04 November 2010

+4

cold beautiful rain--- just above freezing. I am sure it shows just how pathologically questionable I am that I was hoping for snow- not SNOW just snow- almost nothing is as beautiful here once the leaves are down.

My last day of work today- wearing PJ bottoms, a long cozy sweatery thingy, wool socks, drinking hot real tea...

A little mucous and pinkness this morning, all new. All expected. A little upset stomach (queasyish)- nothing dramatic. I am just Aware and aware of my awareness.

Doug and I talked last night about the baby maybe just not being ready- and it made me feel more conflicted about the possibility of induction. But I am not going to dwell- I will lose myself in a work a bit, then in a book. I cannot impact this with rational thought or irrational fixation.

If I were to try to reframe this part of the experience toward what it truly is, it is simply and purely magical. Of all of the technology that brought us here, this part? This part is purely up to "nature" (unless we intervene for sanity or safety or both)--
and it is pretty darn cool to have this feel like other folks may feel (except the dead baby panic hovering in my peripheral vision like an energy sucking thief)-- this wondering when, how, how will it start, how soon would I know, what will it feel like, what will happen, how will I be...


So I am trying to step back--
my darlin is worried about timing for logistical reasons, but if you think about it, logistics are OUR construct, right? Nothing to do with the baby. The baby just is.
I am trying to not try *quite* so hard, and I am trying not to feel like I am Waiting.... instead, I am opening.

So-- with that-- work and tea and warmth and rain on the roof...
then books and rest and calm breaths, and tea and warmth and rain on the roof.

14 comments:

Emily Erin said...

Yay for progression; although as I'm sure you know, it took a few days after I lost my 'plug' to actually meet my baby... Hoping that the stupid dead baby panic will stay largely at bay and that you will have a blissful delivery that feels the best for you.

(((HUGS)))

Traci said...

"...instead, I am opening."

I love this. Thank you. Love love love.

sarah said...

It's so hard to balance the wish to be able to let the experience unfold with the desire to make sure nothing goes wrong, and to make sure in advance!
Yay for progress!

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Babies are terrible for logistics all the way through. They are great at just being.

Glad you're finding your center.

Anonymous said...

I would consider losing the mucus plug to be a definite sign that your baby is ready.

The anticipation is terrible in its own way, but best wishes as you finish this stage of the journey.

sprogblogger said...

If it helps at all, I was terrified about being induced, and while it didn't have the intended effect (ie: vaginal birth) it also wasn't as horrible as I'd feared and it didn't hurt Henry at all. Nor did it affect his awareness, willingness to nurse, etc.

Your calmness is truly inspiring to see. I, however, remain down here in Brooklyn going nuts, waiting for your little one to make his/her appearance!

karen alonge said...

pink and mucusy sounds promising! sending love your way.

Nic said...

Yay to progress!! I am sure baby is getting ready and will be making an appearance soon!!
Thinking of you
x

Mo and Will said...

Thinking of you and Doug and the little one. So glad you're doing a good job of centering, of opening yourself. Baby will be here soon!!!

Sprogblogger's Mom said...

SOON SOON SOON SOON SOON

BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE,

Sarah

meinsideout said...

I had such conflicted emotions about being induced...at any rate, it worked well for me and I delivered R and Z vaginally with no problem - and had it been a singleton, I would have foregone the epidural.

Lots of induction horror stories out there to scare you - but plenty like me who had a successful induction.

linda said...

This sounds like the best sort of waiting that any of us could hope for. :-)

Joannah said...

I wish you a worry-free rest-of-the-wait. Should I FedEx the doppler back?

Snow sounds refreshing. It was 97 degrees here today. I'm loathing it.

Kate said...

So close! Hope you go on your own, but if not, I wish you the easiest of inducyions!