things I want to say-- things that have helped, things that didn't...

Aveeno unscented diaper cream. Thick, unscented totally.... works. UNSCENTED> Hurrah!

Pampers sensitive swaddlers.... no disney characters, and they work *fine*. I get mine via Amazon Mom and have a subscription. I wanted to choose differently for the earth, but this is what is working for us right now and we can't (I can't) afford trial and error.

For me-- all breast pads suck. I finally got pull over sleep bras from Medela, 20 bucks each, and wear them with bamboo or cotton breast pads that look like I've stuffed pancakes in my bra. For work I wear a more structured bra that does not show the pads, and I simply remove the whole thing to pump using a pumping bra (fembot).

At night, I leak like mad, sometimes sleep bra-free just to have less to deal with but nearly always regret the sopping dripping wetness of it all.

Baby stuff we bought and wasted money on: mechanical swing, she just did not take to it. Maybe the crib? we'll see. it was cheap and maybe it will get use. I hope so.

Soft toys. MOMMA like soft toys. DELLA likes things that rattle, crinkle, make music, noise....

Clothes: she is now in shirts and pants, all cotton jersey or soy (sales on diaper.com!).... no onesies. She is robust not lanky so this is working best for us right now. Barefeet rule. Her first real shoes arrived today via Zappos amazing overnight delivery. Soft soled and I will let daycare decide when they want them on her. For now, i want her barefoot as often as possible for kinesthetic feedback, balance and walking.

Kate stuff: the in between body has been a very interesting journey and no doubt will continue to be pretty amazingly weird. I am trying not to buy things for this in between place but have needed bras (got cheap ones from hanes at walmart that work fine), needed pants for work (kohl's dockers), and am simply going to go with t shirts/tanks and cardigans for the foreseeable future. Things that fit and are comfortable are really important to me. My goal is to be unconscious of what I am wearing-- somehow achieve comfort+ appropriateness.

I was wearing maternity T shirts to cover/disguise The Belly but they are now way too big and just look bad. Shirts are still a problem for me.

I hoarded one pair of maternity pants, white jeans I love, but now the waist band feels thick and weird (which it should). But I cannot quite part with them yet.

I moved a button on a pair of jeans. This felt like progress. My weight is pre-preg but my shape is something very foreign.

Motherhood has given me everchanging breasts, but still no butt. Alas.

I wash my hair every two or three days, have it up in a barette most of the time. Floss every few days. I try to shower each day, even if it just is a rinse, and try to shave since apparently that is what sets me apart from the animals. That and cover-up.

I totally see how easy it would be to give in, give up. Stretchy pants, slept in shirts.. I walked today in my sleep outfit. But when I got home I made myself change. I think FOR ME it is important to feel as if I am "ready", which, when possible means clean teeth, deoderant, and fresh undies. When possible, it also means clothes I don't mind being seen in.

Now that I am in an apartment, folks just come to the door. Odd to be sprawled post nursing with a sleeping baby and have someone just suddenly be there. Not my favorite thing.

Pumping: I bought a medela pump on super sale but god damn it was expensive...and I still use it. I am glad I spent the money on it even though it and I are not friends. I bought a hand pump as a backup and had to use it once and I hated it completely. I have decided for sanity to pump only once a day--feed before and immediately upon returning home. I read or do work on a mini laptop while pumping. I pump in a bathroom (I did in my last job too) and it just rots. Reading/working helps a lot. Also Lynda.com is amazing for on-line learning for 25$/month unlimited access to training videos for SW and a lot of great documentaries that I hope to watch someday.

Feeding: We are still using the small medela bottles and slow flow nipples. I have med flow to try this week maybe. I will be mixing breast milk with formula, thank you What IF for the affirming suggestion! Della does not drink more than 4 oz per feeding since she is really about solids too--so we've never needed bigger bottles. I keep seeing babies drinking from them and worried (over and over) that maybe I am doing something wrong. A 22lb baby says things are fine.

New in-between car seat comes this week. I'll let you know if I like it at all once it is here. I interviewed many in real life at babys r us and gosh darn, do they HAVE to be so hard?

I am pretty sure this will not solve Della's hatred of being in the car. But it will solve the "she is too big for her baby bucket" problem if it works out.

I still have multifaceted envy but will write more about this in a different post. I met someone's newborn yesterday and felt that twinge, you know the one... and I thought goddamn it! Really? Still?

Apparently, yes. Still. Damn it.

10 months

Della, you are 10 months old and you are amazing. Kinetic does not begin to describe you, busy, active, moving, thinking, doing, babbling, grasping, trying, studying, contemplating, eating!
You love eating, and will try anything. Hate bland food or food that is too smooth. Last week a fever and rash scared me, and your tongue kept pushing food out when delivered via spoon, but fingers? Fine fine, so we ate that way all week.

This week, 22lbs, 27 1/4 inches, healthy, crazy beautiful.

Daycare starts next week, and I am feeling shaky about it. I want one on one attention for you, even though I know it is not possible in every moment. I hope you will learn to share, and learn not to pinch and bite. The place is peaceful, I was worried too peaceful. But the second visit this week included stomping boys who bang things together so that is good news for me. I did not want you to get used to too much quiet.

Your favorite book is goodnight gorilla and you turn to the goodnight goodnight goodnight page over and over and grin while I read it over and over and over.

You play peekaboo by hiding behind the chair, and giggle in anticipation before you pop out. It is adorable and you really laugh.

You do not laugh easily so when you laugh it is extra special delightful. You smile often, are totally charming and engaging. You cry to let me know you are not happy with a choice, a moment, or a sensation.

You have abandoned your foray into early language except for a noise you repeat often, sort of an aoup noise. Sometimes appp. But when mom visited us yesterday you said many things right after her, which you never do with me. I am amazed at how different you are with each one of us.

Your dad is coming home (praise god/goddess/all-that-is) tonight for 4 whole days... the weekend home, monday and tuesday working with normal commute, then back to maine, but I am hopeful that normalcy can be created for us all very soon. You are not difficult, but this has been very hard.

You love music. You turn on music and dance, arms flopping, a big grin on your face.

You love being outdoors, love our walks, love pulling grass, love swinging.

You do not like being put down while I am up. I have become adept at face washing one handed, but still need two for dishes and for buttoning my pants.

Breast feeding is still working well for us, but you are suddenly not that interested in breast milk from a bottle. Formula? Fine fine. Breastmilk? Not so much. This is causing me angst. Nursing works fine, but working means pumping and pumping means bottles.

So, my little one, happy birthday. You are the most amazing thing that has happened to me. I can hardly remember "before". I do remember sleep though, and look forward to it sometime in the future.

10 months. Wow. What a wild and wonderful mindblowing ride this has been so far.

Free egg donor cycle opportunity

Our friends at Shady Grove are giving away a free donor egg cycle to one of the participants in their upcoming donor egg seminar in Philidelphia a week from Saturday (Sept 10). If you know of anyone who is considering a DE cycle, this seems like a great opportunity. Their success rates are great.