Yeah, that would be me.
So-- I've been consumed by trying to find options to my current financial/housing crisis. I've talked with 5-6 banks, 2 financial advisors and a lawyer, two realtors... and
I think I have a direction, however uncomfortable.
I have another meeting next week before deciding but it feels like progress.
In the meantime, remember the ice dam damage? A swarm of folks have been in the house this week, walls back up, mudded and taped, sanded, primed, painted.... dust everywhere (and I do mean everywhere on every little thing)-- almost done but intense in this small space. Yesterday I escaped from it and went to see my mom. They'll be done monday. Praise the gods.
I think it is *ironic* that the house is coming apart, my shit is piled everywhere, it is completely undone, trashed, and being repaired.... no, not ironic, symbolic.
It has been easier to imagine leaving when it was in pieces. And now, as it comes back into some semblance of order, if I keep the personal stuff to a minimum, I may be able to maintain some fantasy that I am just staying here not living here and that may help me disengage a little. I am VERY enmeshed in place, as you can imagine having read me here for any time at all.
Being here, in this house, was a life affirming brave act when I bought it. It was me, saying I was worth having a life that was my own for perhaps the first time in my adult life. I've been playing in the garden for 5 years, planting, moving, creating a wildness of perennials that heap over the sides and draw butterflies and hummingbirds and my joyful heart. I used to come home and pat the side of the house as I entered, thanking it for housing me and loving it That much.
Letting it go is hard. hard hard hard. But it also will allow me to move forward.
Erin, remember the whole trapeze thing?
yeah, watch me, letting go. Maybe not this swing, maybe not even the next one. But it is coming and necessary even if I am not ready.
Della is a wonder- coming up on 5 months old now, can you believe it?
She is bigger every day, a big smile, a big laugh, a wonderful big personality. She delights me to my core. Please universe help me so I can keep present please please please I do not want to miss one second of this, especially when I am so lucky to be *right here*.
Photos soon, I promise.