Della is swaddled in front of me on the sofa, sleeping her brief sleeps between feedings.
One horrible day on thursday- hungry baby, and NO MILK at all- just felt like a failure in every way- pregnancy (IF), birth (fucking A), and then breast feeding. A dark, dark, shitty place to be with no sleep and profound powerlessness.
Then an angel nurse, a decision to try a supplemental nursing system (bring on the tubing, the syringe, and the formula-- tape the tiny tube near the nipple, pray for a latch, then feed along with suckling---)--and an edict to pump 10 minutes after every feeding....
one day of tears (friday)
and then yesterday, right breast filled! and today, I look like a new augmentation, spectacular breasts, wish I could show you. I nursed last night, yes, every hour, or hour and a half, or once, for 2 hours nearly straight, but I am nursing and so happy not to be dealing with the SNS and the post feeding pumping.
Other things in the kate landscape-- no kidding, I DID look 8+ months pregnant after the birth, a big soft BIG belly, protruding out pregnancy-esque, body image from hell, neither pregnant (YAY A REAL LIVE BABY!) but not kate.... I did not expect to feel quite so shitty about that, quite so foreign, self conscious, embarrassed, and one more thing that felt not right.
Then the clots, oh my,
yes well. One last night too. Yes I called, told them I thought I'd passed a lung. I know what to watch for and all is well. But man alive, it was immense and wow. Yeah. Horror show.
A visit with my lovely mother in law just ended,
and tonight we will skype with my faraway dad
we will just be us.
Until tomorrow 9am, and our follow up visit to weigh the little one, and to make sure all is well.
Della is beyond beautiful, astonishingly lovely
smooth silky everything, hair, skin, I will callous her with incessant love.
she has gray blue eyes right now that could turn into anything
and I want each moment (except the clot) to last a year so I can focus on every detail, every single minute everything, how she feels and sounds and looks...
Healing is going fine with one firey pinchy spot deep inside the second layer of stitches, and yay percocet.
I assume I will poop again in this lifetime but it is only an assumption.
And in the middle of the night,
the stars are so clear
and the sky so big but so close,
and the quiet so profound,
except the sound my heart growing as fast as it can to try to keep up with how much love it is trying to hold.
it just can't.
must happily go attend to this miracle.