some baby pictures and reflections

A year ago (how is this possible?), I was beginning the last-chance-no-really-this-time-I-mean-it IVF cycle that ended with Della. I drove the route to Waltham on thursday, bringing a friend to a Dr down that way... I waved as I passed the clinic, simply amazed at what a difference a year makes.

This year I find myself mired in gutwrenching workstress and transitions, when all I want is to just simply revel in this beautiful baby and this truly miraculous turn of events. I don't want to be struggling with anything, you know? It is just very hard to let go of such a big (enormous) piece of my life and source of identity.

Every chance I get, I take a deep breath, re-center, refocus, gather myself, look at this amazing person and KNOW where my priorities are. NO matter what else is happening right now, coming apart or in the midst of the messy act of creation, this is exactly where I want to be.

I might continue to be a bit sporadic here while some of my bedrock comes apart and I allow myself at last to truly create a life that supports my heartwork, so I wanted to leave you with some images to tide you over for a bit.

Yes, she really is this cute.

week 5, first snow

Today is Della's 5th week birthday and we woke to our first real snow of the season. yes, only about an inch, but lovely, and the woods are so still that it hardly looks real.

Snow brings the trees closer, and all of a sudden, my house in the woods feels like a house in the woods. In the fall, everything steps back, opens, but now, it feels like I can reach out and touch lichen on a tree trunk.

This weekend we did an overnight in Maine-- a last minute and perhaps insane trip that resulted in Della sleeping 4 hours or so in a row which was magnificent but a one time deal. And, because she has never ever done anything like that ever ever, I could not believe it was happening and spent a lot of time watching her, wondering if she was going to wake up soon.... so I got more sleep than usual, but she really did.

Saw my delightful friend Susan (our insanely gifted photographer) and yes, she took some photos while we ate lunch. Doug was wrangling Della in his easy made-for-this way, and I am so excited to see photos. (LOVED seeing her.)

But the trip itself, we just did it, we just packed up and went as if we could, giving ourselves every out if it did not work out. But you know? It worked out ok. But I confess: I feel I could go anywhere with Doug. He is magnificent with Della, and totally patient and does not flip out or assume difficulty. Changing the baby in a bathroom? You just do it, figure it out, no worries. WOW please god/goddess/all-that-is, please let his wonderful personality rub off on me, and please please let Della have gotten more of him than me in this way.

I am an all-that-can-go-wrong overthinker (not ultimately to the exclusion of all else, not terminally, but I confess, it is my nature), so it is really good for me to be with someone who just does things. They get done. No trauma, no duress. Options to change.

I nursed in public and it was not an issue at all, just need to remember that I am not ok with full boob (mine) exposure in public, so I went under rather than over, and had smartly arranged for belly coverage which also mattered and made me feel more at ease (and warmer!)

Anyway, things worked or they didn't and we adjusted (instead of freaking out) and it was all ok.

Only one regret: I did not take any photos of the ocean on saturday, but maybe I was meant to have it be a memory-- the sky and water the same color, with a slightly darker line at the horizon, and lighter along each wave crest. I am not sure I have every seen anything more beautiful.

Today has been designated a rest day after I felt like crap yesterday- just tired I think, and emotionally raw. I would hike but I need stillness today more than movement. But tomorrow might bring an adventure and I need to have my feet under me.

Tireegal, I live in Southern New Hampshire which is why the cold and snow and ice. But yesterday was balmy truly.

And I went on a mini adventure- no, not the coffee shop, but a solo with Della trip to get snow tires and an oil change, and we survived just fine.

Fear sucks ass, as does the presumption of failure/calamity/hardship/incompetence. I hope I can shake some of this useless stuff. It is like trying to run with really heavy shoes with no flexibility in the sole.

brown sugar and cinnamon

28 days since Della was born.

how is that possible?

I write a letter to Della every week, to try to capture some of the details of the week since she changes so quickly. But she is also so very much her own self in very stable and consistent ways. We are getting to know her facial expressions, and starting (slowly!) to understand her different cries.

Doug is singing to her right now, they are rapt in each other's attention.

Doug is a goateed fellow and kisses Della in a way that tickles on purpose to see her smile and laugh. Totally addictive.

Sparkle lights around the window make it dreamier.

I cannot quite believe this is real.

Yes, diapers, and laughter and tears and happiness and tired and tough moments, yes complexities, and expected radical life changes, but somehow, it feels a little like I might wake up from a Versed nap and hear a kind nurse tell me apologetically that I only had 2 eggs retrieved. Or something. And this whole thing was a dream.

Last night I spent mostly awake, uncomfortable with bladder and urethra issues, so I called the doc today, went in and peed in a cup. But I've been tested already since the delivery and there was no infection so I think it is just irritated. The catheter and I are not friends. Functionally? Absolutely. It was fabulous not to have to get up to pee that first day after Della was born. But physically? Not so much.

I'm on some numbing stuff and cranberry extract until the results come back (48 hours). Clean catch is much easier when not working around a giant pregnant belly.

I will write about my belly soon, but a different post I think.

I have been thinking, on and off, about details. They come back at strange times and in strange ways. Last night, shivering briefly in bed (I shiver when I am tired, and oh was I tired) I realized/remembered how shaky I was during the contractions, how I could not stop shaking once they got intense. How it was one of the first things Doug noticed when I woke him that morning.

I also was thinking, as I ate my morning oatmeal, of my first food after Della: oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamon. God it was good. Manna.

Of course I had not eaten anything but apple juice for 2 and a half days by then so yes, it was really really good.

And one more thing before I go-

Ok-- a small unpaid plug here for a product we like: the power of email aside, there are some folks we wanted to send real live baby announcements to, like the Boston clinic and Dartmouth, our families, etc. Our baby announcements came today from tinyprints.com. Very nice quality, shipping as specified, and really easy to do (I had 2 minutes and had it done and ordered in that time). They have great customer service although a strange grasp of grammar, they had a suggestion for a change and sent me an e-proof that I was able to review and select for printing or not as I chose. They even called to make sure I received the email with the proof and were really, really nice about it.

The default finish is matte and is very nice (card stock, very nice digital printing).

And no, I did not go to the coffee shop yet. That will probably wait (more) until I have a sudden brave urge. I promise I will let you know how it goes!

baby steps (mine)

Kate at 9 months pregnant noticed things the unpregnant or not-quite-as-pregnant kate did not notice:

In the parking lot of a mini mall, a well dressed, well put together (clean) woman saunters by with a newborn tied in a mai-tai (baby hawk) carrier, looking totally comfortable together. Kate misses seeing the mom tie the baby carrier on, but the baby is peaceful and asleep, so much so, that the mom shops slowly and deliberately in the second hand store...

In the grocery or target or wherever, it seems millions of parents are there WITH THEIR BABIES-- most in car seats, some (once sitting) in nifty little germ protecting nests of brightly colored cotton... nearly all are peaceful.

Coffee shop-- women with babies, sitting and talking, their babies asleep in carriers or on laps or nursing or in car seats. How is this possible?

All of which I am now considering to be evidence of some serious parenthood MYTHOLOGY on the hoof.

Well, in my real life, I have a baby that does not like to be put down, ever, for longer than a few minutes... I cannot soothe her like Doug does unless it involves one of my (borrowed and enhanced) body parts... In the carrier, I need to be in motion. HOW do people do this?

So, the other day, to celebrate 3 weeks, I took Della out in the car. Just the two of us. I live in a drive-to place, since we live sticks (I envy Sprogblogger's walk-to city life sometimes).... so I bundled Della into the car seat, wrestled the car seat into my sub-compact for the first time with an actual baby in it (I have an old Scion Xa that has 5 doors. 5 doors = forethought no kidding, I really thought about the baby seat issue even way back when, but shallow back seat is NOT amenable to giant Graco seat base or seat, which will only get bigger as she does...)

We drove for about 45 minutes, around the block. There was some crying but none of it was mine.

Then home safely.

Last week, Doug and Della and I took a ride that required that I nurse in the car in parking lots, twice. And I needed to learn to tie on the mai tai myself while sitting in the passenger seat (awkward but not at all awful). Doug did the turbo cold weather back seat diaper change. We did take his bigger car since mine will not allow a passenger any comfort when the baby seat is in the car.

There was some crying, but none of it mine.

Today I am hoping to do this:

I am hoping to have the umph to bundle Della into the car seat, wrestle the car seat into my car, drive downtown (15 minutes) and bring her into a coffee shop with me (in my arms or in a front carrier), order something (tea? I am currently off of soy, and therefore also off of my occasional soy chai lattes to see if I can help Della's stomach be calmer). Back into the car and back here.

Friday, I will do a solo trip that includes nursing in parking lots at least once, and at least one diaper change ... and this is after our Dr appointment where I will do something similar but with Doug as my wingman.

Incremental baby steps, out into the world. Learning learning learning. I am not sure how long (if ever) it will take to feel comfortable or remotely competent or capable. This seemingly simple stuff is really surprisingly hard.

Days pass where I literally do not step out of the house (which for me is nutty).

So today or tomorrow I hope to take a walk alone, even though it is long underwear cold with a biting wind. Start the incremental treks up my hill that I somehow equate with mental stability. I don't have clearance to exercise but I can walk. So I will walk uphill. Slowly. Until I realize I need to stop.

B--although we have walked, I have yet to hike with Della since she does not quite have the stamina (nor do I, I bet). And even in the front mai tai carrier, I am not sure how to dress her to be warm enough but not too warm since our bodies are against one another. Hats and hoods just fall into her eyes (her hair is like teflon), zipped up jackets end up biting her under her chin.

And thank you for the moby offer, but I think we're good. I am open to a cast off Ergo carrier though-- anyone? Pretty much dislike the Bjorn, but love its simplicity.

I am stuck by just how much feels foreign. How do I.....?

But somehow, we do. We all do.

We figure out how to stick needles in our bellies. Over and over and over.

We chart.

We temp.

We learn new languages.

We show up for weird invasive procedures. And then show up and do it again. And again.

We use GPSs to find our way to new clinics.

We get creative with finances and debt.

We somehow do foreign and crazy things each step of the way, don't we?

And we do it. We just do. Because it matters to us so much.

We figure out how.

So, if I can just get Over It, and realize (with my actual non intellectual self) that this not knowing is a life long thing, and expected, and totally ok, and all will be fine....

just try it, figure it out, if the baby cries, you can leave a 2o on the table and walk out.

If the baby cries you can leave a cart full of groceries.

If the baby cries you can turn around and go home, make another choice, change your mind, adapt to the situation.

OF COURSE THIS IS TRUE.

So I wonder why it is so hard to remember it?

It is because I have images of competent women mothering in the world and figured you either are or aren't and I fear I know what category I am in?

Thanks culture, I appreciate that.

Sort of a marthastewarting of the parenting process.

no poop just gold dust and (well arranged) flowers.

(It is not culture's fault really, it is mine for buying into it even a little, subconsciously, unconsciously, in spite of my advanced age and all that I know to be true- just enough to feel like I must be doing it wrong)

Isn't it interesting what mythologies we create for ourselves? What impossibilities we set out for ourselves to never be able to live up to? (dangling participles notwithstanding?)

So yes, finding my way. And yes, this is oddly about me. Della will be Della, she is not tied up in oughts and shoulds. Hope I can allow myself to move more and more toward her way of being, which is so blissfully unfettered and weighted down by expectations and assumptions. Her way of being is just that: BEING.

She may be my littlest teacher, but her voice is mighty.

how we are today

Just another short hello--

I lose track of days, day of the week, day of the month- day and night I still have pretty well sorted, but now these short days, well, that could change.

Sleep happens in little pieces

but joy happens almost every moment, except the screaming, those moments/minutes/hours suck ass. But there is such calmness in this so much of the time. Sleeping baby, warm and heavy, laying across my body. Or tucked in to nurse. Or a smile (yes! already!) that is nearly heartbreaking and certainly breathtaking.

Belly issues are being dealt with with mylicon, or colic calm depending on how bad it is. If she can still nurse, I do mylicon. If she is too distraught to nurse, then colic calm (which I think has baby crack in it-- she loves it a little too much). We rock and jiggle, walk and sway and bounce.

My tenderness remains, and for all I know may always.

this kind of rawness, well, the only thing like it is acute grief, but this isn't that. It is not that soul sucking. But it is that surprising in the intensity.

Della is beautiful, Doug is magnificent, and me? I wish there was some way to just be home with her. Work looms, but in these moments, being here with her is all I need to do.

There is so much I want to write, and so little time to do so. I hope I can remember.

I hope I hope I hope.

how we are

So how are we?

Here I am with a beautiful miracle of a baby- yes, as expected, sleep deprived, yes, time deprived. Yes, challenged beyond belief at this astonishing little being who can only communicate in at least one language I do not know.

She smiles in her sleep and my heart melts, and I did not expect to be cracked so wide open, and feel SO TOTALLY VULNERABLE to all of my own feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, incompetence... I can now change a diaper masterfully, thank you, but there are so many parts of this that I simply make up all day long, every day and I do not feel I am gaining on it.

I am torn to pieces when Della cries and I cannot console her, especially while she is nursing... but Doug is masterful, patient, and is able to help her calm when I cannot. Sometimes I can stay very calm for longer than I would ever have expected but come evening time, well, all bets are off.

I hate that I don't know what to do, how to help, what it means, or how BAD it is for her-- really hungry? tired and can't let herself sleep? just frustrated? maybe just blowing off steam?

We do the happiest baby stuff- swaddling, really loud shushing, swaying, etc, and it does work (hurrah Dr. Karp) but it is hard to do that for hours. No idea how to keep her settled and still(?) once settled with noise and motion. Ideas are welcome.

Breast feeding is going fine and I am so glad it is working. Della was up over 9lbs this past week at her 2 week appointment which is great and is clearly thriving. But it is a little challenging just by being so frequent and so lengthy- an hour of feeding every two hours, with some multi hour marathons, and of course I know it will get better as she gets older but right now it is hard hard. We do get occasional longer stretches that are lovely (thanks Doug!) and I sleep when I can.

I am already dreading pumping, trying to get her to take a bottle (already failed on our first attempt), going back to work, being away from her at all.

Several of you asked about how I am writing at all in the new baby vortex-- I write by writing fast and not editing, stolen time during Doug's baby wrangling (he is singing and dancing with her in the kitchen)..

We are all wishing we had more time here, to just be, to settle in, but I have a month or so before I have to go back to work

and Doug goes into the office tomorrow

and Della will be 3 weeks on tuesday, how is that possible?

So things are amazing, wonderful, great, difficult, teary (me, gosh darn), teary (Della), fun as can be (Doug), and I would not trade it for anything in the world.

Hormones suck ass though, I'm just sayin.

I did not expect to spend so much time crying or trying not to cry. No, no, not every day, not all day long, but tired+ crying baby+ feelings of inadequacy mean that gosh darn, every few days I come apart over something, feeling of extra tenderness, and then it is hard to get everything back under wraps the way I prefer. I am FINE being happy, but being sad/teary makes me feel horrible as you already know. I know it is hormones, and it is not always at all. I have many more moments of peace and happiness than sadness. But it still sucks ass.

So anyone out there have ideas for managing a fussy baby?

And I am open to ideas about how to prepare for pumping/bottle feeding during work hours.

Any favorite bottles for the discriminating baby?

unsolicited advice part 1

From a newbie:

Take all of the hospital underwear they will allow you to take

trust me on this

take them all

ugly or not

they stretch, wash well, and you do not want to wreck your own

order boxes of your favorite big pads before you give birth-- if you are sensitive like me, I cannot say enough about Natracare Maternity Pads-- big, long, cushy, free of plastic, and covered in cotton. no kidding. available at drugstore.com.

Bring a bunch of tank tops with you-- preferably ones you can cut off if needed (if you're on an IV). At some point in the laboring process they let me change into a tank from the damned hospital gown-- bliss and worthwhile. bring loose ones, not tight ones.

Do not expect you'll be in any kind of pants until they put you in a pad.

Bring your favorite maternity pants with you to go home in.

Do not underestimate the amount of pads you will need, you will change one each time you go to the bathroom and you will be peeing a LOT. Get more than you think you need. Expect to leak.

Clots are frightening but common, big ones are terrifying, but unless they come with worsening in bleeding or clotting, you're ok. Check with your doc always, but don't panic just because it feels like you lost your liver.

Pain-- take the medication, do not try to be superwoman, pain means slower healing and that sucks... so

also take colace. Trust me. Prunes. I cannot overstate this enough.

Sweating-- at night, I go through 2 shirts and would actually go through more if I could haul my ass out of bed. Soaked shirts, sweaty beyond belief-- wet with sweat-- I'm just sayin'.

Diapers-- praise the disposables for now-- I am very crunchy granola envrio aware geeky whatever but to be able to throw them out at this point is great. Simplifying is key here. We did get unscented bio degradable bags for them and no kidding, they do not smell. Some magical something of breastmilk. So no diaper genie. When food begins or we have to do formula again, this would change.

Breast care-- I use a microwaveable hot pack big enough to drape across my breasts... mine is from The happy company, and is vaguely moist. I had to cut lace off the rim, but it works just great. Also great for draping across my belly. I had one bloody nipple day. It corresponded with The Dark Day. Nuff said.

Breastfeeding more generally-- ask for help, but do not necessarily ask the zealot. Ask the pragmatist. I had the most shitty 45 minute visit with the lactation consultant. What I wanted was a gap solution to feed a hungry baby with no milk in yet-- what I got was a .... lecture is not fair, but a full fledged philosophical treatise that was not only unnecessary, but left me with a screaming pissed off baby with no improved ability to help. Enter pragmaticnurse that night-- she saved me. SAVED ME. I cannot say enough that you can mmm your way through a shitty consult, and then ask for help from someone else...

Growth spurts of your little one will be prefaced with 24 hours or more of non stop feeding, and general irritation. This will cue your body to ramp up production. Expect at least one nearly sleepless night when this begins, and expect you will wake with amazing breasts a day or two later ready for the increased demand.

Tears-- I have cried more in the past week than I have in a long while-- happy stunned tears, only one day of shitty sad self esteem from hell tears, all others are just near the surface, waiting for a look or a thought or beauty and whoa... they just come. No warning no control and it is weird to just have them spill out complete with crumpled face and throat lump.

Healing-- let's talk briefly about The Belly.

It is down to half what it was when I left the hospital, but completely foreign. I am trying not to look at it very much and am relying on other senses to send love to it...I love the soft skin, will miss my flush belly button. I can actually see parts of myself kept under the cloak of mystery these past 6 months at least...my weight is down to 10 above pre-baby, I am wearing maternity pants, a tank with stick-in ultra soft breast pads, and a big soft shirt over that...and no bra since none of the so called nursing bras that I have will actually work for me, and hospital underwear.

Nursing bras--

hm. Might want to wait until you and your little one figure out the basics so you can know the way you prefer to access your body. I am globally disappointed. And at this point, I do not envision a solution for me, except maybe a good old front closure bra. Screw one handed operation. Full access is more important to me.

Do not underestimate the power of a hot shower-- even three minutes, no shaving, just hot water, gentle cleanser, cetaphil for the underpinnings, blot yourself dry, put on clean clothes, you WILL feel better.

Drink more water than you can imagine needing. You will need more than that. Beware the lightheadedness, eat dried fruit for a quick shot of sugar while you think of something to eat that makes more sense.

Belly binding-

the hospital bound me up after surgery-- helps make the whole region feel supported, which is really nice. But, my skin HATED their binding thingy, so I ditched it. Got a cheap one. Wore it a few hours each day when I wanted to feel less immense and more supported. It helped with both things. But, finally, it is just not comfortable. I admit I spent $20 on it not 60-80 (not a belly bandit) so perhaps I chose too cheaply.

Nail file not nail clippers for the little one's talons. His/her face and your breasts will thank you.

Baby clothes--cute outfits with shirts and pants are cute, indeed, but totally impractical. Get the snap or zip up footed sleeper thingies. They rock. Our one day in shirt + pants lasted 1 hour. All of our side snap t-shirts will be in giveaway. Onesies and pants will be fine, but for now we are addicted to simplicity.

The happiest baby on the block-- the book is too long, rent the video. Worth it. It really works- not always but often.

Learn to type with one hand. I am learning but have yet to be able to let go of my desire for punctuation (even if incorrect and sporadic) and capitalization. I will get over it. My desire to document and communicate will win over typo paranoia.

*******

Della is rocking our world--

one week old yesterday

eyes changing from slate gray to brown we think...

she smiles in her sleep sometimes and I will be completely doomed when she can do that on purpose.

Tears are new, and break my heart.

She has the saddest sad faces in the world.

She laces her fingers together, nurses with them tucked up by her face, stretches big big stretches now that she has room to do so! and has the hiccups much of the time.

Last night was hard rain and hard wind, a wild weather night. Today is all fast clouds, moments of brightness, moments of darkness, moments of rain. The sun came out and all the rain drops in the woods sparkled like they only had a minute to show off- a dazzling display.

Now, back to dark and moody.

beauty

11/9/2010 +5

Home since friday-

Della is swaddled in front of me on the sofa, sleeping her brief sleeps between feedings.

One horrible day on thursday- hungry baby, and NO MILK at all- just felt like a failure in every way- pregnancy (IF), birth (fucking A), and then breast feeding. A dark, dark, shitty place to be with no sleep and profound powerlessness.

Then an angel nurse, a decision to try a supplemental nursing system (bring on the tubing, the syringe, and the formula-- tape the tiny tube near the nipple, pray for a latch, then feed along with suckling---)--and an edict to pump 10 minutes after every feeding....

one day of tears (friday)

and then yesterday, right breast filled! and today, I look like a new augmentation, spectacular breasts, wish I could show you. I nursed last night, yes, every hour, or hour and a half, or once, for 2 hours nearly straight, but I am nursing and so happy not to be dealing with the SNS and the post feeding pumping.

Other things in the kate landscape-- no kidding, I DID look 8+ months pregnant after the birth, a big soft BIG belly, protruding out pregnancy-esque, body image from hell, neither pregnant (YAY A REAL LIVE BABY!) but not kate.... I did not expect to feel quite so shitty about that, quite so foreign, self conscious, embarrassed, and one more thing that felt not right.

Then the clots, oh my,

yes well. One last night too. Yes I called, told them I thought I'd passed a lung. I know what to watch for and all is well. But man alive, it was immense and wow. Yeah. Horror show.

A visit with my lovely mother in law just ended,

and tonight we will skype with my faraway dad

and then

we will just be us.

Until tomorrow 9am, and our follow up visit to weigh the little one, and to make sure all is well.

Della is beyond beautiful, astonishingly lovely

smooth silky everything, hair, skin, I will callous her with incessant love.

she has gray blue eyes right now that could turn into anything

and I want each moment (except the clot) to last a year so I can focus on every detail, every single minute everything, how she feels and sounds and looks...

Healing is going fine with one firey pinchy spot deep inside the second layer of stitches, and yay percocet.

I assume I will poop again in this lifetime but it is only an assumption.

And in the middle of the night,

the stars are so clear

and the sky so big but so close,

and the quiet so profound,

except the sound my heart growing as fast as it can to try to keep up with how much love it is trying to hold.

it just can't.

Baby stirring,

must happily go attend to this miracle.

11/9/2010 +1

Hello loves,

I am too tired to write much, but wanted to say how much I appreciate all of your notes and love.

Della is beautiful- with a complex forehead filled with expression, the strongest legs and arms, and just a miracle to me in every every way.

I promise to post the birth story sometime soon, but for now these photos from yesterday. My eyes are fine, red from sobbing with JOY and no small measure of relief that she was out and ok. Doug's too.

We go home on friday.

Happy birthday Sprogblogger and Alyssa!

3:51am

wind and snow and rain

and

we're on...

heading for hospital soon

amazingly intense everything

fear excitement tired sensations (oh the hip pain!)

holy shit folks, this is really happening.

week 41, update

So yeah, our first trip to L&D!

And home again.

A little gush of very warm fluid, then another-- not urine, so I called and they told me to come in to see if it is amnionic fluid. Nope. They said Lochia maybe...but that does not make sense. So I have no idea.

But I am contracting every 5-6 minutes (they feel like B&H with some fun intense moments with major cervical sensation), and I lost my mucus plug at the hospital...

and while they did check (good lord) I am not at all dilated. Just not.

So-- home to rest and eat and drink and walk and shower and rest more..

they said to call again when the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart, intense, and lasting a minute each. Or if another gush of fluid...

They said they think they'll see us before morning, but if not...we have a morning appointment if nothing happens between now and then.

Babe looked great on the monitor

and that is what matters MOST.

Contraction right now, wow. Feels surreal. But I also know it could be days yet.

So-- I do realize this: regardless of how this plays out, I am not sure when I will update. If I don't, my sister or my darlin' eventually will.

Thank you all for your amazing support and encouragement and kindness.

This whole thing is one hell of a ride.

week 41, +7

Woke today to a hyper awareness of my grumbly colon-- not new news for me, since, well, most of my life has been consumed by hyper awareness of my colon.. but it is new news for me since my radical life change (aka gluten free/dairy free) a few years ago. So I am a little back achy/tight, a little too much colonic awareness, and will sort of stay close for a bit.

Then, if it feels possible, Doug and I will walk in a while-- (don't want to be on the far "out" of the walk to find my colon thinking that this would be a FINE TIME to express itself fully-- been there, done that, but I could walk not just waddle and could disguise myself better in the woods).

Anyway, all is well.

Week 41. Who would have guessed we'd make it this far?

With utmost love to Alyssa and Sprog, wednesday would be fine, but so would tuesday, or monday or say, today. I'm still feeling fine, but discomfort is a fine motivator.

Cloudy and chilly-- the sun came out for a moment of warmth then went right back in.

But no rain today- a fine day for a walk. And a fine day to make apple pie. Hope I get to do both, you know, unless I'm busy.

+6

Yup, I am actually peaceful

with, you know, moments of maniacism (maniac-i-tude?)

but mostly peaceful.

So-- it is not your imagination: I went from FREAKING THE FUCK OUT thinking almost nothing but impending doom unless we get the baby out RIGHT NOW and persistent front row DBTs to thinking wait a minute.. we're paying attention, we're doing BPP/NST monitoring, so maybe just maybe, everything really is ok (right now).

I am trying to focus on the peaceful side, and the Tired sure is helping. Hard to run in circles when you're this big and this tired.

Out into the world then home to nap (I hope)--

+5, post doc

All good news: Baby is thriving, fluid fine, I am fine, not swollen, BP OK...so... I asked, then why are we going to induce? And, well, at this point there is no medical reason to do so....So as of this moment we'll have an "end date" of next wednesday/thursday instead of sunday/monday, which gives us a few more days for this little one to choose to come on its own...

the hospital does inductions monday-thursday and they don't want me going into week 42 since that puts me back in a high risk zone none of us want me to be in so, there we are.

Accupunture again tomorrow...

NST/BPP and cervix check again on monday, then again wednesday...

and, maybe not oddly at all, I feel MUCH better. Even with my free floating anxiety. Seeing the results today may buy me some breathing room--gosh I hope so.

And, as an added bonus, NO cervix check today, AND, as an added measure of happy success, for the first time ever, I did not pee on my own hand during urine sample collection.

As Linda so rightfully (gently, respectfully) reminded me, this is the BEST WAIT EVER. We cannot believe our luck.

(Ok baby, it's up to you now).

+5

I am not used to the change in light- it happens so fast these days! Dark at 5pm, dark still at 7:45-- just light enough to see trees against sky. My whole self wants to tuck in, sleep deeply and late, or get up and turn on ALL of the lights to signal to myself it is time to wake.

This morning we have an OB appointment: NST, BPP, then cervix check (gah).

I'll update later with where we are and where we're going.

+4

cold beautiful rain--- just above freezing. I am sure it shows just how pathologically questionable I am that I was hoping for snow- not SNOW just snow- almost nothing is as beautiful here once the leaves are down.

My last day of work today- wearing PJ bottoms, a long cozy sweatery thingy, wool socks, drinking hot real tea...

A little mucous and pinkness this morning, all new. All expected. A little upset stomach (queasyish)- nothing dramatic. I am just Aware and aware of my awareness.

Doug and I talked last night about the baby maybe just not being ready- and it made me feel more conflicted about the possibility of induction. But I am not going to dwell- I will lose myself in a work a bit, then in a book. I cannot impact this with rational thought or irrational fixation.

If I were to try to reframe this part of the experience toward what it truly is, it is simply and purely magical. Of all of the technology that brought us here, this part? This part is purely up to "nature" (unless we intervene for sanity or safety or both)--

and it is pretty darn cool to have this feel like other folks may feel (except the dead baby panic hovering in my peripheral vision like an energy sucking thief)-- this wondering when, how, how will it start, how soon would I know, what will it feel like, what will happen, how will I be...

So I am trying to step back--

my darlin is worried about timing for logistical reasons, but if you think about it, logistics are OUR construct, right? Nothing to do with the baby. The baby just is.

I am trying to not try *quite* so hard, and I am trying not to feel like I am Waiting.... instead, I am opening.

So-- with that-- work and tea and warmth and rain on the roof...

then books and rest and calm breaths, and tea and warmth and rain on the roof.

+3

A cold morning, only 25 with the sun well up- thick frost.

Acupuncture today after my half day of work, then a late lunch with sweet Tammy-- then...

home to rest I hope!

The TIRED is impressive-- almost as impressive as my desire to ignore it, work through it, fight it, do other things. I really suck at certain kinds of self care. Right now, I cannot afford to suck at it. So... Today I hope to actually rest, since sleep is sucking rocks right now, and lying down just feels bad in general.

Psychologically, I admit I feel better with an end date-- I do. I know my last day of work is tomorrow (half days this week), and I know that by early next week, the baby will be here. I have preferences still, strong ones, but I keep reminding myself of the most important goals that have driven me all this long way: healthy baby, healthy kate.

+2, election day!

One very different feeling contraction in the middle of the night that made me think that maybe....

and that is the truth, isn't it?

maybe!

and

eventually.

Today looks like november with a matte gray sky and no sunlight to help the oaks show off their raspberry or copper or chestnut colored leaves.

The ash have all gone brown from their vivid yellows

and the only yellow that remains that I see are the small willow leaves on the top of the bush I planted a few years ago that drops its leaves from the bottom up.

Work this morning and then, after lunch.... voting, one errand, then rest.

I feel up for it.

+1, post doc update

Hi all, just a quick update-

no change in cervix (except a less horrible check), baby still doing well on BPP and NST...

and a plan-ish:

I come back friday morning (if we have not delivered yet) for the same rummaging and testing, then, if cervix is dilating, induce monday morning, if not, induce starting with cervadil on sunday night (and hope the baby gets the message and comes over the weekend)... the doc does not want us going longer than that and I am ok with that.

Acupuncture today

and again on wednesday

and

we'll see.

Patience, rest, and time with my darlin' between now and ....?

I'm ok with that too.