13 December 2010

week 5, first snow

Today is Della's 5th week birthday and we woke to our first real snow of the season. yes, only about an inch, but lovely, and the woods are so still that it hardly looks real.
Snow brings the trees closer, and all of a sudden, my house in the woods feels like a house in the woods. In the fall, everything steps back, opens, but now, it feels like I can reach out and touch lichen on a tree trunk.

This weekend we did an overnight in Maine-- a last minute and perhaps insane trip that resulted in Della sleeping 4 hours or so in a row which was magnificent but a one time deal. And, because she has never ever done anything like that ever ever, I could not believe it was happening and spent a lot of time watching her, wondering if she was going to wake up soon.... so I got more sleep than usual, but she really did.

Saw my delightful friend Susan (our insanely gifted photographer) and yes, she took some photos while we ate lunch. Doug was wrangling Della in his easy made-for-this way, and I am so excited to see photos. (LOVED seeing her.)

But the trip itself, we just did it, we just packed up and went as if we could, giving ourselves every out if it did not work out. But you know? It worked out ok. But I confess: I feel I could go anywhere with Doug. He is magnificent with Della, and totally patient and does not flip out or assume difficulty. Changing the baby in a bathroom? You just do it, figure it out, no worries. WOW please god/goddess/all-that-is, please let his wonderful personality rub off on me, and please please let Della have gotten more of him than me in this way.

I am an all-that-can-go-wrong overthinker (not ultimately to the exclusion of all else, not terminally, but I confess, it is my nature), so it is really good for me to be with someone who just does things. They get done. No trauma, no duress. Options to change.

I nursed in public and it was not an issue at all, just need to remember that I am not ok with full boob (mine) exposure in public, so I went under rather than over, and had smartly arranged for belly coverage which also mattered and made me feel more at ease (and warmer!)
Anyway, things worked or they didn't and we adjusted (instead of freaking out) and it was all ok.
Only one regret: I did not take any photos of the ocean on saturday, but maybe I was meant to have it be a memory-- the sky and water the same color, with a slightly darker line at the horizon, and lighter along each wave crest. I am not sure I have every seen anything more beautiful.

Today has been designated a rest day after I felt like crap yesterday- just tired I think, and emotionally raw. I would hike but I need stillness today more than movement. But tomorrow might bring an adventure and I need to have my feet under me.

Tireegal, I live in Southern New Hampshire which is why the cold and snow and ice. But yesterday was balmy truly.
And I went on a mini adventure- no, not the coffee shop, but a solo with Della trip to get snow tires and an oil change, and we survived just fine.

Fear sucks ass, as does the presumption of failure/calamity/hardship/incompetence. I hope I can shake some of this useless stuff. It is like trying to run with really heavy shoes with no flexibility in the sole.


Michele said...

5 weeks... I cant believe it! And what a lovely time it sounds like you had!

Searching for Serenity said...

I am much like you. Always planning, worrying, over-thinking about what could happen. To this day, almost 18 months in to motherhood, I'm still not crazy about leaving the house with Nugget on my own. On the nights that I have commitments, Cap'm and Nugget go out to eat and run errands together. I envy the casualness of their relationship. It's usually the opposite with Nugget and I when we go out alone.

I'm working on it and I hope the calm comes your way too so you can enjoy those adventures. They are good for the spirit. Plus, you want to show that beautiful girl of yours off.

Stay warm!

Erin E Windon said...

so sorry you are still dealing with fear, hardship, etc. I myself just had a baby after a long journey with infertility, and have been following your blog for awhile now. My baby is 5 months today, and from about 4 weeks til about 3 months, I suffered from a LOT of fear/anxiety/insomnia. Some extreme anxiety, some anxiety over normal new mom things. The thing that helped me most was to know that I wasn't alone in ANY of my feelings of inadequacy. If you would like to talk more, feel free to email me.

tireegal68 said...

Kate, thanks for letting us know where that landscape is! It sounds lovely as does Maine. The only time I was ever there was this time of year - it was an odd adventure.
I wish I was like Doug. S overthinks and I give in to worry too easily. I'm very impressed with your snow tire trip!

Anonymous said...

Hi Kate
I really like your blog, I've been reading it since the spring. I am from Southern NH (Barrington), but now I live in Portland, ME. Not sure where you live, but if it is close enough to Portland, there is a place here called Birth Roots that I think you would really like. It is a kind of women's resource center and they offer all kinds of classes and free drop-in things. I don't know html but here is the website address: http://www.ourbirthroots.org/
I can imagine driving up from Portsmouth or similar for what they offer. Also when I just looked at the website it says "coming in 2011 to Kittery". Well, there you go.
Anyway, my baby girl is 3 months old now and I have been to Birth Roots multiple times and don't know what I would have done without it.
OK that's it good luck to you
Go to the coffeeshop

karen alonge said...

oooh, pictures! I can hardly wait. :)

Anonymous said...

:) i'm so similar! i think that i was raised in a always-prepare-for-the-worst type of way or something. but good for you for getting out on a solo adventure :)