First I want to apologize to anyone coming to the blog from the writing workshop this weekend-- I had a great time with so many meaningful and enriching and encouraging and inspiring moments-- and I loved meeting all of you. And I appreciate so much the support and sensitivity each of you showed when I told you of my journey. As you read my blog you will notice that I just found out I am pregnant after this last IVF in the days right before the workshop with my second test results coming as I was getting on the train. Please understand that I was too cautious to announce my pregnancy since it is so incredibly early, insanely early, not time to announce anything other than a fabulous beginning. So please do not feel misled or duped, I was just being careful- so if you are here, please know that it is hard to announce a pregnancy this early no matter what, and especially after a loss.
The workshop by Jen Lee was great. Truly. A very empowering and loving gathering of strong creative women. It will take days to process it all, but I am so glad I was brave enough to attend, and hopeful I have forged some connections that will last into the future. Jen Lee is pure magic, she just is. And I send love and appreciation to her and to the other women in the group, to Fatu and jen Lemen for their wonderful guidance. I feel very spoiled after days of storytelling and listening. I am full.
Speaking of connections,
I just met Sprogblogger and Mo and had the most wonderful time (major understatement). In case you are wondering, yes they are actually That Cool in real life, maybe even cooler. Beautiful, smart (no new news there, I know) and terrific company. How lucky am I?? VERY.
Thank you all so much for your happiness and ruckus making on my behalf. I am just moving outside of the 36 hour window of peace from the fabulous beta, and am relishing each fleeting wave of mini nausea.... tiny ones, here and there. More at night, more with empty belly. Tired and dark circled, my ligaments pull when I turn, and I just hope hope hope all is well in there.
A crinone question with TMI for sure so be warned-- every two or three days I have very copious wet discharge, clear, as if my body is trying to flush something out (sorry dad)--anyone else have this?
Still in NY tonight, back to NH tomorrow-- just feeling very grateful tonight for so many things-- for the pregnancy, for the workshop that was truly wonderful and for all of the stories and love and support and reminders of pieces of myself that I have missed for a long while, for my time with S and Mo, wonderful in every way except too short, my moment right now to be able to thank all of you-- I am so grateful for your support and wild whooping, to my sweet sister Sarah for posting to you while I was away (how cool was that??), and to my dear friend Alyssaa- I am perched on her sofa, at peace and at home in her company. Soon there will be Thai food. All is well.
tiny keyboard, no editing, happy to be able to say hello.
28 February 2010
27 February 2010
Thank You
Sarah here. More good signs. Kate is tired and has intermittent nausea. I read her your wonderful comments over the phone. She will not be online until Monday and I am sure she will have a lot to share at that point! Thank you all for being so amazingly supportive of my sister.
25 February 2010
Great News
Just talked to Kate. Beta # 2 is 1508!!!!!!! Kate wants you to know she may or may not have internet over the weekend while she is away. She is on the train now, experiencing joy, and trying not to cause a scene :) Go Kate!
24 February 2010
snowed in *update*
At least 11" of fresh fluffy snow which is way more than we expected
my car is low and light and I simply have to wait for the plow guy.
this, my friends, is an exercise in finding peace in things I have no control over.
If I cannot go early enough to test today (I need to be there by 10 I think)
then I will go tomorrow.
It is about 2 hours away when roads are clear. And I find myself facing the bizarre and, for me, unimaginable truth that I may just have to let this go today.
Not what I expected but nothing really is, is it?
***
yeah, no.
Not today. But tomorrow! 9am. on my way to NYC for my weekend workshop. So I will update when I can or ask my sister to- so if she posts for me, don't panic, ok? All will be well.
She said, bravely.
(BREATHE, katekate, BREATHE).
Got plowed out at 8. At the moment, I am safely at work, have an afternoon meeting up north so that should be a diversion if it happens. Hey, I'm wearing a skirt, that is a diversion unto itself.
The snow? it is so lovely-- big fat flakes, and piled up on everything. Wet enough to pile high, even on fence posts and ponies.
my car is low and light and I simply have to wait for the plow guy.
this, my friends, is an exercise in finding peace in things I have no control over.
If I cannot go early enough to test today (I need to be there by 10 I think)
then I will go tomorrow.
It is about 2 hours away when roads are clear. And I find myself facing the bizarre and, for me, unimaginable truth that I may just have to let this go today.
Not what I expected but nothing really is, is it?
***
yeah, no.
Not today. But tomorrow! 9am. on my way to NYC for my weekend workshop. So I will update when I can or ask my sister to- so if she posts for me, don't panic, ok? All will be well.
She said, bravely.
(BREATHE, katekate, BREATHE).
Got plowed out at 8. At the moment, I am safely at work, have an afternoon meeting up north so that should be a diversion if it happens. Hey, I'm wearing a skirt, that is a diversion unto itself.
The snow? it is so lovely-- big fat flakes, and piled up on everything. Wet enough to pile high, even on fence posts and ponies.
23 February 2010
tomorrow
Me? I am rocking and humming and praying.
I am not sleeping much
worried of course
also knowing there is not one damn thing I can do about any little bit of it.
This sucks for my control freaky self.
Must.do.something.
So I am loving your notes and congratulations THANK YOU SO MUCH! It is helping me think good thoughts.
But I have to admit, in some ways, I feel like it is not quite real, and what if something happens and my numbers suck tomorrow or...
yeah. Like I'll be exposed as a charlatan. What a crazy thing.
fun things to amuse myself at 5am.
No doc appointment until after we know the number tomorrow- then, it will either be a WTF (hope not) or an ultrasound. GULP.
Of the two, please let me have the chance to worry about the ultrasound. Please please please.
Found some reassuring stats yesterday-- ignoring my age and my previous loss of course because I have to otherwise I would roll up into a ball.
Rates of miscarriage by week- ha.:
http://www.pregnancyloss.info/info-howcommon.htm weeks 3-6 10%, weeks 6-12 5%, week 12+ 3%
I know, how could this be reassuring?
because I am now in the 10ish% range, again, I am totally ignoring my age. Which I am. And will. And for me, at this moment, 10% is really helpful.
Lalalalala
holy crap.
please please please please please
I am not sleeping much
worried of course
also knowing there is not one damn thing I can do about any little bit of it.
This sucks for my control freaky self.
Must.do.something.
So I am loving your notes and congratulations THANK YOU SO MUCH! It is helping me think good thoughts.
But I have to admit, in some ways, I feel like it is not quite real, and what if something happens and my numbers suck tomorrow or...
yeah. Like I'll be exposed as a charlatan. What a crazy thing.
fun things to amuse myself at 5am.
No doc appointment until after we know the number tomorrow- then, it will either be a WTF (hope not) or an ultrasound. GULP.
Of the two, please let me have the chance to worry about the ultrasound. Please please please.
Found some reassuring stats yesterday-- ignoring my age and my previous loss of course because I have to otherwise I would roll up into a ball.
Rates of miscarriage by week- ha.:
http://www.pregnancyloss.info/info-howcommon.htm weeks 3-6 10%, weeks 6-12 5%, week 12+ 3%
I know, how could this be reassuring?
because I am now in the 10ish% range, again, I am totally ignoring my age. Which I am. And will. And for me, at this moment, 10% is really helpful.
Lalalalala
holy crap.
please please please please please
21 February 2010
258 reasons for happy
I am feeling the love, thank you!!! You are all so very awesome- sorry if any of you felt played, I so did not mean it that way-- it was just how it came out, and also how it came down for me-- that horrible crushing sadness, then, hours later, a reprieve. I peed again last night and the line was darker still. Faint but not as faint and that is a great thing.
My first beta today: 258.
Hot damn
and hot diggity dawg we're definitely pregnant! They called with results before we were even home from the clinic. Received a very nice congratulations from a very nice nurse. She told me my number was good and strong.
This is all very good because I peed on a stick this morning and it was no darker than yesterday's so I went into a decline (aka nosedive) assuming all was lost. (I can easily make myself TOTALLY insane here. Watch me.) So this fine and good number is helping a LOT. And we'll do this again on wednesday to check for appropriate doubling.
I slept about 47 seconds last night, so I really really need to nap.
But I also do not want to miss one moment of this happy stunned giddy holyshit feeling.
Just so you know, especially those who watch themselves closely during the 2ww- symptoms of pregnancy are absent-- tired, yes. And my boobs are sore when I poke them but nothing significantly different. The only remarkable things (now that i know I am pregnant) are that I am crampy and I have the lower ab pulling sensation when I turn over (I've had that for a week and thought i was insane). And I thought I was going to throw up this morning but that was pure pee stick related stress. And a faint fucking line can still mean a fine beta, even with the best FRER test sticks.
I do not think I have ever said Please so many times in my life.
Please let this work, please let this work, please let this work.
Through some miracles, we've made it through the 5% to get this far, now I hope I can make it into the 60% that lets this pregnancy stay.
And I know I cannot say thank you enough to all of you-- thank you for pulling for me, for hoping with me, for supporting me so kindly. Thank you for crying with happiness at this admittedly surprising news. Let's hope this works. I am so ready to be off this ride and onto the next one (preferably with minimal drama).
Thank you all so much. No matter what happens, I cannot tell you what this community means to me. Without you I'd be lost.
My first beta today: 258.
Hot damn
and hot diggity dawg we're definitely pregnant! They called with results before we were even home from the clinic. Received a very nice congratulations from a very nice nurse. She told me my number was good and strong.
This is all very good because I peed on a stick this morning and it was no darker than yesterday's so I went into a decline (aka nosedive) assuming all was lost. (I can easily make myself TOTALLY insane here. Watch me.) So this fine and good number is helping a LOT. And we'll do this again on wednesday to check for appropriate doubling.
I slept about 47 seconds last night, so I really really need to nap.
But I also do not want to miss one moment of this happy stunned giddy holyshit feeling.
Just so you know, especially those who watch themselves closely during the 2ww- symptoms of pregnancy are absent-- tired, yes. And my boobs are sore when I poke them but nothing significantly different. The only remarkable things (now that i know I am pregnant) are that I am crampy and I have the lower ab pulling sensation when I turn over (I've had that for a week and thought i was insane). And I thought I was going to throw up this morning but that was pure pee stick related stress. And a faint fucking line can still mean a fine beta, even with the best FRER test sticks.
I do not think I have ever said Please so many times in my life.
Please let this work, please let this work, please let this work.
Through some miracles, we've made it through the 5% to get this far, now I hope I can make it into the 60% that lets this pregnancy stay.
And I know I cannot say thank you enough to all of you-- thank you for pulling for me, for hoping with me, for supporting me so kindly. Thank you for crying with happiness at this admittedly surprising news. Let's hope this works. I am so ready to be off this ride and onto the next one (preferably with minimal drama).
Thank you all so much. No matter what happens, I cannot tell you what this community means to me. Without you I'd be lost.
20 February 2010
7 things
THANK YOU Sprogblogger and baby,interrupted (who just got an awesome beta yesterday!)
Thanks for the sweet award!
Award rules:
1) Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award
2) Copy the award and place it in your blog
3) Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you
5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs
1. For about 8 years of my childhood, from 1st through 8th grade, I grew up on a small (4 acres maybe) subsistence farm in Connecticut, in a yuppy preppy town. We had a cow, chickens, rabbits, pigs, geese, a horse, a pony, amazing gardens tended by my mom, a big green stake bed truck. We had apple trees with tiny bitter yellow warty fruit, and lilac bushes, and secret paths. We had a hay barn, and two cats, and a dog. We had concord grape vines, and a semi circular gravel driveway that flanked an open field. It was the coolest place in the world, and I dream of it so often, I am often surprised when I wake and find myself elsewhere. I changed schools a lot during those years, so home for me was the stable thing. A climbing tree (a sturdy maple), a red maple that held one end of the rope hammock, a rain barrel, a magnolia tree. A rickety above ground pool that saved our asses many a hot summer day. The town we lived in was not filled with farms, I was the only farm kid I knew except my sister. I remember bringing a chicken to school with me one day for show and tell. I remember I brought it in a hoover vacuum box. A lot about my childhood sucked ass-- I was sick a lot with belly issues (colitis), school stressed me out horribly, and it was just really hard for me being out in the world since I never knew when I would be stuck in the bathroom or in a crisis trying to find one. But home? The farm? I cannot tell you what it meant to me.
2. When I started college I thought I would be a modern dancer since it was something I was enjoying doing, it was not a choice so much as a default- then I got injured and had to reassess. It was impossible for me to imagine what I would want to do- I've never had a calling, never had one outstanding talent, never had a when-I-grow-up-I'll..... so, so much of my life has felt accidental and reactive-- responding to what comes up, situations or opportunities that arise. After the injury I had a bunch of aptitude tests done and the fellow doing the testing said that I had great 3-D visualization ability, perhaps I should consider Imaging Science... the time came for a change, and I went to a new school, took Imaging Science. I graduated in a shitty economy and took the first job offered-- and began a career that I have never ever felt passionately about. I became an expert in something now obsolete, but it lead me through jobs at three companies- the last is the one I am at now. I have been here for 12 years. I love my coworkers (love working with smart people!) and love working with customers, love technical troubleshooting, love helping make things work. But I do not love what I do. And I have always felt that there are pieces missing, like I took a wrong turn and am not quite lost but a few blocks away from where I should be.
3. I've been talking with my sister a lot lately about how we thought that if we were nice, tried hard, followed the rules, that we would succeed. And we've both come to the realization that the ones who really succeed are those who question and push and ask for more than what is offered, dream new things, test boundaries or simply not believe in them, are nice perhaps but not as a rule... and it is a hard thing to learn at this late date that what I should have been learning is risk taking, dreaming big, trial and error, learning that failing is OK, try again, try something else.
4. I have always feared failure. It has kept me from trying new things, exploring, and I do not think I regret too many things more than this. I wish I had grown up in the generation of video games, fail and try again is part of the process of playing, it is expected, it is not a show stopper, it does not mean you are unworthy or an idiot or a failure.....I wish I had known I would live through failure. I did not fail a class until college where I got a D. And I honestly did not know what to do- it was a required class, calc 3, infinite series, what the hell.... I had to take it. So I took it again as a audit, and then, I took it again for credit. I may have a fear of failure but apparently I also have tenacity. But only because I had to. I wonder who I would have become if I had somehow learned to fear less and risk more, and realize that failure is often a part of learning, and it was separate from my kateness.
5. I've written about this before. I love food. Being gluten free, dairy free, egg free has been such a pain in the ass. I miss food, I miss cheese, I miss bread, I miss making bread and baking. I am not much of a cook at all, but I sure do love baking. So since the dietary change, I have felt bereft, have found some things that are ok, but also realize that eating has lost a lot of joy for me. I am trying very hard to find things I love-- I made a great turkey meatloaf twice now that is really great. made a chocolate cake that was DIVINE but nearly killed me (still not sure what thing caused me trouble)-- the issue is not that I will stop breathing, but that I will be incapacitated with horrible belly issues, pain, and be stuck in the bathroom. So I cannot experiment too much. I want to identify 15 great meals, and several really yummy count-on-it treats. So far I've got about 4 and 1.
6. On Christmas day, as we pulled into my sister's driveway, Doug turned to me and asked me to marry him. He had asked before, and I'd always said not yet. My prior experience, as you may know, was horrid. But in that moment, his face said something different, and my mouth said something different too. I said Yes. And then, because I am kate, I proceeded to freak the fuck out for several days of inconsolable grief. Fucking PTSD. Anyway, I surfaced slowly, and realized that perhaps if a marriage signified what already is, is a celebration of a commitment that already exists and a relationship that is already loving and supportive, maybe I do not have to be so scared. Don't ask me for a date, I'm not quite that evolved yet. But I am very happy in my own quiet neurotic way and so very lucky to be with this wonderful person.
7. I peed on a stick this morning at 4:45. It was negative. I got back into bed, told Doug who pulled me close. I could not sleep, lay there tortured and grief stricken and heavy with sadness. Doug got up at 6ish, because he is crazy like that. And I stayed in bed, trying to sleep, trying very hard not to feel all I was feeling. I told myself I could choose to let this destroy me, or I could choose to handle it some other way. But I suck at that, and finally I dreamed some and fretted a lot, and basically felt the sucking hell of grief pulling be down. I hauled my ass out of bed at 9, was planning a heart pounding consolation hike.. had to pee again at 9:15. And just happened to look at the stick I'd left on the sink from the 4:45 peeing and....
there was the faintest ever second line. Evaporation line, I said to myself. Fucking cruel joke universe, ha ha. But I peed on another stick anyway because I had to even though it was only a few hours later.
And there was a very very faint second line.
Holy shit people. In this moment, this one, this very moment, however faintly, I am pregnant.
Some of the many beautiful bloggers in my universe:
Maredsous Just had her DE FET yesterday! PUPO baby.
Traci Twin monsters on board!
Peanut Noodle (Lara) Pregnant!
K gestating twins!
B expecting Ishkabibble any day now!
Kate of Impatiently Waiting 38 weeks!
Jem of Ambivalent Womb, currently going through several levels of hell.
Thanks for the sweet award!
Award rules:
1) Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award
2) Copy the award and place it in your blog
3) Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you
5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs
1. For about 8 years of my childhood, from 1st through 8th grade, I grew up on a small (4 acres maybe) subsistence farm in Connecticut, in a yuppy preppy town. We had a cow, chickens, rabbits, pigs, geese, a horse, a pony, amazing gardens tended by my mom, a big green stake bed truck. We had apple trees with tiny bitter yellow warty fruit, and lilac bushes, and secret paths. We had a hay barn, and two cats, and a dog. We had concord grape vines, and a semi circular gravel driveway that flanked an open field. It was the coolest place in the world, and I dream of it so often, I am often surprised when I wake and find myself elsewhere. I changed schools a lot during those years, so home for me was the stable thing. A climbing tree (a sturdy maple), a red maple that held one end of the rope hammock, a rain barrel, a magnolia tree. A rickety above ground pool that saved our asses many a hot summer day. The town we lived in was not filled with farms, I was the only farm kid I knew except my sister. I remember bringing a chicken to school with me one day for show and tell. I remember I brought it in a hoover vacuum box. A lot about my childhood sucked ass-- I was sick a lot with belly issues (colitis), school stressed me out horribly, and it was just really hard for me being out in the world since I never knew when I would be stuck in the bathroom or in a crisis trying to find one. But home? The farm? I cannot tell you what it meant to me.
2. When I started college I thought I would be a modern dancer since it was something I was enjoying doing, it was not a choice so much as a default- then I got injured and had to reassess. It was impossible for me to imagine what I would want to do- I've never had a calling, never had one outstanding talent, never had a when-I-grow-up-I'll..... so, so much of my life has felt accidental and reactive-- responding to what comes up, situations or opportunities that arise. After the injury I had a bunch of aptitude tests done and the fellow doing the testing said that I had great 3-D visualization ability, perhaps I should consider Imaging Science... the time came for a change, and I went to a new school, took Imaging Science. I graduated in a shitty economy and took the first job offered-- and began a career that I have never ever felt passionately about. I became an expert in something now obsolete, but it lead me through jobs at three companies- the last is the one I am at now. I have been here for 12 years. I love my coworkers (love working with smart people!) and love working with customers, love technical troubleshooting, love helping make things work. But I do not love what I do. And I have always felt that there are pieces missing, like I took a wrong turn and am not quite lost but a few blocks away from where I should be.
3. I've been talking with my sister a lot lately about how we thought that if we were nice, tried hard, followed the rules, that we would succeed. And we've both come to the realization that the ones who really succeed are those who question and push and ask for more than what is offered, dream new things, test boundaries or simply not believe in them, are nice perhaps but not as a rule... and it is a hard thing to learn at this late date that what I should have been learning is risk taking, dreaming big, trial and error, learning that failing is OK, try again, try something else.
4. I have always feared failure. It has kept me from trying new things, exploring, and I do not think I regret too many things more than this. I wish I had grown up in the generation of video games, fail and try again is part of the process of playing, it is expected, it is not a show stopper, it does not mean you are unworthy or an idiot or a failure.....I wish I had known I would live through failure. I did not fail a class until college where I got a D. And I honestly did not know what to do- it was a required class, calc 3, infinite series, what the hell.... I had to take it. So I took it again as a audit, and then, I took it again for credit. I may have a fear of failure but apparently I also have tenacity. But only because I had to. I wonder who I would have become if I had somehow learned to fear less and risk more, and realize that failure is often a part of learning, and it was separate from my kateness.
5. I've written about this before. I love food. Being gluten free, dairy free, egg free has been such a pain in the ass. I miss food, I miss cheese, I miss bread, I miss making bread and baking. I am not much of a cook at all, but I sure do love baking. So since the dietary change, I have felt bereft, have found some things that are ok, but also realize that eating has lost a lot of joy for me. I am trying very hard to find things I love-- I made a great turkey meatloaf twice now that is really great. made a chocolate cake that was DIVINE but nearly killed me (still not sure what thing caused me trouble)-- the issue is not that I will stop breathing, but that I will be incapacitated with horrible belly issues, pain, and be stuck in the bathroom. So I cannot experiment too much. I want to identify 15 great meals, and several really yummy count-on-it treats. So far I've got about 4 and 1.
6. On Christmas day, as we pulled into my sister's driveway, Doug turned to me and asked me to marry him. He had asked before, and I'd always said not yet. My prior experience, as you may know, was horrid. But in that moment, his face said something different, and my mouth said something different too. I said Yes. And then, because I am kate, I proceeded to freak the fuck out for several days of inconsolable grief. Fucking PTSD. Anyway, I surfaced slowly, and realized that perhaps if a marriage signified what already is, is a celebration of a commitment that already exists and a relationship that is already loving and supportive, maybe I do not have to be so scared. Don't ask me for a date, I'm not quite that evolved yet. But I am very happy in my own quiet neurotic way and so very lucky to be with this wonderful person.
7. I peed on a stick this morning at 4:45. It was negative. I got back into bed, told Doug who pulled me close. I could not sleep, lay there tortured and grief stricken and heavy with sadness. Doug got up at 6ish, because he is crazy like that. And I stayed in bed, trying to sleep, trying very hard not to feel all I was feeling. I told myself I could choose to let this destroy me, or I could choose to handle it some other way. But I suck at that, and finally I dreamed some and fretted a lot, and basically felt the sucking hell of grief pulling be down. I hauled my ass out of bed at 9, was planning a heart pounding consolation hike.. had to pee again at 9:15. And just happened to look at the stick I'd left on the sink from the 4:45 peeing and....
there was the faintest ever second line. Evaporation line, I said to myself. Fucking cruel joke universe, ha ha. But I peed on another stick anyway because I had to even though it was only a few hours later.
And there was a very very faint second line.
Holy shit people. In this moment, this one, this very moment, however faintly, I am pregnant.
Some of the many beautiful bloggers in my universe:
Maredsous Just had her DE FET yesterday! PUPO baby.
Traci Twin monsters on board!
Peanut Noodle (Lara) Pregnant!
K gestating twins!
B expecting Ishkabibble any day now!
Kate of Impatiently Waiting 38 weeks!
Jem of Ambivalent Womb, currently going through several levels of hell.
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