04 January 2011

Happy New Year!

Happy new year!

I'm glad you liked the last post's poem. I LOVE it and need to remember to go back to it again and again as my courage flags.

And thank you all for the advice on pumping and going back to work. You really helped with strategy and I feel like I can do it. I will pump one extra each non work day and will have plenty to top up the bottles for the days I am at work. I keep feeling like I need to have enough frozen for the apocalypse, but perhaps I should stop thinking like that! (no kidding katekate).

On new year's day I celebrated with a hike up my hill with Miss Della-- not all the way up the hill but close. I followed moose tracks up the trail, slipping and sliding (me), so it was important to go slowly and pay close attention to where I put each foot. Pine needles and tiny pieces of leaves and bark and other tree parts peppered the snow. The moose tracks went all the way down to dirt in many places, the thaw of the day widening the hoof prints to enormous proportions.
My heart was pounding, I was sweaty all the way through all of my clothes, and it felt GREAT.
I stopped when I realized that I was pushing on as a matter of pride,legs heavy, and a very special baby strapped to my body. Pushing onward was silly, I was done. So I stopped for a while, looking out through the trees at the mountains on the far side of the valley, enjoying the soft light (ohhh my) and the peace of being in the woods with nothing but the sound of my own breath, my own heart.

Today I met up with our lovely sprogblogger, got to gawk at her amazingly peaceful bountifully cheeked Henry (gorgeous baby) and just kick back and be my own self in the midst of her amazing library/barn. Honestly, what a great day. Della was fussy as she often is, and had a hard time nursing, so I danced around the room, checked out book titles, and jiggled myself into near oblivion. Then, a major blowout diaper (good lord) and all was better. (Thanks for the handmeovers!)
We're home now with a peaceful and probably overstimulated Della, and I, for one, cannot wait to go back again. Thank you SB! We had a wonderful time!

How fun to have her in the neighborhood. How lucky am I?

Della is 2 months old today, how is that possible? Eyelashes and beautiful smile, hands that reach for toys, and a very busy forehead as she takes it all in with wide gray eyes. I am so honored to be part of this, to be able to watch, to jiggle, to soothe when I can, to witness, and, when possible, to facilitate. She is truly miraculous.
2 months. Time has simply been woooshing by at an insane rate.

I go back to work on monday, down to two days a week now in my ever-shrinking job (better than zero which I feared), and I will simply do the best I can both there (as I always do and always will) AND I will do the best I can with my own future as I create it and as it unfolds. I want so much to create something GREAT and affirming. I'm working on some ideas and hope that they start to coalesce into something coherent. Instead of waiting, I am going to take some action and see what happens. I can always change course if I need to. I want so much to do something I am very good at and enjoy. So...

Tomorrow my mom comes for a few hours, and while she is here-- I will set up my new/old ebay computer in a more comfortable place, put some software on there, and begin.

I wish us all the bravery we need to move forward in the direction of filling our lives with things/experiences/people that we love. Even a small step is a step in the right direction. I think I'll go read that poem again. I could use it right now!


Emily Erin said...

So glad that you had a good hike, are feeling more at peace with what the job/work world holds for you and that you and SB were able to meet. What a delightful way to begin 2011. So wild to think that it's been 2 months-- happy 2 month birthday Ms. Della!

Sprogblogger's mom said...

As this is "de-lurking week", I'll take the opportunity to tell you how much I love reading your blog (right after SB's). Kate, Della is soooooo beautiful. I hope she and Henry get to be good friends and playmates.
My best wishes and hopes for you as you head back to work. I am sure Della will have quality time with you. Enjoy every second--they grow up way to quickly!
Love, Sarah