11 March 2011

IF, food issues and other vices. Oh, and snot.

Thanks so much for the comments!

I wonder about IF, body image, and food addiction/issues.... It seems to be more common than not, doesn't it?
I certainly see it in myself, but I also did before IF too- I've always been an emotional eater, a carbmonger, a major binger, (although not a purger). I would binge and then have massive regret. Heck I still do (clearly) once I find an allowed treat. I binge. I scarf. I tazmaniandevil my way through an entire bag. All at once. And want more.

Since I've been off of gluten and dairy, most of the objects of my desire have been relegated to the category of dangerous (I am not missing colitis one bit)-- but I dream of pizza, croissants, bread... um bread... toasted cheese sandwiches, you get the point I am sure.
Alfredo sauce.

But I digress.

The point is, if I *could* binge without immediate fallout I would. Even though I know I shouldn't. I have no doubt it was odd timing, odd luck in some way that colitis forbade me to eat the stuff I love the most. Since this happened only a year into IF treatments, I did not create new associations with IF and food specifically except to be bummed about not being able to eat the things I KNEW would make me feel better, full, whole... whatever.

I used to use hiking as my reward. Not to be virtuous but because it worked for me- truly. Not any workout would do. You'll never catch me doing a crunch. I hate exercise exercise. But I love my hike.

I wonder if I am now making up for my not being able to eat what I want with bizarre shopping weirdness-- trying to make up for something using a different yet no less addictive or damaging tool.

Read this article in a 2009 O magazine that included the following concise insight: if you are trying to acquire More perhaps you are feeling Lessthan. And that pretty much stopped me dead in my tracks. I realized in that moment that I am trying to fill a void (uncertainty, unsettledness) with... what, the magic elixir that will help me create more milk? The optimal teething ring? The book that will answer all of my questions, change my life for the better, and set me on the immediate path for lifelong happiness, sufficient wealth, and the best possible relationship with my amazing family?

Magical thinking takes the form of more than cupcakes.

Wild change in topic-- wild turkeys in my yard today, they seem GIANT and I always imagine them as little dinosaurs. Even when I am not feverish.
So this flu thingy that laid me low is truly lousy. I hope all of you avoid it. I am imagining a ball of protective golden light around Della and Doug, hoping hoping that through some miracle, they do not get this. It really sucks.


Michele said...

I can totally see the connection between IF, body image, weight, and food issues... Totally.

sprogblogger said...

Ugh - hope you feel better soon. And yeah, I've always been someone who could work her way through a bag of - whatever... It's hard trying to find an alternate addiction, because, like you, the thought of exercise exercise leaves me cold.

And yet.

Hope that flu gets through your house quickly and with few bad episodes. Thinking of you all & looking forward to seeing you maybe next time we're in NH.

Elizabeth said...

Oh the flu, that's enough to cause one to put aside any food issues for a day or so...I hope it's only a day or so and that it skips over the small one especially. Love and healing thoughts to you,

lilpudge said...

Sweet Kate,

Sending you my cyber get-well basket: an uber-soft-eases-all-your-aches full size body pillow, the never-ending box of fluffy tissues, a vat O' my magical cure all Jewish chicken soup, and your very own wellness fairy to protect Della & Doug

I hope you get to feeling better quickly.

As for the using food or other things to fill in voids......raising my hand sheepishly here.

What I find interesting is that even after working very hard to let go of so many things I used in my past to fill voids, the one thing I have been unable or unwilling to let go of, is my emotional eating.

Will have to give that more thought.

Luv and hugs