An invitation

I want to invite you all to join me on March 23,24 and 25th for a completely free virtual weekend retreat. Wherever you may be, let’s join psychic forces and share the intention to move one of our creative projects (or more!) closer to completion.  

Most of us have a backlog of unfinished business.

Most of us have creative projects, not quite abandoned, but left in some intermediate point between the sweet intensity of the beginning of a creative endeavor and the equally sweet but often loaded end.

Some projects may be close to being done but we just have not been able to do that last thing… or we have hesitated to call it “done” so we can move on. Having the project remain open and unfinished is often important to us.

Maybe over the course of the weekend we can finish something, wrap it up, release it…. or maybe we can move one of our projects closer to completion… or maybe the most we can do with the time available is to make an honest assessment about what it will take to bring one of our projects to some sort of closure…

And let’s take advantage of  the moment and the shared experience to expand this to a more general atmosphere of assessment and release: What habits of thought or work habits or avoidance habits are no longer serving us? What can we let go of so we can more forward with a little less weight?

The retreat will open with a virtual campfire friday night the 23rd with a video greeting from me (view it anytime!)– and throughout the weekend I’ll be posting several videos and short entries to support the difficult but rewarding work of finishing and letting go.

The hope is that no matter where you are, no matter what your time zone, or family situation, or amount of energy or time, we can join together with the shared intention of addressing challenges in our creative lives with whatever time we have- 5 minutes, fine! a whole day? magnificent!

Even if you have just a few minutes to join in, stop by at my heartwork site or at that place we go for a little support and community building (please share comments!)– I’ll be trying something new this time and I’ll be cross posting in both locations.

Know someone who might be interested? Please pass it on! The invitation is open!

this morning

Our real life. 

Metaphor warning

We got a lot of snow here in Peterborough, New Hampshire. We had almost 10" by this morning, and it snowed all day. This is not like the giant snows of my childhood, but it is the biggest snow by far this winter.
The last snow we had like this was in October.

I picked Della up at daycare today, and as I drove down the slippery streets, I realized that I never approach anything else like I do driving in snow.

In snow, you get a little stuck, you rock the car. You get pushed out. Or towed.
You stop at a stop sign or light, you can start up in second, a little lower RPMs, a little less likely to slip...
If there's a ridge, you can back up and then shoot over/through it with the power of momentum...

When I am driving in snow, I just do these things. I don't think OBSTACLE, GOD/GODDESS/ALL-THAT-IS MUST NOT WANT ME TO DO THIS,  or I FAILED, or I SUCK, or I KNEW IT/I DESERVE STRUGGLE.

No, I just drive and it is really pretty peaceful as long as I am not out of control, can still brake, and am not in any danger.


So there I was, rocking the car a bit to get unstuck, starting up in second, backing up to make it over a hump and I realized just how much I need to channel this rather matter of fact kate into this much more quick to assume I'm incompetent kate.

And for a while I felt pretty smug about my realization.

Then tonight, Della had a tantrum that had her crying so hard she threw up on Doug and I was right back to the I SUCK part of the program.

She's fine, sleeping now, was lovely afterwards.  I do not know the actual trigger, it was baffling. Just suddenly there, full blown, boneless baby flinging herself and crying so hard it was scary.  All I could do was corral her into a safe area while she flailed.  It sucked.

It is times like these that I feel starved for a  WHY. Just so I can understand what happened.
But, there is no why that I can understand. We are still learning to speak the same language. I have to be ok with not knowing. Or be not ok, it does not change the not knowing.

You can bet I'll be visiting the helpful links that folks shared last time I confessed that the potential for the dreaded tantrum is apparently now something I need to be mindful of... I'm a pretty tender person, this takes real strength that I need to foster from somewhere, dig deep, do this thing.  I have to admit, I really, really wanted to get off easy.

Happy leap day

Snow
Fever
Mindful return to the fungie (7 minutes is my magical number)
Heater cranked up against my achy chills
Lights on against the dark

Hot water with a shot of chai (a dreamy drink, try it sometime!, not a latte) scenting the room with spicy wonderfulness.
A great talk with my sister to kick off the day.
I feel shitty, but things do not suck.  So I'm up when maybe I should be down...but I kind of don't want to sleep through it!

I just sort of feel like things are brewing and things are possible, even if I don't know what. Maybe just tea  with toast and cinnamon, maybe a wild rush of work that needs doing will get done. Maybe all of that wonderful soul work I've been working on will be percolating away in my periphery, about to blurp out something ah-ha-tasitc.

Even if today just brings the feelings of possibility and unsuckiness and the magic of snowfall?
I'm in.

Happy leap day everyone.

Dodgeball

Della is sick again, a fevery snotty thing, where she is holding her mouth open and drooling copiously. Today was a day of fitful napping and much crying, snot and drool, and not letting me let her down even for a moment. This is hard, and I'm tired, and sad for her for feeling shitty *again*-- I swear it feels like we get something new just as the last thing is starting to feel resolved. I feel so bad for her for feeling so bad so often these past months. Daycare is a blessing, it really is, but there are parts of it that totally suck. This tour of viral infestations is certainly a major downside.

Doug has arranged to stay home with her tomorrow. We try to take turns with this. All I can say is that I now feel like a time bomb... with our track record so far, she and I tend to share bugs. Doug, with his superhuman, works-with-kids immune system, seems to dodge more than he catches.

In happier news, she is talking a lot more-- many words are coming out besides armpit. We also have elbow, "oss" or "osh" for "off", she says "upanda" for up and down, things that are hot or cold she says are hot, there are bowls now and she knows how to whisper.  She holds her finger up and says shhhh.  She wants to be swaddled a million times in a row, but let out immediately please.  She still says "mo" for more, with the sign, but instead of the Grommet-esque fists, she now bounces her fingertips together, my big girl.

She gets intonation; to ask questions in her Della-language, she knows to go up at the end.

She is totally amazing, adorable, growing too fast, and simply rocks my world.
Now, please excuse me while I go drink some elderberry and pray to the virus gods to spare me.

quick photo

I'm cheating since this is from a few weeks back--We stopped at the Seuss sculpture garden in Springfield on the way to my sister's house. We also went into the science museum to see the dinosaurs. I'm sure we'll go back-- it is a great stopping point with much to see and do, and not too big or overwhelming or crowded.

I suddenly looked into the future: Peabody museum! Mystic aquarium! A zoo!

She can now say armpit.

Babble and stuff

So this month I've been challenging myself to post every day at my heartwork site. It has been really hard-- logistically, energetically, and also, just wondering what the heck to post. Sometimes there is something ready to spill out, and other times? Not so much.  It has been really really good for me though, to try to get into the headspace to write or share on such a regular basis.  I miss it. I've missed it. I'll probably miss it again, but I am trying to build the habit of posting more often.

Anyway, I invite you to go take a look-- I've done a cross-post or two (on valentines day, for example) but most of the content over there is independent.

Back here at I can't whistle, we are entering the phase of the mini tantrum. Well, to be fair, we're all not entering into it. Doug seems to have better coping skills and I tend to cry rather than rage. But Della? Rigid body, wailing unhappiness, not often, just beginning, but enough to make me realize what a wimp I am and that I'd better get a backbone, pronto.

Today was easier than yesterday. Yesterday, faced with my first real experience of this, I spent too long trying to soothe and understand, and all that did was prolong the 110dB horribleness of baby wailing in front of building filled with other people's apartments in the early morning hours.... Today, I tried to soothe while stuffing said rigid unhappy baby into babyseat. It took half the time as yesterday. Della is STRONG. Really, really strong.

So! On a happy note, our very unhappy pickups at daycare have improved too, thanks to my ASKING FOR HELP (novel idea, eh?).  When I get there, one of the lovely adult people comes over and helps get Della's coat on while I gather leftover food containers etc, we all swirl around gathering and clothing and then, voila! Off we go.

Della is a joy, so this weirdness has been extra weird.  We're all just not used to it.  When she cries a certain kind of cry, I cannot think clearly toward a resolution.  My only thought is more of a visceral instinct to MAKE IT STOP (sorry about the use of capital letters in this post, apparently I need EMPHASIS today and italics are JUST NOT ENOUGH).

Developmentally, she is doing great-- her language comprehension is amazing-- she will try to say most things when prompted, (platypus was particularly cute), meows when we are almost home and she realizes she'll soon see the cat, has many words and noises that begin with B: ball, baa, butt, boob, breast..... um, yeah.
She points at her belly button and delightedly yells BUTT! which is not entirely incorrect, just incomplete. You should see her smile so very proudly.

She loves music, so much, in fact, we play the opening to Phineas and Ferb over and over and over, and the opening music for Bones. Ahh yes. She dances and dances and dances, and even hums to herself a little sing songy thing when she plays sometimes. Very cool.

She totally has Up and Down, knows what they mean and practices saying them and practices doing them by standing up and sitting down.
She likes to stand UP on her rocking zebra, circus style, then will sit DOWN only after much parental freak out.

She has a great sense of humor-- truly-- anticipates jokes, laughs loudly like I do... wonderful drool when she laughs too hard.

I think I've stopped pumping.  Midday when Della is at daycare, I was pumping, but moved the time farther and farther until I could make it until I pick her up.  Yes, engorged, but happy to not be pumping. My pump has a new and happy home that it will arrive at next week... and I will not miss it. Transitions suck for me. I'm just sayin.

Things we are loving this week: playtex cups with handles and straws (from target)... the cheaper ones we got on amazon were horrible ear poppingly difficult unfun and now gone.  Yo baby vanilla yoghurt.   Carter's ruffle butted cotton leggings/pants (come in a two pack, are soft and stretchy, and have a very forgiving elastic waist).  Old navy socks (target ones suck rocks).  Bananas. Gala apples. Spicy mustard. Sausage.

Della is finally in size 4 diapers. She is 28.25 lbs and 30" long, so a bit shortish and in the 98% percentile for weight. I was round too, so I get it.

How do you get your kids to learn to brush teeth? She has many-- 4 top and bottom and a single set (4) of opposing molars to boot. She'll chew on the brush, but won't let me in there to do a proper job.

Ok! That's all I have time for in this moment.
Thanks for stopping by!