07 March 2011

on carriages and pumpkins

I am at home today, all razor throat and snottiness day 3. Not pretty. I do not fold easily, and damn, I give, it wins.

I was up a lot last night thinking, THINKING thinking thinking.
Thinking about how, let's call it interesting, shall we? how interesting it is to be on the downhill slope from a season of nearly unconscious enoughness.

When I first bought the house, I was making good enough money to make up for whatever misgivings I might have had about my job, career, etc. I was able to do things- fly to see my dad in Denver, fix the car, fill the oil tank. Bigger projects took some planning and foresight, some accumulation, but I could do them. I'd been in big debt before, and had dug out, twice in fact. One was immense stupidity debt that I brought on myself trying valiantly and futilely to buy someone's happiness. Actually, now that I think about it, the second wave was the same as the first (some lessons are learned harder than others). But my point is that I had enough money to not be worried about in-the-moment money. I was also only in debt with the house, which, I hoped, would become my main investment. And that is where my money was going.

OK first, YES I do realize how lucky I was! (and am!)-- at the time, single, childless, good paycheck... in some ways very lucky. In others, not as much.

Enter reality, stage left.

So, in real life, we are now well and truly screwed, immense fertility debt taken on (would not change it) since I did not have time to accumulate in those days of wine (whine, is more like it) and roses (thorns aplenty), and house underwater (literally, wet basement today, and figuratively, as it is now worth less than we owe), and job dwindling....savings finite and small, clock ticking.

I am in the pumpkin phase of this. Don't get me wrong, I like pumpkins, love them actually. But getting back onto the panicked-about-money rollercoaster sucks ass. I'm just sayin'. Truth be told, today there is nothing new, no trigger event, no anniversary, just the ongoing and fast-growing realization that no matter what magical thinking I apply, reality is winning.

So universe, I hear you. I cannot act as if it is not happening. But I also know that panic is not going to help solve the problem.

Erin, your thoughtful link to the quote about the trapeze was right on target- there is a moment between, when letting go, when you have to *trust* that there will be something. But when you are in between, really, all you can be is in between. Scary.

Lovely commenter in Maine, thank you! Thank you for the link to the family center in Portland. Looks like I might just be in the neighborhood this summer and it is great to have such a wonderful recommendation.

All in all, Mr. Pumpkin (this one feels male), I'm just trying to gather my thoughts. This blog is often the place I think of to record and sift and rant. So for now? I declare this episode of miscellaneous katebabble complete.


Eb 40+ said...

Oh I hear you! Before the IF money sucking roller coaster I earned enough to compensate. Then the kids arrived and now, well, I don't. I have money panics each week, I am avoiding my balances and I know I am going to get in deep trouble if I don't get myself moving.

What I am struggling to say is.. you are not alone !

sprogblogger said...

Oh, Kate, I hate that you're having this kind of stressful stuff going on. I wish I could just WISH good things to come your way. Know that if good thoughts count for anything, that I'm thinking 'em for you. Know that I really DO believe that something good is just around the corner for you.

And tell Mr. Pumpkin that if he doesn't cut it out, I'm gonna squash him and make soup.

Kristin Noelle said...

Sending love. And sighing big sighs. I hope you find yourself in a whole new, and startlingly peaceful, life season soon.

Consider that a heartfelt prayer, Universe.

Joannah said...

I'm so sorry that you are facing financial challenges. Somehow, you will pull through and find your financial footing once again. Fertility treatments are a huge part of my mortgage and credit card debt. I feel your pain! I just keep doing what I can to dig myself out one month at a time. One of these days I'll get there.

Hang in there, friend!

What IF? said...

I'm so sorry you are facing these worries, especially now when I just wish for you to enjoy these precious early months with Della. May everything just fall into place.

Thank you for catching up with our recent news, and for leaving such a thoughtful comment.

Much love,
What IF?