31 March 2011

better late than never

remember me? smallish? big smile? reddish? overwhelmed?
Yeah, that would be me.
So-- I've been consumed by trying to find options to my current financial/housing crisis. I've talked with 5-6 banks, 2 financial advisors and a lawyer, two realtors... and
finally
I think I have a direction, however uncomfortable.
I have another meeting next week before deciding but it feels like progress.
In the meantime, remember the ice dam damage? A swarm of folks have been in the house this week, walls back up, mudded and taped, sanded, primed, painted.... dust everywhere (and I do mean everywhere on every little thing)-- almost done but intense in this small space. Yesterday I escaped from it and went to see my mom. They'll be done monday. Praise the gods.

I think it is *ironic* that the house is coming apart, my shit is piled everywhere, it is completely undone, trashed, and being repaired.... no, not ironic, symbolic.

It has been easier to imagine leaving when it was in pieces. And now, as it comes back into some semblance of order, if I keep the personal stuff to a minimum, I may be able to maintain some fantasy that I am just staying here not living here and that may help me disengage a little. I am VERY enmeshed in place, as you can imagine having read me here for any time at all.

Being here, in this house, was a life affirming brave act when I bought it. It was me, saying I was worth having a life that was my own for perhaps the first time in my adult life. I've been playing in the garden for 5 years, planting, moving, creating a wildness of perennials that heap over the sides and draw butterflies and hummingbirds and my joyful heart. I used to come home and pat the side of the house as I entered, thanking it for housing me and loving it That much.

Letting it go is hard. hard hard hard. But it also will allow me to move forward.

Erin, remember the whole trapeze thing?
yeah, watch me, letting go. Maybe not this swing, maybe not even the next one. But it is coming and necessary even if I am not ready.

Della is a wonder- coming up on 5 months old now, can you believe it?
She is bigger every day, a big smile, a big laugh, a wonderful big personality. She delights me to my core. Please universe help me so I can keep present please please please I do not want to miss one second of this, especially when I am so lucky to be *right here*.
Photos soon, I promise.




7 comments:

It Is What It Is said...

It's good to hear from you. My friend's wise mother says, "You can't hold on and let go at the same time". I that apropos of this.

B. said...

So much happening in so little time... Della growing, the whole job situation, and the house on top of that. You're a marvel, Kate.

With spring (supposedly) right around the corner, do you think you might have time for a hike, with Charlotte and me, if we can find a place somewhere between here and there? I know your life is very full right now, so saying "no" is completely understandable. It's just an idea...

Be well, and stay strong! You're an amazing woman!

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

It is so Kate to think of you patting your house.

I don't know if there are any practical ways I can help you during this time of transition, but if you can think of any possibilities, please please ask.

sprogblogger said...

Been thinking of you so much as the season changes over into something not-quite-so-wintery. I wish it was easier right now, but I do think you're heading toward something even better for you, for your whole family. It's just hard and awful on the way there. Hoping things ease up in your heart so that you can find some joy in the changes coming as well as resignation. You deserve the joy, my friend. Thinking of you.

Michele said...

so glad to hear from you!!! thinking of you and sending love.

Emily Erin said...

Kate-- I am glad to know that you are finding the strength to face the trapeze bar in front of you. I also celebrate that your house was a place of joy to you for so long. I hope that you are able to come to peace with the decision, whatever it is.

Having just found out that my own job is ending in June, and facing my return to work in 2 weeks from maternity leave, I have found great comfort in a magnet my mother gave me at another challenging time in my life...

"Sometimes on the way to a dream, you get lost and find a better one."

At least that's what I'm clinging to as I write cover letters frantically while my baby nurses...

Sending you love and light-- and hugs, lots of hugs; 'cause let's face it, the 'getting there' part of the journey? Sometimes it sucks.

Eb 40+ said...

I echo PP -sorry its so hard right now. Glad you have a direction, knowing there is a road to walk on always helps !

LO sounds lovely. What a great name. It all fits somehow!
Thinking of you and sending pats to your house.