17 December 2012

broken, apart, open

I do not even know where to begin

falling apart
pulling back together
hugging Della maybe a little too long, a little too tightly
trying to guard myself against images and image-provoking language that I know from experience can cause me harm, while also feeling that as a human being on this planet, those kids deserve my brokenness, my hurt, my horror, my attention

I pull it together, and then, stare at the curls that somehow know what they are doing, sproinging up from Della's beautiful head, and I think of all of the parents that will never look down and see those on their child again


I just care barely cope.

Today, I feel nearly poisoned. If you told me I ate something toxic I would believe you.

And then I just watched/listened to a video sent by my Reiki teacher, prior to the events on friday, and I have to say I was both surprised and not to find myself sobbing.   The beauty stuck me so much deeper than it would have because I am so broken open.  No amount of intellectual over-ride would let me do anything other than watch and cry, truly touched by the beauty of the music.

How can I possibly turn this openness into healing good? I don't know, but I do know I am going to try to stay more connected to beauty, to my lucky life, to the minutes of thrown food and tantrum, to those crazy curls.... to love, the big loves, the small loves, the whiskers on my cat.

Here's the video.
The name gives it away, but the beauty really struck me.


markmarv2004 said...

Thank you; caught me too, deeply. Looking especially at the little kids joyfully rejoicing. Love, Pa

B. said...

I don't know what it is about flash mobs, but they always give me goosebumps. Frequently tears as well. Some day, I want to be IN a flash mob.
Every child I've seen since Friday makes me think of those who are not here but should be. Then it builds... not just the ones lost Friday, but the children killed in accidents or who lost the battle with a disease. The fragility of life is heavy on my mind and the miracle of the life I'm living becomes even more incredible. Everything seems extra heavy and deep this holiday season. And I find myself hugging those close to me a lot more than I normally would.

tireegal68 said...

your grief is palpable.
Ode to Joy is just - joyful.
Della is a beauty.
There is no explanation for beauty or evil in this world sometimes.