By date, this is my hardest day.
But this year, by the mere (and mighty) act of deciding to transform this month into something positive, something mindful and intentional, not something that I am at the mercy of moment to moment...well, something shifted, something transformed, something happened to loosen a grip on my heart that has been holding tight for 9 years.
I do not know what in me has finally allowed this transformation to occur-- maybe it was time passing, maybe it was being tired of feeling so at the mercy of memory and regret, maybe it was just luck that I stumbled on some combination that is allowing me to put forth positive energy while, yes, still remembering.
I'm still actively shoving things aside, don't get me wrong.
But each time my heart wants to put a timeline on this day versus that one, or wants to replay things I know to be true, things I saw, things I heard, I am finding it *easier* to jump off into a memory I believe to be positive. One I can hold that is not about me, not about the loss, but just a good memory. I know I am lucky to have one. I know I am lucky to have this work. I am lucky to have this outlet, this one, here on blogger. I am lucky that I can talk about this at all. I am lucky in a million ways.
But for me, the past nine Augusts have always felt like minefields. Ones I knew to be strewn with mines, not just the possibility, but the certainty. It was a question of when, not whether.
This year, through this act of mindfully cultivating healing and self care each day, gentleness, compassion, all I can say is wow.
It has been transformative for me.
I questioned and question whether this is the right forum for this particular series, but I am connected to no other population that has experienced nested losses quite like this one. I hope that by writing it out, reminding us all to extend ourselves some latitude, gentleness, compassion, and awareness of how complex loss can be, maybe some of you are feeling a little more healed or at least feel that incremental healing is possible.
That would be my wish. That we all can heal a little bit more, and let positive transformations happen, even (or especially) when they are totally unexpected.