14 November 2010

11/9/2010 +5

Home since friday-
Della is swaddled in front of me on the sofa, sleeping her brief sleeps between feedings.
One horrible day on thursday- hungry baby, and NO MILK at all- just felt like a failure in every way- pregnancy (IF), birth (fucking A), and then breast feeding. A dark, dark, shitty place to be with no sleep and profound powerlessness.
Then an angel nurse, a decision to try a supplemental nursing system (bring on the tubing, the syringe, and the formula-- tape the tiny tube near the nipple, pray for a latch, then feed along with suckling---)--and an edict to pump 10 minutes after every feeding....
one day of tears (friday)
and then yesterday, right breast filled! and today, I look like a new augmentation, spectacular breasts, wish I could show you. I nursed last night, yes, every hour, or hour and a half, or once, for 2 hours nearly straight, but I am nursing and so happy not to be dealing with the SNS and the post feeding pumping.

Other things in the kate landscape-- no kidding, I DID look 8+ months pregnant after the birth, a big soft BIG belly, protruding out pregnancy-esque, body image from hell, neither pregnant (YAY A REAL LIVE BABY!) but not kate.... I did not expect to feel quite so shitty about that, quite so foreign, self conscious, embarrassed, and one more thing that felt not right.

Then the clots, oh my,
yes well. One last night too. Yes I called, told them I thought I'd passed a lung. I know what to watch for and all is well. But man alive, it was immense and wow. Yeah. Horror show.

A visit with my lovely mother in law just ended,
and tonight we will skype with my faraway dad
and then
we will just be us.

Until tomorrow 9am, and our follow up visit to weigh the little one, and to make sure all is well.

Della is beyond beautiful, astonishingly lovely
smooth silky everything, hair, skin, I will callous her with incessant love.
she has gray blue eyes right now that could turn into anything
and I want each moment (except the clot) to last a year so I can focus on every detail, every single minute everything, how she feels and sounds and looks...

Healing is going fine with one firey pinchy spot deep inside the second layer of stitches, and yay percocet.
I assume I will poop again in this lifetime but it is only an assumption.

And in the middle of the night,
the stars are so clear
and the sky so big but so close,
and the quiet so profound,
except the sound my heart growing as fast as it can to try to keep up with how much love it is trying to hold.
it just can't.

Baby stirring,
must happily go attend to this miracle.


Anonymous said...

So glad to hear from you - immediate post partum can be a horror show - annoying when all you want expect need is magic.

So happy your girls are responding to the demand...

hugs hugs hugs and joy for you

Joannah said...

Good to know what's going on with you! I hope this week will bring you to a new sense of normal.


Circus Princess said...

Sigh :)
Sounds amazing (in spite of horror clot episodes).

sprogblogger said...

So glad everything's coming together, and that the things that weren't working ARE. (Go boobs!)

I hear you on the body image thing, but really, it WILL go away. The OMG-I-thought-I-HAD-the-baby belly will go away pretty quickly, and just try to ignore it until it does.

And Della! I can't wait for more pictures of her to show Henry (OK, and to peek at myself!) since I'm already telling him that she's his future girlfriend...

Glad you're well & home & happy. So very glad!

Heather said...

glad to hear the milk came in! we did the sns briefly on baby's 2nd day of life when my milk still hadn't come in, and i swear to you, i still think of my nurse who suggested that and helped me do it as some kind of miracle lifesaver. it sounds ridiculous, but it still brings tears of happiness and relief to my eyes when i think back to it.

be patient and gentle with yourself as you heal and learn this new life! give your body the time and rest it needs to get back to its pre-pregnancy self.

i wish you all the best!

Grade A said...

I just keep looking at this photo of your adorable beautiful angel.

The shitty stuff gets better. Hang in there. Congratulations again.


irrationalexuberance said...

You have a baby and she is wonderful and precious and gorgeous. Everything else is secondary.
(That said, some of it sounds terrifying so don't remind me when I am all kinds of freaked out after birth)
But I am so happy for you.

Emily Erin said...

Sorry for the dark place, but glad that you've moved through that. I'm sorry that none of us who've been through it thought to mention that you look pregnant for a while and those awful body image demons can rear their awful heads. Sorry that your scar is itchy and boo on clots-- hopefully those pass soon!

Your daughter is beautiful and I can't wait to hear more about your life together. (And see a few more pictures, of course!)

Kate said...

Glad to hear breastfeeding is going better now. I wish I had pumped in the first week to try to get more milk supply going, especially when it turned out K's latch wasn't as good as I had thought.
Hope the clots pass soon!
Please post more photos when you get a chance!

Elle said...

It gets so much better. Seriously -- not just better, but WAY better. The pain, the nursing, the belly. So. Much. Better.

So just enjoy gazing at her for now, and let the other stuff fade into the background.

Can't describe how happy I am for you!

And the name -- lovelovelove it. I'm going to assume it's a Perry Mason reference (even though it probably was not).

Hugs to you.

linda said...

Whoa, a lung? Ohmygosh you've given me a few visuals about post-pregnancy that I was naively unaware of! But I'd happily endure them all to have something as gorgeous as Della at the end of the journey!

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Glad that the milk finally came through. Everything seems so much more awful during that roller coaster of hormones, but BF is another story altogether.

Kisses to your beautiful daughter!

(another) karen said...

Wow - just......... wow.....

You bring back so many happy memories. I was there, right there, on every level when our little miracle was born and your writing takes me back (3+ years now) and reminds me of everything so clearly. What a beautiful, beautiful time and you are right to try and soak up every minute of it. As everyone, including me, will tell you - it all goes by SO quickly. There will be tough moments, long nights and all kinds of tears (yours and hers) - enjoy those too. You earned all of it!

She's beautiful!!!!

Thinking of you all,

kimalli1 said...

I had my little girl- Sunny- 2 weeks ago today (also via c-section). Only now is the poop starting to get back to normal, after I gave up and sent my husband to the drug store to buy stool softener. TMI? Yeah, probably. Ahhh, the life of a mother. :o) Congrats on your beautiful little girl.

ceecee867 said...

Lurker here... lol.... She (Della) is gorgeous. Good Job MOMMY :)

Barefoot said...

First of all, your daughter is absolutely gorgeous!!

As for the horror show of clotting, I was there too....so scary and so yucky-feeling. It will pass pretty quickly, though, although I know it's hard to believe right now!

Oh, and you will poop again!! Colace is your friend -- I highly recommend it.

Michele said...

The body stuff... yeah, I remember that... I had no clue about it and was scared to death when it first happened.

The SNS- a godsend. When my milk dried up, that thing helped me eek out a few more weeks of breastmilk. It was awesome.