13 December 2012

push me pull you

Ok I'm going to do it. I am going to talk about my push me pull you relationship with the idea of weaning.

I don't want to do it.
I want to have it be done and over with and onward on the far side.
But I do not want to do it, I don't want to think about it, deal with it, experience it, strategize about it, fear it, mourn it.

There are parts of it I am still truly loving.
But there are parts that I am getting more tired about, fatigued by, and will not miss.

Della is showing no signs of slowing down in terms of her interest and desire to nurse.

But here I am thinking and thinking and feeling and feeling and I am just not comfortable with any way through this that I can envision except my dreamy expectation that it would just magically happen.

I imagined this: Baby led weaning.
Della would grow up and get more and more independent (CHECK), she would become more and more interested in other things (CHECK), she would eat more foods (half CHECK), and find other ways to connect with me (yes?) and that along with that, nursing would sort of quietly diminish in importance for both of us.


I did not think I would have to *do* anything, expect respond to the natural turn of events.
And I did not want to mourn.

And, boy howdy, I still don't.

I know nothing that seems to ignite strong emotions and opinions as much as breastfeeding. The whole who/what/where/when/why of breastfeeding is about as sticky with intensity as any other topic I can think of. (pardon the dangling participle)
I am not trying to start a debate here.

I more just wanted to state my ambivalence because I know other folks out there might be feeling what I am and not quite know what to do either.
I just don't know how this will turn out. I just want it to be gentle. And I just don't want to be sad.


Sprogblogger said...

Oh my, does this post resonate with me. I did not expect to have to give up nursing before Hen was a year old! Even when I knew it was something we were going to have to do--for his health as well as mine--it was hard (SO hard!) to actually do it.

But I did. And it was not as awful as I'd feared. It made me sad, yes, to realize that this was a milestone, a 'last time', but it also gave me a chance to actively find other ways to nurture our relationship. And it turned out he loved me for more than boob-comfort/food after all! And while I will always remember our nursing days with extreme fondness, because I truly loved many things about breastfeeding, it has been replaced--as is normal--with other things.

Thinking of you during this hard, bittersweet time. It'll be ok, in fact, it'll be better than ok. But I know it's hard right now.

B. said...

I feel a little less like a bad mom now, after reading this. I'm starting to dream of the days when I won't "have to" nurse any more. I judge myself for it but it would be so liberating. I'll dress without worrying that what I wear provides coverage while feeding. I'll wear a normal bra (I sneak one on once in a while... so much more comfy and more flattering). Draft- napping toddler just snuck down the stairs. So much for free time. More later.

Michele said...

Thinking of you Kate, and hoping that there is peace in this in the road ahead. Hugs...

Anonymous said...

With my first 2, I weaned them far too early in order to return to a job that kept us housed. No choice. With my third I thought I would nurse a little longer, a few months perhaps? At 3 days of age, I dropped $200+ I didn't really have on a good pump. Then I was determined to at least pump until it paid for itself. :)

When she was just shy of 2 years, she was sitting on my lap and pointing at buttons on my shirt. "button, button, button". She pointed at my belly, "Belly". I asked, "where are milkies?" "Milkies ally-all," she replied. I realized then that I had no idea when she had last nursed. So baby-led but I still mourned. Even now that she is almost 16 and drives me crazy, I still mourn. It is a special time that I will never have again.

If you are at all ambivalent about nursing, just tell yourself, one more day. Some choices can't be undone. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but I rarely hear a mom say "I wish I would have weaned sooner". But I often hear "I wish I would have tried harder/not given up/ breastfed longer/not given into family" etc.

Best of luck,

Trece said...

I nursed all of mine to age 5. We sort of had a ceremonial Last Nursing on the night before their birthdays, where we celebrated the fact that they were now Big Girls, and ready to start homeschooling.

Emily Erin said...

We are also in this odd spot-- I'm kind of ready (the biting has a lot to do with this) but also want it to be child led. So I feel you, and I wish you the best as you work through this, and will be watching from my similar perch.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

I don't have anything to add to the conversation, but I can imagine this is a tough transition to make. I hope it comes easily for you and Della.