MagO7 you may kiss me now

So.
About poop.
Della has never again pooped on the potty. But that is not an issue for me or us right now.
because.
she is pooping.
every day sometimes, every other day.
some very tiny bit of anticipatory crying sometimes, more in fear of what was rather than in response to what is (OH just like her momma)
and
sometimes, she just asks for a pull up and poops.
just
like
that.

We have overcome this horrible terrible bad bad thing with LUCK, fear (of the butt medicine) and MagO7.

Do not do any of this without medical advice.  This is serious. Poop withholding can really cause damage, so make sure you talk with someone who knows about this for real, and can help.
I am not a doctor.
We tried all of the miralax, chewies, etc, that were not stimulant laxitives. we did stimulant laxatives exactly once. We also did the butt medicine (liquid glycerine suppositories) a few times out of pure desperation and need for her to poop.. but nothing was actually working, not breaking the cycle, calming the freaked out kiddo, or the parents.
so.
I did more and more reading on the internet and found MagO7 which is used for colon cleansing on crazy adults. Big magnesium molecules that draw fluid into the colon, keeping things soft. So they say.

We started giving her about a half capsule every night for a week then increased to one...but have found one capsule of MagO7 at night mixed in with something yummy (say, one spoonful of ice cream), and a little fiber (Heather's Tummy fiber, acacia?  1/4 tsp 2x/day)-- to be our magical combination that keeps the poop soft, keeps signals clear for her (no cramping), and appears to be allowing our little one's immense colon to return to something like a normal one, not that I would know what that is.

I just wanted to share that this nightmare appears to be over.
we put the butt medicine away in happy ceremony.

and

now if we can have the same success with my anxiety, we'll be golden. but that is a post for another day.

For folks to find this: stool withholding, poop withholding, Mag07 MagO7

near miss, hot damn

First, I'm fine.  I just wanted to put this out there for any of YOU who experience the same thing or anything even remotely similar. I want to offer some big squishy whole hearted compassion and a brand new sort of insight and awareness I did not have before.

Gosh darn.

Yesterday:
"pea-sized mass, 9:00, left breast"

Today:
Ultrasounded, and got the all clear from the Radiologist on the spot, but it was 24 hours of a weird out of body terror, a terror-on-hold, a weird waiting.  The all clear was met by me getting totally choked up, and nearly losing it.
As if, I could not lose it before during the fear.
I wonder why we do that?
I wonder, but I think I also know-- there is a whole lot of DOING that has to happen, a process to follow, calls to make, appointments to show up for, cars driven, tests to undergo... and there is sort of this weird otherworldly thing that happens, a shock of sorts, that allows those pragmatic and logistical things to happen.
Then,
all clear means I can fall apart.
And think about the what ifs
and the scary family history I carry in my genes
and think about this time, how lucky I am, and this time, how smart I was to go get checked immediately and not wait to see what happens.
and how lucky I am that this time, the results were as awesome and perfect and wonderful as anyone could hope

"complex tissue" thank you very much.
I'll take complex tissue with no side of awfulness.

Exhaling.
Slowly.
Again and again and again and again

3:3, percussive reset

Well then,
now where were we?

Ahh yes, percussive restart.
Barforama
Yes, it got me too. I thought I would *die* and I wish I were exaggerating.  Worse than labor, and kidney stones. I felt well and truly poisoned, and very very close to passing out many times.  But. Done with that and expecting a rapid recovery. Della is much better, although still off her food, and Doug, who was last to get it and had a different version, is tired as can be but is ok.
Somehow, we are ok.
Tired tired tired with no stamina, but ok.

But The Dread was exhausting and draining and the experience was intense and frightening,
and now, it is over and I feel nearly giddy
and would dance a bit, you know, if I could imagine lifting my feet off the ground. I'll jiggle and weave a bit now, sitting. It feels safer.

On a very plus note, after a few months of increasing discomfort and panic, culminating in a trip to see a new counsellor for some EMDR once I identified my triggers as triggers...I took action.
I made some hard choices as the year wrapped up about how I can best and realistically deal with my financial situation and feel relieved. I realize there might actually be a balance between what my brain knows sometimes and what my heart needs, and this time I feel I found it.

I also did some creative collecting this weekend-- a few opportunities to gather some images as fodder for my paintings.

It was fabulously foggy, with snow, and wet bark, and mmmmmmmmmmm
texture of corn fields, and dried weeds.

yes, I know I am nutty, but this stuff actually feeds me.

And for once? I allowed myself to be fed, to take the time to notice, take it in, and actually grab a few snapshots so I can evoke some of the same mmmmm in the future.

So-- yes, barfing and decluttering and trying to find some balance, and choosing pretty carefully (in this moment) what to put back in.

I really missed my campfire gathering, but felt I made progress this weekend finding my way back to what I know.

Hard to realize just how easy it is to lose sight of things that work when things aren't working.

Yeah, what she said....

Sprogblogger just wrote the most amazing piece on motherhood and DE. Eloquence, truth, love. Bring tissues.

Baby Interrupted's recent post 34w5d is completely awesome. So all I can say is please go there, read her. And her most recent post included this poem which rocked me back on my heels. I'd read it before, but this time it hit home.

Things to Do in the Belly of the Whale

Measure the walls. Count the ribs. Notch the long days.
Look up for blue sky through the spout. Make small fires
with the broken hulls of fishing boats. Practice smoke
signals.
Call old friends, and listen for echoes of distant voices.
Organize your calendar. Dream of the beach. Look each
way for the dim glow of light. Work on your reports.
Review each of your life's ten million choices. Endure
moments of self-loathing. Find the evidence of those
before you. Destroy it. Try to be very quiet, and listen for
the sound of gears and moving water. Listen for the sound
of your heart.
Be thankful that you are here, swallowed with all hope,
where you can rest and wait. Be nostalgic. Think of all
the things you did and could have done. Remember
treading water in the center of the still night sea, your
toes pointing again and again down, down into the black
depths.

Dan Albergotti

Jen Lee, fresh back from Squam Art Workshops, is sharing some fabulous reminders for soul-care and other deep truths on her site. A recent favorite:

"It's okay to not know what to do next. Laying down is always good for the not-knowing moments."

And in other news:

So, every once in a while I get OCD about something-- where I fixate and decide if only I can find the perfect _______ then All Will Be Well... this has never actually worked out in such a magical way, and the Quest can be insane and insanely consuming. I've grown up enough to know when it is happening, and heck, I can even laugh at myself as I am doing it. I sometimes give myself permission to seek and search, sometimes I cut myself off and haul myself out into the world as a distraction.

This time, I realized I wanted a baby book for our little one, but I did not want it to be kittens and bunnies or Pooh or "mommy and daddy", I did not want the presumption of christianity, heterosexuality, or of marriage, or of anything really. I did not want to feel overwhelmed. I wanted simplicity, flexibility, beauty, contemporary design-- something the grown up baby could have on his or her shelf and not have it scream BABY BOOK, and thus began my search. Through some stroke of luck after a long long search I landed on etsy, and through some other stroke of luck I found a shop called Ednamae (so help me I want to call it edamame).

I ordered a book, chose my cover color, my inside modules, and inside design, and kindly asked that my second choices be used to help with expedited shipping as needed since I was not sure when this little one might arrive but it might be soon (part of the OCD is/was me NEEDING THE BOOK TO BE HERE WHEN THE BABY COMES).

Two days later, the book arrived, expedited, from Oregon.

Perfection.

I wrote a love note to Kobie and she sent me the kindest reply including this gift for you. (Yes, YOU):

"

Thank you so much! I'm so glad you love it!
You can let your readers know they can have a coupon code on my new website,
ModernBabyBooks.com
coupon code:
NewWebsitePromo

for $5 off."

If you are thinking of a gift for yourself or a loved one, please please check her site out.

One more thing about this that makes it even more magical: THREE RING BINDER-- yes folks, that kind of flexibility.

So, kate, what about the lake?

Yesterday morning, wildly windy, rainy, insanely warm, we made our way to the specialist's office for the first appointment of the day. I'd carefully scheduled with the ultrasound lady from last time and was ready to hear what had to be said about the current state of my placenta.

First thing, we get called back by a different US tech, and I thought, well shit. And I tried to give up the control I was trying to wield. I did ok, but I was nervous as hell. The new lady did not help me feel calm although she was nice.

Doc came in and they did the internal together, just like last time (did I mention how much I like him?)

Bottom line:

baby is looking great at 6lbs+, head thoroughly wedged in my nether regions.

Lake is resolved.

what?

yes, the lake? resolved. Yes, I have a bit of extracurricular vascular activity that will require some vigilance immediately post-partum, but in this moment?

NORMAL PREGNANT LADY.

What does this mean?

no early scheduled c-section, no cause for undue alarm, just the usual let's-wait-and-see-how-this-plays-out scenario.

Hot diggity dog.

all good news

A very quick happy update to say--cervix is long and closed, 4cm.... placenta is totally out of the way now (4 cm away from cervix), cord insertion is mid placenta, NO VESSELS across the internal os, and the only ones nearby are not cord vessels--

so

NO PLACENTA PREVIA (not even marginal)

and

most importantly:

NO VASA PREVIA

Yes, I am going for a second opinion to a maternal fetal medicine specialist whom I already know and trust. They gave me a referral and I am waiting for the call with the appointment time.

But as of this moment, after this most amazing ultrasound appointment (it turns out she is one of the top US experts in the country, which I absolutely believe-- 45 minute exam, internal, external, careful, thorough, with doppler etc.)-- I now find myself (quite surprisingly) in the vaginal birth at term category.

Baby is 3 lbs 10 oz (holy crap)

I am up 24 lbs (all belly, breasts, and upper thighs in a 95/4/1 percent ratio)

and

I am stunned, dizzy, dazzled, exhausted, relieved is not a big enough word, I want to cry, to sleep, to lie on the sofa and spend the next 6 hours feeling the baby move.

The baby is head down, head right tucked in as it should be to get ready for the big reveal...(now I know what is where, I know what I thought was a knee is a butt)---

Holy crap people, what a wild ride THIS is.

I want to run around in circles, laugh, cry, jump up and down (ok, in reality only two of those four are actually options).

In this moment, it's all good.