alongside

"there isnt a soul on the planet who hasn't experienced the doubtful chatter alongside the creation. "

Bless you, Jen Gray.

For all of you self doubters, give yourself a gift and go read this post.

midnight dragons

I have spent so much of my life fearing failure- not wanting to fuck up, make folks mad, disappoint anyone, make a mistake.....
But real life is full of failures-- small ones, big ones, many I am sure I could have avoided, while many others sure seem to have been unavoidable....
I am good at some things, bad at others, and there are a billion billion things I have not tried. When I was younger I was afraid of trying and failing, so often I would not try at all-- I was that afraid of additional failure. And really so much of that still holds true. I have not grown out of it yet.

But I have learned that failure is part of what happens-- the whole IF thing is all about trying to snatch (as it were) victory out of the jaws of defeat--- it felt like nothing but a great parade of failures big and small--but for once that was what I was fighting against rather than folding in the face of--I was fighting the presumption of failure-- I made plans, learned new things, tried new things (and how), and failed and failed and failed and all the while, I admit, part of me fully expected failure to win.
And then
much to my astonishment and against crazy odds, I succeeded.

Whoa, I say, I don't know how to do this part-- I feel apologetic, I say.
When the few folks who know ask me how things are going I say fine, so far. so far. I qualify externally when talking with folks, and I qualify inside my head and heart as if somehow that could cushion a blow if something goes wrong (while I know nothing can).

Dear friends of my darlin miscarried this weekend at week 12. It feels so cruel-- you're out of the woods! But no. And my heart is breaking for them. I say I cannot imagine it, do not want to imagine it, and yet, to be honest, it is something I imagine every day.

I am looking for boogie men. Yes, I say, so far.... as far as I know... yes, things are going fine I hope.... but my heart feels so cautious, I dare not fall into this idea of YES THIS IS GOING FINE. because what if I'm wrong?

I asked myself in the middle of the night if my fear of failure has turned into some perverted fear of success-- I admit I am scared shitless of parenthood-- I am not a lover of all kids no matter what, and not a natural when holding other people's babies-- I was no ones nanny, babysat only twice in my whole long life, have no younger siblings, did not play with dolls (unless I was performing surgery with cuticle scissors on the ironing board)-- there is nothing about this that I know.

but I think I realize that I don't yet look at this as success.

I am too scared to drop my guard as if somehow the mere intensity of my guard is what is making this work (so far). So many of you post-IF pregnancy folks have written about your fear of jinxing it-- no, do not put on the maternity clothes, no do not tell folks yet, no do not.......
as if if we relax into this the tiniest bit, we will open the chasm held shut by the power of our fear.

Gosh darn, wouldn't it be great if our fear could be so powerful!? Then all the dragons would be slayed and we'd all be home.

vanity and heart stones

Some things I have been loving recently:

Ok, as of a few years back I am a painted toenail girl (Jane is laughing)-- and a few weeks ago I went to take off my nail polish prior to a re-do and my new-found-conscience-voice said NO. um... so now what? I went online and found Honeybee Gardens-- they have non-toxic remover (works on ALL polish, just be patient)-- and non toxic polish in some really yummy colors-- I do the pale, but they also do the vivid. You need to apply this at night, and let it cure while you sleep (about a half hour before you can go tangle in the sheets)-- I cannot say enough about this polish or the remover which is totally non-noxious.

Ahh vanity. Along that line, the belly oil I got was really embarrassingly expensive (seriously, 42 bucks) from Belli-- I love lavender and wanted something symbolic and luscious so I just went ahead and got it. I have no idea if it will make the slightest difference in my eventual stretchmarkitude (should I be so lucky)-- I am a stretch marky gal BUT in the meantime, it is the one nod to body care that I have indulged in that is specific to acknowledging this pregnancy and I like the way it smells. It is THICK though so your best bet is to put it on right after you shower and stay nekkid for a while before you dress so it can soak in. There's a smaller version in the pregnancy product sampler if you want to try it.

For heart instead of body-- I just bought myself one of Superhero's newly designed heart necklaces. If you have not stopped by her blog, please do. She is amazing. Someday I hope we'll have tea.

And because I love them more than I can say-- lovely painted rocks from dancingmermaid (mccabe) come every month or so (a wonderful christmas present from my darlin)-- and the one that arrived yesterday says Flow. Earlier this year were Create, Hold hope, and Shine. The set I linked to is exactly that: a set-- but near the end of the year keep alert for her announcement of the magical monthly subscription since I am not sure much is better than a little surprise in the mail.

And I am not sure if Hold Hope could have come at a better time.

A crampy uncomfortable night, and wild dreamed interrupted sleep but mostly, an odd feeling of reassurance-- the cramps made me feel reconnected. I cannot pretend I have a handle on myself and my responses but I am feeling grateful today instead of blue. I'll take it.

100

Wow, my 100th post.
Since last November, somehow there've been almost 6000 visits to my blog (ohmygosh THANK YOU!).
I never would have imagined when I began that by this point I would be pregnant. What a colossal surprise...
or that I would have the opportunity to meet such wonderful people in this on-line community... that through the blog I would reconnect with such a dear and beloved friend (Jane)-- and that I would forge a new kind of connection with a loved relative (Jenn)...

I never would have imagined how touched I would be by your stories, and how loudly I would cheer, or how sad I would be with successes and setbacks. And I never would have imagined just how supported I would feel.

You all make me feel much less alone in the scary things and in the uncomfortable admissions, and the strange weird crazy world that is the IF journey, and then, finally, the strange and crazy world of pregnancy after IF journey which is so much less simple than I expected.

So--
Me? I'm better today (yesterday clearly sucked rocks). I am pretty pragmatic and often just need to do something to feel better so I did-- I gathered information, I asked for support, and I gave myself a talking to last night-- told myself that blue and tired this morning was ok, to be expected, a good sign. And through some miracle I slept through the night for the first time since my positive test result.

So thanks to all of you-- this morning, I am coping much better. A little less tired, a lot less blue.
As my sister says, when you are this tired, it is hard to know what is tired and what is blue. At least on the inside, on a normal day, I am a pretty active and energetic person-- to feel otherwise is totally foreign. And this pregnancy is simply kicking my ass.

I will need to keep reminding myself (to overcome my pathological emotional amnesia) that this is normal, this is normal, this is normal. And, with any luck at all, in about a month, I'll be pulling out of it and into the twinkly starry skied land of second trimester. But today? 8 weeks. Sprout is the size of a blueberry.
And me? I'm bigger than a breadbox.

blue mornings

I realize that while I am lucky in that I do not have debilitating nausea-related morning sickness (for which I am grateful)- I am really having a hard time with the blueness and exhaustion-- specially in the morning. I have done a great job overall reframing them as kind reminders for me to take is slowly and easily and I am trying to pay attention to when I need to slow down-- But I woke this morning feeling like SUCH SHIT that it scared me- that kind of blue, that kind of tired.  

My relationship with depression is a bad one, not my own depression, but knowing the devastation that it can wreck. So the mere fact of it makes me feel out of control and scared. Really scared.  I am trying to remind myself that this is temporary, that, oddly, it is a good sign, that means things are still happening, that progesterone has depression as a side effect, that it does not last all day all the time all bad all deep all dark-- it waxes and wanes. It is worst when I wake up and when I allow myself to get too tired or when I fight the tired with myriad shoulds  (should vacuum, should work in the garden, should take a walk, should should should). 

I am still having some cramping (mostly at night) but it is not awful. And I am having moments of queasy what-the-fuck-ness. But they are not awful either. The main thing I am feeling is bad. Just emotionally and physically dragged down.  I hate this, since it is counter productive and counter intuitive, and really, who hears about this ever?  Post partum depression, sure-- but prenatal?  

As I said it is not constant. I am fine right now for example (once I stopped fighting the tired and the shoulds and came in and put my feet up). But I wanted to write about it just in case you know someone who knows someone who needs to know they're not alone.

I am aware of worrying more when I am blue, find myself worrying that things have stopped progressing, that my next ultrasound in a week and a half (GOOD LORD PEOPLE) is going to be bad news...  I get worked down (not up-- it is not a high energy state)-- it is more like a feeling of heavy resignation than agitation.  

So I am managing all of this weirdness by trying to keep my blood sugar up a little more consciously/conscientiously,  by trying to remember this is a very good sign, and reframing it as my particular brand of morning sickness.  But shit folks,  I am starting to dread mornings.

survivor's guilt, and pasta belly

Ok then internet, I find myself feeling very very cautious about talking about pregnancy stuff, especially anything that smacks of blueness, or fragility, or ambivalence and fear and weird dislocated separateness in the face of so many wonderful folks who would dang near kill to be in my position-- And I am also cautious and aware that I do not want to sound like I am gloating either-- like look at my symptoms! Aren't they something! Isn't this magical!
I find myself poised with fingers over the keys wondering what is safe to say, what will be the least hurtful, what would be fair.

I need to say outright that I do not mean in any way to be insensitive, and hate the idea I might say something that will alienate or make someone feel shittier than they already do about such an insanely emotionally loaded topic. I want to apologize in some odd way-- some sort of weird desperate declaration of still being part of the team--like I want to say Hey, I've been there too and was there a long while, it sucks rocks!-- I got here by accident!
It's like I feel embarrassed and apologetic about being so lucky.

So, with my heart wide open and meaning no offense to anyone, I decided I will go ahead and write about what I'm feeling anyway since that is why I started this blog. And I totally get it if some of you wonderful souls are not able to read it. I'll try to tag these entries with the new 5% or sprout-- so please just avoid them if you need to. So skip the rest of this one if you want.


Yesterday I woke up feeling full. Like I'd had a big pasta dinner. And every time I tucked in my shirt down the front of my pants (which I do a lot since I am peeing more), my hand touched an unfamiliar belly.

I have always been soft bellied. Always. Sometimes more (sometimes MUCH more). Sometimes not quite as much, but always enough to sink a finger in pillsburydoughboyish style but without the freakish giggle.
But yesterday, that belly was suddenly a bit firmer with the familiar squish only on the top. And it really was that sudden.

I am almost too body-aware most of the time having had a life time of belly issues--give me a twinge or a gurgle or whatever and I am ON IT. My attention is rivited, and I go through the flow chart to determine the magnitude of the threat, the proximity of the nearest bathroom, the number of minutes I might have to create options...
but I am not as tactilely aware of my own fine self (except for the hairs on my chin of which I am freakishly aware) ...
in most of my self tactile experiences I am extremely very matter-of-fact-- the lotion goes on, the shaving happens, etc etc... I am much more in touch with how I feel on the inside. Except for my belly, ah yes, the belly.

I can see it so easily and have had to interact with it in the whole fastening of the pants process, or have so many times cursed it in that shirt, or that bathing suit or that dress for oh so very long... oh yes, of all of me, I do have some rather long term tactile and visual knowledge of the belly. I have poked it disparingly a bazillion times-- and not just with needles! It is one of my favorite places to hang many of my issues with self esteem, body image, and that horrible feeling of who the hell put That there sort of like the intersection where my butt meets up with my legs and how did it go from being one crease to three when I wasn't looking!?! But I digress...
So, it was from that place of hyperfamiliarity and with an OH! feeling that I recognized the suddden change.

Gosh I am only in the middle of week 7 and with a pea sized sprout and a papaya sized uterus-- so it is not as if I am about to pop out a lovely bump anytime soon. I am simply in the beginning of the thickening stage. I knew it would happen sometime in the next few weeks if all goes well since I'd read about it and heard about it, but I did not know what that would be like-- could not quite imagine it really-- and now, at least, I know how it will begin: Suddenly.

heavy heart

I am aching for sprogblogger and musicmakermomma, I so much wanted for them to have miracles happen- this is so, so hard.

Just sending love.