Invitation: September 16-18, 2011

Hey there internets. Creative? Unsure? Creative-curious? Please come check out my impulsive I-am-crazy-to-do-this-with-a-baby-idea for this weekend.

That place we go...

cow-baby

Della's third bottom tooth erupted yesterday, along with two big developmental steps--Della spent the day rather suddenly pulling up one handed and then shocked us by walking with daddy while he held only one of her hands.

We went to the fair, met pigs, chickens, ducks, bunnies, cows, horses and a seriously cute mini burro. Della also met fried dough. YUM.

Before I forget, there are so many things I want to say-- things that have helped, things that didn't...

Aveeno unscented diaper cream. Thick, unscented totally.... works. UNSCENTED> Hurrah!

Pampers sensitive swaddlers.... no disney characters, and they work *fine*. I get mine via Amazon Mom and have a subscription. I wanted to choose differently for the earth, but this is what is working for us right now and we can't (I can't) afford trial and error.

For me-- all breast pads suck. I finally got pull over sleep bras from Medela, 20 bucks each, and wear them with bamboo or cotton breast pads that look like I've stuffed pancakes in my bra. For work I wear a more structured bra that does not show the pads, and I simply remove the whole thing to pump using a pumping bra (fembot).

At night, I leak like mad, sometimes sleep bra-free just to have less to deal with but nearly always regret the sopping dripping wetness of it all.

Baby stuff we bought and wasted money on: mechanical swing, she just did not take to it. Maybe the crib? we'll see. it was cheap and maybe it will get use. I hope so.

Soft toys. MOMMA like soft toys. DELLA likes things that rattle, crinkle, make music, noise....

Clothes: she is now in shirts and pants, all cotton jersey or soy (sales on diaper.com!).... no onesies. She is robust not lanky so this is working best for us right now. Barefeet rule. Her first real shoes arrived today via Zappos amazing overnight delivery. Soft soled and I will let daycare decide when they want them on her. For now, i want her barefoot as often as possible for kinesthetic feedback, balance and walking.

Kate stuff: the in between body has been a very interesting journey and no doubt will continue to be pretty amazingly weird. I am trying not to buy things for this in between place but have needed bras (got cheap ones from hanes at walmart that work fine), needed pants for work (kohl's dockers), and am simply going to go with t shirts/tanks and cardigans for the foreseeable future. Things that fit and are comfortable are really important to me. My goal is to be unconscious of what I am wearing-- somehow achieve comfort+ appropriateness.

I was wearing maternity T shirts to cover/disguise The Belly but they are now way too big and just look bad. Shirts are still a problem for me.

I hoarded one pair of maternity pants, white jeans I love, but now the waist band feels thick and weird (which it should). But I cannot quite part with them yet.

I moved a button on a pair of jeans. This felt like progress. My weight is pre-preg but my shape is something very foreign.

Motherhood has given me everchanging breasts, but still no butt. Alas.

I wash my hair every two or three days, have it up in a barette most of the time. Floss every few days. I try to shower each day, even if it just is a rinse, and try to shave since apparently that is what sets me apart from the animals. That and cover-up.

I totally see how easy it would be to give in, give up. Stretchy pants, slept in shirts.. I walked today in my sleep outfit. But when I got home I made myself change. I think FOR ME it is important to feel as if I am "ready", which, when possible means clean teeth, deoderant, and fresh undies. When possible, it also means clothes I don't mind being seen in.

Now that I am in an apartment, folks just come to the door. Odd to be sprawled post nursing with a sleeping baby and have someone just suddenly be there. Not my favorite thing.

Pumping: I bought a medela pump on super sale but god damn it was expensive...and I still use it. I am glad I spent the money on it even though it and I are not friends. I bought a hand pump as a backup and had to use it once and I hated it completely. I have decided for sanity to pump only once a day--feed before and immediately upon returning home. I read or do work on a mini laptop while pumping. I pump in a bathroom (I did in my last job too) and it just rots. Reading/working helps a lot. Also Lynda.com is amazing for on-line learning for 25$/month unlimited access to training videos for SW and a lot of great documentaries that I hope to watch someday.

Feeding: We are still using the small medela bottles and slow flow nipples. I have med flow to try this week maybe. I will be mixing breast milk with formula, thank you What IF for the affirming suggestion! Della does not drink more than 4 oz per feeding since she is really about solids too--so we've never needed bigger bottles. I keep seeing babies drinking from them and worried (over and over) that maybe I am doing something wrong. A 22lb baby says things are fine.

New in-between car seat comes this week. I'll let you know if I like it at all once it is here. I interviewed many in real life at babys r us and gosh darn, do they HAVE to be so hard?

I am pretty sure this will not solve Della's hatred of being in the car. But it will solve the "she is too big for her baby bucket" problem if it works out.

I still have multifaceted envy but will write more about this in a different post. I met someone's newborn yesterday and felt that twinge, you know the one... and I thought goddamn it! Really? Still?

Apparently, yes. Still. Damn it.

10 months

Della, you are 10 months old and you are amazing. Kinetic does not begin to describe you, busy, active, moving, thinking, doing, babbling, grasping, trying, studying, contemplating, eating!
You love eating, and will try anything. Hate bland food or food that is too smooth. Last week a fever and rash scared me, and your tongue kept pushing food out when delivered via spoon, but fingers? Fine fine, so we ate that way all week.

This week, 22lbs, 27 1/4 inches, healthy, crazy beautiful.

Daycare starts next week, and I am feeling shaky about it. I want one on one attention for you, even though I know it is not possible in every moment. I hope you will learn to share, and learn not to pinch and bite. The place is peaceful, I was worried too peaceful. But the second visit this week included stomping boys who bang things together so that is good news for me. I did not want you to get used to too much quiet.

Your favorite book is goodnight gorilla and you turn to the goodnight goodnight goodnight page over and over and grin while I read it over and over and over.

You play peekaboo by hiding behind the chair, and giggle in anticipation before you pop out. It is adorable and you really laugh.

You do not laugh easily so when you laugh it is extra special delightful. You smile often, are totally charming and engaging. You cry to let me know you are not happy with a choice, a moment, or a sensation.

You have abandoned your foray into early language except for a noise you repeat often, sort of an aoup noise. Sometimes appp. But when mom visited us yesterday you said many things right after her, which you never do with me. I am amazed at how different you are with each one of us.

Your dad is coming home (praise god/goddess/all-that-is) tonight for 4 whole days... the weekend home, monday and tuesday working with normal commute, then back to maine, but I am hopeful that normalcy can be created for us all very soon. You are not difficult, but this has been very hard.

You love music. You turn on music and dance, arms flopping, a big grin on your face.

You love being outdoors, love our walks, love pulling grass, love swinging.

You do not like being put down while I am up. I have become adept at face washing one handed, but still need two for dishes and for buttoning my pants.

Breast feeding is still working well for us, but you are suddenly not that interested in breast milk from a bottle. Formula? Fine fine. Breastmilk? Not so much. This is causing me angst. Nursing works fine, but working means pumping and pumping means bottles.

So, my little one, happy birthday. You are the most amazing thing that has happened to me. I can hardly remember "before". I do remember sleep though, and look forward to it sometime in the future.

10 months. Wow. What a wild and wonderful mindblowing ride this has been so far.

Free egg donor cycle opportunity

Our friends at Shady Grove are giving away a free donor egg cycle to one of the participants in their upcoming donor egg seminar in Philidelphia a week from Saturday (Sept 10). If you know of anyone who is considering a DE cycle, this seems like a great opportunity. Their success rates are great.

exhalation

The house is sold.
The new owner sent me the most lovely of lovely heartfelt notes, a true blessing, love, glitter, cavorting wild ponies. I felt more than moved, I felt shifted. Like a wonderful gift had been passed on to the next person who needed it. A talisman of sorts. The house saved me after Jeff's death. It was my declaration that life was worth living, creating, and gardens were worth planting. I am not sure the timing for the new owner, but I feel as if maybe, for them, it is just the right time too. And maybe, maybe, this is just the right thing for me in this moment, a gathering in, contemplation, hope set out like river stones, unread runes.

I am exhaling.
Feeling my knots loosen just a little. At least that knot. Those knots.
Beloved objects passed along to be beloved. Nothing is lost that way really.

I have a weird relationship to love. I tend to love with intensity, sometimes grudgingly, but then, with impressive tenacity.

Daycare begins maybe next week for my gregarious Della.
I am ready to have a more consistent schedule so I can work and create with a more steady foundation of knowing what days are for what... I do better that way, scaffolding I guess. The wire net under plaster.

So-- today, working. TammyLove is here after her vacation, and Della is so happy (as am I).

This morning, up before 4 to watch Orion rise over the trees, his belt vertical.
Me, I'm tired, my heart is sore, I have a LOT of work to do that I am avoiding but will plunge back into once I hit post.
I am ready for simplicity I think. Calm. A while of not frantically seeking work/packing/unpacking/freaking out...
I am ready to be for a while.

So, yes, exhalation.

words

ba= ball
kehkeh= kitty cat
nigh nigh= night night
adam = ADAM! No kidding! A beloved cousin-- spoken clearly over the weekend
and, today, with Doug at the door, Da Da.

Still not walking unassisted (praise the gods)
Still eating almost anything from a spoon, fork, or from my fingers but not self feeding
Still amazingly wonderfully fabulously great
Still hates the car and car seat more than anything (yesterday's drive back was complete hell)

Looking for advice on car seats for tiny cars (Scion XA)-- she is almost too big for her infant bucket and is in need of the next size up- suggestions are welcome!

amnesia

There are so many moments when I forget all that I know--
a crying baby, what do I do?
it's as if, for a moment, I am wiped clean of all prior knowledge and experience, and start again guessing, trying to find solutions. Sometimes it is all about incorrect assumptions-- Della hates the car seat, so it is easy to forget that the crying (oh how she cries!) might just mean that she's hungry.

I forget what works for me too-- go outside.
Walk.
MOVE.
Brew and drink (or just sniff) tea.
Stop everything I am trying to do, or wishing I could do, or whatever, just stop, breathe, be.
Whenever I try to move beyond what is possible in the moment, and come up against the reality-- too tired, too busy, cannot right now... I just frustrate myself. I am trying to learn to notice sooner, and ease into being in the moment as it truly is.

Della is just about walking, and is just amazing in her mobility, intensity, gummy grins, claps, and focus. She is the most wonderful companion.

This morning I tried something new-- we've been waking very early (5 somethingorother), and I lie there feeling like what I need to be doing more than anything in the whole wide world is sleeping when sleep is just not possible, we are AWAKE... it is a sucky way to start the day... so today! I got up! I unpacked boxes, raised dust, showered, got laundry ready to go in (not before 9! see what I learned?), went for a long long walk with Della in the Bjorn on a new path, a bike path, woodsy, great smelling, sounds of traffic and morning birds... a new place, a new normal, a new walk... we walked for an hour and came back, nursed, and went to pick up Linda Jane who has helped me since morning. We stopped at the grocery, came home, and, since it was just after 9 I put in laundry!

I have unpacked many boxes, made the bathroom bathroomable, made the bedroom much more organized, unpacked 2,3,4 boxes in the kitchen, made insanely delicious pumpkin bread, did laundry and folded it and put it away!
sneezed 80zillion times, blew my nose twice that number, but really, truly, today I made progress in a lot of ways.

Sunday I felt a knot loosening in my gut, the house knot... the closing is monday at 11:00 and I do not have to attend (power of attorney, praise the real estate gods)...
and a complexity knot.

I like my part time job, and I have learned some important things: I like working there. not here. not here in the room next to Della. My attention always feels fractured and I love being able to focus, on her, or on work. I like being around smart people, I like learning new things. I am not sure if I will be able to stay there or not, as it does not cover gas (it is far away) and child care, but it is a great diversion and I am enjoying that.

Ok, Della asleep on LJ, and me, snotty but feeling a wee bit more Kate.
HURRAH